A rat race in my head

I have so much going on in my head, in my heart, in my body, in my mind, in my everything. I am enjoying it all immensely. I enjoy it all so much, that I get overwhelmed and then I cry. I need to start writing here more often again, because I need to process stuff.
Today was an all day doctor visit day. I saw my Cardiologist and he thankfully has started the steroid taper, tomorrow I go from 20 mg to only 10, for a week. And then to 5 mg's the following thursday. I am excited to start this process. Nervous that I will have another reoccurence, but hoping that doesn't happen. He said he wanted me to wait to start excercising until Monday. I told him that I am finally feeling better. Its taken almost two months to regain my body energy from the last attack. Pretty incredible really. I kept thinking I was all better, or back to normal, but weeks later, I can tell you that I feel totally different than I did a few weeks ago, and am totally ready to start exercising. I want to start going to boot camp, but he said wait a bit longer. At least until Monday, so that I can if I do have pain in my chest, know what caused it.
Then I went and saw my cancer therapist, and talked body stuff. Good.
Then I gave a massage.
Then I went and had my yearly eye exam. Got the eyes dilated, and didn't bring with me a pair of sunglasses so drove around with those instant unfold plastic wrap mock sunglasses. Funny.
Then...I went to see my Oncologist and waited in the lobby for an hour to get in, and got my first Tumor marker test, and another chest x-ray. I am of coarse nervous, about the whole base line thing. I am nervous and afraid that my cancer will come back some day. You know, I am so young. I am only 34, so what if it does? That's the base fear, right? I can try to be in the present moment, and do that well. I really do. I found myself asking Kaplan all my questions, and then looked at him, and said, "Really, does any of this matter? REally? What I really want to say to you is, will my cancer ever come back, and will we catch it early, and will I live?" That is the core of it all. I am scared. I want to cry. And I do cry. I have a long life a head of me, and I just don't want to ever go through this again.
My body is starting to come alive again. For the first time since chemo, I have had to start bathing everyday because underarms are starting to say, Hey! We are here!! Not in an offensive way, but soon, I am sure I will need deoderant again. Kaplan said he they don't know why the body does all these strange things, but thumbs up that my body is starting to work again.
My house sit ends tomorrow, thank God!! Phew! I can't wait to be home and to dig my hands into my garden. This miserable spring is not helping my veggies grow. I desperately want to do a fast, and cleanse my body in a super serious way. But need to not do that. I know this. I need to wait to till I'm off all these drugs. Which is the same answer I got when I asked K when I can get my port out. I need to wait to get off the steroids. They inhibit healing.
I'll get my tumor marker tomorrow. Supposedly it will be my baseline. What if its high already? I was just a stage 1, so I calm myself down and tell myself my chances are super low. But then again, my chances were super low initially and I got it. Shit happens.
Which brings me to the obvious that we only grow in hard times. I've been thinking of this idea, and am not sure I agree to it yet. I have grown deeply in and with love, so not sure if I agree to this. I of coarse have never grown as deeply as I have this year. I was telling my cancer therapist today, that I need to bring my old self up to par with my new self, and I told her I was afraid I might forget all that I learned. She said that was impossible. I think she's right. How lucky am I that I got to learn all that I learned this year, at the age of 33 and 34? I am serious!