I keep teasing and testing myself since I found out I have breast cancer. This is how it goes in my head, "If I don't get cancer back, then I will never know if changing my diet mattered. If I do get it back, then I will either have something to take out, if I don't take it out now. How much do I want to risk, or how much do I want to eliminate all the things I can blame if it does come back." But today, in Susan Loves Breast Book I read this golden tidbit, " It just illustrates that we have only odds, no certainty; to some extent, it's a crap shoot. You have to just search your heart and make your own choice." I can and do have the same philosophy with my journy with every freaking aspect. This WHOLE DAMN THING IS A CRAPSHOOT! Crapshoot, crapshoot, crapshoot. No certainty. No, noone knows if everything is going to be okay. And that is the thrill of life. Don't you see.
We all seek and desire these limits. Our limits. I am just on a journey with limits I didn't want to explore. But I get to explore them. I get to see how my body will fight its good fight against breast cancer. And it is my responsibility to do everything I can to put the right fuel in my machine. Would I before a big run drink a milkshake and eat a popsicle. No. So, I get to juice lots of greens, and carrots, and ginger, and, and, and....
Today, I felt awesome. Until we got outside. We walked up to the west seattle farmer's market. I got up there and ran into my friend Marni. In the middle of our conversation I started feeling dizzy and really weak and I had to leave. We got home, and watched another documentary on the Golden Gate Bridge. Then I thought I was okay to go the grocery store. I get tired, really tired within about ten minutes of being away from the house. I think its running into "normal" people and telling them about my experience and knowing that they just don't get it. The feel for me, but no one knows unless you've gone through it. If I wasn't such a people person I could see how someone could indulge in this separateness. It could be lonely. If any of you survivors are feeling lonely, I always find just talking to other survivors to be very empowering. They remind me that its totally normal how I am feeling, and that always helps.
My fear disappeared for a few days. But I am scared again. Although its not in my nodes, it still comes down to the, its a crapshoot thing. It sure will be interesting to see my destiny. This may sound grim, but its just life. The bug that flew into your windshield didn't mean to, it just was on its merry little way, and bam. Dead. We all joke that we could die on the way to work in a car crash, or whatever, but its true. I am a tenacious fighter, and I can totally hippie out and focus on those cells in meditation and I will start that this week. This week, I have to start back on the hippie train. Hard core. But it is a crapshoot.
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