Only 8 more left!

My counts were actually good yesterday. The girl (don't you love my split personalities) in me that wants to hide under a blanket on a warm beach somewhere, was hoping that my counts were too low and chemo was going to get cancelled. But they didn't. The athlete in me that said, "Yippee, one down! 8 more to go!! You can do this", won out. Last week counts were at 4, 800 this week 4,700. No big changes.
An odd thing happened and I got to tell you all about it. I can't remember if I ever talked about it but it is so icky that I am going to again.
Each week as I drive myself to chemo (I drive there, in preparation. I can and do, as much as I can. It helps me, and D drives me home) So. as I am driving I get the gear on. I never have told D this either and since he doesn't read this, he won't ever know : ) But I tell myself all the way there that I can and will make it through this in various forms. I am a huge high fiver, and I imagine giving myself from my different selves many of these. We can do this they say. I smear on black under my eyes and put on a jersey. This sounds so funny and am laughing to myself now, but I really do this. The black under the eyes is the funniest to me, but when I am behind the driver seat driving myself to chemo. This is always a serious part of my preparation.
I usually get a little nauseous waves through my body. It gets worst once I get to the cancer institute. The smells that I once thought were so fun, and new, and my little Tigger in me finding the J.J...JOY in it all has changed to Rabbit and disgust. I get there and ask for my little slip I give to the nurses that are going to access my port. They do this by putting a (very sterile process might I say, that is equally gross) needle into my port and then sealing it up. But what gags me out is all the cleaner and sterilizer stuff they use. I suck on any minty thing they give me and actually yesterdays Altoids Tangerine flavor helped. The grossesst part are the flushes they use before and after. The used to use the perservative filled Heperain and Saline. They push the Heperain in to keep the port (which is very very long and wraps around under my skin) tube clear and not blocked by blood, and the saline just flushes the meds through.
The Saline with perservatives smells and tastes instantly once its pushed through my port like a fruit basket in August that has fruit rotting in it. Just imagine. The Heperain smells like a Skunk. In the beginning I thought wow! Cool! How odd!! Bring it on. Now, it gives me full body shivers and I cannot use the perservative filled ones. I always ask for the "Freshy" ones. So, they the poor nurses have to go an extra couple steps for me. And make fresh ones that do not have the perservatives. I don't get any icky kickbacks and its not bad. Except all the sterilizer stuff.
They then take blood so check out my counts and send me on my merry way.

Okay, now you know what goes on with the port accessing stuff. Fun stuff. They give me a little slip of paper and then I wait in the lobby to see my Onc.

Now, I just have 8 more treatments. I have done exactly 8 total since yesterday. I am half way through with chemotherapy. Crazy. Yesterday I was mad at the world. I never act like this. But everything pissed me off. I said to my little angry self yesterday, "Heather, your the one that is going to change this day around. Why are you so angry? Everyone is upsetting you. What's going on?" And Heather said, "I am mad that I have cancer. As I sat in my little car, I cried. Just for about 30 seconds. But I cried. Didn't indulge. I acknowledge the Heather that was angry and sad and pissed off. I went on with my day and felt better. I guess what triggered it was I went on the Today Show webisite and took a dumb ass quiz that was labeled ARE YOU AT RISK OF BREAST CANCER? I took it. It said NO. YOU ARE A LOW RISK. Fucking dumb quiz. Misleading to all you ladies that have never had breast cancer, or at least knowingly and I felt like this test was actually doing a misservie. A miservice to those woman that are taking it that read my same results, but actually have breast cancer and their doctors have missed it like they missed mine and then these woman take a breath of fresh air and go on with the merry little lives. I got mad at statistics.

8 more to go!

Few I'm so hot..

These hot flashes are intense. I sleep with a thin sheet on. If the sheet goes above my shoulders for some reason it triggers a hot flash and then they all come off. Same with clothing. I wear tank tops under everything right now, so if I get too hot I just take the top layer off. My head gets sweaty all the time. It is amazing but when you have hair on your head you have no idea what your little scalp goes through in a day. I have gotten very intimate with the chemistry of my scalp!! My nose and throat symptoms came back this week, and am not sure if these are precursors to low blood counts. But I won't be surprised if my Onc says no to chemo today.
Yesterday was my first big day of real estate since I was diagnosed. I now have the energy and the full spirit to go gangbusters again with bells on. I am and have always been a firm believer that you must be passionate about what you do and love what you do . If you don't then its not worth it. And I love what I do again, so I had a great time yesterday.
Will keep you posted on whether or not I get to do chemo today. I hope so, because then I will only have 8 more weeks left!!

Pec mmls

I woke up at 2 AM in a panick. Now that I have moved forward in my healing, I am able to process some of what has happened to me. They say when you're done with all your treatments it is the hardest because of this reason. Anyhoo, so 2 AM came and I freaked out about the fact that the surgeon to get clear margins had to take some of my pectoralis muscle. How much, how close to my bones was it? My mind started racing and I started having a mock conversation with my Oncologist asking him to allow me to do radiation at the same time as chemo.
Of coarse, I can't do that. The breast cancer chemo is so severe that they don't let you do them at the same time. I have to have faith that its all going to be alright because I want to live. Shit! I want to live so badly. I just cannot believe that at 33 I am going through this. I have to stop my mind from worrying and just trust that everything is going to be Okay.

My sense of humor

Oh! Saturday night live is so funny. I watched this link at least five times this morning. Thought I'd share it with you all:

http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/digital-short-rasta-man/787201/

Cilantro pesto

I made a really yummy cilantro pasta today and am about to make some blueberry muffins. With chemo on Wednesday, my Saturdays seem to be the hardest day. I generally feel icky, like I have the flu. I know tomorrow will be a better day. It is hard for me to not do things on days like today. If I push myself to take a walk for instance I end up feeling worse so its better for me to just force myself to hang out around the house. I get to have spurts of feeling good and then I have to lay down for a bit.
Same Ol Same Ol, not much difference. I have only 9 more treatments of chemo left now. After this coming Wed. I will only have 8 more and that means only two months left. I can't wait to be done with this part.

Freaky hair thoughts

I think my hair is growing back. I'm not holding my breath but I think it might be. Since I never got the umph to shave my head, I have lots of hairs that are in every length imaginable on my head right now. Some are about a half inch to much smaller. I am not sure if the ones that are on my head are just leftovers of the ones that never fell out, or if there are some new ones. I am surprised to find that the hair that is on my head is blond and my head looks like a little babies. Fine whispy hairs. I notice how scratchy they are at night when my arms go above my head in my sleep.
Today I went out to Vashon and took a walk with an old friend and then visited yet another old friend. I feel pretty icky today so I've been taking the anti-nauseau pills. My finger nails are really starting to darken and hurt, typing isn't that easy right now. The cold crisp air allows me to be thankful that I am experiencing my menopausal symptoms this time of year.

I am finding writing this blog very interesting. There are those of you that have known me for years that really know me, there are those of you that don't know me at all except in passing and are getting to know me intimately, and then there are those of you that have recently gotten to know me and are getting to know me on a deeper level. What is interesting is the feedback I get from all of you. I hope you all understand on whatever level it is that you entered my life, and have been following my life the past few months that I have not changed. I am the Heather in every aspect, every ounce of my spirit that I was before cancer. All my thoughts are thoughts and beliefs and ways that I have processed all this heartache and grief, are ways that I have always coped with life and saw life. And those of you that have been in my life for years that truely know me know this. I think the one major change in my heart and mind is really a simple one. It is that I can be pushed and torn to a degree that I did not know was possible. And that is all. My whole life came tumbling down and crashed. I was never defeated. Although I spent about two months feeling that way. I was crushed. I was so sad and crushed and torn apart. At times it was not graceful. But those shards were and may never be graceful. They still poke and hurt.
Thank you all on whatever level of intimacy we know one another, thank you for your support.
I guess this blog reminds me of how we as Americans can project what we think of others and their lives and when you get to read something as personal as this journey of mine, you get to see who it is that I am. I have always been a fighter, have always been who I am. And that is why I am able to blog about this journey. To help (and it has and will continue to help) other ladies going through similar journeys. And for those of you lucky to not be stretched in this way, you too will be stretched in your own way. As we are here to grow and to go through painful things so that we see the beauty and the light and remember to appreciate the simple art of feeling our own lungs ebb and flow with our breath.

Pumkin pies and Fall

Fall is my favorite season by far. The past few days my friend Gen has been here from Toronto. Its been great having a friend around to make pies with and take really long walks with. But mainly just to talk. When I lived on Vashon I used to make pies almost everyday. There was a year there that I was learning how to make crusts and I'd make a pie a day and give it away. There are just so many pies you can personally eat without gaining weight. Gen's been making a lot of pies lately and she definetly has mastered the art of a pie crust. Flaky, moist, buttery...mmmm good. We took about a 5 or 6 mile walk and I felt awesome. That walk was Tuesday. My sore throat and nose are almost healed.

Yesterday she came with me to chemo, and gave D a break. My counts had almost doubled and so I now to get to that I have nine, count that 9 more chemo's left. I can't wait to be done. I am looking forward to the rains and taking have an excuse of weather to take life easy and eat lots of soup. It will be a good feeling to be done with my treatments at the beginning of Spring when things start to grow. I wonder if the frogs will start their chorus of songs on Vashon in unison with my celebrations of being done with all this.

I am feeling good today so far. I just can't sleep because of those darn steroids.

Where did the weekend go?

I can't believe its already Sunday night. I had a blast this weekend. In fact, I can't remember a weekend that I had this much fun. Today I met my friend Sarah (long time friend from Vashon) and we walked all around the Arboretum. For those of you that don't live in Seattle, it is one of the most beautiful parks here in the city. WIth the fall leaves at their peak I had sensory overload. She reminded me to put myself first and again, I was reminded of the foremost lesson that "cancer" is/has taught me. I need to put Heather first.
Why is it that woman tend to think of their mates/children first, putting off their needs and desires for the greater good. When the greater good often gets neglected in return. I had a great weekend because I put Heather first all weekend, as I have been doing on a much smaller scale since I got diagnosed.
I miss living on Vashon. When I am out there my community is around me at every turn in the road. Literally, it is. I get to say Hello to the folks crossing in the streets. I miss that to the core of my spirit. Taking walks out there I can hear, actually hear the rustle of the leaves and the distant eagle chirping. These are sounds in the city that get eaten up by the roar and vibrant beat of all the people.

I spent all day yesterday out on the island. I had lunch and dinner with friends and in between took a long long walk all by myself. This used to be a daily routine. I can't wait to live out there again. Life is just simpler out there.

Letting go

I realized that my chemo getting cancelled didn't effect me the way it did last time. I was so freaked out last time. Freaked out because I was skipping a treatment. Freaked out because I was supposed to do one. This time, I think I can see my growth as a person, in a big way. I have really learned to let go. It really doesn't matter either way. I can only do what I can do, and that is it. So, I'm patting myself on the back. As today, I was reflecting and realized this. Maybe what my Dad has been saying to me my entire life is starting to become actualized. "Why stress over the things you have no control of, Heather?" Well Dad, even though your not reading this because, it chokes you up to much, I'm starting to learn what you mean(t).

Sores

I am not a doctor, but this whole thing make me think I know just enough to make me lethal to myself. Haha. But seriously, I think that I don't have a sore throat from a cold but from a real life sore. It hasn't gotten better in over two weeks, and has even gotten worse. Drinking water (still tastes like poison) absolutely brings a grimace to my face. It hurts so bad. My doctor said I don't have an infection in my sinus and that its just a sore caused my the chemo. So..that made me think today after I could barely swollow water and thought, hey! Maybe its a sore. It hurts to breath because the sore in my throat gets aggravated. So...maybe I have a cold because my counts are too low or maybe I have a real life sore because my counts are too low and the chemo is attacking my mucusy areas. Oh! fun. I just hope that it heals this week now that I have a week off.

Chemo cancelled #2

Shockingly, my chemo got cancelled not just for a day or two but for a whole week. I feel good, despite the bloody nose and numb tongue thing. My counts are way too low to risk doing a session this week so YIPPEE I have a week off. Last time this happened I didn't get to enjoy it because I had a really bad case of cellulitis. But this week, IT'S A PARTY...starting with tonights debate and then followed with ( I wish a cupcake ) a nice dinner and a week of.... a 35 hour class I've been putting off all year. Really though, I am very very excited for my P*A*R*T*Y!! Yippee!! What will I do with myself? Cartwheels down the middle of the street? A little Yodeling to poor D? Who knows? But its a Party at our house this week. For sure.

Oh, the doc said the bloody nose is from the chemo. No big deal.

#3

After today, I have 9 more to go! I am so excited to be done with this journey. I have had a headache for three days, a bloody nose for three days, and I can't wait to see my doc today to talk to him about my side effects. Not a constant bloody nose, like if you got hit in the nose, but a bloody nose that is a slow drip. I know, I know, disgusting. I almost didn't put this icky side effect in, but I thought in light of the current approaching holiday, I thought I'd put it in.
Yep, 9 more to go and then I have three blessed weeks off and then I start radiation. I have a wonderful spring to look forward to. I can't wait.

Numb things

The past two weeks I have been fighting a cold. I think if I wasn't doing chemo, I wouldn't have a sore throat. Its not getting any worse or any better just staying as a sore throat. Mentally I am so thankful that this new chemo, Taxotere isn't taking its toll. I can think and so I can work, which gives me time to not think about me. I have a few odd side effects. The most noticeable is that my tongue is numb, except for the very center of it. The other thing is that my fingers especially the tips of them feel weird. They don't hurt, they just feel kindof numb but not numb.
My friend Gen is coming here next Monday and I'm excited to see her. I cancelled my sis coming back this week because I am not sick like I was on the AC. I don't need someone taking care of me and helping D out. Not much to say. I am not really letting myself think to deeply right now like I was in the beginning. I feel like I am in the middle of a race right now and I am just trying to get through this. Day by Day.

Lots of food

This past month we've had people bringing food twice a week and it has really helped. Its such a big deal to except this gesture to me. The fact that we need help right now and that this is the most nurturing form of help we get. Simply not having to deal with figuring what to cook but to just go to the fridge and and grab dinner is a blessing. So thank you to all you angels that have been helping us.
I have fleeting worries that the cancer will come back. I guess this is normal. Today it happened. I was standing at the kitchen sink gazing out at the back yard and noticing all the fall color. And the terror of the thought that what if it comes back. I hate all the stats that say 5 or 10 years after treatment the person is still cancer free. Well, I am only 33 and 5 or 10 years is nothing. I wouldn't even be 50 by then. I have to admit that I am freaked out about it. Not that I am dwelling just that I have to acknowledge the possibility. Its kindof like those of you that have been in a bad car accident and as your the passenger in the car the driver makes you scared for your life. You've been through a horrible experience and your body is warning you of danger. Not impending danger, just danger. This is how it feels. My body is scared to go through this again. Not that I feel that I will have to, but I am scared. And honestly, I still cannot believe that that little bump in my boob was a tumor.

A little whoozie

I haven't felt that great today. I was hoping to go for a bike ride, but instead needed to take a nap and relax. I made a chicken soup and biscuits. My first buttermilk biscuits ever. They turned out really yummy. Not much to say other than I am just getting through the day by knowing that tomorrow I will feel better. At least I hope I do.

Senior moments

This week I have had a few funny senior moments. Last night as D and I got ready for bed, I realized that yesterday was Thursday and not Friday. The funny thing is is that yesterday I cancelled massages that I didn't even have scheduled. They were for today. My sweet client didn't say anything and just let me cancel. I don't know if I am explaining this well but today I felt well enough to do the massages, after all. My thing is that I feel nauseous if I don't take my med's and I simply forget to take them. I don't like to take them, and so I think I just put it out of my mind as an option. But today, I have stayed up on them and I feel much better.
I officially have gained ten pounds. I think I will be able to loose them now that I am not eating 24 hours a day. That waking up and eating every few hours was rough. Now that I am not on all the steroids I am hoping that the weight comes off. Not much else to say. I have 2 1/2 more months left of chemo. I am almost done!!

Feeling Icky

Today was a good day. I went grocery shopping and layed around most of the day. I made zucchini muffins. My first baking experiment with agave nectar. They turned out incredible and very tasty. Didn't miss the sugar at all and they didn't have a weird taste to them, like using Stevia. As the day progressed I started turning bright red again, my cheeks are burning in fact. And I feel like I have the flu. Hopefully tomorrow is a good day. My mother in law came down for the day and it was nice to have someone around giving my love pats.

Ooopsss..

I realized just before I left for my chemo that I had totally forgotten last night and this morning to take my steroids. I guess, I conveinently forgot them! I called my doc and the nurse checked with him. She left it that if he was going to cancel my appointment she'd call me back. Well.....I forgot about that too, and went up to my appoinment without my phone. As I sat in my doctors appointment and told him about all my side effects, he said, well...we cancelled your appointment but since your having a hard time on the steroids, lets just try it out today. I luckily got to take my appointment today and luckily had no allergic reactions. So that means, that next time I don't have to take any steroids!! They just pump me full of the daily max amount at my appointment. Yippee!!
I feel whoozie and icky and just ate a great dinner.

Glorious Fall Day

I had an incredible day today. I did a little real estate in the morning, (found an awesome house for some buyers) and then hit the ferry dock! I got out to Vashon island just before the Burton coffee stand closed, got a latte and took a walk around the Burton loop. Its exactly three miles if you park down at the stand. In the past, I usually run from this point. But today, I was just really happy to feel like I was healthy enough and not sick to my stomach to take a fast paced stroll. Walking up the first hill, I kept my eyes high in the sky. The wind from last nights storm was still swooshing around the trees and I was filled with such delight as I felt this breeze whip around my body. I felt embraced by the smell of the needles on the moist ground and felt warmed by the cool wind. I felt my leg muscles lengthening as I took long strides and honestly was shocked that at the end of the walk my muscles felt like I had a good workout. This laying around is starting to take a toll on my body.
I went to the old SBC store and sat and read a book for a few hours before I did a couple massages. I feel really really good right now. Being out on Vashon and being held by community at every turn in the day was a blessing. I always say a little prayer when I go out there. I say, " Please bring whomever I am to see today into my path." Maybe just having the open heart to talk and be present with whoever I run into, opens me to seeing everyone. I always appreciate the spontaneity of this prayer. I usually never call a friend and suggest to hang out. I have so many friends out there, that I just like to bop into people, here there and everywhere. Chemo is tomorrow and I have the strength to do it again because of the smells I have in my memory from my magnificent little isle of love.

The M word

I have to admit to myself how utterly sad and scared I am of the M word. The menopause word. My oncologist told me I had a 50/50 chance of coming out of it when I am all done, if I went into it. All I can think about it my darn Vedic Astrologer telling me earlier in the year that my time to have kids was limited. Of coarse, he didn't mention to me my cancer or anything life changing like that. So, maybe he is wrong. And maybe I do have the 50% chance of getting my moon back, and even if I don't I do have those 4 eggs that I can use still. But I am still really sad. Its silly of me to be strong and try to not think about it.
What am I thinking? Just the fact that for the first time since I was 13, my body is having such a hard time that its shutting down. That in and of itself is sad. My poor little ovaries, full of toxins. My tongue feels numb, my fingers and toes are starting to feel numb, and my stomach feels constantly irritated. Poor little body. And yes, I can feel sad. And of coarse I can get worked up over this and start pulling the tissues, or I can wait and cross my fingers and hope that I get it back. Think of my bones if I go into menopause this early!
In the beginning when my Onc was telling me all the possible things that could happen I just heard them with one ear, took notes with one hand, and then let them all pass through me. Trying to not hold on to anything as a concrete possibility. But now that I have actual side effects showing up it makes all the things he said a little truer and scarier. I tried to be so healthy. I ate right, I thought right, I had lots of fun, and I am still where I am today. Crapshoot, crapshoot, crapshoot. And so, sad for a mintue. Break my heart sad, and I will have to save my mourning till later. A later date. A date, when I know for certain that I need to be mourning something. As right now, Heather!! You have to remember that I have a 50% chance of having a normal body back! Right! I need to walk through my days with this thought. This reality, or its going to be too painful. It will take away from my strength that I need to make it through this.

Fall walks

Last time my sis was here, I really liked to eat Pho after chemo. Now, just her mentioning that she wanted to go there made me sick to stomach. Mouth watering, ick! I have to be careful, because many things I have eaten during chemo I can no longer even think about. Gatorade for one. Yhew!!! Chicken noodle soup. Disgusting... I think you got the point, I won't keep making myself sick. So for those of you just starting chemo, stay away from things that you like to eat.
Today, she brought us to Indian food for lunch and then she hit the road back to Eugene. It was nice to have her here for a day. I really am doing okay, so I told her to go be with her husband. Today I am doing good. Yesterday, for some reason was a really icky day. I kept feeling like I was going to throw up and I kept hugging the toilet bowl, and nothing would happen. Anytime I stood up for a period of time, I would feel like this..so I forced myself to lay around, and hold hands with my sis.
When wendy left, D and I drove to the Arboretum and took a walk. What a beautiful park it is! We kissed under a group of cedar trees and talked about what a stressful time it is for us. He said, 'Luckily we have each other to go through this together.' I agreed. We get to do all the stressful things at once, this year. Have a house on the market, and cancer. Awesome time.

I can't believe it..

I really can't believe that yesterday I learned that in fact what I am experiencing is a freakin' Hot Flash. My friend Debbie, let me know that yes, the sweaty head and neck is a common symptom. Oh, great! I know I skipped a period, and I am really hot all the time. Like when I am sleeping. I can't sleep with any covers on me and throughout the day, I just get super clammy feeling on my head and neck. I am praying and I mean, seriously praying that these hot flashes go away and my period returns when I am all done with my treatment. If not, I am going to be really really sad. I know I have those eggs in the freezer, but I didn't want to have to use them. I really just want to have a family without any help. I can, worse case scenario, still get pregnant with those eggs even if I am in menopause. Sad. So sad, that I can't even spend time right now thinking about it too much.

My sister is coming down this weekend. I got pretty sick last night. And this morning, I realized my throat is pretty sore. I hope I don't get a cold. I don't have much to say. I was doing really good, but it takes a lot to stay chipper and happy right now. I have never danced this often on the edge of depression. I have so many things that are and have happened and I just have to force myself to push them aside as I have no idea how and if my body will bounce back from all this toxic crap.

I still cannot believe that I GOT BREAST CANCER. Its gone now. The surgeon pulled it out, but still. Its hard to wrap my brain around it.

Well...

No laughing last night. She did okay.

I am doing okay. I just can't believe it. I am going to do a few massages today and see if I am really doing as well as I think I am. Doing massage is always the ultimate test. I have not been sleeping through the night. The steroids keep me up. Its pretty crazy, I haven't taken them since Wednesday and they are still in my system. Last night, D said, " Wow! You are bright red." And I was. My face and my chest. Red as Rudolph's nose. I have been eating lots of egg on english muffin lately. I get really severe leg cramps if I miss having a banana a day. I drink plenty of water, so I know I am not dehydrated. I can't bring myself to drink regular water. But Pelligrino I can handle. I think its the minerals and the bubbles. MMM...water that tastes good. I am hoping that I can start exercising a few days a week. I'd like to start running again. I still haven't shaved my head. Its partly me being lazy and partly me not wanting to get rid of the only hair I have. I like referring to my wispy hairs as My Hair. Even though it makes D laugh. But it is my hair.

I miss my hair. I miss being in shape. I miss feeling healthy. I miss not having an achy body. I miss being busy like the tasmanian devil. I miss having a sound mind that everything is going to be okay. I miss having that confidence.

Wow! I feel Great!

I was mistaken, I am not going to be on a steroid feast! I only had to take four tabs total. Two the night before, two yesterday morning, and then they gave me a bunch as a pre-med yesterday. But that is it. No more, till next Wednesday! I got the most naseuous I have as I left the hospital and for the first few hours. But no big deal. I much rather feel sick to my stomach and have my mind. I have been awake since 2 am, because of the steroids, but again I don't feel like crap. I feel like Heather. In fact, I am going to stick with a massage for tomorrow morning that I had booked in the hopes that this is how I was going to feel.
With this chemo I do have chance of losing my nails and have neuropathy in my hands and feet, but I will just keep hoping that it doesn't come to that.

I have officially missed my first period. My body tried so hard. I learned yesterday that it isn't just that my body is shutting down and not bleeding. It is that my ovaries are so full of toxins that they are forced to shut down. Like my bones, they too are full of toxins and my chances of developing Osteoposis is high because of this. I have hot flashes now and its just part of it. I have total faith that after this chemo and I start doing all the detoxing that I plan to do, I will get it back. Hopefully...

I am really excited for the debate tonight. I am going to make popcorn and laugh. Oh, laugh, laugh, laugh.

Steroid Feast

Reluctantly, last night I ate two steroids and began my next hurdle of my LAST (yippee) set of Chemo treatment. I had a few minutes of, "Crap, I don't want to start all this again." But, after a little dinner, I downed the tabs and walked into the unknown. I slept pretty well last night, woke up only once. When I did wake up this morning, West Seattle was immersed in a blanket of thick fog. I welcome this change of weather. I want to move forward as fast as I can with all these seasons. It is hard to believe that I have been dealing with all this since early May. That is the day, the little girl in me brought myself to my regular doctor and had no idea what I was in store for in the coming month. She didn't scare me and just referred me off to get checked, just because she wasn't sure. WASN"T SURE!! Thank God forLeslie C. Tregillus, M.D., and that she didn't take a chance with me. DIDN'T TAKE A CHANCE. Huge! Unbelievable.
Those weeks of waiting came and went and I was nervous. But not that nervous. I knew in my gut though. I did. I tried to prepare D for it the "possibility" the best I could. When I got diagnosed I remembered about a year and a half earlier I had this really odd month. I wasn't pregnant, impossible due to my IUD, but I had three sponanteous times that I got really whoozy and then threw up. Maybe this is when I got "Cancer".
Yesterday I watched Oprah's show on BC. I cried a lot. The sisterhood of familiar feelings and depths of loss, only understood by Survivors.
So, today I start the treatment. I have not allowed myself to read what other people experience, just listened to my Onc. I don't want to fill my head with possibilities. I want to have my own experience, and right now I am very impressionable. So, I am protecting myself from myself. My sister is coming this weekend. I hope that I am doing awesome and we get to take a long walk together and make food together and cuddle and hold hands.