Emotional Day

I had an incredible day today. The past few days my heart and soul have been touched deeply by the sun. I know, in the Pacific Northwest the sun doesn't come out very much. But on days like today and yesterday, I just can hardly keep a smile off my face. It is quite a different feeling I must say then in the past though. The sun has really touched my soul with HOPE the past few days. Strange and very unique, I must say. Kind of like the tree frog I managed to grab yesterday when I was walking around Fischer Pond on Vashon Island. The whole time I've been going through this hell ride, I just kept visualizing the end of it, would be the same time that the frogs would start their singing. And so yesterday, it was perfect that I saw one and let his little wet body touch me and my heart. The Frog has been a totem for me on this journey.
I had a wonderful day today. I had my 21st radiation appointment at my usual time of 8:15. I have become friends with all the folks in the waiting room with me. One gentlemans last day was today. His wife brought these delicious cookies, and I said what the heck, its 8:15 AM, why not! I congratulated him. And stood to shake his hand, but suddenly it was not enough and what he had gone through, what I had gone through, we embraced. I almost cried.
I went on my way, onto Vashon Island to give a massage. Doing massage is very good for me right now. With the steroid induced mania, massage forces me to focus all that energy and quiet myself down.
THen I went to see my Onc. When I was waiting for my blood work to be called, I saw a young couple, late 20's. The girl didn't have any hair, was in incredible shape, and was super sad. I started talking to her, asked her her age. Only 26, Hodkins. We just looked into each others eyes, after swapping our stories, not going into the roughness, but just acknowleging how rough its been. And she and I just simply cried. I cried for her. She still had 4 chemo's left, and I felt so bad for her. I gave her my number, and I hope that she calls me. Her name was Alanna.
I saw my Onc, and he told me that he couldn't take me off the steroids unless I took that pill, Colihcine. So, I started crying more. And told him I didn't want to go on it, and that I didn't want to go on it for a year, and that I was afraid I'd have to be on it for the rest of my life, and he hugged me. Looked me in the eye, and said would you take it please. So, yes. I took it today. It makes me really, really sad that I am taking this pill now. I wish I could just be done in a few weeks, and not have any lingering side effects. I am crying right now. I just want my body back. I just want Heather back. I miss her, deeply. I miss my joy. I miss my laughter. I miss her. I do.