So what am I waiting for?

I have not been sleeping well the past week or so. I've been staying up really late and then waking in the wee hours and then every hour until I just get out of bed. I think the waking early part is due to the wonderful fact that it is now summer and light and bright and the birds are chirping by 5:15.
I told a friend the other day a story that I don't know if yet I believe, but seems that it is true at least right now, this second it is. And I do not yet know how I feel about it. Wether it is a good or a bad thing. It might just be one of those things that can sit in a place of "just is" and not have judgement from the various girls running around in my head.
Its that I am finding that the trust or the assuredness I once had is gone. The trust that anything is going to be there forever is gone, the trust that at any moment my life could change and never be the same is my reality now. If I told my Dad this I think he would be sad, and might even cry about it. So I won't tell him. I think he would be sad that I have had to let go of possibly one of the last youthful ways of being in this world. Mmm..I just read what I wrote and its not encompassing how deeply changed I feel. The reason I question and should explore this w/ my cancer therapist is that its coming from a place of rawness. The moment that my life was shattered and brokenness. I need to think about this more and get back to you. To me about this.
I trust inherently in everything, I just can't count on anything anymore. Maybe My Planner is having a hard time with this and that is what is feeling wrong.
This trust thing is also still coming up in my body. Like trusting that my body can carry me on a run. If the doc's are all saying go for it, why don't I? It is because I am finally getting healthy, I don't hurt, I've lost almost all my weight (now 141.5~ just 6 more to go to be back to pre-cancer) , and I am petrified of going back words. I am afraid I will have another flare up, and be back on tons of steroids and that whole nightmarish sequence of happenings. I think the older woman in me has learned to take it slow and the younger woman in my is saying, "what? What's slow?" The older woman is winning out and I would like to start trusting in my body again. This is the root of the whole trusting thing up above here, in the above paragraph. It the fact that my body failed me, it didn't fight off the cancer, and I got "IT" and that sucked.
Yes, Yes, I know that my body did really good at getting me through the treatment, but it didn't really. It behaved like a child, it went kicking and screaming and threw a fit at every bend. I had a rough go during treatment, so tough that I do not recommend newbies to read my blog before they start their journey because I don't want them to get freaked out.
I have a lot of grieving to do with this. And most importantly I don't know what to do about it. It reminds me of a lesson my Dad taught us kids over and over about trust when we were young. Whenever we did something that was bad and wrong when we were little my Dad would say, "I still love you, nothing can take my love away from you. But I don't trust you as much as I did, and you have to earn my trust back. (this would be met with huge tears from either of us kids) and then he would say again how much he loved us."
Well, that is what I feel like I am saying to my body. Yes, I sure would love to trust that I can start exercising like a feigned but I am scared. My body has built up a level of trust that it is now healthy again, but in the back of my mind, the pain of pericarditis is screaming very loudly, beeeeeeeee caaaarrreeeefuuuulllllll!!!!! Go slow!
So I leave tonight for Eugene and I am bringing my running shoes. I am hosting my sis's baby shower on Saturday. Friday is going to be spent cleaning, decorating, and cooking. I'll go for a run, and then see how I feel for a few days. That is safe. That is smart.
Trust. Its in everything right now. Opening to it, and trusting that, well you can fill in the blank. Its everything. What cancer taught me is to let go of expectations, in everything as well. So how do trust and expectations dance together? I don't know. How can one fully trust without expecting a certain behaviour or act. The tree expects that in the spring its branches will bud, in the summer that it will have leaves, in the fall that the leaves will fall to the ground, and in the winter that the leaves will decompose and nourish the trees roots. This is okay. If we saw a tree in summer lose all its leaves we would say that that tree is sick. There is something wrong. Its okay to expect that there will be leaves on trees in the summer. Its okay to have expectations, I guess it boils down to accepting. And this is the other lesson cancer taught me. Is that you have to accept that there are going to be lots of deviations in life, and that is okay. Accept things for what they are, even if I did plan to have a picnic under that tree in the middle of summer and I was expecting..you get the idea.
It all boils down to this. Very simple simple fact. I am scared. I am scared to be in pain again, I am scared to trust my body again, but I am hopeful and all the doc's are saying go for it. So, what am I waiting for?