Open hand

I can't remember if I've said this or not. But I just was reminded of it when I was writing to another TN BC (triple negative breast cancer) sister on the TNBC foundation site.

I imagine the saying, "Love someone with an open hand." Well that someone is me.

When I was doing the A/C I didn't know if I could do more and keep going. And honestly, the past week has been so hard that on an emotional level that is how I am feeling. I am crying all the time ( and I used to never cry) and I am sad. Simply sad. But how I am getting through this is by surrendering. I have to just open that hand that wants to hold on to the idea that I have the right to not feel sick. That I have to right to be healthy. The idea that my life is in my control. Whatever it is. I just have to let go. I have to open my heart to this journey and let go of all my judgements and ideas of what's fun and make fun where I can.

When I was a little girl, I was in 2nd grade actually. My mom was in a terrible car accident. My older sis missed a corner in their new little VW bug, that was red. They hit a couple trees square on and my mom was in bed for months. I remember crawling in to bed to with her and finding animals out of the ceiling texture on the ceiling. We'd lay in bed together, finding the fun in what we could. And that is what I need to do right now. Just let go of the idea that laying in bed for days on end would normally depress me (maybe I am depressed) and just get over myself. Just be in the present moment and that's it.