The waiting room for radiation makes me feel out of place, with the exception of one thing. I can look around and anyone in a robe, ask, " What kind of cancer do you have?" I have lots of emotions in there. One when I hear old people, like old.. Like super wrinkly and not able to update their own watches because they don't know how to or can't remember how to. So they come up to me and ask me to, when all I want to do is sit and think about myself and what I am doing to myself. It pisses me off that I am in there with a bunch of old people. None of them knowing how it is for me at my age to go through this. To them, who the hell knows. I don't know what its like for them, and I honestly do not have the patience, the humor, or the grace right now to try to understand what its like to get cancer and try to fight it when you just have years left.
The kind girl in me, and the adult woman in me knows that this anger isn't really angry at them. I am just angry, and pissed. So, I try to not talk to them. I am sure over the next 6 weeks this anger will pass. And I can see the truth that we are just people trying to live, trying to buy ourselves time. Me, probably more time then them.
Yesterday, I almost started to cry when I got on my robe and sat in the chair and waited to be called. It was just us ladies, and we all had gone through our various treatments. I being the newbie, didn't know any of them, but they all said hi to one another. You see, you go at the same time every week, so there begins to be a connection to the other people in robes. For a moment, this room reminded me of a women's sweat lodge. All the emotional baggage we can bring along with us in our daily lives, all our grief, all our saddness, all our joy, and share it with one another in chanting or song, or story. And this last one is what it felt like. We all had a story, a horrendous story, and we all shared a similar thread. I couldn't help but breath deeply as this experienced washed over me.
Touched so deeply, and finally around my kind.
I haven't cried on the radiation table the past few days. Once they position me, so that my tattoos line up with the red laser beams, the treatment itself is just about four minutes. Tops. My skin is still doing great, three treatments down, only thirty left. As my best friend Gen said today, you're an eleventh of the way done! I loved her optimism. I am using a topical treatment called Biafin. Not sure what if anything it is doing but I am using it.
I am starving right now. I have a quick eye surgery at 2:30 today, and since I am going to see an athenthsiologist, I haven't been able to eat since 6 AM. I am really hoping this does the trick. Yesterday, I gardened outside and the cold just makes my left eye tear up so badly that it is hard to garden and wipe my eyes at the same time and not get dirt in my eye. For those of you out there that have this same problem, I would tell you that Dr. Heffernan is incredible and a joy to be around. You should get this surgery done.
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12 comments:
Do you get the "pity" looks? I used to get those from the older women. Or they would just whisper about me, like I couldn't hear. It was rude. They don't have a filter.
You're doing good, kiddo. Can't wait for it to be over!
Yes! This is what really pisses me off. THe whole room kind of looks at me and you can see them thinking and then the pitty look. It drives me nuts.
Mmm..Where to start
FIrst, you along with all my other friends have been there for me because you are just that, and for no other reason. Not because of an "age" thing.
This blog has upset many people or should I say pushed peoples buttons. This is a non-edited how I feel and what I am going through. I do know that all emotions and thoughts could and usually are edited, but I have chosen to not do that in here, with the exception of D, and try to keep his process private as well as I can.
Shirley, you have not been with me to witness what I witness and how I feel. I have not been angry like I have been feeling the past few weeks during this journey I've been on. Sure, those filters are there and that is what we all see our life through. These filters I am AWARE of, and that is why I said I should sit with my anger and not talk to them. You are not in the waiting room with me, you are not on the street with me, and you do not have people looking at you in the same lense as they look at me, as you said, you are older.
Yes, most of the looks I get are kind and caring, but some are not. We all are pretty good face readers, as those musles facial expressions are pretty universal.
Not age related.
I have wrote about this before. In fact spoke with an eldery friend of mine today about it. If you are offended my sincere apologies. I am talking about ALL my thoughts, and processes and they like I said in the blog, are not graceful and kind ALL the time.
I am not saying in any fashion that my life at 33 is any MORE valuable than it would be at 73. For anyone that KNEW me would know that is not what I am saying here. This is not an AGE thing, its me simply stating I do not know what its like for someone who is older going through this, and I do not have the ability nor the grace to sit and listen right now. Maybe I will in a few weeks, like my post said.
But for now I need to focus on myself in contemplation because that is what I feel is the best. Not because I am seething with age related "ageism"
As someone who is somewhere between your age and the age of the older radiation patients, and someone who is a heck of a lot closer to death from this disease than you are, I want to invite you to chew on something. Don't do anything with it, just chew on it.
Can you relate the anger that you are feeling as you protect and try to heal yourself to the emotions that your DH felt towards you?
I don't know what insights pondering this can bring, but it just occurs to me that it might be a valuable question to live in.
Mucho hugs,
Caryn
I have been sitting with this anger that is trickling up the past few weeks. I think it is simply a natural response to everything, not just one thing. I never got "angry" or "pissed" in the beginning.
Let me also say, I am not walking around angry all the time, far from that. I can just feel it at times. I honour it.
And just because I write about me feeling it does not mean that I am acting on it in a vicious way.
caryn,
good chewable question. :)
heather,
i held it together during chemo, but the flood gates of emotions opened up during the time I had radiation treatment.
we are who we are.
i never talked with anyone in the radiation room-everyone kept to themselves.
I wish you and all of us who have marched down this dumb cancer trail or journey, the very best of the very best. I have found that the most reassuring thing for me has been to move ahead. People do that in different ways and at varying speeds. It takes some time to do that. It is most important for you to process everything about this difficult way in the very best way that works for you. Thank you, I do appreciate your comments. THey were not intended to be vicious. I feel sad that you see that way through your filters. But we all have them, and our own perceptions. It was not, my wish and never will be, to add to your stess or anger, and for that, I am truly sorry.
Shirley,
You are right about moving on, but in my case (with Stage IV BC), as hard as I try, lately, I'm having trouble envisioning the 'forward.' There are so many good things that planned in my family in the next several years. Everyone is making distant plans. I get caught up in that excitement and am then brought up short when I wonder if I'll be here and if I am here, will I be in good enough shape to do those things?
Probably just a pity party on my part.
I understand, I really do. It sure is not just a pity party at all. We are dealing with real stuff, here, that is for sure. You sound wonderful. What a nice aunt for Heather, and of course, she is a sweetie and I know you love her. I have times when I am discouraged, mostly related to the degree of energy I have (Herceptin messed up my heart) and if I get a good night's sleep. As I reflect on what you wrote, I think you expressed the same concerns I feel. I know that my past life and my future life, scans are one predictor. But it could be something else.
And, a good ole' pity party now and then is part of my life, too. I think I get the highest degree of acceptance and comfort just marching along with my lists of things to do, seeing my grandchildren (the 8 year old boys wear me out in a hurry.)
I am grateful to Heather for facilitating knowing you through her journey with all this. For some weird reason, I get much comfort FROM making long term plans (if the travel fare is not toooo expensive)
Although the Stages are real enough, there are exceptions to all of them in either direction.
You write extremely well, a real gift for others.
This post struck a nerve but who cares? You are being gracious enough to share your uncensored thoughts with us in this hellish journey you are on.
Oh, wow. I thought for a minute that third post was directed at me. I was worried for a minute.
With this type of thing, we all have our subsequent crosses to bear. And everything you feel, is right. Thank you for letting us in on your feelings. I obviously don't know the people that are reading this, so I don't want to stick my nose in where it doesn't belong.
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