Only 8 more left!

My counts were actually good yesterday. The girl (don't you love my split personalities) in me that wants to hide under a blanket on a warm beach somewhere, was hoping that my counts were too low and chemo was going to get cancelled. But they didn't. The athlete in me that said, "Yippee, one down! 8 more to go!! You can do this", won out. Last week counts were at 4, 800 this week 4,700. No big changes.
An odd thing happened and I got to tell you all about it. I can't remember if I ever talked about it but it is so icky that I am going to again.
Each week as I drive myself to chemo (I drive there, in preparation. I can and do, as much as I can. It helps me, and D drives me home) So. as I am driving I get the gear on. I never have told D this either and since he doesn't read this, he won't ever know : ) But I tell myself all the way there that I can and will make it through this in various forms. I am a huge high fiver, and I imagine giving myself from my different selves many of these. We can do this they say. I smear on black under my eyes and put on a jersey. This sounds so funny and am laughing to myself now, but I really do this. The black under the eyes is the funniest to me, but when I am behind the driver seat driving myself to chemo. This is always a serious part of my preparation.
I usually get a little nauseous waves through my body. It gets worst once I get to the cancer institute. The smells that I once thought were so fun, and new, and my little Tigger in me finding the J.J...JOY in it all has changed to Rabbit and disgust. I get there and ask for my little slip I give to the nurses that are going to access my port. They do this by putting a (very sterile process might I say, that is equally gross) needle into my port and then sealing it up. But what gags me out is all the cleaner and sterilizer stuff they use. I suck on any minty thing they give me and actually yesterdays Altoids Tangerine flavor helped. The grossesst part are the flushes they use before and after. The used to use the perservative filled Heperain and Saline. They push the Heperain in to keep the port (which is very very long and wraps around under my skin) tube clear and not blocked by blood, and the saline just flushes the meds through.
The Saline with perservatives smells and tastes instantly once its pushed through my port like a fruit basket in August that has fruit rotting in it. Just imagine. The Heperain smells like a Skunk. In the beginning I thought wow! Cool! How odd!! Bring it on. Now, it gives me full body shivers and I cannot use the perservative filled ones. I always ask for the "Freshy" ones. So, they the poor nurses have to go an extra couple steps for me. And make fresh ones that do not have the perservatives. I don't get any icky kickbacks and its not bad. Except all the sterilizer stuff.
They then take blood so check out my counts and send me on my merry way.

Okay, now you know what goes on with the port accessing stuff. Fun stuff. They give me a little slip of paper and then I wait in the lobby to see my Onc.

Now, I just have 8 more treatments. I have done exactly 8 total since yesterday. I am half way through with chemotherapy. Crazy. Yesterday I was mad at the world. I never act like this. But everything pissed me off. I said to my little angry self yesterday, "Heather, your the one that is going to change this day around. Why are you so angry? Everyone is upsetting you. What's going on?" And Heather said, "I am mad that I have cancer. As I sat in my little car, I cried. Just for about 30 seconds. But I cried. Didn't indulge. I acknowledge the Heather that was angry and sad and pissed off. I went on with my day and felt better. I guess what triggered it was I went on the Today Show webisite and took a dumb ass quiz that was labeled ARE YOU AT RISK OF BREAST CANCER? I took it. It said NO. YOU ARE A LOW RISK. Fucking dumb quiz. Misleading to all you ladies that have never had breast cancer, or at least knowingly and I felt like this test was actually doing a misservie. A miservice to those woman that are taking it that read my same results, but actually have breast cancer and their doctors have missed it like they missed mine and then these woman take a breath of fresh air and go on with the merry little lives. I got mad at statistics.

8 more to go!