Sleeping, and then not

I have had to teach myself how to sleep again. Last night was my first night since the whole hospital incident that I fell asleep for almost 8 hours. I have been going to sleep around 8:30-9:30ish and waking around 5-6 am. I was so excited that I managed to do this last night, that I was hopeful this was going to continue. I was wrong. Tonight I went to bed around 8:30 again, but I just woke up in a panic, layed in bed trying to talk myself down, and finally am up haphazardly watching Saturday night live and writing here. The Jonas brothers are on SNL and I just don't get why little girls are so in to these guys.
Before cancer, I was always an excellent sleeper, my entire life. Pretty much as soon as my head hit the pillow I'd fall fast asleep. I might wake up with a nightmare, but was always able to calm myself down, if I had to I'd wake up and journal about a bad dream, but I'd be able to go back to sleep. But now, what happens is I wake up from in a panic over one thing or another. Tonight it was the realization that I have come to terms, fully with the idea of "what if" my cancer comes back, and what will I do. I have not come to terms with it on such a scale that I've called and made the plans, but I at least know what I'd do and who I'd call, and what I'd say, and who I'd let in/out of my life. Because, I am not going to "fight" to live, and "kill" and "poison" myself again with chemo. But then again, the plan I have is only a plan, and hasn't been and hopefully will never be "challenged" by the actual event, that could/may/very well change all that I have and will say here. : )
But, I woke up with the realization that I have given enough energy to my "what if plan" and this was neccessary. I am a planner at the core, and I need to not be crucified by shock if "it" comes back. This very well may kill me and take me down emotionally. I can only have this happen to me once, and that day was June 2, 2008.
So...I've planned enough, thought enough, and now, NOW I need to let it go. I need to now be in the present moment again, know that that plan is in the corner, under that rug, and hopefully I never need to pull the rug back and use this plan. So, there you go little plan, little idea, there is your resting place. And now, I need to be in the present moment, and in this realization in my sleep, I woke up in a panic, or should I say the little hippie in me woke up in a panic. Because I started to worry that I have thought about this too much, and that if I don't get a grip on it, I could be creating a "situation". But the realist in me understands that the hippie is being ridiculous and that if "it" comes back, it wasn't and isn't my fault and there is nothing I could've done differently. But still, the hippie is winning out here. Basically because I don't feel its healthy for me to think about my demise. So, I am started thinking about this over and over, and the survivor in me that wants to live started to panic about this whole freakin' thing and I tried to sooth myself into going back to sleep but I couldn't.

I couldn't because of the obvious reasons. The old sleeper didn't have BIG stuff like this to mull over, and did I mention to you that since I've been done with chemo my chemopausal symptoms have been full on again? Hot flashes constantly. So, I lay in bed with hot flash after hot flash. Whipping on and off the covers. And the more I think, it seems the thoughts trigger hot flashes, and they come in waves. So....after about an hour of this ridiculous crap, I got out of bed and luckily SNL is on.