Giving massage right now seems, to me, maybe not to you, but to me inherently wrong. How is it that I am to heal myself of a major illness and harness the strength to heal someone else? Forget about real estate completely. That job is the most STRESSFUL job one can have. Forget about it! I'd rather raise twins during this time than be an agent.
My life is not normal, nor will it ever be again. Maybe D's life is normal, or maybe he can ignore that everything in my life is falling apart, because that is what he has to do to get through this. Maybe that is a guy's way of dealing with a major illness. But my life is 100 % affected. My mind, my heart, my body, my fertility, my hair (i may be grey when this is all done, i've read), my spirit, my soul, *uck I have to look at my mortality daily. There isn't a moment that goes by that I miss my old life. My life that 100% I cannot go back to. My life is changed. Maybe D's isn't, but mine is.
The other thing I have to remind myself is that D hasn't gone through major illness before with others and so he doesn't know what to do. Last night when I was falling asleep, I told him I was scared. He said, "Don't tell me that because I get scared too." So many things all at once, it is incredibly painful. I have no idea what I am going to do when this is all over. I may decide to be an Oncologist. Who knows? You all may be throwing dirt on my grave, who knows. Really. Who knows. The limits are endless. The possibilities are endless.
And one more thing I have been thinking about. This is not Beat, with or By Attitude. I 100% believe, my ability to use visualization and positive is a great thing to do, and I spend about 75% of my day doing just that. I am positive. But come on. Really! What this boils down to is wether or not my body is going to "take" the chemo. And from there, that is where I can have a good attitude. If I am sick, I can remember that I found it, at least. If I am 100% healed I can be happy as a laughing babe. If my cancer metastizes than, I can be happy that I am alive that day. So, yes, I see what attitude means. But the little scientist in me is so sick of hearing that it, being my survival, is all about my, attitude.
I am scared shitless about my upcoming chemo treatment. I have absolutely no idea how my body is going to react to the chemicals. And I have the absolute right to be scared. I need my hand held. Major illnesses in ones life, is one of those crucial, life times that people generally need support from their loved ones. D thinks that he wouldn't. He would just take a cab to his appointments, and he may very well be like that if he got sick. I would have to honor that however hard that would be for me. We all go through a major illness in our own way. Luckily for me, I have lots of good friends and family that are dear to me and I want to open my heart to receiving all this love. That in and of itself, is tough. To open up to being loved without "doing" anything or giving anything back. This is one of the most beautiful experiences I have felt in my life, this one gesture. Simply on the basis of the intent is coming from a PURE place.
4 comments:
Who knows maybe your old normal life will resume once you are done with chemo. If not you will find a new normal. That is what life is all about, right? Life is not static, something happens (good or bad) and we have to adjust, our normal changes. But this is easy for me to say since I'm not in your boat.
Yes, your normal may change. But at the end of this (and it may take a while), you will love life much more. And be ready to embrace everything. It's a wonderful thing, a lease on life.
You are really lucky to have all these friends. And you have one far away that you have never met. When you do your visualizations, imagine someone holding your hand. That's me. If there is anything I can do from this far away, it would be to virtually hold your hand while you go through this.
Just about everything you have felt or described, I have felt. Probably in a different way, but I have been there. I hope that mentally you are feeling better, especially once those estrogen shots stop!
Email me any time.
This is from a friend Nancy that I have met through TNBCF, she posted this comment on the site. I thought everyone would appreciate her words.
Heather,
Tried to post a comment on your blog last night...forgot I had to sign in! So here goes.
If you haven't been dx with cancer, you cannot ever understand what that person is feeling or experiencing, and you never will. It was Lori who was dx...not me.
Cancer is not beat with/by attitude. If that was the case, then millions would still be with us. You can choose to have a more positive attitude, but I bet that is pretty difficult considering what you have to go through. If there was no chemo, no other drugs, millions more would not be with us today. My childhood friend (1951), died within 6 weeks of being dx with leukemia, my grandson is here today due to chemo. He sure didn't know anything about attitude at age 3.
Lori cried, screamed, cursed, and shook all over for 5 weeks after being dx. When in bed at night, she couldn't stand for her hubby to be more than an inch away from her. She was absolutely terrified of chemo.
There is no normalcy in your life right now Heather. Will there ever be? Lori apparently is trying to make hers "normal", but subconsciously, she says "it" is still there.
Lori did work full time through chemo and rads. Don't know how. You appear to be very srong both physically and mentally. Lori was also. Your career probably will not allow you to work.
D loves you Heather, he just doesn't know how to cope with all of this. He is scared too. It is not just a "man" thing, that is just the way some people react. You have to tell him what you need. There are many books out there that he could read, but if he could talk to another husband in a support group, perhaps that would help.
I'll bet that every person who has been dx felt/feels as you do. You are expressing your deepest thoughts, which others have not been able to do, or were afraid to do.
We are all here for you, and D will be too.
Hugs,
Nancy
Hi Heather!
This is Karen from Pitt Meadows. "What is Normal?" It is only a setting on your washing machine. Just want you to know that the Chemo is not so bad. I had my 4th treatment today with my new drug (Docetaxel) after doing 3 treaments of the FEC. The FEC is the one that makes you really nauseated but the anti-nausea drugs are just amazing, so take them as directed and you should not have any problems. My girlfriend who went through it explained it like this. It's like experimenting with alcohol. The
1st drink, no problem, 2nd drink feel it a little, 3rd drink, wish I never went there. It was on the
3rd treatment that I did vomit, but only because I played with the anti-nausea drugs.
I spoke to my oncologist today regarding me having triple-negative as well, and he said that this kind of breast cancer responds better to Chemo and the hormone positive cancer does. I felt encouraged and think that is why I am handling Chemo so well, because this is where you will kick your cancer in the butt.
Stay positive and imagine as must husband does, when you are in chemo treatment, you are gopher hunting and knocking off the cancer heads.
You made the right choice by not working right now. I have been off since Feb and will not return to work until the new year. This is a full time job and so consuming I could not imagine trying to do both.
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