Thoughts for D

My friend Leigh came by this morning and dropped off a bunch of collages that friends had made for me over on Vashon. As we talked, and as I showed her our house I was able to step back and remember how hard this is for my husband. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind how much he loves and adores me. And I feel so lucky to have such a rock of support with him through my journey. We are a young married couple with no kids. He hasn't had to face, as a father inevitably does once they have a child of not putting themselves first and thinking of someone else first. This freaking cancer thing is slowly causing this effect.
D is two weeks from being done with a full remodel. A, gut the house down to the studs and make a 3500 SQFT house absolutely stunning remodel. Not to mention the yardscape that is a remodel in and of it self. So in the middle of all this, that would stress anyone out to the high heavens my husband on a daily basis has been in his work clothes, and then has to come in change and drive me to doctor(s) appointments. Shifting from business man to scared out of his pants husband. Then, back home, change and back to being a business man. For the past 6 weeks I have undergone a lot of testing & surgery that has made me very sick. My body is so healthy that those poisons they have put in me were so foreign that my body just didn't handle them well.
Luckily my sister has been here a lot lately, D's mom came, and my Dad came, and a few people have helped with meals. All of this support has helped tremendously because frankly my husband is at his wits end. This beast couldn't have reared its head at a worst time in our lives. I have to check in with myself and feel for the depth of stress D is under right now. I am not going to allow myself to fee guility (as many survivors feel a huge sense of guilt that they have burdened their loved ones). I am not going to feel guilty because there is nothing I could have done. But I do need to recognize that D is only human and that he hasn't had to deal with being so scared before. He might loose me. That is scary. He is scared and that is okay. Support groups are good for people that like to process or for people that like to open up and talk to complete strangers about their fears. I am like that, but D isn't. So how is it that D can get support?
Support comes from me saying to him that its okay that I don't talk to him every waking moment about ALL my fears. This doesn't mean that my husband isn't there for me, it just means that he is human. We all have our limits. Just as I can't cope with working Over Time Full Time right now, he can't deal with working FT and dealing with my cancer. It is just too much.
I am lucky to be in a marriage that at the root is full of love and I need to go through this journey on my own. If I visualize what this is like my hand is my symbol. My palm is me, and then I have all these cheerleaders, and that is all of you. My family and friends are my tendons and muscles in my palm and fingers and D is just one of those tendons. The main tendon, but he can't be all fingers. It is impossible.
My little pinky has to go to market, this little finger has to stay home, you know the rest. All of us can only do with what we have. We all have our toolboxes and sometimes like my toolbox right now, all my tools get thrown out of the box. Some get buried (Dad, remember when wendy and I thought it was super fun to bury your sacred tools?), some got lost, some just disappeared, and some will be found again. I will also have a new set of tools when I am finished with that. I am most excited about this very real fact. I am changing and morphing into a new woman. A woman with a bigger heart, and a stronger heart. Just when I didn't think it was possible, I get to be stronger. I am looking forward to this the most. And really adoring my husbands ability to handle is plate that is stacked high. Just as high as I've seen people do at Sizzler Steak Houses. You wonder first of all how they managed to pile all that on one plate, and then you wonder how on earth they will manage to eat it all. Somehow, they do.