Welcome to THE CLUB YOU CAN'T BELONG TO
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
There is a sense of...I have worried them all so much and talked to them what feels like to me, till they are all cancer blue in the face, and I just don't want to worry any of them. Its been easier to just talk to my cancer therapist about it (she's very concerned and is the reason I sit here today) and just let everyone go back to living their little lives. My life has gone back to a near normal. But it hasn't arrived yet to my New Normal. I am still figuring it all out.
The other thing we are keeping an eye on are my hormone levels. They were very, very, very low six months ago..low as in there is no way you will come out of menopause...but miracles do happen. To starting my moon, and the numbers coming up ever so slightly to my Onc saying, "maybe you are just doing a sporadic sloughing, and still kid...don't get your hopes up." To, know this past month, I've had two moons, and I think last time I was a little nutty. Maybe. I have NEVER in my life gotten nutty with hormones, but maybe my body just got inundated with them and my counts are way up. I am trying to not get hopeful, and excited about this. We will see. What I do know, is that I am living life to the freaking fullest. There has not been one missed opportunity to have fun. I have started opening my heart and falling in love with a dear tender soul, and that feels good and scary and beautiful.
Life is full. Excited to have my Onc walk in and give him a hug. I can feel the tears already.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
May flowers bring me one year and eleven months from the day I was initially diagnosed. I wrote this posting days ago. I have been sitting with it, making sure it is something I am really ready to do. My dear friend asked me the other day, " are you sad in your decision? I said no." But as I write here, I feel sad. But the sadness is not in the letting go, but in all that I have gone through. I am ready to start placing my energy on going moving forward and writing my book, and living life.
***My friends keep texting me and saying, You are a Marathoner. Wow! I am. I did it. I never let myself think about the whole 26 miles. I didn’t want to psyche myself out. I must say, that I think I could run a fifty mile, ultra-marathon now. With proper training of coarse. But for sure, I am already signed up for another marathon, and my new goal is to run four marathons a year.
I made a little Picasa web album with comments so that you all could see the beautiful place I ended all of this. I cannot think of a more triumphant ending. I was diagnosed at 33, went through fertility treatments, eleven chemo’s, and 33 radiations, on top of experiencing all the wonderful side effects that seemed to be ever present with each bend in the road, and then ending treatment I filed for divorce.
I got knocked down over and over and over. I learned how to not let that take anything away from me. Instead, I learned to surrender to all the twists and challenges and embrace them. I hope my blog will continue to help you woman and men out there that feel alone on your journey of cancer. Whether it is your journey, your sisters journey, or your wife’s journey. My prayer is that my words bring peace into your lives.
I often wrote thinking of some young woman in a little town in South Dakota with no support around her. I wrote to comfort you, to comfort me, and to comfort our families. I am totally done writing here, with the exceptions of posting updates of events I will be speaking at and creating. I am ready to start writing and being there again for the woman on the Triple Negative Breast Cancer Foundations website. This site was one of the most helpful, loving, supportive, and real places I could bring all of my emotions, all of my thoughts, and not be judged.
There will be a new chapter in my life, but first I must close this book, and regroup in the life that I now have worked so hard to be a part of. My life has come to that joyous place that Survivors ahead of me said would come, “Heather, some day you will go a day without thinking of breast cancer. You will have a life back. You will have a new normal, but normal you will have again..I promise.”
Thank you all for your love, for following my journey, and I look forward to hearing from you. Please continue passing this blog onto anyone you think that it will bring comfort, peace, and healing to.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I of coarse went armed with my blog cards, so I could hand them out to the various woman I started talking to. I met a young mother, about my age who had found her lump in the past month. I listened to her, tried to not say too much, because I didn't want to freak her out. Remembering full well, how I felt that first day. The day, I went there alone because I didn't think it was a big deal. I was just going to get my ultrasound and mammogram and be on my merry little way. That life, is gone. Or better yet, that girl was just that. A girl. I grew up pretty quick the past couple of years.
Once I got into the mammogram room, the tech started her litany of questions. I was okay to answer the first bazillion, but I snapped finally when she asked, "Does breast cancer run in your family." I refused to answer the question. Telling her look, I know your just doing your job. You don't need to know all these answers. What is this questionaire for anyways? To stick in some folder? The question, for a young woman should be is it Genetic. That is what the insurance companies should be paying for, so that you know the answer, and don't have to ask. There is no rhyme or reason for my cancer, and no..it does not run in my family, nor is it genetic. (remember, I could have been the first in my family to start producing the BRCA 1 or 2, gene)...
I told her, I didn't even want to be in there anyways. I understand that mammo's show the calcifications, great. It didn't show my cancer. I get really upset every time I have to be forced to go have one. The test isn't even FOR younger women. It is FOR older women.
She agreed with all of this. Why don't they figure out some techy savvy tool/machine that CAN detect breast cancer through dense young women's tissue? The only reason I have to be there is for insurance purposes. To run through the little rat maze as all the other women.
I did start to laugh and joke with her, after that. I apologized and told her how emotional this test is for me. I just have not come to a place of forgiving it. It let me down, and I see no need for it at all. At all.
At one point, I laughed with her because it seemed as if I was doing yoga to get my boob pressed into the machine (which doesn't hurt for me at all) and told her I needed to go see my chiropractor after getingt the mammo. I was serious. :)
I then went over to the MRI place. The machine is so loud that they give you ear plugs. I actually fell asleep in there...I guess I am used to it after the bazillionth time through the egg like metal clashing sounding machine.
Tonight I took for fun an enneagram test online. It said I was either a 1, 2, 3, or an 8. I read through them all, and they all fit in a few ways. None of them fit me perfectly. I realized how much I've learned and grown in the past few years. How much cancer has taught me. Issues I thought I was never going to be able to work through with various therapists, had to be worked through with cancer. All the growth stemmed down to surrender, loving myself deeper, loving others deeper, simply loving with surrender and an open palm...me, you, anyone. Seeing how fragile we all are. How fragile life is.
It didn't surprise me that I wasn't pegged as "a type" because I have not settled down into a patterned way of self yet. I hope I don't. I pray that living in the present moment does not go away, and life continues to grow and stretch, and not be One thing.
Living in the present moment does not work, if you actually LIVE in this world though. And I am starting to live once again, and I am starting to plan things now. When I was first done, making plans for that week was incredibly hard for me. Which was so foreign to the "pre-cancer, Heather". Now, I am planning for my marathon in Big Sur, at the end of April, that is as far out as I feel comfortable with.
I made reservations at the headquarters, in Monterey. I guess that's good. Its hard to think of not being in Big Sur proper, but all the racers will be staying in Monterey, the dinners will be there, the pre-race events. My friend Jenn, is planning post event stuff, and that helps. Thanks Jenn. Planning is simply too much for me right now. That far ahead at least.
I am super good with the weekly planning. I even have my weekly marathon training chalkboard up in my apartment now. Each week, each days schedule mapped out, with inspiring quotes to myself.
I took today off, and I made a promise to myself today. Until I am done with all these six month check ups, I am going to take those days off, and take a day to do whatever I want. I'm staying on my Uncles boat tonight. I sat and played on my computer all night, read, did a little yoga, he made me a yummy dinner, and now I am being lulled to a quieter place within myself by the gentle, almost unnoticeable rocking of the boat.
I'm going to send the tech a little thank you, card tomorrow. Tell her how much I appreciated her listening to me. I have some sadness to work through with that damn mammogram in my cancer therapy still. I think some tears still need to spill.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
So...I got caught. I called my stellar oncology doc and the awesome team there scheduled everything for me and then made all the calls to the MRI folks. I realized how lucky I was today, when I spoke with a newbie. She is a cherished mother of dear friends of mine. It was a big day on Survivor land.
I spoke with her, with not a stretch for my heart, at all. I felt empowered and full of just the right things for her. I realized when speaking with her, how I was able to give my treatment to Dr. K. I let him be in charge of getting me through, so that I could just be with myself. My job, my only job was to get better, to take care of Heather. I did a good job. I sure did have some growing pains. I laugh out loud to myself thinking of them. LIke the time that I walked all the way down to the beach, down a very steep long hill, barely able to see, walking into branches, and then having to call D to come and pick me up. Totally deflated that I couldn't walk home. I learned about limits. I learned that I needed to not be such an athlete all the time. I learned I didn't have to prove anything to myself. It was okay to be vulnerable. To be true. To be in the present moment, and to listen to my body.
These lessons are helping me succeed and to now push my machine into marathon shape.
Okay, back to the survivors today. So that was this afternoon that I spoke with her. But this morning, one of the only woman that is my age, and is a dynamite kick ass power house, who by the way is a Triple Negative Stage 1 too, told me today that she found a new lump while she was in class. Fuck! I had that scare, we both reminded each other of that. BUt you know what? We share the knowing of what it is like. There is the club, that I hope to God none of you have to belong to..but we understand down to a cellular level of what she is going through right now. I'm feeling for you, E. Hugs.
Okay, so tomorrow. The mammo that I didn't get out of, and the MRI. I always get sick from the toxic stuff the put in you. I have to run eight miles tomorrow, so I might run from my part of town, which is Queen Anne to First Hill. You know what rocks, is that I am not super scared (well, the past few days I have not been sleeping again...so maybe I am), and I am running there. I feel strong. Last Saturday I ran sixteen miles in two hours and fifty-three minutes. I loved it, and when I wasn't loving it, I thought about my life, and how lucky I am to be alive and happy. Truly happy. Tomorrow isn't here yet, so I am going to relax and try to get some sleep.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Those words say it all. And that is what my sign will say.
*uck Cancer....is at the core of it. Is what pushes me when I am hurting and tired. I push through and think of my pain, of what I have gone through. So yes, *uck Cancer...but I don't want to run through that. I want to run through the idea that this is nothing. That cancer couldn't stop me, and nothing can.. I will continue living, and pushing forward...
Hell Yes! JEN HOFFMANN...Survivor that keeps living, in Memory. I will be running through CANCER SCHMANCER.....Thank you.
Jen said in her blog: 8/12/2007::::
Jenn Glickman March 7 at 10:12pm
Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose...
Sunday, August 12, 2007 by ShawnieMac
On August 10, at exactly 11:44 AM, after ascending exactly 6132.61', (and two days after chemo), we reached the summit of Mt. Whitney under the bluest of blue skies. In spite of all of my recent treatments, we're pretty convinced that the best medicine I've received so far came at 14,497'.
When we reached the summit, after tears of celebration and accomplishment, Greg pulled out this sign he had made before we left (unbeknownst to me). Pretty much sums it up...
Whatever ends up taking me eventually, it sure as hell isn't going to be this cancer...
Friday, March 5, 2010
You know, I haven't done this kind of healing before, haha..so I was inflicting some hurry up, and get back to "normal" crapolla on myself. Last night, as the hummingbird slowed down, and I massaged my aching legs, I wrapped myself in the present moment of just being, just noticing.
I have always known that I am perfectly where I should be. Trust me, I say as I laugh at my inner hippie girl. But, she..the HIppie girl has been in a long hibernation. She had to go away so I could take all the stuff I did. I feel really sad, as I sit here and cry looking out at big ships pass on the Sound. I feel really sad that I put all that stuff into me. The other day I took a walk with a new friend that is a cancer survivor. He said to me, that there is a small percentage that he could get I think it was Lymphoma, but maybe I'm wrong, but some other cancer from his treatment he'd undergone. There is a grief in this potential of buying time.
We are all buying time. My friend who has early onset Parkinsons, is hoping to buy time with some new meds. Ladies getting botox, are buying time. Haha.
We are all buying time. Borrowing time, I mean. As it really isn't ours to be had. Or is it?
All I know this morning is how incredibly grateful I am to my friends. To my loved ones that at every single turn are there. I have been incredibly blessed to have so many teachers, friends that are my deep soul filled family, and my sister who are there for me. Life has been hard for everyone of us, in the past few years. I think as I come out of my slumber, energetically I am feeling this as well.
Here is a little poem I wrote this morning, as the Spring birds renew my Spirit like no other.
Sweet song birds
calling forth your mate
lay me an egg
to find as I walk this soft earth
broken shells to be kept on my altar
full of growth, fertility, new beginnings, and a promise of tomorrow
Monday, March 1, 2010
I have decided to not write here unless I have something to process or share, and I do again finally. Finding the place to start seems to be harder and harder because I am not writing as often. I am not sure what is good for me. Maybe I should be writing more often. I guess I just do not have the desire to make my writing interesting and fun right now.
One thing that I have learned from an early age is that I do not want to put myself in a place of being a victim, or feeling sorry for myself. This is not a Heather thing to do. But (there are always Buts in life) I did choose to become very in~sync with myself, and I shared my entire process. I feel like in this introspection there is, and very well maybe a place of being too in tune. Like maybe i just need to be. Not think everything through so much. Maybe its as simple as loving myself back in that now learned place of...dah..dah..dahhhh..dahh..the present moment.
As right now, the Daphne is in bloom, it is night, and I am laying in bed all cozied in with my new snuggle buddy (stuffed elephant that is HUGe, LOL) and that is all I need right now. I am content, in fact I feel blissed out.
As I was walking with a friend today I explained that when I am around her, I don't feel like I need to protect her, or worry about her, and that I can just process my feelings. I notice this with most of my close friends. I feel like I am "living life" around her. But at other times I feel myself protecting loved ones and not "living life" around them. This past weekend I visited my beloved sister and my baby nephew.
I knew visiting my nephew may be difficult for me since I just came to the understanding that I may very well not be able to be a mother in the way that I had always dreamt. I have even come to a place in the last couple of weeks, with toying around and sitting with the elephant in the room, that maybe I will just not be a mother at all. I am not going there totally yet, because I know that that will not be the case. I have to trust that Spirit will bring my children to me, in whatever form, but a form they will come. They must. I have too much love to share to not.
Anyhow, so visiting my sister was great. But I felt the whole time I was not fully giving myself to her. We did fall asleep and cuddle like two peas in our usual pod, but I was careful with her. I just didn't give 100% to her, not even 60%. SHe knows it, I am sure she felt it. I blurted out on my walk today, that I think its because what if I die and I don't want to cause her anymore pain. And I also shared my little morbid reason of my new found obsession with taking photos of everything. It is for her to look back when I die and see all the things, all the things that make Up Life, and see what touched my heart.
Or maybe I am just reminding myself of what is My Life, and what touches my heart, and its as simple as that. Everything means more now. The Daphne is intoxicating, whereas before I just loved it immensely. Now, it creeps into poems and is a thought in my daily mind like a new lover.
Other changes I am noticing is in my work. I love being a healer, and I will die, one day, being a healer. I also love selling real estate and enjoy the game of it. I truly do. But the past few weeks, I have been toying around with the idea of not selling real estate anymore and just being a Healer. Because life is too short to have so much stress. But that is not what its really about for me. At all. I enjoy it. I simply am not able to do it all as much as I need to be doing, and to do it all gracefully. I guess Grace is gone for the moment. I feel like a clunky teenager. For example, tonight I had plans to go out to dinner with a friend and catch up. I had a buyer call a half hour before I was to pick her up, and say, I am finally ready to make an offer on this house. I chose to take care of myself instead of doing what the old Heather would do. I did not cancel my plans. But went to dinner and had a great time. I got home at 10. The old Heather was saying, go to the office and write up the offer tonight so you can sleep in. But the new Heather said, No, go home write, and wake up early and write the offer up.
Is it insane to work until midnight? If you love what you do? Yes.
So, I am fine doing them both. And you may even wonder why it is that I write this since its not really about my Journey with cancer. But really it is. You see, I had the Pre-Cancer Heather, the Cancer-Heather, and now these two young women need to integrate so that I can start living my life as Heather. I need to stop being in limbo and actively start molding these lovely ladies together. Well, Hello there. Nice to meet you. Way to start taking care of yourself.
Speaking of taking care of myself, I ran last Saturday 15 miles in 2 hrs and 35 minutes. I am feeling incredible. My stress levels and anxiety are way lower.
I am able to handle more. Each week that goes by I notice a huge change in my well being. I feel calmer, though at times--- I grew up watching The Jetsens-- I feel like Rosie the robot when she has her meltdowns and wonder if people can see my bolts and screws go haywire in the air..haha.
I guess these juxtapositions are life. I guess its okay that I am not back to normal, and that normal is trying to still catch up to the whirling dervish I have been enraptured by. There is no right way to deal with being told you have a life threatening illness, no right way to go through treatment, and no right way to heal from the trauma. It just is what it is and that is it. Pretty simple really.
I am doing better. I am feeling strong and I am sleeping finally ( I write this as I yawn). I think I am in shock still when I think about what I have gone through. I am nearing the time that I will read through my blog and start writing my book. I am becoming clearer and clearer on how it will be written. It is a fun thing to think about as I run.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
In general I am at peace with myself right now, and I do not have a bunch to say, nor do I feel inspired to write. This healing journey goes in waves. Feeling good. My dear friend Keiko is flying in for a few days this afternoon, and I am looking forward to having a girlfriend around. To drink tea with. I am definetly (damn I can't remember how to spell still-drives me nuts) less manic than I've been. But still a swirl of energy.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
All I can do right now is hold on. Life is genuinely difficult for me right now. At the same time very easy. It truly is a mindset. If I just take care of myself, and don't start planning a bunch of things and just keep it simple, life is good. I am surrounded by loved ones, and I am slowly getting my apartment into a sanctuary for myself. I have been training effortlessly for this marathon. Last Saturday I ran 14.25 miles in two hours and fifteen minutes. My body is finally at the place of being able to run and talk, and get excited at the sametime that I can do this!! I get sore for the day after my longer runs, but then bounce back very quickly. I am feeling strong, and confident. I know my body very well. Very well. And most importantly I know how to listen to my body. I am taking lots of baths and soaking in epsom salts, and icing if need be. Eating lots of good food, and sleeping well. Pretty well at least.
I am still not back in a place of being able to handle stress very well. Which to most everyone around me, would be astonishing because I do so much, and get so much done. I guess its kindof like when I am running. If I focus on the activity/chore/work at hand it is easy and no biggie. But if I start thinking or processing that I have so many more miles to go, work to do, ect..than it/life starts to get painful.
I need a vacation, but honestly I know myself well enough right now, that the best place for me to be is here. To be home. To be still, in the daily regular life, and just live my schedule. I have my MRI in a couple of weeks and I am a bit panicky. The second surgery caused tons of scar tissue and so my breast hurts when I hug people or if I palpate it. WHich freaks me out. I know there is no cancer there, but it still freaks me out.
It is Winter. I am relishing in the solitude of the season. Loving my mornings of drinking tea, and spacing out. I am taking care of myself and loving myself, at the same time being the tazmanian devil.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Chemo puts girls/woman my age into a Chemopause like state. My Onc told me I had a 50/50 chance of getting my period back. I went through the fertility steps of harvesting eggs. I got 6. I ruined 3 with my X, because in the fertilized state they are hardier and have more of chance of being a viable pregnancy. So now, I just have 3. Chances of that working are 30% maybe a little lower.
I went to see my Onc a few days ago. My tumor markers are low, Yay...at 12. I told him through tears in my eyes, "It would just be nice to know if I am going to get my moon back." He said that usually it comes back within in a year, I am a year and two months out. It should've come back by now, he said. So, he went on to explain that we should do a hormone level on my blood draw as well. If the number is high then my chances are good that I'll get it back. If they are medium, chances pretty low. If they come in low, exteremely doubtful.
Well, I just got his call, and they are a 6. VERY, VERY low. WOman my age that are pre-menopausal are between 15-26. He said that at my next check-up if it hasn't come back, that we need to talk about Osteoporosis, ect....I'm so sad.
He said that it still could come back. And we all know how incredible bodies are. But, I need to be pragmatic, I need to move on, and forward. The limbo state is very, very hard.
At least I know. Now I can begin my process of mourning. I have three eggs. If that doesn't work I can use my sisters, and fertilize it, then I can carry a baby. I still can do that. If that fails, then I can adopt, and I have two incredible soul friends that have been examples of this love. So sad.
I will probably never ever bleed again. I guess, I can embrace all the night sweat/hot flash herbs now. I am going to make a ritual for this. I have to. It is a rites of passage. One that I am sad to be embracing. But embrace it I will.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
The girls at the front desk remember my name, and handed me my slip with the directions for the blood folks..the infamous tumor marker blood draw..CA 27-? Can't remember. Who cares. Its the test for Breast Cancer, my tumor markers. The test that I will call tomorrow and find out my numbers. I'll mark them down in my little journal, so that I can graph them. Watch them. Live by them, as a cobweb lives in a window sills corner.
As I waited for my blood to be drawn, I look around the room that is full of every kind of person and walk of life. I am nervous now. I was able to keep those feelings at bay until now. I tried calling a few friends before todays appointment, but didn't get in touch with them all. I just wanted to tell everyone that I think today will be my last 3 month appointment. Its February now. In three months, it will be a full year that I was done with my treatment. A full year later, and I will be running a marathon in Big Sur. Big Sur to Carmel. I cannot wait to tell Dr. K this news. I can't wait to hug him, and tell him that I am ready to start being available to young woman who get diagnosed. I came armed with my blog business cards to give him. I am ready to start being a beakon of hope for these girls/woman. To tell them with a determined look, as I was gifted by a Survivor, that they will get through this. They will.
I am going to go now. I want to smile at the folks around me. I want to open myself up to this experience. Feel it. I can't wait to get on the scale.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
where to start. I'm going to go back a few weeks to my counseling session. I must again state here, how important seeing a cancer specialist therapist has been to my recovery.
I was in there telling her how overwhelmed I was. Telling her all my "USED" to be stuff. I used to be a good multi-tasker. An unbelievable one. I still do more than the most person in a day, but in doing that I have huge anxiety, huge sense of non-well-being, and just not coping well. She said to me, as light bulb went off in my head, "Heather, when you got diagnosed everything became structured around doctors appointments, and chemo, and radiation, ect." Suddenly, the dam broke and I just started to cry.
That was it. I had, with a goddamit HAD to stop everything. I had to say goodbye to my life and stop living it...so that I could get a chance to LIVE again. Wow. It is time to start living again. To stop going through the steps, but actually living. Making plans. I have been making plans. But those plans were sprawled across my mind, and had no connection to my heart. I realized with great JOY, as I grabbed her notebook and pen out of her hands, I NEEDED TO START MAKING MY SCHEDULE!!
I realized that I was safe to do so. I can ease into life. I can wake up, drink my tea, day dream about anything (which is NOT cancer related anymore), get dressed, go work out, go into my office, go do massages, go back to my office, take a walk, eat nourishing food, and go to sleep.
I spent the summer just being a crazed extrovert with no direction at all. This winter, I am sinking into my life again. Actually, just the past couple of weeks. And you know what? The anxiety is gone. I am much more relaxed. Realizing at the sametime, that I still have a ways to go with feeling safe and mentally sound.
That was huge.
The other huge thing, is that I have commited and have started training the last couple of months for the Big Sur Marathon, April 25th. I had decided I wanted to run one, and then I ran into my friend Bridget. She had run this one, and loved it. I looked it up, and smiled instantly when I saw the date. Exactly a year after I compeleted my treatment, I will be kicking cancer in the ass with a marathon. In one of my top three favorite places in the world.
As I train, I visualize crossing the finish line, and breaking my hand made pink ribbon that my sister and one of my best friends Gen will be holding. I started out thinking the ribbon will read, "Fuck Cancer." But then, that is not really me, and have been thinking more on the lines of, "I beat breast cancer". That is not it, still thinking. You all may suggest a one liner for this ribbon for me!! At the end of the day, its going to be a total reclammation of my body, and saying to myself, If I can get through cancer treatment, I can finish a marathon, and I will do it. I am on week 5 of Hal Higgdon's novice plan, and am absolutely loving feeling my body getting stronger and stronger every week. Last Saturday was my big run of 9 miles, and I finished. Slow but I finished, in an hour and 49 mintues. This Saturday is a 10 miler. I am training twice a week with a personal trainer, and feeling very strong. This is helping to decrease my anxiety as well. And very happy to say, my hot flashes, have all but vanished. Except last night, I woke to wet blankets, a major night sweat.
I am doing well. I am healing still. I am learning how to simply live, so that I can integrate all my new learned lessons of self. I am being gentle with myself, and only surrounding myself with positive people. I was in such need during my treatment, that I took help from anyone, now its time to move back to pure joy and light again.
I am becoming whole. I made my next three month appointment during yesterdays couseling session. I kept putting it off, and needed my hand held during the phone call. Its for February 3rd. I will let the scared feelings wait for that day and the next, until I get my tumor markers told to me over the phone. That news and bad feelings can wait for those days. Today, is a day of light and joy, and kicking ass!