Darker thoughts

I have been grappling on wether or not to post a few things, but I've decided to do so since my cancer therapy. Please do not write me and be worried. I write these thoughts mainly for you other cancer survivors out there. For you to read my darker thoughts, and so that you feel that you are not on this road alone. Kind of like new mothers, how I always support them talking about their despair they feel usually because of the surge of hormones. I think if more people shared their real thoughts and feelings, we would all feel more connected.

I must preface this with: I do not have an eating disorder, nor will I ever.

One of my first visits with my Onc he asked me a few questions, and one that I thought was very odd that made a lot of sense especially being done now, is, "Have you ever had an eating disorder?" I of coarse said no. Another thought that comes to my mind in explaining what I am about to is, that during treatment I remember some Survivor writing me and saying, "If only they'd told us everything that would happen to us during treatment." Well, yes and no. It is totally not possible to tell a newbie what will be encountered because no one know how their body is going to react. But they do know that breast cancer treatment does add on pounds. I also remember a very dear friend told me at lunch during my second chemo, " You will gain 40 pounds, probably." I thought, yeah...right! Me? No, way! Well, Hell Yes, that did happen. Not because I was eating tons of food. Not the case at all. I don't really know, and maybe I will ask next appointment, but really it doesn't matter. I think it was a lot of fluid, for those of you that remember the months and months of pericarditis and pleural effusion.
I still remember last birthday, I had finished chemo December 31st, (hard to believe almost a year now. That makes me cry because I still feel there, in so many ways) and I had to wait two weeks to get my white cell counts up so that I could eat Sushi! I went for my birthday, January 13th, and by the end of the meal I could not stand up easily at all, because my legs had swollen so badly I could NOT bend my knees. My Oncologist did not catch on with this, even though it was a clue, of the pain I was soon to be in with pericarditis. Remember Survivors, they are just doctors practicing medicine, you are in Charge of Your Body.

Alright, so I'll stop reminiscing, and just say it. For months, as I lost the weight, and started exercising, I have been teetering on a tight rope of wanting to starve myself. I of coarse will not do that. But it is there. Very silently, but there all the same. Like I just have a few more pounds to loose now, and then I'll be back to my pre-cancer weight of 136. It does not help at all when people say, "you look great, you don't need to lose anymore weight." It only makes me angry inside, because I KNOW MY BODY. And I want it back. Okay, I said it. Publicly. I said it to my cancer therapist first. She understood. Done.

The other interesting thing, is being a Triple Negative Breast Cancer Survivor, I don't have the other medicines after treatment that other Survivors have. I have my diet to be attentive of, and exercise. Both of which I feel I was good before cancer. But know, its stepped up a wee bit more in the exercise department. I am now up to four miles every other day, with running. I am hoping to start running longer distances within the year. I am excited for this new change.

The other dark thing I've noticed that I only do for myself in kindof a manic way, is take TONS of photos. My friend a few weeks ago, looked through my photos on my phone and remarked, "You take photos of everything." Well, cancer changed this for me. I want to "document" my life now more than ever. I guess in a way pictures validate what I do, what I see, how I felt at that moment, or what simply puts me in awe, like spider eggs hatching. Deep down, I take all these photos, so that if I do get my cancer back, my sister and super close friends can see what touched my soul. Then they can have those photos of my life, to look at and smile. This is incredibly dark, I realize. But again, here it is.

I like this last new change, I am not so keen on the food thing. The food thing is hard. My body became out of control and I had no control wether or not I gained that weight. Now I do have control, and I just have to be gentle with myself.