Tools of the Trade

Okay, everything is going to be fine..I'll just blurt that out first because I know you all are wondering. And then I can explain. haha!

As I was driving to my appointment today Tamara said, "What were your tumor markers?" Well...I'd been putting off finding them out because at the end of the day, finding out before I got the surgery was going to either bring a HUGE smile to my face or freak me out even more. I was with T, so I called and found out the very awesome news that they were the lowest they've been since this whole ordeal started, a whopping 11.5. Just to give you an idea I was a 28 at diagnosis. And doc's don't really look at anything over 30 something when doing these counts, but would notice if mine were going up and up, closer to the 28 numba. But mine, are low right now, and that makes me super super super happy. Inside. Somewhere. The little hippie girl, the little girl that likes to jump rope and sing songs, the little girl in me that likes to hide behind a corner and jump out and scare my sister, that girl...was jumping up and down today when I heard that news.
But the athlete in me, the soldier in me, well she said to that happy girl, "chill out. its just a tool. A tool that can have false positives."
So...I became both girls grinning and saying to Tamara, "Its good, its good, but I can't get too excited." Just like Clarfeld, the Rock Star surgeon said to me today. These are all tools. The tumor marker test, the MRI, the yadda yadda....this and that. I get to be monitored with all these great technological tools and then, its my job to notice a change. Which I did. Which I noticed and that is why I am set for surgery for this friday. My friend Maryam is bringing me, and my friend Keiko is flying in and will be with me when I wake up. I really want my sis to be there, but that all changed when I found out I will not be getting the test results until Wed, possibly Tuesday. No need for her to be there, until then. And really, if it is cancer, which I doubt highly in this moment, then...she'll come....with NOLAN!!!!!!! How is it that I love my nephew more than her? Like he is this extension of her that is my most favoritest thing in the entire world and galaxy. Smile..smile..

I cancelled my appointments tonight, and am reflecting on this mile stone. I am learning how to be a survivor. This is huge. I am proud of myself, I say laughing full of a few measly sips of Rose, and am already giggling drunk. I am happy in this moment, I am full in this moment, I have so many friends that I love so incredibly deeply, and I am excited that this is one of those stones that I get to plant in the ground and look back someday in the near future and say to myself, "Wow! That was super scary, and look at how I dealt with that. Look at all the friends that lifted you up in your time of despair." I also cannot wait to be whole again, and turn and give all this energy, all this spastic love for life that I have with all my Survivor wisdom and give it to the newly diagnosed ones, and hold them in their despair and look them boldly in the eye, and say, " You my Love, will get through this."

I am victorious in spirit, bold in my moment, and blissed out in love.