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Monday, October 27, 2008

Pec mmls

I woke up at 2 AM in a panick. Now that I have moved forward in my healing, I am able to process some of what has happened to me. They say when you're done with all your treatments it is the hardest because of this reason. Anyhoo, so 2 AM came and I freaked out about the fact that the surgeon to get clear margins had to take some of my pectoralis muscle. How much, how close to my bones was it? My mind started racing and I started having a mock conversation with my Oncologist asking him to allow me to do radiation at the same time as chemo.
Of coarse, I can't do that. The breast cancer chemo is so severe that they don't let you do them at the same time. I have to have faith that its all going to be alright because I want to live. Shit! I want to live so badly. I just cannot believe that at 33 I am going through this. I have to stop my mind from worrying and just trust that everything is going to be Okay.

1 comment:

S. F. Heron said...

Heather, I thought about your post for a good part of the day. It's the biggest fear, isn't it? But it's why you are going through the nightmare of chemo. There is great success in this "plan" they have all of us on and it works.

I don't have clean margins. I know it and they know it - they even sent me to Johns Hopkins to confirm it. And it's the chest wall and skin that is my issue. And you know what? I put it out of my mind for now. Because the chemo is racing through my body, then the radiation will beat it all to hell AND IT WILL BE OVER.

My Mom likens chemo to a Pac Man. She says it's chomping her cancer to bits.

I love that analogy and I'm stealing it from her.

Be well and take care,
Sharon