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Monday, December 8, 2008

The weekend

Our weekend flew past us, like they always do. The insane swelling went down by Sunday. Thank God. Just walking really gave me an understanding for what it might be like to be over weight, and not want to walk because its so hard to walk. I was out of breath just walking up the stairs to our master bedroom. It took so much more energy to get up those darn stairs! I have my cute little knees back, and I can see my ankles, and life is good.
Yesterday, D needed some guitar strings so we drove to Fremont. I didn't feel well yesterday, the flu thing, so I stayed in the car. I noticed we were parked across the street from the Flying Apron Bakery and caffeine seems to give the flu symptoms a jolt, so I walked over there and got a latte. I sat out on bench and enjoyed the winter day. I sat there and remembered all the memories I've had, in Fremont. Shopping, eating, strolling after dinner to get gelato, a special day newly in love w/ D, and I couldn't help but sit there and cry. I am so emotional lately its crazy. I, someone who prided myself in the fact that I wasn't one of those people. A crier. Well, shit, I am a crier in full force now.
Of coarse when the tears start swelling, then you cry about everything else too. I wasn't sobbing, I was in public, but I had a nice river flowing down my little checks. I was just so sad that I am dealing with this. Not why me, this time. But fuck, its ME! And, shit this sucks. My little body hurts. I am so sick of feeling sick. Everyday, sick. I am so sick of it. I am sick of being sad and wishing for the day that its over. I am exhausted, and I felt sad for the exhaustion.
I thought of healthier days, and christmases in the future that I will be so thankful for a healthy busy life. A life that doesn't revolve around doctor's appointments, and one full of exercise again. I mean, I actually dream of exercising, this is how much I miss it!
D came, and we started home. I kept crying, and telling him how I felt. I asked him to drive through downtown so I could see the Macy's star and the other city lights. It sure is a beautiful star. By the time we were done with that the tears and the pitty party were over. We came home, and I felt much better and we just watched a couple of movies, and one tear jerker, Hallmark Movie on TV.
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A dark thing happened to my family this past week. One that I don't really want to talk about, but that I am going to anyway because there is a point to it. My older sister's suicidal ex-husband, finally got his wish when he took his life this past week. I have been really sad for him. Sad that he didn't get the help he needed, and that makes me super sad. He was a really good man, just sick. Suicide is a strange thing. Its also funny timing, he gave his life away when I am fighting for mine. And the thought I have on this is: if he got cancer, would he have been stoked because he wouldn't have had to kill himself, because the cancer would. Or would he have been faced with the fact that he would die, and not want to die, and push through? To life. We are all born into this world with our struggles. And cancer is helping me to understand the depth of my personal struggle isn't any less than your's. Its all the same. I just wonder if John had the chance to face death if he would have in turn fought for life. Was his death a cry for help, or was he really done? I'll never get to talk to him about this and that makes me sad. I will miss him. Please no comments about this. Thanks..: )

3 comments:

Leigh said...

Sweetheart - my heart goes out to you. Thank you for capturing so eloquently what so many of us have felt. Much love, Leigh

tamara said...

I'm so glad your cute knees are back! :) much love lady....

Tink1272 said...

<3