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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

2nd follow up

I'm starting to get a little nervous for my oncology appointment tomorrow. Its been over two months since I saw Dr. K. I know I have nothing to worry about. I really do know this. But as I write those words I think, bullshit. I really have no idea. There sure can be a lot of hope and a lot of hippie "good" thoughts but really, who knows.
I've been listening to what I say to people lately. How it is that I talk about cancer or dying or living. The thing that I hear myself saying the past few weeks over and over, is basically. You know, I have and you have no idea when our time has come. And I can hope that I stay cancer free, and live a long life. Because I want to grow old. I want to have a family. I want to teach my kids how to ride a bike and push them on a swing and laugh with them and cuddle with them and dance with them. But, maybe I'll die soon. Maybe I could die. Yes, I will she says. Someday I will die.
What's up with all the fear around dying. What's so UN-P.C. about freaking acknowledging this basic freakin' fact. I am, I will repeat, I AM going to die. Someday. Some Day. One Day. One moment. One second, I will take my last breath. We all will, so what's wrong with stating the fact.
Well because we live in a society that beauty reins and botox keeps old age puffed to its preened state. I hope I get to live a long life. But I get to dance with the beauty of the fact that I could go to my Onc's, in a year, or as the case could be, tomorrow, and my cancer numbers could be high and I could start this whole damn process over again. I have enjoyed the past month taking a break from writing and thinking about this. Not that I don't think, because I do, constantly. Its more thought of when I speak to others about my process at the moment. So, yes, I go to my Onc's office for my bi-monthly check up.
My little hiatus is over and I've pushed "cancer" into the corner in the top floor of a twelve story building and I have had to go up there and get the little bundle and walk back to the main floor with it. I am just about to begin the process of sitting in my little beach cabin I've rented on Vashon, starting September 1st and reading my entire blog from beginning to end. I think there will be a huge box of kleenex and my computer to get me through.
I can't wait to start writing my book and finishing my healing process in this way.

So....tomorrow...9:20 in the AM I go in. Get the port flushed, for the last time as mid-September I get it removed. I've asked my friend Tamara to come and be with me. Hopefully I don't get too sick from the operation meds and we can watch the first season of True Blood. I am excited.
But back to tomorrow, I am not looking forward to the flushing of the port, smelling all those icky smells. A friend asked me where on Madison the cancer institute is. I told him, Madison and Disgusting. hahaha! It grosses me out driving by it. I am going to run to my appointment tomorrow and then run home. I am excited. I have moved to Madrona, so from my house its 2.4 miles. I am excited. I can run there and back. I have been running every day for a few weeks now and have started lifting weights as well. I canNOT WAIT to have a hard body and feel my body's strength as I walk and play again.

1 comment:

apriljahns said...

I hope you get a good report.