Welcome to THE CLUB YOU CAN'T BELONG TO

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The tender blossom

Again, I can't believe almost a week has gone by. My intentions are to write, but my priority right now is work. For all those months of laying around, I knew that this day would come, and because of that I am joyful for having a mind, a body, and a heart that innately likes to hum like a hummingbird. I have for the moment, allowed myself to work 10-13 hour days right now. My massage biz is slammed, and my real estate business is the busiest it has ever been. I can't complain about sales being made, with all the doom and gloom of the market around.
May was insane. I finished treatment, I've started coming to life, I've started to see my check bones again, my energy is starting to come back, i'm still on some meds~but we'll cross our fingers that my body is healing as it should, the list goes on and on. My heart is still wide open, and I cry a lot, but at appropriate times now : )
But come June, I have a few weekends off. That I am not compromising for anything. My survivor party/ritual will be the first weekend in June. I am really excited to stand in a circle of all the crucial people that have gotten me through this. It has taken a village to help me, to support me, and I want to look into all of my loved ones eyes and thank them. I am hoping for a lot of tears here. Which is perfect because its going to take place right on a beach, so their tears and mine, and all this icky stuff I've been through can flow to the ocean!
I'm excited to have 3 days off in a row, and hang out and play games with my family. No one knows it yet, and I dont have to worry about it, because my Dad doesn't read this~he can't handle it, and the few that do~shhhh don't say anything, Okay, I'm not going to say. But, I have some tricks and games up my sleeve, and its going to be fun.
So June is going to be more relaxing. I am hoping that this last taper off the steroids is healing to my body. I feel nervous to start running again, so I am going to listen to that nervousness and wait. My goal is June 1st. I've already started doing yoga and lifting some weights around the house, doing lunges, but nothing too much.
My mind is okay.
I learned some interesting cancer knowledge from my Aunt Barbara and my friend Shirley~both breast cancer survivors. They said that that tumor marker test, doc's don't worry about anything unless the number goes above 38. Now this is after treatment, the way they monitor if the doc's should look into doing scans, ect. It is not 100% accurate, and so its just one of the few tools they have.
Okay, so 38 and above sends off the red alert. But remember my number at diagnosis? It was 28. Now 8.8. So what my question to my Onc is going to be when I see him next on June 10, is if I was only a 28, that means that my cancer was really caught pretty damn early? And yes, I will add the word damn. Like hot damn! Like I can't freakin' believe it. This knowledge, if he reassures me that yes, it was caught very early, has and will until he answers my question, and then will continue to ride with me, will flick off my shoulder any demons that would like to harass me on a regular basis of the survivor question, "will I get it back."
The answer in the past without this info, would be a hope not, because I am a realist. I see the potential. But if this is true, then the answer will be hell no. The chances of a nothing cancer, living after the hell I just put my body through, is impossible in my mind.
On a happier note, I've always wanted to learn how to fly fish. And I am going to hear soon, if I got accepted into a Survivor Fly Fishing retreat at the Sun Mountain lodge soon. So lets all cross our fingers right this second for me, okay! Done! I'm sure I'll get in. I can't wait to wear the big hip boots, and be in the middle of the river, hopefully not falling down, learning to act like a fly.

No comments: