Did it?

Today, like I said in my earlier post, I woke to a small trickle. I was so excited, but in this excitement, because it means absolutely the world to me, I protected my heart. And I am glad I did, and I am sad that I am doing that. It will just break me, and the grief of me actually not getting my period back, is somewhere in the future, and I don't need to grieve for the loss of it, if it indeed does come back, which it might.
My body is trying so hard to bleed. I still have hot flashes constantly throughout the day. The warm weather is nothing to them. Someone asked me the other day what they are like. I said its like suddenly being in Joshua Tree.
So, the small trickle, was just that. And then it went somewhere. Not sure where. Yesterday, I was standing in line at the co-op and felt my ovaries get warm and I felt a warm fuzzy feeling wash over me. The familiar feeling of my bodies signal that it would bleed soon. Then usually that night I would dream of blood somewhere, and then the next day, it would be begin.

Maybe just this month that was it. Cancer has brought me so many teachers. And angles within these lessons. So, yet again I get to learn about expectations, and let it go. I can hope, but even that too, is hard. It brings me to the future, and I again, am safe and comfortable in the here and now.

I wanted to mention a big thing that happened the other day.

I was getting a pedicure, my second since all this happened. I walked in and instead of feeling apart and separate from the female race, I was part of them, once again. I walked around and shopped and gazed at all the "things" that I could get allured into buying.
And then I sat down, with an elderly woman on my right and another woman, mid- to late 50's. I explained that this was only my 2nd pedicure in a year, and why. The 50 yr old woman said, I have had a friend who had leukemia. She went on to explain to me that she really respected her, because of the way she held herself up, and took such good care of herself throughout treatment. And then she went on to say, that her sister in law had breast cancer. The way she spoke of her, I could tell there was a bit of disdain for her. She said that with her sister in law, she hadn't respected the way she went through her treatment because she became a recluse and wasn't open to her. She said that she had given her a cancer book, and the sister in law, hadn't even read it. I said to her well, I was really sick with my treatment and maybe I didn't really reach out to too many people (or did I).
I told her that there is no one way to get through cancer treatment. No right way. Everyone reacts differently to their treatment, and its very easy, not having cancer, to think that you know the way you will act, react, and during treatment. The fact is, is that she doesn't have any idea. I told her, maybe you could respect the fact that she got through it, and she did the best and only way she knew how to. She replied, Well, she's dead.

I was so incredibly appalled by this woman. It reminded me of a few folks, early on in my treatment/diagnosis, that judged me and how I processed my world falling apart. How is it and why is it that people tend to be so judgemental of others. Measuring and balancing the way others go through their lives, to theirs. When the fact is, is that no one knows what it is like to walk and wear those shoes.
People miss the opportunity all the time, to ask and to learn, and to be insightful of others pain. Instead of opening their hearts to trying to understand someone else's pain, people close their hearts (or they are already shut) and judge. Its sad. I felt sad for that woman, but mainly I felt sad for her sister in law.

I am feeling good. My right lung, only when I take a very deep breath is starting to hurt in the slightest, of ever so slight pain. I am not concerned, I think I am fine. I am afraid to say anything to my cardiologist because I don't want to take a higher dose of steroids. If it worsens, I will though. So, my mother hens can relax...: )

Love all you mother hens.