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Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Mammograms to Enneagrams

Today went great, I'll just blurt that out for all of you that are wondering.

I of coarse went armed with my blog cards, so I could hand them out to the various woman I started talking to. I met a young mother, about my age who had found her lump in the past month. I listened to her, tried to not say too much, because I didn't want to freak her out. Remembering full well, how I felt that first day. The day, I went there alone because I didn't think it was a big deal. I was just going to get my ultrasound and mammogram and be on my merry little way. That life, is gone. Or better yet, that girl was just that. A girl. I grew up pretty quick the past couple of years.
Once I got into the mammogram room, the tech started her litany of questions. I was okay to answer the first bazillion, but I snapped finally when she asked, "Does breast cancer run in your family." I refused to answer the question. Telling her look, I know your just doing your job. You don't need to know all these answers. What is this questionaire for anyways? To stick in some folder? The question, for a young woman should be is it Genetic. That is what the insurance companies should be paying for, so that you know the answer, and don't have to ask. There is no rhyme or reason for my cancer, and no..it does not run in my family, nor is it genetic. (remember, I could have been the first in my family to start producing the BRCA 1 or 2, gene)...
I told her, I didn't even want to be in there anyways. I understand that mammo's show the calcifications, great. It didn't show my cancer. I get really upset every time I have to be forced to go have one. The test isn't even FOR younger women. It is FOR older women.
She agreed with all of this. Why don't they figure out some techy savvy tool/machine that CAN detect breast cancer through dense young women's tissue? The only reason I have to be there is for insurance purposes. To run through the little rat maze as all the other women.
Ugh.
I did start to laugh and joke with her, after that. I apologized and told her how emotional this test is for me. I just have not come to a place of forgiving it. It let me down, and I see no need for it at all. At all.
At one point, I laughed with her because it seemed as if I was doing yoga to get my boob pressed into the machine (which doesn't hurt for me at all) and told her I needed to go see my chiropractor after getingt the mammo. I was serious. :)

I then went over to the MRI place. The machine is so loud that they give you ear plugs. I actually fell asleep in there...I guess I am used to it after the bazillionth time through the egg like metal clashing sounding machine.

Tonight I took for fun an enneagram test online. It said I was either a 1, 2, 3, or an 8. I read through them all, and they all fit in a few ways. None of them fit me perfectly. I realized how much I've learned and grown in the past few years. How much cancer has taught me. Issues I thought I was never going to be able to work through with various therapists, had to be worked through with cancer. All the growth stemmed down to surrender, loving myself deeper, loving others deeper, simply loving with surrender and an open palm...me, you, anyone. Seeing how fragile we all are. How fragile life is.
It didn't surprise me that I wasn't pegged as "a type" because I have not settled down into a patterned way of self yet. I hope I don't. I pray that living in the present moment does not go away, and life continues to grow and stretch, and not be One thing.
Living in the present moment does not work, if you actually LIVE in this world though. And I am starting to live once again, and I am starting to plan things now. When I was first done, making plans for that week was incredibly hard for me. Which was so foreign to the "pre-cancer, Heather". Now, I am planning for my marathon in Big Sur, at the end of April, that is as far out as I feel comfortable with.
I made reservations at the headquarters, in Monterey. I guess that's good. Its hard to think of not being in Big Sur proper, but all the racers will be staying in Monterey, the dinners will be there, the pre-race events. My friend Jenn, is planning post event stuff, and that helps. Thanks Jenn. Planning is simply too much for me right now. That far ahead at least.
I am super good with the weekly planning. I even have my weekly marathon training chalkboard up in my apartment now. Each week, each days schedule mapped out, with inspiring quotes to myself.

I took today off, and I made a promise to myself today. Until I am done with all these six month check ups, I am going to take those days off, and take a day to do whatever I want. I'm staying on my Uncles boat tonight. I sat and played on my computer all night, read, did a little yoga, he made me a yummy dinner, and now I am being lulled to a quieter place within myself by the gentle, almost unnoticeable rocking of the boat.

I'm going to send the tech a little thank you, card tomorrow. Tell her how much I appreciated her listening to me. I have some sadness to work through with that damn mammogram in my cancer therapy still. I think some tears still need to spill.

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