This past weekend, I attended a ceremony for my friends daughters second birthday. I have been putting of attending a ceremony since I have been going through this stuff (sounds so trivial when I put it that way..), for the main reason of a few postings ago..I had let go of Faith in my life. I had to. I had to set it aside, and just be "in" the present moment, that in all reality was much more of a spiritual journey than I have ever been on.
Well, this weekend it just happened that my jam packed real estate schedule (yippee a schedule) all vanished for various meant to be reasons, and there was nothing holding me to the city. I drove down to Southern Oregon, and met with friends that had gathered from Washington, Idaho, Alaska, Oregon, and California. Old friends that I have not seen in years. Friends, that are my brothers in my life. Men that have my back. Men that I can call for any reason, and they are there for me. For no other reason, than they love me. Which is hard pressed in my life. I would say I only have two others in my life, that there are no ulterior motivations. Just pure sister brother relations.
In this ceremony, I prayed and prayed, and prayed some more for my friends daughters life. For their life as parents, for their guidance for her, for their continued communication and love for one another so that she may have good examples of the love she deserves in her later life, ect.
In praying for her life, I connected back into my faith. A faith that I thought had gone away. A faith that I felt had betrayed me. A faith that had not been there. A faith that indeed I did feel all along, but that I chose to exile, so that I could dig deeper, and be "alone".
What I learned this weekend is that my faith is not an extension of me. It is not outside of me. It is not something I can "have" or "believe in" or even "live by". It simply is my heart, it is my soul, it is my breath and my blood that pulses through my body with each heartbeat. I looked deeper into myself this weekend and found a stronger me. A wholer me. A me, that I do not not need to exile any longer.
This week is the second biggest week of my training for this marathon. I run 40 miles, and am very excited about it. I woke up in the middle of the night, freaking out about my Saturday run that will be 20 miles!! Its small compared to April 25th's 26.285... I ran through my first pair of shoes, and bought a new pair yesterday. Very excited to bring these new ones for my ten miles spin today. Its a beautiful day here in Seattle. I am opening my life up for change on many levels. I'm noticing here in my life, that I am not connected to any one thing, as I had been before cancer. I believe after this weekend, it is through my faith, faith in my life, and my body, my soul, my path, that what will be, will simply just be. I have nothing to hold onto, other than change, and the perpetual motion of being in the present moment and living in awe of the unknowns.