Welcome to THE CLUB YOU CAN'T BELONG TO

Monday, June 9, 2008

Don't make that face..

When I was a kid, one of my favorite books was about this kid that used to make the most horrid faces imaginable.  But one day, much like today (as its terribly windy here) the wind changed and his face wasn't able to change back to normal.  I kind of felt like that today.  
D said a very sweet thing to me this morning, after my sister left.  He said, " I want our old lives back."  Simple.  Cutting.  Sweet, and Painful. " Yeah, maybe in a year," I said.  I think both of us know that our lives will never be the same.  I felt the life in me fill my heart today so I got dressed and went to my office and finished some paperwork on a few of the houses I'd just sold.  Walking into my office I got a hug from everyone and tried to not to cry.  Looking and listening to everyone working hard on their houses, I felt a little jealous.  I just cannot believe that I am on hold.  I'm on hold because despite what most people think, Realtors work their butts off and it is an incredibly stressful job.  A job that I knew I wouldn't be able to give my 110% to. 
I got to do my first massage today since we got the news.  I like to think of my massage practice as my walking mediation practice.  It felt so good to focus on someone else's body for a while.  A body that is in good health, a body that is working the way it should.  How is it that none of my Doctors found this lump in the past few years, or in my last exam four months ago?How is it that I was overlooked?  My Oncologist says its because most Doctors will never see cancer in younger woman in their entire careers, so they don't think out of the box when doing exams.  They just don't think its possible.
I got a manicure today.  The ladies all know my name, as I walk in they say, "Hello, Heather."  They asked me how I was, and I explained that I had breast cancer.  I told her I was 33, and she said, "Me too."  Quickly, they bantered back and forth and she explained to them all, in another language, one that I don't know, that I had breast cancer.  I told them next time I see them, I might not have hair.  How crazy is that.  "Your hair is so beautiful, are you sad?"  
I am sad, and sure my ego is sad and threatened that it will loose these locks.  Will I just go bald? Maybe I'll wear a scarf and a hat.  When my sister was here she told me that five years ago, she got fourteen inches cut off her hair for Locks of Love.  The biggest surprise was that she had never given it away, that she still had it.  Unbelievable!!  I love it, I actually might be able to have a wig with my sisters hair.  How cool, but do I want a wig?  Isn't the wig, for everyone else?
When my mom was in the nursing home, since she had a stroke at 54, and was paralyzed she didn't ever leave the home.  Eventually she just shaved her head, it was easier to take care of and she had no one to impress.  I wonder what I will do.  At the Oregon Country Fair, one of my favorite summer festivals I used to love to dress up and wear wigs.  I was able to morph into a freer me.  I just don't know about this.  We all know its ego.  I mean really, if I was on a deserted island would I care if I had to shave my head?  If someone left a wig on a rock, would I wear it around?  Yes, the girl in me that likes to dress up would.  And yes, the girl in me that likes to braid my hair might.  I just can't believe I have breast cancer.  It's crazy.
So yes, the wind is blowing and my life has changed and my life is never going to be the same.  That is what I didn't say to D this morning.  That for the better or the worse, my life and his life has changed.  When I get healthy again, and when I go into remission, our lives still have been changed.  The life of waking up in the morning and taking everything for granted is over.  Simply over.  
Today was the day that my Dad and I got to trace all the cancer in our family.  Back to my grandparents on both sides.  Tomorrow morning we are meeting with my Genetic Doctor and will start to learn if I have the genes that pre-dispose me to getting breast cancer.  On my Dad's side only my Nana had it and she had six brother's and sisters.  On my mother's side, my grandma had skin cancer on her face-no big deal- and my grandpa had hand cancer.  Neither died of cancer.  I am hoping I do not have one of the known six genes.  But I kind of wouldn't mind either because at least there could be some kind of blame.  I want to point one of my fingers at something.  D is always saying I have a little detective in me.  I'm that person driving down the road that looks for drunks, or calls 911 when I see a reckless driver.  He always laughs at me, but hey, if I can help the little detective in me loves to do it.  I'd make a great cop.  
Today I was out with all the "normal" people and starting to face the fact that my body is going to change and morph into a new butterfly.  I am a little nervous about it.  End of story.  I am just nervous.  Here comes lots of yoga and meditation and soul searching like my hippie days of the past have never seen.  I get to look square in my eye, an eye that may not have eye lashes for long.
 

2 comments:

Unknown said...

I am so happy for your blog...being able to read this each day ...allows me to feel near you.
I love you
G

Brianna said...

I love you, Honey. Very well written post. Thank you for sharing and opening so wide your generous heart and beautiful soul with all of us that love you more than you could ever know.

Mom