Welcome to THE CLUB YOU CAN'T BELONG TO

Saturday, October 24, 2009

CFR~



As I sit here, trying to find the starting part, a flood of images and thoughts rush past my eyes. I guess I'll start with the homework assignment. Each participant is required to draw, or what have you, something on a square cloth that will be made into a quilt of our class. I wrote a poem of coarse and it read:

A common thread
tied into
A common knot

Well, today I learned how to cast my rod in a various of ways. I learned about knot tying. I made a few bugs/flies. Really cool ones that made me scream out, "Its a caterpillar!" I am the youngest one here, by far. That sucks shit. I hate it. It makes me angry, I say with tears streaming down my eyes. There are lots of moms here, there are grandmothers here, there are woman that have lived a life that are here. I have lived a life. But not as long as them. I want to be a mom super badly. And hearing them talk/complain about their hot flashes, they are able to laugh about it. I can laugh about mine. But its not the same when a guy I am dating says to me as I am repeatedly taking on and off a sweatshirt, "what, are you in menopause?" When, the joke is not a joke. And I say yes. I want to cry when that happens. And I do sometimes. Because menopause to me, could possibly mean the end of a life long dream. I never dreamed about my wedding dress. EVER. Even the owner of Cicada, Elizabeth who is a friend and who is the one who made my dress for me realized when I could not figure out what I wanted the darn dress to look like. Because frankly, I just wanted to look hot. I didn't really care, never thought about it. But having kids. Being pregnant. Doing the ritual to ask the spirit to come into me. GIving birth. Breast feeding. Comforting my child when sick. Teaching my child how to ride a bike. Making cupcakes. The whole thing. Every second of every possiblity of being a mom, I HAVE THOUGHT AND YEARNED ABOUT IT, MY WHOLE, LIFE. And I am going to add a Goddamnit at the end of that sentence. So, to hear woman talking about their menopause, here its a bit different for me.
But, it is still a common thread.
The day before I left to come here, I made an appointment with a well known acupuncturist that has good results for woman in bringing back their moon. It is my first very, very brave step in not ignoring the fact that I have not bled in months and months. I miss it. I miss doing ritual with my blood. I miss my blood.
I am loving this retreat. There is something to be said about being around a group of people that have had or are in the midst of a life changing profound nightmare. I am understood. There is grace. There are common words, common feelings, common lessons, common everything. A sense of belonging does not exist, but simply a depth of compassion that is hard pressed to find outside of the commonality. I will say though, that I have been incredibly blessed to have a handful of friends and a sister that does get it. That has understood me. And have held my hand, and my tears and my fears as they have over filled my cup and carried me away down stream to a place I never dreamt or imagined I'd be.
I love each of the woman here. I have had a super fun day learning with them. I have met knew friends and am really enjoying the fact that we all have a common thread.
Tonight there was a circle with the groups counselor. She would pose a question like, How does your family deal with pain? Or how did your family and friends react when you told them? Or, how has sex changed since your diagnosis? All questions that allowed each of us to share, and to bawl.
I am realizing that there are parts of me that are still in shock. I just can hardly believe it. And then again, I can totally believe it.

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