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Friday, July 4, 2008

The things you do

I really didn't realize all the things I do with my pec muscles until after the surgery.  Movements like washing my hair are not even an option, at least not today.  After surgery, I was wheeled back to the room where D, my Dad, and D's mom were.  I swear I was speaking coherently.   I was so thrilled and stunned that the nodes didn't look like they had cancer in them I just kept repeating, I guess they say over and over, "My nodes look good."  Or, "My nodes don't have cancer in 'em."  I was showing them that I wasn't even in pain, and I showed them once how I could move my arm around.  They all said, "No, stop!  Just relax."  Yesterday, D finally had to tease me a little.  Now that I am off the med's and he mimicked a very slow motioned voice say, "My nodes look good."  I swear I didn't sound like that.  haha.
I can't sleep anymore.  I know my cancer has put my into a very very uplifted cloud in the breast cancer arena.  But I am still a bit nervous.  I feel like I have the luxury of wondering if I acted to hastily in chopping my hair.  I have to just not care.  It will grow back and if I don't have to do chemo, then having short hair for a while can help me in some way.  Right now I am sick, sick, sick of my low back or kidney's whatever it is killing me.  I can't sleep and I feel like one of my massage clients that I love dearly.  She is always telling me that she has to wake up and take IBprofren for her back pain.  Although mine isn't going away with tylenol.  I keep stretching as best I can.  Keeping both of my wings close to my body and turning to either side in between typing.  
I can feel my port in my chest.  It just feels really tight under the skin.  I wonder if I won't need chemo and I'll just have this taken out?  For all you fellow survivor's out there that are tempted to write to me, and tell me wether you think I will or won't, please don't.  I am simply not wanting an opinion here, other than my Oncologists.  I am just sharing this time.  Usually when I ask a question here,  I DO want a response from any of you. But not this time.  I am also up because that means I am either getting closer to the time I start chemo, or not.  And so I am hoping like 60% of me that my Doc says I do not need it.  But then since my Triple Negative feeds on something, they just don't know what and they know that it responds the best to chemo like 80% of me wants to do it.  I realize these numbers don't make up the correct mathematical whatever you call it ( I was horrible in math) totalling 100%.  To me those numbers make all the sense, because this cancer doesn't make any sense.  So, these numbers do make sense.  
I am anxious that I am doing this fertility thing for nothing, and if my Doc says no chemo, I will be again, thrilled to stop this whole process.  I am drinking enough water to water log a camel, so my back isn't hurting do to that.  I just think its all the horrible med's that are finding their way out of my system and I have to remember that my body was just violated and maybe my back mmls were tensing up during surgery, although, I doubt it.  I looked, from the pictures pretty much out of it.  People are bringing by delicious food and we really appreciate it.  I need to get my sister to make a list and a calendar for you guys that have offered.  If I haven't responded yet, its just because there is so much to do.  And to worry about.  If I don't need Chemo, then I think we are fine with the food front.  But if I do, then I want my sis to make it kindof spread out, food coming on the night before chemo. The little planner in me has to find a way to work.
This little planner, The Dictator is what D called it jokingly the day I got back from surgery is trying to find control in the most ridiculous ways.  I am sure it was funny to the 3 of them (my Dad, D, and D's mom) with my slurred words telling them all what to do or how to find things.  One lesson was revealed to me during this time.  One obvious one, I spend entirely too much time worrying about everyone else's needs, even when I've just been operated on.  When I have the luxury of time, to go see a therapist when the Breast Cancer horses are reigned in, it will be a fun self journey to start putting Heather first.  I guess that is what having cancer does to people.  It makes you or should I say FORCES you to put yourself first.  There is a list getting started in my head, a new List of Positives.  This will be a post someday in the future.  
I just have to leave you all with this.  I loved with every cell of my being growing up in Seaside, Oregon.  The fourth of July fireworks there is unbelievable.  I have always loved and watched the sky this evening in delight and wonder and I know that at one point during our united show across America we can all take a second to send out a united Cheer and Thankfulness with me, that my nodes are negative and that Our Lives Are Beautiful.  Whatever our challenges are, we are so blessed to be Americans and to be alive Today.  Opening our hearts each and every minute to loving all of those around us, and not taking our lives for granted.  We are blessed to have the luxury of breathing. 

1 comment:

Peggy300 said...

This is the GREATEST news--at least I think I'm reading it correctly. What's your status on visitors and food. Tell your sis that I want to cook for you and also to include what you can and can not eat. I'm so glad you are healthy and filled with love and life.