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Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Contemplating Sources

I have enjoyed the soul searching of various forms of therapy since I was five. I love looking at myself, in deep ways. I highly suggest for you Survivors out there, to find a top notch Cancer specializing therapist. I find Janet Abrams is a huge source for me. She understands all the medications, all the emotional ups and downs, the fear, the joy, she can hear everything I say, and get it.
What I talked to her about last time is the walking on eggshells around myself that I have been feeling. How I find myself unable to cope with multi-tasking and dealing with life all at the same time since I got cancer. My plate feels full, and I long to be back in the game of life. Don't get me wrong, before cancer, my Dad said regularly to me, "There is no need to stress over it Heather, stressing over it will not change the outcome." Wise words, that I knew would sink in later in life. Like a lot later. Like, as an old lady...a lady in my 60's. A wink, and a hug to those of you at this glorious age ( I now wish, and hope I make it to that age).
So, I got cancer. And lived in the present moment, and got finally what my Dad said. I had to know live my life like that. Do not stress over anything. What will be, will be. I am not a God believer. So, to me, trusting that God will would be done. And even if I was a believer in The One Way, I would not believe God's will would be to have my immune system, that dreaded day be overtaken by cancer.
Okay...so where was I? Oh, yes...back in the present moment. So, here I am presently filled with the now known understanding and fully integrated new way of living of living in the present and taking life as it may. And find myself struggling over how to be done with cancer, how to get a divorce and move gracefully through it, how to be single, how to buy a car, how to do it all on my own, how to run a successful real estate business, and how to run a successful massage practice. There is a lot of juggling that takes place. My massage practice is in peoples homes. So I drive around all day, and in between appointments I am seeing my real estate clients, and or talking to them on the phone. Real estate on its on is incredibly stress provoking. And then I find myself working until 10 or 11 at night again, and look at myself and say, "Now Heather, this is not taking care of yourself." I get that, really I do now.
Besides cancer, besides my health, I am still Heather. And Heather, loves to work. Heather, loves to work and be busy, and I love everyone so much. What more is there than a life of service. Well, that is until I get to be a Mom, and serve them (a blessed day indeed).
I'm straying again. In therapy I looked at my stress and why is it, that when I see a simple text message or get a call, or hear my sister mention something, or how at any moment I find myself not being able to deal? I literally, have freak out inside, and start the process of calming myself back down. ( I have learned how to do this, at least).
I kept picking up my phone during the therapy session, unbeknownst to me, whenever I said the word, STRESS. And finally, I said Why is it that I keep picking this thing up? And then, I had my Ahhh-Hhhaaaa moment. My mind went back to that day, to that phone call. To those words.
Heather, you do have cancer. You need to come down here right now.
Oh, right. And then, I had everything go wrong, and then more during my treatment.
All the worst case scenarios were MY LIFE. For the first time in my life.
I have grown, in the past year and a half, to expect the worst. That the worst case scenario is what very well may happen, and I have been living with that. I have been living on Eggshells since June 2, 2008. That is along time.
Oh. Right. That is the root.
Now that I recognize this, I can heal it.

2 comments:

tamara said...
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