I'm feeling sad

You know I just want to start living my life. My old life. My old carefree fly by the seat of my pants life. I am pretending to do that now. My days are slammed with work, from morning till late at night. Forget that go slow business and take care of Heather reality I was painting to you, to me a month ago. Now, its full throttle into oblivion, and my heart's hurting again. No wonder. I'm in the beginning stages of divorcing a letter I said I would not mention here anymore, but it is before the letter E, and my heart hurts sortof because of that. But mainly before that, for years really, I'm talking on an emotional level now.

But on a physical, hurt like hell pain now, yes! I am sick of my heart or lungs, or guts, whatever it is. Today I started to panick that maybe its tiny amounts of cancer, since this is what my Old Cardio has been saying could be a cause ***what a dumb butt for saying that to me! I mean really!! What doc fills a new cancer survivor with that kind of crap!*** But really, I know that I don't have cancer in my chest, and its just inflammed, again, yes! AGAIN! I am so over it.
I have just ignored it this past week. I have just taken the steroids, and put the little bandage over the problem because I am leaving for my hippy vacation, The Oregon Country Faire, and I want to have fun, and just let go, and not think about hearts, and cancer, and aches, and steroids, and chemopause, and freakin' hot flashes.
But then yesterday, my heart started to hurt again, a little achy, and I was happy to know, not happy, I was relieved knowing that I was going to see my cardio today. Because I cancelled my appointment I had with him on Monday, a few hours before I was supposed to be there, because I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO GO! I wanted to skip school, and play hookie. I realize that I was only hurting myself, but the reality is is that he doesn't know what to do with me, and its a waste of my time.
So I skipped MOnday and rescheudled for today. He was late, he had to take on a surgery and it went late, and I didn't want to sit and wait, so I left. He called me and apologized and asked how I was. I explained and he then said, "well, lets put you on a low dose of steroids for 3 months." That didn't go over so well, and I told him so. I don't want to get fat again. I just lost 10 pounds this past month, and am so close to getting back into my old clothes, and I am almost able to see my cheekbones again, and NO! Not for 3 months. He was so easily swayed, and caved and said, "okay, a month."
Because he caved, I realized that indeed he is simply guessing, and I am sick of being his guessing project. So now, I don't feel bad at all for breaking up with him and seeing the other Cardio's tomorrow.
I will check in here afterwards. I am hopeful that they will be able to tell me what is going on.

I am sad that I am on all this crap.

I need to write about so much here. Like today, I massaged a woman that is 40, she just had her BC come back after 6 yrs. That was an experience. I need to talk about it. Will later. I am fragmented right now. Steroids are not helping with this. I feel like I am all over the map. I need to go to a yoga retreat and do nothing. I need a beach.