Road Trip

On friday I drove by myself, to Bend. My best friend from childhood lives down here with hubby and kids. Her littlest was born just weeks before I was diagnosed, so I hadn't met him yet. Its been nice to be away from my cancer routine. I felt pretty sick friday and saturday. I was able to notice how often I talk about all my body symptoms. Of coarse, Jody didn't mind hearing about them all. But I realized how good D is to listen constantly to all of them. Being a massage therapist I am pretty darn in touch with myself.
Speaking of changes, just as I was leaving on Friday I noticed as I was brushing my teeth that indeed my hair is growing back. For some reason eyelashes and brows are falling out, but hair on my head is growing back. Thrilling. I just can't wait be pretty again. Please don't post comments that I still am. Its just the fact that I don't have hair, that I think in my mind I have hair, until I see a picture of myself or see myself in the mirror. I just can't wait to be feminine in this way again.
Being around Jodys kids I realized how I have to protect my heart right now. Usually Sadie (she's 2) melts my heart and I love falling in love with her sweetness. But this time, I am faced with possibly not getting to have my own kids, and maybe kids at all, so I feel kindof like the grinch. Not the grinch as he is in the world, but the grinch right before his heart grew. As, its hard to be around the kids and not have it melt. But I'm just letting it melt a little. Otherwise, I just cry. And believe me, there have been a lot of tears since I've been here. Its just entirely sad to me that I am dealing with this.
I come back tomorrow, and can't wait to see D. I miss him so much and feel so lucky to have him through my side during all of this. Its been a lot for him and I. Hard to believe all the tough times we've had. You just don't know the kind of person you've married until you journeyed together through something like this.