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Sunday, July 13, 2008

Vashon Island

D and I went over to Vashon Island today for the annual Strawberry Festival, and it felt good to open my heart and be comforted by my community out there.  My heart has been in the dumps lately.  As the precipice of chemo is soon to start, it is hard to not be scared and sad.  I have been on the edge of  a huge cliff, knowing that in a few weeks I will have to blindly jump and hope that I land on the ground with my two feet intact.  I've been thinking how bizarre it is that I have had one body my whole life and now I am going to put hard core toxic chemicals into my body.  I may very well not have the same capacity when I am finished.  My hands and feet could be numb. Shit, who knows how many side effects I will actually develop, if any at all.
Today was a fertility appointment in the morning.  I found out my estrogen levels are now 1003.  On Monday they were less than 100.  If that gives you any idea how emotional I have been.  Today, I cried as the vintage cars passed by. I couldn't help myself.  I thought about all the owners of those cars and how life passes by and stuff remains.  Stuff is passed on and I couldn't help but laugh at my tears.  
At the village green stage we caught my friend Sarah Christine play her set.  Friends that have heard my news came and sat with me and I cried some more.  I cried not because I am sad that I have Breast Cancer.  But because of my youth (I grew up there from the age of 17) that is now gone and how incredibly magick it was.  Each friend that came up to me, I have had many experiences with each of them that has helped me to develop into the woman I am today.  OH!  Those estrogen levels.  To put that spin on top of everything else right now, just adds to the Twilight Zone effect.
After we had enough of walking around looking at stuff, stuff we didn't need, we drove south to the town of Burton.  It is a quaint little town that is one of my favorite places on this earth.  My favorite little post office, where the mail people know your name, a little auto shop (where I was taught in my early 20's how to put new rotors on my volvo station wagon- I loved the overalls), it has a little gallery, and the Burton Store, a Vashon Landmark!
We stopped by and visited my friends Hans and Marife and were able to relax to the point that I almost fell asleep on their sofas.  Today, was a good day.  I didn't feel like I "had" cancer.  The idea is still so foreign. How is it that I have cancer?  I am the symbol of health.  I know this because I feel it and because so many people say that to me, once I tell them the news.  Cancer has no agenda.  No one type of person.  I can't wait for the day that perhaps someone will be able to say, "Ah-ha!  Here is your little fucking culprit, this is why."  Today was a good day.  I feel like I have had a summer.  My skin got lots of Vitamin D and I feel good.  
One more thing before I go.  Supposedly, Vitamin D deficiency is thought to be possibly a key indicator of a possible cancer sign.  For those of you that think this, I will say one word.  Bullshit!  At my last check-up, my Vitamin D levels were checked.  Shockingly my results came back, Perfect.  Above perfect in fact.  Rare for people living in the PNW.  But true.  So, there!  Give me another reason!

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