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Monday, June 16, 2008

Sunny Days

I have been feeling so good and healthy the last few days.  It is so weird to me that I feel healthy but this cancer is quietly so quietly killing my body.  What is even weirder is that I have to for the first time in my life make myself sick to make myself healthy again.  I keep waiting to start spontaneously blowing chunks or to start loosing tons of weight or just a sign that I am not well. But there are no signs.  My friend Gen said to me when I first got diagnosed, "When you scan your body can you feel the cancer?"  Great question because normally we can do that.  Its a silent killer this guy.  How bizarre.  
So the impending chemotherapy and radiation treatments are ahead a few weeks and I have right now to feel awesome.  And I do.  All day D and I were out in the sun tooling around hand in hand.  We went to the Tacoma Art Museum and then took the Vashon Ferry over to have lunch, and then drove home.  Our summer is going to soon be full of doctor appointments and a frame of mind that now I am trying to get ingrained in my and our heads.  It is that I have never wanted to be a victim of anything in this life.  I truely believe that I have the power to make anything be positive and if not than I fall into the victim role.  I am going to learn about myself in a deeper way, and am going to look deep into the meaning of life for me, and when anything gets hard for me I want to remind myself that we found it, we found it early.  And that I have the chance to kill this silent killer that once stalked me unknowingly.  And it is a good day.  It is a good day as I am alive and I am fighting a fight and I am going to make it.  
I spoke with a long time friend the other day that almost a decade ago was diagnosed with tongue cancer.  She has had a long battle with this disease as it goes away and comes back, goes away and comes back.  She explained to me that she is living with a chronic disease.  She remarked that it is only my first two weeks, and I am being so positive.  I told her that is all we have.  If not than I fall into the fear.  If all I have is two more years I want those two years to be full of love and of light and of me digging deeper into myself than I ever have.  I don't want to miss any opportunity to love in a deeper way.  So, yes this has been only two weeks in about five hours, but I get to stretch myself in new and exciting ways.
Today I am getting appointments made with my new Cancer specializing ND to help with any adjuvant therapies that are out there and also with a dietician so that I am eating all the right things through this process.  It is another sunny day here in Seattle, and I am going to go take a walk.  

3 comments:

Edna Bishop said...

I love the fact that you are sharing your thoughts - you truly are an inspiration and a light that shines brightly. Thank God that every day is a new day with new beginnings and deeper friendships. It's been great for me to get to know you through your writing in a new way :) Edna

Peggy300 said...

Oh Heather--I forgot about how you like to wake people up bright and early. it's all coming back to me now:-) I can just picture your poor husband and the thought made me smile.

Your Ol' roomate!

SallyF said...

Hey, fellow survivor :-)
I totally understand where you are at right now - if you want to talk at any point, just get my number from Margaret and Ole. This journey is full of small steps that get you through surgery, then chemo, then radiation. Glad to see you are working with an ND - I did too and still do 3 1/2 yrs later.
Chin up...
Sally