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Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Picking up the leaves

Today was a big day, and this will be a long post. Where to start?

I was on the island today and during the massage I was giving I felt my athlete in me. Doing massage, I always have felt her. As, occasionally I (unbeknownst to my clients~now you guys know) I put myself into a yoga posture to stretch as I am doing massage moves. What happened to me when I got diagnosed was that my life imploded. I let go of everything as everything, and I mean everything fell apart and to the side. All that I had ever thought I'd known, disintegrated. Even my athlete. Although I have called on her during my treatment, I haven't connected with her yet.

I think I have to start with yesterday before I go further. Yesterday, as I watched Ellen Degeneres ( I am now a TV holic that loves, and I mean loves all these TV shows, so funny to me) so as I watched her, I got up as I was feeling well enough to do exercises for the first time since I was diagnosed, in a serious way. Every commercial I did lunges, squats, calf raises, tricep dips, and crunches. I felt great doing it and but I didn't say hi to my athlete. I just did the exercises.

Fast forward to today, my calf's were a little sore and I felt supported by my body, by my athlete. Back again, during the massage, I looked in the mirror as I was doing a massage stroke, and said hi to her. And in that moment, I realized how far from her I was. I checked in with myself, and there was the base emotion of anger. But when I looked closer, I was angry that she, the athlete had forsaken me. I mean hell, I have exercised religiously my whole life. She let me down. She let me have cancer. She, oh, the tears started. Not heavy, as I was working, and this all happened in a matter of probably two minutes. But it was deep. I realized that I had to forgive her. I had to forgive my athlete/my body for giving up. For not fighting off that fucking cancer. And in this forgiveness, of really myself, I had to recognize on a deep level that she wasn't at fault. But that I had been pissed and disappointed in her efforts. I had been let down and that we needed to come back together. I needed to forgive her. So, during that massage I welcomed myself back to my athlete/my body.

I told her that I am ready to do those yoga postures again, and to feel my body again, and to risk loving my body again. Risk, thinking and ultimately believing that if I love my body by exercising I will live a longer healthier life.

I was ready to feel again. So, through the few eyelashes I have the tears got heavy, and I wiped them away and I was whole. I went for a three mile walk today around the Burton Loop. There is a flat stretch along the way, and my athlete in me said, "Why don't you run that half mile, Heather." So I did. I felt my lungs rise and fill with air, and felt my body get warm again. I was in touch with my breath. I was and am, alive. I caught the cancer as early as I could. My life is in the hands of what I agreed to as I entered this body. I am learning from all of this. I am growing and learning to love myself in a deeper way. And that is all I can say.

I am ready to start doing yoga again, and start feeling my body again. I am no longer afraid of her. I am no longer angry with her. And I am no longer disappointed in her.

3 comments:

yvonnecas said...

Just a thought...Maybe the athlete in you also feels like "she" let you down and that there was nothing "she" could do to prevent the cancer. Maybe that is why "she stayed away so long even! It's crazy that way...It makes me think of the people - like you- who live such clean lives and run daily and then fall down from a heart attack! The athlete can do all it can, but sometimes something ugly just slips through the cracks! Don't hate the athlete....she is trying everything to help...and TRULY has helped you I am sure, but sometimes you can do everything you can and there are some things you can't control. I think this was one of them for the athlete in you. You just need to embrace her and thank her for making you such a strong being in order to fight the cancer!

betgro said...

Yeah, Heather, forgiveness is a gift you have given yourself.

Unknown said...

JEDI maestro!