The not so great news

We went to my Oncologist Doc for the first time today.  He is everything anyone of us could hope for.  If your child got cancer you'd want to see him.  He is loving, intuitive, blunt, witty, a good winker (reassuring both of us in a physical body way), loves what he does, words just don't work here.  He is the first Doctor that I felt like I could hug.  The first Doctor that I know I will know or be in contact with for the rest of my life.  The kind of Doctor that looks in a scared young married couples eyes and says with great certainty when asked by my husband, that he's heard that this could possibly not be curable, that, "That's bullshit."  

He is my Doctor.  I love it.  We can beat this.  But its not the Rosie picture we had gotten on Monday.  In fact this picture may yet again change.  I may wake up from surgery, and find out the story has changed.  Since I made a super long post earlier today I will be quick, if that is possible.  I doubt it will be.  D's three categorizes which are helpful for me to not get overwhelmed.  First its the tumor and the cancer in my body.  Second its Fertility, and Third its Genetics.  My cancer is to quote the Doc, " A nasty aggressive kind."  It has not been feeding on Progesterone or Estrogen nor on the Growth Hormone, Her2Nu.  It is a Triple Negative.  This is what my Doc is not happy about.  He is happy with the size.  We found out it is not as small as they had projected earlier.  It seems to be a 2.2 cm's.  This number could change in surgery.  It could be bigger or smaller, its just hard to say.  

When  tumors are over 2 cm's they like to refer to this as Stage 2.  I have stage 2 breast cancer.  This could change as well, and again we'll know more after surgery.   My Doctor likes that it looks like it is confined, but as we looked at my pics from this week together, he found a possible other site in my breast.  It appears that only one lymph node has cancer in it.  But like he said, "In surgery they may find that others have cancer and they may need to pull out globs of them."  I like that he said that, it was intense but a true statement.   He is saying a possibility.  Few doctor's so far have been upfront with us like this.  They've been more protective, saying the better outcomes, instead of saying, "Hey, this may be the way it is." This also means that if more nodes are involved and if it is spread out in my breast more, I will choose to go back and loose that boob.   There is good news, I won't have to take any Hormone drugs for ten years.  Bad news, the Cancer Doctors of the world don't know enough about this Triple Negative to know how bad it is.  My Doctor is actually one of the Docs that is actively researching, Triple Negative Breast Cancer.

Since my Cancer is so Nasty, I get to do Chemo.  This will hopefully kill any microscopic cancer cells that have entered my fluid channels in my body, from my lymph system.  My cancer is aggressive and I will need to have one of the most aggressive forms of treatment.  My Doc looked me in the eye and told me I am going to loose my hair, I will need to go wig shopping.  I wonder if I can make my wig out of my own hair?   My chemo will be for 20 weeks, give or take a week.  Usually people get sick for 2-3 days after the treatment.  Some people don't get sick at all.   Regardless, everyone feels like they were hit by huge truck.  Since I need chemo, I will need to see a Fertility Doc this week.  I am going to need to freeze my eggs for the day in years to come they tell me I am in remission.  As I do not want to have kids until I know I licked this thing.

On a fun note.  Those that know me well know that I have always wanted twins.  They run in my family.  But now, my baby's will be made in a little petri dish and then placed inside me.  I would guess.  Maybe not, but pretty sure.  So the good news is that my chances of having twins has now just doubled!!  Onto the Genetics part.  Since my tumor is so nasty and aggressive he is pretty sure that it is genetic.  Like 95% sure.  If it is, we will take both my breasts.  I am the kind of person that knows I cannot lie in bed hoping that the cancer doesn't come back.  Because when you have the gene, your chances are 50-60% that they will.  This also means that I will in my early forties start being bugged by my Doc to have a hysterectomy.  If I get cancer anywhere else in my body, even if its in my lungs, it will be breast cancer in the lungs.  

D wanted to know if we caught it early.  No, we didn't, but luckily its not that far along.  Yes, it is curable, and yes, I will fight a good fight.  We all wish for the best.  As every being on this planet, this is how we cope.  So that we can manage what is on our plates in this life.  If we couldn't pray, meditate, walk, smile, write, and hope this would all not be manageable.  All of life's challenges.  But my breast cancer is manageable. My brain has done a wonderful thing for me this week.  It has simply shut down.  I am simply in the Twilight Zone, in shock, and bless this place of being.  Blessed Shock!!