Have I been depressed?

Today I think I am happier than I have been or maybe I have just been able to keep my head above the water for a while now.  I am not a depressed person, nor would I ever let myself indulge in that but I think I was on a bit of a gloomy cloud the past few days.  What snapped me out of it was remembering what my Oncologist said to me, who is very fatherly by the way, and what he said was, "Hold onto that 50% chance," when he was talking to me about being able to have my own kids naturally.

 I have been forcing myself to focus on the positive's.  But I also had my share of self-indulgent mourning of the fertility that I chose to get stuck in for about a week.  One day D said, " You know this fertility isn't apart of the cancer, the insurance doesn't even cover it, it is a separate thing."  But it isn't.  It is and was all thrown at me, and since I am a woman and since this is my body, it was apart of me being diagnosed with having breast cancer.  I think for a guy it may be different.  For D, he just wants me to focus on ME getting better and not all of these "other" things.  Which now about 75% of me gets.  I have gotten letters from all the mom's in my life saying for me to focus on myself right now.  The kids will come in whatever form they will.  Spiritually I understand this and I can say 99% of me believes this.  But it was a lot to move through.  It was a huge hurdle.

 I am over it now.   I had to, today I had to move on.  I chose to open my heart to the fact that I am going to choose to will my body to be restored to a healthier me when this is all done.  So today is a good day because I am happy again, or is it that little control freak in me that feels in control again.  

I saw my new Naturopathic Doc today that specializes in Oncology.  She said that I was eating everything that I should be.  The only thing she wants to add to my diet is Fish Oil, which I learned during Chemo is better than Flaxseed oil.  Luckily I like Carlson's Lemon flavor, its made in Norway.  She said she see's a lot of woman that are healthy like me that want to be able to blame something.  I felt the tears swell up inside me as this is how I feel.  I just want to say, "Ah-ha!  There is that damn little culprit."  If this genetic test comes back negative, I will never be able to say what "evil" stole this time from me.  I will get to have that be one of those mysteries.  I can make it a good mystery in my head, like the way both my husband and I felt like we should go to the Van Gogh exhibit on opening day, and how we met there. 

D and my younger sister thought I should add a post as to how the lump was discovered.  I simply noticed one day that there was a lump.  I second guessed myself for a few days, and to not be an alarmist I mentioned oh, so chalantly to D on the coach one night that I thought I had a lump in my breast.  I had him feel it and he said that I should go get it checked out.  I waited about a week, as you know how life throws all our little stressful to-do's at us, until D mentioned to me if I had made that appointment yet.  No, I hadn't and the reason I am writing this isn't that I found the lump myself, it is that I was then going to ignore the fact that I found the lump.  I was scared and didn't want to think about it.  Plus, everyone under the sun was saying it was just a cyst.  So, if I had listened to everyone and if I hadn't made that appointment than I would've put it off until next year.  Next year would have come and I would have at some point made my yearly exam appointment and maybe then it would've been questioned.  

Lesson here, if you find a lump don't wait and second guess yourself, that's what doctor's are for.