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Friday, October 24, 2008

Freaky hair thoughts

I think my hair is growing back. I'm not holding my breath but I think it might be. Since I never got the umph to shave my head, I have lots of hairs that are in every length imaginable on my head right now. Some are about a half inch to much smaller. I am not sure if the ones that are on my head are just leftovers of the ones that never fell out, or if there are some new ones. I am surprised to find that the hair that is on my head is blond and my head looks like a little babies. Fine whispy hairs. I notice how scratchy they are at night when my arms go above my head in my sleep.
Today I went out to Vashon and took a walk with an old friend and then visited yet another old friend. I feel pretty icky today so I've been taking the anti-nauseau pills. My finger nails are really starting to darken and hurt, typing isn't that easy right now. The cold crisp air allows me to be thankful that I am experiencing my menopausal symptoms this time of year.

I am finding writing this blog very interesting. There are those of you that have known me for years that really know me, there are those of you that don't know me at all except in passing and are getting to know me intimately, and then there are those of you that have recently gotten to know me and are getting to know me on a deeper level. What is interesting is the feedback I get from all of you. I hope you all understand on whatever level it is that you entered my life, and have been following my life the past few months that I have not changed. I am the Heather in every aspect, every ounce of my spirit that I was before cancer. All my thoughts are thoughts and beliefs and ways that I have processed all this heartache and grief, are ways that I have always coped with life and saw life. And those of you that have been in my life for years that truely know me know this. I think the one major change in my heart and mind is really a simple one. It is that I can be pushed and torn to a degree that I did not know was possible. And that is all. My whole life came tumbling down and crashed. I was never defeated. Although I spent about two months feeling that way. I was crushed. I was so sad and crushed and torn apart. At times it was not graceful. But those shards were and may never be graceful. They still poke and hurt.
Thank you all on whatever level of intimacy we know one another, thank you for your support.
I guess this blog reminds me of how we as Americans can project what we think of others and their lives and when you get to read something as personal as this journey of mine, you get to see who it is that I am. I have always been a fighter, have always been who I am. And that is why I am able to blog about this journey. To help (and it has and will continue to help) other ladies going through similar journeys. And for those of you lucky to not be stretched in this way, you too will be stretched in your own way. As we are here to grow and to go through painful things so that we see the beauty and the light and remember to appreciate the simple art of feeling our own lungs ebb and flow with our breath.

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