Welcome to THE CLUB YOU CAN'T BELONG TO

Monday, August 24, 2009

Summer meanderings

It’s been a while since I wrote in here. I have been living life. Living again. At times it feels that this past year didn’t even happen. This morning marks the second day that I have gone for a run. I have lost almost all my chemo weight, just five more pounds to go. My hair is growing, at a snails pace. I am in between being about to use a palmade and a more viscusy hair product.
I was looking in the mirror this morning and saw my port. Its kindof one of the last things that I need to do to be done with all this. There is a safety in having it there. It kindof feels like an implanted security blanket to me. My friend. I can’t believe that I became so close to it. I can’t believe what it did for me. I wonder if my surgeon will allow me to keep it. I set the date for removal for Friday of labor day, and then realized its labor day weekend, and must cancel. I am going to have entirely too much fun, fun doing what I have no idea, but I don’t want to be laid up in bed for one of the last summery weekends in Seattle.
Figuring out who to ask to come and be with me for the removal and post-operation is a biggie. It is a milestone and a marker for me. One of the reasons I haven’t been writing is that my sis, just had a baby boy. I made it down to Eugene just as they were checking into the hospital, so blessedly I got to attend the entire birth. I felt like I was team captain, alongside the doula, and my sis's husband. I am so proud of her for digging deep and finding the strength to have a natural child birth. She rallied with all the ancient mamma energy and wisdom and was able to birth, our little tiger, Nolan.
There has been less grieving and more just maniacally enjoying life. I’ve been working really hard and playing really hard. Like my friend Gen said to me yesterday when I told her I slept just 3 hours. She said you are being manic but your just living life again. And I will go back to not being manic, because I wasn’t before. But right now, I am just so incredibly full of life. Its beautiful. And full of angst as well.
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A week or so later..
I have run now 8 days in a row, and I am happy to report that MY HEART AND LUNGS ARE SERIOUSLY HAPPY!!! I am so thrilled. I am slowly starting to trust my body again. There is just a tiny little devil on my shoulder saying, "hope you don't have to go backwards and go on steroids again." I don't think I will.
I have just had a week of visitors and last night two more came into town. I am having a great time.

I am going to visit my friend Keiko for labor day down in the bay area. I'm hoping we can go play in the ocean a little, and party like its 1969. I have had a few drinks, which did not do me well. Hysterically, I found myself pucking in an alley in Seattle a few weeks ago. I said out loud to myself, "This is not loving myself, Heather!" I did go a little over board, for me just a few measly drinks! Regardless..

THis is a potent time. I have just birthed a new me, and I need to be careful with whom I allow into my energetic force field right now. I get to be discerning on who gets to walk this magickal road with me. So far, its old friends that are helping me to remember that Yes! Life is full of living and loving, and each day, I am learning how to integrate all my new wisdom into the "living Heather".

I don't feel like writing here as much, not feeling like making things fluffy and fun to read. I have been sitting for the past month and praying about how to write my book. What angle to come in at. I have finally figured it out. I am excited to start writing, but have given myself until Sept 1, to play hard and then I am going to start.

3 comments:

yvonnecas said...

I have to say that I have missed reading about your experiences and emotions, but I am so happy that you have been too busy enjoying and "living" life to write. Although we don't see each other, you mean a WHOLE lot to me Heather!

Emily said...

Heather!

This post has the biggest smile on my face. I'm so glad to hear that you were out enjoying yourself during that little hiatus, and congratulations on your nephew's arrival!

Fantastic job getting out there and running, you know that's a big one for me. Remember - your skeleton needs time to get used to it too, so be sure to listen to any aches (sorry, I can't help it!)

Em

apriljahns said...

It was great to read about you living life. I'm happy that you get to enjoy this summer!