I am a risk taker that likes to jump off of bridges into a known natural swimming pool. This "known" is the key. I wouldn't do that if other people hadn't, and the older I get these risks are getting fewer and farer between. This is the exact thing we, D and I are dealing with this morning. Fertility. As most of you know, D has been trying to figure out if he wants to have kids and with all of this he has moved to a closer place of possibly wanting them. I totally respect his decision either way. I have to. I am not one of those woman that would poke a whole in a condom and say, "oops." So today we got a call from the fertility nurse. We, D and I didn't know that there are two types of freezing eggs/sperm. In fact I didn't know the sperm was even an option. D is supportive of me freezing my eggs, if I feel that I have to do that. It's my body.
He is just not into freezing our embryo's, at least in the, "right now you have to decide because we have to move on this as my cancer treatment has to move forward, right now." This is the deal. My Oncologist says that some of the women my age return from Menopause, if the chemo forces them into it. D's point is that this is all IF's. IF I go into menopause, if I don't go out of menopause, and if, if. This is all too much, too soon for him. A month ago he was dead set on not wanting kids, with the not for sure still being tossed around. Now, he realizes that he may and so he has to decide now. Now if he wants to risk not getting to have a biological son/daughter with me, if I am unable to due to my treatments. My Dad says just pull back, just freeze your eggs. If I just freeze my eggs it is a 20% chance that they will be able to make an embryo when we are ready. Since eggs are so fragile, this is not the greatest of odds. If we freeze an embryo the chances go to 60% that we would be successful, they aren't as fragile. This just sucks. I need to be focusing on getting well and not on wether or not I am going to be able to have kids in the future. It is so much all at once. I have a call into the Oncologist. We need the stats.
D is a numbers guy and we need to know, do all the young woman my Doc works with go out of menopause/return to normal? If so, then are we worrying over nothing? But if there are woman that don't return to normal, then I will just be freezing my eggs, and not our embryo. D said, it is just wrong, just not natural. My point is that none of this is natural. If I wasn't going to do the super science of Chemo (very unnatural) I would probably be dead in the next few years. We are all dealing with this news of my having cancer the best we can and as fast we can, and dealing with all the unknown's the best we can. There is only so much both D and I can move through in a matter of a week.
Last night on Oprah an incredilbe man said that roadblocks aren't for stopping us, they are put in our lives to help us see how much we want something. This is one of those times.
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I just got back from the gym. While I was on the treadmill my athlete rose inside me again, and shared this story with me. Even though I fell overboard in a huge stormy sea, the team (you guys and D) threw me a dingy. Right now I am swimming towards that dingy and getting hit in the face and gulping air and fighting for my life, fighting to get to that damn dingy. I know I am going to make it and I know that I am going to paddle to the big boat with all of my loved ones. While I am getting back to all of you, and D, you're going to be cheering me on, and wiping the tears off my face. But I am the one who is in the Sea and Dingy named Breast Cancer. I am the only one that is going to be a Survivor and if all I have once I get on board is that 20% to have kids, I am going to take it. So, regardless I've decided to get my eggs frozen. The embryo thing is intense. D even said, "I'm surprised you want to do it." Funny how when your are faced with severe options our choices become at times wider than we'd ever imagined. And D isn't in the sea with me, and if I go to his side of things I do totally understand how "icky" or "wrong" freezing our unborn, pre-fetus, embryo's this option is.
So, I've got that 20% and I am going to take it because that is what I have to do. End of story. I am not going to let cancer potentially take what I value the most in life. I refuse. I am going and will be a mother someday. I want nothing more. Nothing more.
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I've been waiting to post this to my blog till I talk to my doctor, he should call sometime this evening. I spoke with a young survivor today, who got breast cancer when she was 30. Funny how she was sent my way today because she is one of those woman that didn't go back from menopause. She wasn't able to freeze eggs, and later in her life, she met the man of her dreams and got married and they adopted a little girl. She made a few good points to me, points that in my franticness of the moment tried overlooking. One of the main points is this, to be able to do the egg retrieval they need to wait till my second day of my next moon. Which I just finished, so I am out for a month already. At which point they will give me estrogen or progesterone or both, I can't remember right now. For two to three weeks I am on those med's and then they can start doing the egg retrieval. So this whole fertility trying to get my egg thing is pushing my VERY needed cancer treatment out for about two months. This is what does not sound good to me.
The other point she made is that cancer feeds off of something. Like I said in earlier posts. My Triple Negative feeds off of something they just don't know what. If my body is pumped full of these hormones, which cancer usually feeds on am I increasing my chances of giving my cancer a party? A party that wants to go visit all of its neighbors, like my ovaries? No Doctor is going to be able to say yes or no to this. There is not enough information about Triple Negative yet.
My new cancer survivor friend also said, " You have to remember, you are the most important thing right now. Getting you cancer free as soon as possible. Getting you healthy." I cannot agree with her more. Since I have such an aggressive form of cancer, is it worth waiting? What if my fight is super hard, super super hard. What if in the back of my mind did we wish that I hadn't waited to start treatment. We know it is in my lymph node(s) so speed is important, right. Get it done. Like yesterday! Or am I just trying to talk myself out of this? The woman I spoke with today also said a great thing," Don't you want to know what your chances are when you do beat this, for you to be able to conceive a baby naturally?" The other thing is if we wait 3 weeks to get the genetic tests back, and If (oh, the freakin' if's) I am positive for one of the whopper's do I want to inflict that 50-60% chance on my kids of them getting breast cancer? That is something I do not even for a second have to think about that is a no.
So, I am left, waiting for my Oncologist to call and spew this all out to him. He will wait and do whatever I want. This is my game I am playing. My Deal or No Deal. If I didn't want Chemo, he would say okay. But I do want chemo and I do want my own kids, but this waiting to be treated thing is also something I do not want to do. There is too much empty time filling up and allowing my precious healthy cells in my body to be sabotaged by those evil little sick cancer cells. I am exhausted, yes. I feel like today was the worst day I've had except the day I found out I have breast cancer. I am playing God, and I am asking my husband to play God too. It is so wrong. I am starting to look at this whole thing as, look this is in the hands of something greater than I. If I am meant to have my own kids, I will be able to snap out of the Menopause and have my own kids. If not, I have friends that adopted two beautiful little girls and I know they couldn't be more loved or love than they do. I think I've come to my answer. I'll wait to talk to my Doctor.
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My Doctor just called. He said one thing that just put it all to rest, if one of you doesn't want to do it, move forward.
He also told me that no one is going to treat me with this fertility thing until we have my pathology. We won't get this until surgery, and then we will have to wait a week or so to get my results. If the cancer has moved to many nodes and if its a super nasty tumor, he very well may suggest that we not delay treatment. Which couldn't start until I heal from my surgery. If its just in a node and not a nasty tumor than he said he may say I have the six weeks it will take to get my eggs. He also said that there are no stats available, and if someone tries to tell me otherwise they are simply not true. There is absolutely no way to have stats that prove if someone hadn't delayed treatment six weeks if their outcome was better or if the hormones they pumped me with did anything to the cancer.
He told me to wait until after surgery and we will all know more then. I did ask him what my chances of being able to bear my own kids when done with chemo, not great. They are 40 to 50%. Chemotherapy is so toxic. Crazy, thanks for going through this with me. Today was the worst day, maybe more than getting cancer. I have officially had the most precious thing for me possibly being taken from me.
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