I think I'm better

You know, when my Onc told me to get the utlra sound for my heart because he was concerned something else more sinister might be happening I told him, "I don't feel like there is water around my heart." The little hippie girl in me that like to believe I can just check in with myself and know what's going on has been teased mercifully since I got diagnosed with cancer. I had no idea I had cancer, and I had no idea I had two liters and a pint of agua in my chest cavity.
Today, I get to go see my Onc and get another chest xray and I am excited. I do not know if its possible, but I feel like I've lost 30 pounds in the past few weeks. I have slowly been ballooning up more and more, and know that I am done with the chemo for almost a month, and had the procedure to let me heart start working properly again, my body is just flushing out all the water weight I gained. It was so hard each week getting on the scale, sometimes in a week gaining 10 pounds. I wasn't eating any different than I normally would when I was on the last chemo drug, Taxotere. Now, the AC totally different story! Do you guys remember the every two hour wake up and eat steroid induced insomnia I as having. That was horrible. If I was a wealthy woman, and could have had paid a friend to stop her life to come and live with me during this time I would have. To wake up all those hours and be able to talk to someone, to make me food. : )
So today is chest x-ray day. They can't really ever tell me exactly how much water is in there, but last nights sleep was the best so far. I don't think I can remember waking up feeling my lungs hurt when I rolled on to either side. Yesterday was my best day, so far in months and months. I am really emotional and am crying a lot and that is just the way it is. I am not judging myself, the cancer took that one away. If I am in my office and something touches me, or if someone tells me something and it touches my heart I cry. I cry because life is so freakin' precious and people and their stories and my story just makes me cry like a four year old who doesn't yet know that sometimes in an adults life its not okay to cry. I am sure life will callous this gift cancer gave me, but until then, I like I did yesterday, start crying when my broker gave me a hug as I was leaving the office yesterday and cry myself to the car. Life is tough.
Back to the doc's I am also really really excited to get on the scale. If you guys remember the topping weight was an unbelievable 173.2 and I left the hospital at 155, and I am feeling like mmm...lets see maybe 147 now. I can't wait to see. I started out at 138, and am excited to get back there. What I am even more excited about it being 138, but being fit. Seeing my leg muscles again, and being able to twirl around like the tasmanian devil "doing" things.
The other thing that I've seriously started contemplating is borrowing my friend Leighs hair extensions. She's battled and now WON. (and she's just a wee bit older than ) throat and tongue cancer for 5 years. Well, she bought herself some very expensive hair extensions and I am over looking like I have cancer. Now that I am nearing the end of my treatment I want to look pretty again. She said I need to have a little more hair so they can put them on, and I am really excited about this. In fact, I've just for sure decided, I am going to do it. The lesson of going bald and learning how be different in this world was a very valuable thing for me. I got my feelings hurt on a regular basis. And then I learned that especially with the kids that just cannot help them selves from running over like in the grocery store and looking at me with a quadruple take for me just to say to them, "I know I look kind of funny without any hair." That always cracks a smile on their curiosity and they go off running in the direction of their parents. Maybe I learned how to deal with it, and maybe I just got used to it....NOT!!