Welcome to THE CLUB YOU CAN'T BELONG TO

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Exploding Love

I have always been a high energy girl! Like those of you know that have read this blog from the get-go, I never crawled and at 7 months I just got up and started running, and screaming of coarse! I'm still really vocal, and still full of energy. But not like the past few months. I'm not sleeping very well at all. I toss and turn and finally get out of bed in the middle of the morning. Thank God for my new addiction, FaceBook. I would described myself, and did to my Onc the other day as maniacally enjoying life. He said, " how about taking sleeping pills a few nights a week." I balked at that idea, but honestly its starting to sound appealing. I told him that I am taking 1/2 a one every few weeks just to get one night of solid sleep. He said he doesn't think I can keep going at the pace that I am, without sleep. That makes sense. No one could go for very long, even if they were a coach potato with the amount of sleep I am getting.
What wakes me is my little hummingbird just whirling inside of my chest and I find myself wanting to jump up and down on my bed with sheer delight! YOU GUYS!! I AM BACK, AND I'M FEELING AWESOME!!! This is possibly one of the most exciting times in my life. When I was married, I shut out all but a select few of my girl friends, and this summer being as my friend Emily always sings to me over the years when I am single, "free and single, she likes to mingle, she lovveess the part-y liiiffeee." Its true. Cancer, forced me to open my heart to all of my friends again, and now that i am all done, and single, they are all still rallied around me and I don't have a spare moment without one of them loving me up! So I get to love back, and be loved, and I couldn't be happier.
I find myself driving down the road and I start crying (a manic sign....who knows-maybe its a coming to life sign) because I am simply exploding with love.
I have not called (because I've been having too much fun) Dr. K's office to get my tumor marker numbers. They are of coarse good, other wise he would've called me. I have it in my to do on Monday, so that I can keep track of my numbers.
I told Dr. K that he should not refer anymore patients to the dip whit cardiologists I had been seeing. I told him my new one rocked, he agreed. He asked my what about her I liked, and I made him laugh out loud when I said, " You know, all the cardio's I had seen were just guessing, and telling me they were guessing. With her, even if she didn't know what to do, and even if she is guessing, she didn't tell me that. She allowed me to feel safe, and that I was in competent hands."
Which leads me into the thought I've (one of many-one reason I don't sleep) been having. There was a study done years ago, with children with cancer. The study did a visualization with the kids while they were getting their chemo that Pack-men were eating up their cancer. And then every night their parents would lead them through the same visualization. The kids that had this done, survived 50% more than the other kids.
Which made me think about how dip-whit cardio, who will not be mentioned kept telling me he had no idea how to treat me, and "this is where art and medicine come together", and a slew of ridiculous stuff. He freaked me out. He made me not be able to trust my body. I tried really hard. But honestly I felt like I was a walking time bomb.
Visualization is an awesome thing. And I just live my life like that. I always have. I think it started with sports. The night before a game, I'd visualize me playing, ect..It works. It does. Its time for me to start having faith in something again. This is kind of one of the hardest things for me right now. I am a deeply spiritual person. But this foundation of mine got shattered. I still believe everything I did, before cancer. But now, I also see that possibly all the faith and visualization in the world, still doesn't change one's Karmic path, or ones whatever. However, we as humans use words to make it okay to go through tough times.
The other hard thing is vanity. It was NOT hard losing my hair. When I did, I was in the beginning of a race, and I knew what was a head. I knew I had to let go of everything. But now, that I am done. Now, that I am starting to run again, and exercise, and laugh, and feel awesome, I want my long hair back. I am actually loving that its growing. But at the sametime, hating how short it is. And it is SUPER, SUPER curly. Its those chemo curls!
I'll leave you all with an exploding love for life, and go out there and do something fantastic just for you, today!

No comments: