The news from last week really put me into a tailspin for a few days. The day I found out, I drove out to Vashon Island, and took a walk for two hours. I just let myself cry, and cry, and cry some more. I walked and cried. I walked and saw beauty and spring pushing itself through the plants with beautiful buds. After a few hours, of giving the passing streams my saddness and a few puddles of gazing deep at myself and then splashing into them, I was better. I was better enough to say to myself, Heather, it is going to be okay. Again, surrender became my teacher. Again, I had to learn how to surrender without giving away my dreams. How to be soft, yet be rock solid. I am learning.
All I can do right now is hold on. Life is genuinely difficult for me right now. At the same time very easy. It truly is a mindset. If I just take care of myself, and don't start planning a bunch of things and just keep it simple, life is good. I am surrounded by loved ones, and I am slowly getting my apartment into a sanctuary for myself. I have been training effortlessly for this marathon. Last Saturday I ran 14.25 miles in two hours and fifteen minutes. My body is finally at the place of being able to run and talk, and get excited at the sametime that I can do this!! I get sore for the day after my longer runs, but then bounce back very quickly. I am feeling strong, and confident. I know my body very well. Very well. And most importantly I know how to listen to my body. I am taking lots of baths and soaking in epsom salts, and icing if need be. Eating lots of good food, and sleeping well. Pretty well at least.
I am still not back in a place of being able to handle stress very well. Which to most everyone around me, would be astonishing because I do so much, and get so much done. I guess its kindof like when I am running. If I focus on the activity/chore/work at hand it is easy and no biggie. But if I start thinking or processing that I have so many more miles to go, work to do, ect..than it/life starts to get painful.
I need a vacation, but honestly I know myself well enough right now, that the best place for me to be is here. To be home. To be still, in the daily regular life, and just live my schedule. I have my MRI in a couple of weeks and I am a bit panicky. The second surgery caused tons of scar tissue and so my breast hurts when I hug people or if I palpate it. WHich freaks me out. I know there is no cancer there, but it still freaks me out.
It is Winter. I am relishing in the solitude of the season. Loving my mornings of drinking tea, and spacing out. I am taking care of myself and loving myself, at the same time being the tazmanian devil.
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Dear Heather,
I was doing an internet search on the side effects of cancer and I happened upon your blog.
I have since read every one of your posts which has taken me over a week to accomplish and I feel compelled to respond to what you have written and how it has affected me.
Without going to go into a lot of details here, I was diagnosed with a lesser known type of cancer in August at the age of 42.
I am still awaiting the next step of my treatment, as I have had some severe complications from surgery and they didn’t think me healthy enough to undergo the next phase as yet.
The wait and the not knowing has been really tough. Waiting to see where it has spread and what treatment will be required to stop it.
Who would ever expect to have this happen to them. Most of the time I feel like I am having a bad dream and one of my favorite expressions when someone asks me for the quadrillionth time how I am feeling, my biting reply now is usually – “Waiting for someone to pinch me.” This is usually followed by puzzled looks which then compels me to say “……so I can wake up already”.
I didn’t know how to react to the news and still really don’t. I have ignored it and armour plated the serious, overwhelming and what will likely be debilitating emotions that I feel building but am determined to ignore. I just can’t let those out right now because I will fall apart and not be able to brace myself for what may be coming.
I must say though, it is really nice to know that the total lack of knowing what to feel and the bouncing from anger, sadness, hopelessness, rage, sarcasm, fury, defeat, hope, regret, cynicism, guilt for burdening others, etc etc is not a rollercoaster reserved just for me but has been experienced by a lot of people in a situation like this in varying degrees.
I really felt vindicated when your blog regarding the woman who commented that her relative who had fought cancer had withdrawn from everyone and wasn’t open to her friends/family and she was quite disappointed in her. It made me feel good to have the idea reinforced that there is NO right way to handle this and everyone will deal with it the best they know how. I have altered between complete withdrawal, insulating and isolating myself against seeing the emotions of my family and having to bear them and at times, facing it and being honest with my family but only to a point and then it becomes overwhelming again and I have to withdraw. Then I feel guilty.
And also….. the comments. I enjoyed hearing that other people also have a problem with some of the comments you get when a person hears the news. It is funny, sad, humorous and maddening all at the same time.
Thank you.
Thank you for having the strength and courage to write about your intimate feelings, your loss, your grief, your pain and sorrow, but also your indomitable and unwavering hope, spirit and faith in yourself and in life itself.
I hope I can be as strong as I believe you are and I hope very much that you continue to win this and every other battle that you may ever have to face.
Oh, Love. First off, big hugs to you. May you feel enveloped by my love and hugs. Feel it all. What a heart warming, inspiring, thoughtful, real, bring tears to my eyes note!
I write this blog for all of us. Please email me, if you feel like you want further connection. I am here. Much Love to you. I will give you my phone number, and you may call me at any time of day or night. I am a good listener.
Hi Heather,
I sent you an email to the waterfalls address last week but I am not sure you received. Perhaps spam got it instead. You just may be busy as well. Hope you are doing well. Let me know.
C
Hey there, sorry about that. I got a lot of emails from ladies reaching out last week, and I missed yours. I need to clean up my inbox so its a bit tidier. : ) I think I just emailed you back, let me know if I didn't. If not, try me again.
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