A perfect summer day

One of my all time favorite movies is on right now, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I couldn't sleep last night. The fact that I can't sleep anymore is so foreign to me. I could go to sleep at 9 or even 8 in the evening and wake up at 6 or 7 the next day, everyday of my life. I have never ever had trouble sleeping. I also never used to not be able to control my mind. Last night was one of those nights. I literally was loosing my mind over everything. I called my friend Gen close to 1 a.m. I knew she'd answer her phone and I also knew she could calm me down. I am anxious about starting chemo. I feel so much pressure to not have any side effects. When I first got diagnosed so many people said they knew people that it didn't effect them at all. At that time, I didn't realize there were different kinds of chemo and different treatments. Now that I have walked in the cancer shoes for almost 7 weeks now, I would say that 90 % of the women I have talked with that did AC got pretty darn sick. I am really nervous about this. I could breeze through this and just need to sleep a lot, or worst case scenario I would be staying in the hospital.
The vast experiences do not bring comfort to me. Sure, those that say attitude made it be a positive experience for them, are also the ones that breezed through it. Is that again just a coping mechanism we have? Attitude doesn't change much, other than I can smile as I go through everything. My mom taught me this as I watched her journey for close to nine years after she had her stroke. My aunts and my siblings, we would choose to laugh with my mom, or we would cry. So, sure, attitude does make things better. The other thing I have found so confusing is that EVERYONE that mentions (usually those of you that do not have cancer) that they have spoke to people that went through chemo #5 was the worst, or #1 was the worst, or #? whatever. You get the idea. What this shows me is that it is my body's chemistry that is going to present to ME, MY process through this. MY body's ability to cope with the chemo and radiation is unknown to everyone, including my Oncologist. He more than anyone, and D is a close second, is just saying we'll have to see. So, last night I couldn't sleep. This whole process is teaching me so much, and one of those lessons is simply not being able to plan. I mean, how could you plan for something like this? Either I just sleep a lot, or I could be walking on the 12th floor of Swedish hospital a few weeks a month. There are too many possibilites. There is one thing for certain, next week at this time we all will know!
On a very fun note, today D and I went out on our friends Todd and Kim's boat. We got lots of sun and I got to have one more summer day before this all starts!