Heather's Journey

Reconstructing and Running..

2012-01-07T12:13:00.000-08:00

Just a little update to let you know that my blog is going to be undergoing a few changes. I'm adding lables so that you all if wanting to read posts on Triple Negative, for example, or posts for Hope, can just click on that word and it'll bring you to my posts on that subject. Please bare with me while I slump them together.Life is full of LIFE right now. I am back in school, working towards

Rugs of Hair

2011-08-31T21:48:00.000-07:00

Years ago, I met a woman that lived on the Eastside, in Bellevue actually that sold beautiful rugs. I asked her if she would be willing to trade massage for one. Quickly, she and I hit it off and we spent the next few years, every week, trading. I have a bazillion rugs now that are housed at various friends homes and are also strewn about my cabin. She was a young mother of two teenage kids.

Enough Talk

2011-05-14T19:12:00.001-07:00

Well, here I am just finishing 2 years and 22 days of being done with treatment and I still find myself processing what I went through. In fact, I have been reclaiming my New life, My New Normal, and incorporating all that I learned into this new life. But I have yet sat in the pain. I have yet stopped and looked over the crevice. I have been whooping it up and recalibrating. Both were

Bloating can be...

2010-07-21T09:29:00.000-07:00

Summer is in full swing, and I literally have been home just a few days here and there over the past few months. I went on a motorcycle tour of Italy, Switzerland, Austria, Slovenia, and Croatia..with my new man. Life is so fun. I catch myself playing with my hair and I can actually almost pull it back into the tiniest of ponytails now. This makes me smile secretly to myself. What I found

379 Posts...

2010-07-08T16:25:00.000-07:00

You know, its really hard to stop writing here. So, today, as I sit for my latest three month appointment in a room of folks with varying hair lengths and varying levels of anxiety (both partners and loved ones and patients) I sit waiting for my name to be called. I really try to let the scared feelings of "what if its back" stay out of my mind. I am pretty much a believer in my "cancer free"

Living Life

2010-05-01T22:28:00.000-07:00

***CLICK on the photos and it will come up larger, if you wish.***

Wishful Endings...

2010-05-01T21:49:00.000-07:00

May flowers bring me one year and eleven months from the day I was initially diagnosed. I wrote this posting days ago. I have been sitting with it, making sure it is something I am really ready to do. My dear friend asked me the other day, " are you sad in your decision? I said no." But as I write here, I feel sad. But the sadness is not in the letting go, but in all

Weightlessness

2010-04-18T13:11:00.001-07:00

This coming week marks my one year anniversary of being "done" with treatment. There seems to be a lot of "anniversaries" with this cancer thing. Or this life thing. Like when you meet someone you remember the day you first kissed. The day you first held hands. The first day of it all. I guess that is what life is about, at least for me. I like to mark special things that happen in my life

Last long run..

2010-04-11T10:02:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was my last long run before the marathon, on the 25th. I decided to run down at Alki, which for those of you that do not live here in Seattle...its a beautiful boardwalk along the Puget Sound. The Olympic Mountains, on a clear day sparkle, and its easy to get lost in thought as you look out at the views. Since this is the route I ran to teach my body how to go the distance, I thought

The ever living Ghost of Once was

2010-04-06T07:31:00.000-07:00

Its taken me a few days of retracing and dissecting what I learned about myself, from my 20 mile run last Saturday. Happily, and reverently I am thankful I ran out on Vashon Island. This island, as you all know by now, is one of my heart places in this world. Its a safe place for me. A retreat. My sanctuary. I ran from the Northend ferry south alongside the Westside highway, ending my run

Thoughts that wake me

2010-04-02T01:23:00.000-07:00

I have been dreaming all night about my moon. Telling family/friends about it, feeling it in my body, releasing all the fear...I decided to finally wake up and put words to the fears....What if it stops? Maybe I shouldn't have told anyone. It did happen. It is happening. How long will it last? Wonder if I will go back to my 21 day cycle? Does my body know what to do? I get to experience

Not an April Fools Joke

2010-04-01T18:47:00.000-07:00

I started my Moon...Just NOW!!!!!!!!! I get to be a Mom!! Wow! Blown away..

Feathers and Fire

2010-03-31T07:50:00.000-07:00

Once again, I find myself in awe of the lessons cancer has taught me, and is still revealing unto me. Before Cancer, I sure was a goal setter. A planner to the T. List maker extraordinaire. I am really loving making my lists again, but now my ego is not attached to these lists, or to an outcome. I sit here this morning, full of joy and have gotten closer to a whole(r) place of being in my

An Understanding

2010-03-25T18:37:00.000-07:00

Today, was a full day. I have had a few of my nearest and dearest in town visiting and they both left today. I have not been sleeping, at all. My body is also, still ever so slightly trying to have a moon. I am trying to not get excited, but feel that there has been a shift. Hopeful hopes? Hhhmmm..possibly. I gave a massage to a client of mine today that has just finished her chemo, and

Did I? uhh..No

2010-03-23T05:52:00.000-07:00

I have been grappling with wether or not to post this, but have decided to be brave and do, strictly for you other breast cancer survivors that are young. Just a quick requests for all my beloveds in my life, reading this, if I have not brought this up to you, please do not talk to me about it. Gulp..here I go..You all know how badly I want(ed) to be a mom. I am now going to not capitalize the

Faith

2010-03-17T17:39:00.000-07:00

I'm down in one of my favorite little towns in California, St. Helena. Today I met up with an old friend, an old friend that we have a deep spiritual understanding together. I would say, my closest friends and I share a deep connection in this way. He was telling me about a shoulder injury he has and that he is heading to Brazil to see a spiritual surgeon, or he'll have surgery in the

Still Point

2010-03-16T08:37:00.000-07:00

Coming to a place of gratefulness. How does one get there? Choice.Sure cancer stole a lot from me, and during this time of writing I get to go back and relive all of that. But..But..there are a lot of pluses, and movements inside me that I choose to look at. Don't get me wrong. When my sister told me she was pregnant, I mourned. She mourned as well, because we'd always hoped and talked about

My Body...My Book..

2010-03-15T02:29:00.000-07:00

This is a simple quick note to you all. I am so loving feeling my body come alive. I have nights that I can sleep, and others..like tonight, that I am so full of joy and excitement for my new life that sleep eludes me. Last night, I slept almost ten hours..On the 20th, I will be running my first 18 miles. 18 miles is monumental to me. The ones that really pushed me have been 6, 10, 15, and

Mammograms to Enneagrams

2010-03-10T23:00:00.000-08:00

Today went great, I'll just blurt that out for all of you that are wondering.I of coarse went armed with my blog cards, so I could hand them out to the various woman I started talking to. I met a young mother, about my age who had found her lump in the past month. I listened to her, tried to not say too much, because I didn't want to freak her out. Remembering full well, how I felt that first

Ode to the 6 month tests

2010-03-09T21:40:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow morning is my next six month check up. I tried really, really hard to squirm my way out of getting the darn mammogram. But the MRI folks realized I didn't have the films sent to them today, and called me and asked for them. Drats! Foiled!! Since the mammo failed me the first time, since it didn't find the cancer, didn't even SHOW my cancer, I don't want it. LIke last week I went to

Jen Hoffmann

2010-03-07T22:01:00.000-08:00

One of my best friends called me tonight, she lost her sister to breast cancer the same day I finished radiation. We have become very close this past year, through our mutual best friend, Keiko. I have been grappling with the idea of what my Pink Ribbon will read as I pass through my Marathon in Big Sur...actually ending in Carmel. She called me tonight and asked if I'd figured out what my

Steamin with friends

2010-03-05T08:04:00.000-08:00

Last night I happened to be on island with some free time. I thought of the frogs that are billowing out their cries for us all to awaken from our winters dormant sleep, and unite with Spring. I realized I needed to go take a walk in the dark and listen to them sing to me. I was ecstatic to have my friends pick up their phone, and they too were on island. Out of all the fancy spas (I am a

Daphne

2010-03-01T22:28:00.000-08:00

This time of year always brings a smile to my face. Actually, anytime brings a smile to my face, but lately its waffs of Daphne in full bloom that I breathe in as I run, or as I walk into my sisters house. I love this plant, and if I am ever lucky enough to be a mother to a little girl, I would love to name her Daphne, if they are a fit. I have decided to not write here unless I have something

Uh...getting drunk doesn't work.

2010-02-21T12:06:00.001-08:00

Last night I went over to my Uncles and we went to a chili contest. I drank so much wine, and had such a blast (mind you I am a total light weight so my lot is not that much). I woke up this morning feeling woozy, and tried to run. Ick!! Note to self: Dear Heather, please do not drink anymore alcohol while you are already taxing your body/machine for this marathon. Ick!!In general I am at

Cobwebs and chicken soup

2010-02-16T18:39:00.000-08:00

The news from last week really put me into a tailspin for a few days. The day I found out, I drove out to Vashon Island, and took a walk for two hours. I just let myself cry, and cry, and cry some more. I walked and cried. I walked and saw beauty and spring pushing itself through the plants with beautiful buds. After a few hours, of giving the passing streams my saddness and a few puddles of

Which one is worse?

2010-02-05T08:10:00.000-08:00

I don't know what would be worse, if I got my cancer back, or the news I just found out. For a woman like me, all she's dreamt about is having children of her own, One Day. To watch their faces lite up when they first learn how to ride a bike, the pain in their eyes when they get stung by a bee, the whole thing. I"ll back track.Chemo puts girls/woman my age into a Chemopause like state. My

My last 3 month check-up?

2010-02-03T12:07:00.000-08:00

I haven't written from Swedish Cancer Institute in a while, or maybe ever. Chemo took the memory of the past. Driving into the garage, a calm came over me. Pushing the blinking garage ticket button, the arm raised, and I drove in. As I circled my way into the garage, I parked at the same time as another person. A man, and his child. I got out of my car, and looked in his direction. Hoping

10 Miler

2010-01-23T14:54:00.000-08:00

Completed in an Hour and thirty-nine minutes! Just a quick, kick butt update! 10 minutes faster and one mile longer than last week!

Time to start living

2010-01-21T09:03:00.000-08:00

Survivors ahead of me on the road to recovery said over and over to me, "There will come a day when you do not think of cancer." That was hard to believe. Hard to imagine. I can happily say, with tears streaming down my face, that that day has almost come. So much to say. I moved, and have been overwhelmed with busy life things to get internet at my place. And processing at my office is not

Contemplating Sources

2009-12-22T08:18:00.000-08:00

I have enjoyed the soul searching of various forms of therapy since I was five. I love looking at myself, in deep ways. I highly suggest for you Survivors out there, to find a top notch Cancer specializing therapist. I find Janet Abrams is a huge source for me. She understands all the medications, all the emotional ups and downs, the fear, the joy, she can hear everything I say, and get it.

Morning tea

2009-12-15T07:18:00.000-08:00

This just happened, and its kind of funny...kind of. So I thought I'd share it. I am sitting here in my comfy chair, drinking my homemade chai (fresh tumeric root, ginger root, tons of cardamon, cinnamon sticks, and black tea) and I ran my hand through my hair. Its soft I thought. So soft. Then I found myself saying out loud, "Are you kidding? I did chemo. I lost all my hair. I did 11

Darker thoughts

2009-12-12T06:40:00.000-08:00

I have been grappling on wether or not to post a few things, but I've decided to do so since my cancer therapy. Please do not write me and be worried. I write these thoughts mainly for you other cancer survivors out there. For you to read my darker thoughts, and so that you feel that you are not on this road alone. Kind of like new mothers, how I always support them talking about their

Sheer Delight

2009-12-09T07:58:00.000-08:00

Bundled in my robe, fuzzy blanket, and slippers, I sit drinking Lap Sang Souchang (my favorite smoky tea). It is absolutely freezing this morning here in Seattle, a whopping 18 degrees. When i was a little girl, I kept journals. I still have years and years of journals. On rainy Seaside, Oregon stormy weather days, I would go back and read, what I had done the year before on that particular

The Ocean Does Heal

2009-12-06T10:24:00.000-08:00

My trip was perfect for me. I really was starting to wonder if I was having a harder time than I really thought I was. Starting to question the whole PTSD, thing. I think that I am fine, actually more than fine. I think I just needed to swim in the ocean, and lay on the beach, and do nothing. That is what I did, and I feel really to attack my life again. In fact, I just went for a 45 minute

Pick up in an hour..

2009-11-30T05:03:00.000-08:00

If my bed wasn't littered with various clothing, shoes, hats, purses, books, and computer cords, I'd be jumping up and down on it. My vacation starts in an hour. My friend Keiko is flying down from SF, and my friend Jenn is flying from NY, and we are meeting in Sayulita. Jenn lost her sister to breast cancer the EXACT day I finished radiation, and my treatment ultimately! The days are going

My Survey

2009-11-28T11:51:00.000-08:00

This morning the NY times has a great article that I will attempt to post here. I have limited techy savviness. It lead me to think of my fellow Triple Negative Sisters. I posted a new forum under Talk..."How did you find yours?" I will let you know the numbers in a few weeks. I'm off for a walk around Greenlake. Its a blustery day here in the city.

Moments Like These

2009-11-27T07:06:00.000-08:00

It was hard to be totally in the present moment this Thanksgiving. My mind kept slipping back to the distorted memories I have of last year. I was so incredibly sick. Just trying to get through. By this time, I'd been on the journey of Breast Cancer five months. I had been on this leg of the journey by myself in many of ways. My book will have a chapter about relationships, and how for most

Attention!! I AM A SURVIVOR...

2009-11-17T14:53:00.000-08:00

I'm up at my favorite tea shop on Queen Anne hill in Seattle, at the TeaCup. I was fine, until I decided I was ready to grab all the swirling thoughts that have been dancing around me in the past few weeks, and throw them into a ball of fury here. At which point, I sit in a crowded cafe, surrounded by young hip kids my age, holding back tears as best I can. To answer all the questions in a nut

Plans for the future

2009-11-14T07:39:00.000-08:00

Nothing is better in the whole wide world, than all the love that has been directed to and for me this past year. I am in bed right now with Keiko, dreaming and planning a surf trip just for us girls. It is a wonderful thing to start planning something. To be able to get out of the present moment, and know that I am going to be healthy enough to do a trip. I feel confident that it is just scar

POst op

2009-11-13T18:30:00.000-08:00

I am good. Dr. Clarfeld said, "It looks Like Scar Tissue" as he leaned over and gave me a hug. Aaahhhhh...I am a lucky girl. Whose surgeon KICKS ASS, and is so full of integrity and love for is career. Blessed.

Thoughts for Today

2009-11-12T14:54:00.000-08:00

I managed to fill pretty much every waking hour doing a massage today. Giving a total of 5, so that’s good. Driving to the island this morning, I just started crying and I cried all the way across the Sound, onto the island, and then all the way to my clients house to Maury Island.Crying because I thought about how easy it is for anyone other than a Survivor to tell me that I should, and

Tools of the Trade

2009-11-09T17:57:00.000-08:00

Okay, everything is going to be fine..I'll just blurt that out first because I know you all are wondering. And then I can explain. haha!As I was driving to my appointment today Tamara said, "What were your tumor markers?" Well...I'd been putting off finding them out because at the end of the day, finding out before I got the surgery was going to either bring a HUGE smile to my face or freak me

The blank space

2009-11-08T22:14:00.001-08:00

My mind is kind of filled with nothingness the past few days. Kind of just not sure what to do, what to think, how much to plan for, how little to plan for, so I just don't. Tomorrow, is the end or the beginning. As I see it, its 1%. But I was that 1% once already. And it got me, that time. Its easy for people to say not to worry, but really, what is there to worry about. In the end. Its

Don't push the Panick Button

2009-11-05T12:06:00.000-08:00

I've been talking to all my dear friends/family today and its interesting hearing myself talk. Its kind of strange. How when I talk to one person I might be laughing, and the next not even be audible because of me crying. Wasn't it just the other day that I was telling my little soldier it was safe? I heard myself tell my adopted Uncle George today, that maybe this is just the life of a

He agreed

2009-11-04T10:42:00.001-08:00

Well, I just left my Onc's office, and he agreed that it does feel different, and he called my surgeon. He told me, that the MRI is 99% accurate, so I only have 1% chance that it is cancer. I like those odds. My initial appointment with my favorite surgeon is on Monday, early AM. I wonder what he'll say? That's all I have for you, for me. To sit in this moment, and wait until Monday. I am

Why Panic?

2009-11-03T21:10:00.000-08:00

I am home, trying to multi-task with all my bazillion ways to be in touch with folks online, and all I can do is keep bringing my mind/self back to the present moment, because it keeps racing ahead and freaking out about tomorrow. I wonder if there will be a time that I don't freak/panic out the day before my "check-up" appointments. I wish my sister lived here, so I could sit in her lap and

Time to start the recovery

2009-11-02T07:26:00.000-08:00

I am list maker, and here will be a simple list of my To Do's that I need to do for me. I am listing them here, because they will be out of the hat...1. Call Cancer Talky-Talk Therapist~ make appointment2. Call Fred Hutch and find out their post-cancer cleansing routine3. Talk to my Onc about who and where he recommends I go to do the cleansing routine4. Call my Cancer ND and ask what their

Falls call

2009-10-30T10:06:00.000-07:00

What a whirlwind of a summer. I find myself this fall, having random flashbacks of events from last year. Like yesterday, I was speaking with a friend who has taken a role in my life as a Great-Aunt, and we were talking about the West Seattle Junction Halloween party for young kids. And suddenly I was taken back, to hanging out in my office in West Seattle, at Keller Williams with my friend

The anger of Blood

2009-10-27T08:58:00.000-07:00

Okay, yesterday as I was massaging I revisited the hard part of my weekend. The hard part being the part that I had the base emotion of anger when hearing about woman laugh and joke about their menopause symptoms. Hell..I laugh about mine. What more can you do right? But in the care, in the safety of others that have been through it, I was able to be in the anger. I say as tears stream down

So sad to leave

2009-10-25T14:23:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting next to the large fireplace in the center of Sun Mountain Lodge. I don't think that Casting For Recovery WA could have been set in a more scenic tranquil location. What a weekend! I am full of gratitude, a new craft, and lots of healing. To be heard, to listen, to be understood at times by a simple whimper, to understand a simple whimper, and to be brought to tears from another's

CFR~

2009-10-24T21:06:00.000-07:00

As I sit here, trying to find the starting part, a flood of images and thoughts rush past my eyes. I guess I'll start with the homework assignment. Each participant is required to draw, or what have you, something on a square cloth that will be made into a quilt of our class. I wrote a poem of coarse and it read:A common threadtied into A common knotWell, today I learned how to cast my rod in

Casting for Recovery

2009-10-23T20:38:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling the old writing bug gooshing through me right now. I'll probably start writing often this weekend. To go back about 9 or 10 months ago....And for those of you that are Golden Girls fans....Picture it, it was 2009 I was in my month 3 or month four of laying in bed straight. Sick as unimaginable, sick as sick gets, watching or trying to pass the time, or trying to feel normal, simply

Battle Wounds

2009-10-18T22:39:00.000-07:00

September was a whirlwind and October is already half way over. Each day is filled with times of reclaiming Heather. Reclaiming her and integrating Heather. The new and old.Like today, I took a five mile walk, as yesterday I went for a run and lifted weights so I was trying to be gentle on my knees. Strangely, my knees had a hard time for the first time ever, in my whole life. I realized

My Nana's Tribute

2009-10-04T20:36:00.000-07:00

Well...My Nana passed away and here is what I wrote for her funeral. She was an incredible lady.***As the sun rose on my flight to Memphis, the thought came to me that everyone on the plane, we all in this church today, get to experience all of our experiences in these once in a lifetime moments. Once the sun rose, the beautiful sunrise was over, bestowed upon me, the start of a new day. Never

Fall breezes

2009-09-28T12:59:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here in my house in Madrona and re-reading my recent blog posts. This has been something I've done from the beginning. I read, and re-read and read again. Its beginning to feel like a distant nightmare, that triggers tears and belly cries. I cannot believe it is the end of September. My last blog entry I was in Northern Cali, in St. Helena visiting my dear friend Keiko who, even

Ending of Summer '09

2009-09-09T19:31:00.000-07:00

This summer is shortly coming to an end, in just a few weeks. Its been a summer of change. Most importantly reconnecting the “old” Heather, pre-marriage-pre-cancer, to the “new” Heather. Last night, my dear brother friend David, had a sweat lodge at his house for me. In the sweat, I thanked Spirit for giving me the lessons that I learned from Cancer. How I learned to open my heart to a depth

My Surgeon

2009-09-05T23:55:00.001-07:00

I honestly, was totally annoyed that I had to go see Dr. C, my surgeon before he took my port out. I just wanted to make the removal date, and just go get it out. But no, no procedure without the preliminary appointment. As I sat in the lobby, I realized that I had not been there since the beginning. For an entire year really. This time I was alone, and I quickly became attuned to the fact

Exploding Love

2009-08-30T14:14:00.000-07:00

I have always been a high energy girl! Like those of you know that have read this blog from the get-go, I never crawled and at 7 months I just got up and started running, and screaming of coarse! I'm still really vocal, and still full of energy. But not like the past few months. I'm not sleeping very well at all. I toss and turn and finally get out of bed in the middle of the morning. Thank

2nd follow up

2009-08-26T21:54:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to get a little nervous for my oncology appointment tomorrow. Its been over two months since I saw Dr. K. I know I have nothing to worry about. I really do know this. But as I write those words I think, bullshit. I really have no idea. There sure can be a lot of hope and a lot of hippie "good" thoughts but really, who knows. I've been listening to what I say to people lately.

Summer meanderings

2009-08-24T08:39:00.000-07:00

It’s been a while since I wrote in here. I have been living life. Living again. At times it feels that this past year didn’t even happen. This morning marks the second day that I have gone for a run. I have lost almost all my chemo weight, just five more pounds to go. My hair is growing, at a snails pace. I am in between being about to use a palmade and a more viscusy hair product. I was

Summertime

2009-07-28T11:58:00.001-07:00

I'm feelin good. I feel good that I shared the weird feelings that I am having, and to have so many of you Survivors write to me and share that you too feel that. I have tried to change my schedule to allow myself to have more fun. I was here working for a few days, and am heading out again tonight for a huge gathering at a friends house near Ashland. I am super excited to be around tons of

So I am not crazy...

2009-07-24T12:28:00.000-07:00

I feel so good that I just read that two of you understand fully what I have been feeling. I thought that last night, maybe I came closer to understanding it. But honestly, I am starting to think that my therapist is right and I am suffering from PTSD, post traumatic stress But maybe its just that I was a healthy 33 yr old, living life and had a pretty darn carefree, easy breezy life. And then

Get out of jail pass

2009-07-23T02:34:00.000-07:00

Can't sleep. I feel weird, had a chemo taste in my mouth, still have it, so I woke up. Now, I am remembering all my nights in my old kitchen (was the prettiest one we re-did), unable to sleep, high on drugs, eating egg and toast. Ick! One thing that I keep forgetting to write in here is something that I have just been noticing for over a month. I am not judging it, but sure am questioning it

My List of Happinesses

2009-07-18T08:40:00.000-07:00

The little things that I am enjoying are:1. Putting yummy stuff that smells delicious and sexy in my hair2. Driving down the road and feeling the wind blow through my hair3. Getting out of the shower and running my fingers through my wet hair4. HAIR, HAIR, Hair5. Enjoying that my hair didn't grow back in my under arms! Yes! 6. I just got my eyebrows waxed for the first time in a year7. painting

Hamster & The Wheel

2009-07-17T07:48:00.000-07:00

Learning to live life again is intense. I was "off" for so long, learning so much about myself and just fighting to live, fighting my ego in the process of surrendering actually. I think that is the biggest one I learned this past year, in every aspect, was surrender. Like a cat who is a good kittie who has no intention to suddenly scratch you, but a kittie laying in the sun, on its back with

I'm feeling sad

2009-07-08T22:54:00.000-07:00

You know I just want to start living my life. My old life. My old carefree fly by the seat of my pants life. I am pretending to do that now. My days are slammed with work, from morning till late at night. Forget that go slow business and take care of Heather reality I was painting to you, to me a month ago. Now, its full throttle into oblivion, and my heart's hurting again. No wonder. I'm

Opening

2009-07-04T07:34:00.000-07:00

I have been working and visiting with friends like a maniac. Yesterday was my first day in weeks where I did nothing, and spent most of the day alone. I was able to slow down and get tired, finally. About a week ago I hiked a nearby mountain, well..not all the way to the top, but close. My body felt great and I wasn't in pain. I am not sure if what happened yesterday is related to the hike or

One Year Ritual

2009-06-30T07:20:00.000-07:00

You can tap/click on the pictures and they'll get bigger!I am going to go back a few weeks now, almost a month actually in a few days to June 2, 2009. My sister wendy came a few days ahead and helped me get ready for the ceremony. We stayed out at the Fern Cove house on Vashon, and started the unwinding process. We took a long walk down on KVI, a beach famous for its agates and special rocks.

So what am I waiting for?

2009-06-25T05:27:00.000-07:00

I have not been sleeping well the past week or so. I've been staying up really late and then waking in the wee hours and then every hour until I just get out of bed. I think the waking early part is due to the wonderful fact that it is now summer and light and bright and the birds are chirping by 5:15. I told a friend the other day a story that I don't know if yet I believe, but seems that it

D Day

2009-06-20T07:56:00.000-07:00

This is the last that you'll hear of D. He and I are divorcing (another D) and he has asked that I not talk about him here. I am thankful that he allowed/compromised his private life as long as he did to allow me to write about "our" journey together. At times using his inital. Big ol' nutshell. He realized after our marriage that he rightfully does not want to have kids, I have never

Twittered

2009-06-15T22:13:00.000-07:00

I am feeling more and more like "Heather". It is going to take time. The Tasmanian Devil in me just needs to calm down and relax and be gentle with myself. I want to DO, everything all at ONCE right now. I want to have fun that jumps off the Funodometer and I just don't want to stop. I want to write lots of poems, and say hi to everyone I know, and get/give lots of hugs, I am starting to

Almost summer photos

2009-06-14T15:33:00.001-07:00

In my dreams

2009-06-14T13:45:00.001-07:00

Last night, as I slept, I thought about the title of my blog. Heathers journey to health. Mmmm...Finally, I feel like I AM this tangible road. This past year, I was on it, but there were obstacles at every bend. Like the road out to Hana, on Maui. Over 200 bends, and curves, but along the way waterfalls and sacred places to clear the heart and soul. This year has been full of this. I made

Wow! What a weekend

2009-06-14T08:29:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what is going to happen with today, but yesterday! It was summer. Summer on Vashon. I had such a great day. I know some of you might want to hear about my ceremony, and I am happy to share it, but I am waiting on a few more folks to send me the photos! I needed yesterday really bad. I have been working pretty non-stop 14 hour days it seems and have been enjoying it but needed

Start Living

2009-06-12T06:34:00.000-07:00

So much has happened since I wrote last. I wanted to write after my ceremony, but wanted to wait to get the pictures to upload here. But, I'm still waiting on those from a few other friends.Where to start? I'll start from now and work my way back.I've been selling a few homes this week, and its exhausting. I need a vacation desperately. I have been doing lots of massages, but this month I

Summer is just around the corner

2009-06-04T04:28:00.000-07:00

This year, I get to have a summer. I am one of those girls that absolutely loves to go to the beach, lay out in a bikini and lay in the sun. I love to sit out on my deck and read, watching the sun set, or as it will be in a little longer, the sun rise. The roses from the pixies and roses picture (down below) are just starting to bloom the past few days. I remember that picture. My sister

The Call

2009-06-02T07:27:00.001-07:00

Its been a year, today that I got the call. The one that I hear still today in my head, "Heather, unfortunately you do have cancer. You need to come down here as soon as you can. We saved a 3 O' clock appointment for you."That's it, a real simple call, that took this last year down a path that I just can hardly believe I was strong enough to get through. I am so thankful for every single day

Another thing not to say

2009-05-31T08:01:00.000-07:00

Two days ago, a sort of friend, there are many of those on an island, said to me, "Wow. You look like a boy." How does one reply to that? I was so hurt. The little girl in me wanted to say well, your an asshole, but I didn't. He didn't think, nor does he even know how incredibly hurtful a statement like that is to a woman just starting to grow hair back.I just thought of a good idea. Making

Did it?

2009-05-30T21:46:00.000-07:00

Today, like I said in my earlier post, I woke to a small trickle. I was so excited, but in this excitement, because it means absolutely the world to me, I protected my heart. And I am glad I did, and I am sad that I am doing that. It will just break me, and the grief of me actually not getting my period back, is somewhere in the future, and I don't need to grieve for the loss of it, if it

Not to be gross

2009-05-30T11:08:00.000-07:00

And not to get 100% excited about because its just a little, but my moon came!!!

A few thoughts

2009-05-28T07:49:00.001-07:00

The thought that would like to be acknowledge in this phase of healing is mainly this one, " How did I get through that?" Really, how did I? In life, I have had many challenges. Living and traveling in West Africa was one of them. How did I manage to live like that? The answer was easy. But to many they don't know how I did. And how is it that I loved it so much?I didn't love any of this

The tender blossom

2009-05-27T07:45:00.000-07:00

Again, I can't believe almost a week has gone by. My intentions are to write, but my priority right now is work. For all those months of laying around, I knew that this day would come, and because of that I am joyful for having a mind, a body, and a heart that innately likes to hum like a hummingbird. I have for the moment, allowed myself to work 10-13 hour days right now. My massage biz is

Tumor Marker

2009-05-21T08:06:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that a week has gone by since I wrote here. This is good! Last thursday I dropped down from 20 MG to 10 MG of prednisone. I felt great. I have for the first time in months and months slept like my old self, and have even been sleeping in till the late hour of 8 AM. I am still pretty amped until 11 pm, but then I go to bed and sleep like a champ. I am loving it. No more

Where am I, and what am I?

2009-05-14T21:59:00.000-07:00

I know, I do. I know now more than ever who and what I am. Its actually a wonderful place I am in or at right now. Not like before, where I stood on the edge of a cliff and new I was going to jump and surrender. Now, its a place of two worlds. Worlds that I love dearly. There is so much Love. There is the "old" Heather, the pre-cancer that is just amazing and I love her so much. And then

A rat race in my head

2009-05-13T21:59:00.000-07:00

I have so much going on in my head, in my heart, in my body, in my mind, in my everything. I am enjoying it all immensely. I enjoy it all so much, that I get overwhelmed and then I cry. I need to start writing here more often again, because I need to process stuff. Today was an all day doctor visit day. I saw my Cardiologist and he thankfully has started the steroid taper, tomorrow I go from

A week of non-rest

2009-05-11T06:16:00.000-07:00

I thought the house sit job out on Vashon would be a great idea. For years I have been longing to move out here. It just happens, that my massage practice more than tripled over night this month, and then my real esate business got the busiest its ever been, and 99% of all that work is in the city. Not on island. So, I have been leaving early in the mornings and like last night, didn't get

I'm exhausted

2009-05-05T10:38:00.000-07:00

I have had a few days of full on 14 hour days, and I'm exhausted! Phew! The steroids are keeping me agitated and full of energy, while my physical body is tired. Its hard to explain because both are with the physical body, but they are happening simultaneously. I'm drinking lots of coffee to give me energy, and then feeling like I need to calm down. If I don't drink coffee I need to nap.

Da island life

2009-05-01T07:14:00.000-07:00

I’ve started my house sitting job out on Vashon Island. The house is right above one of my favorite sunset beaches, Lisabuela! There is a Golden Retriever~ Foster, who has officially gotten my heart, and a Gray Congolese Parrot that has a 300 word vocabulary and noises to boot. It freaks me out! My friend Angela is here and Its been great having someone that wants to walk down the street and

Up and in a panic

2009-04-25T00:37:00.000-07:00

Today, I realized that I am dealing with the steroids a bit better. I think its because I made peace with them, and peace with taking them. Maybe? I tried going to sleep without a pill tonight, and can't. I slept for a few hours, but my dreams are horrible and full of panic ridden events, so I just took a pill and decided to get out of bed until it kicks in. No reason to lay there thinking

Battle Won and Done!

2009-04-22T11:06:00.000-07:00

I've pretty much been bawling every since I got on the table this morning for my last and final radiation appointment. I am allowing myself to take it easy today. I recognize that if I start doing stuff, that I will miss the opportunity to be present in the celebration and process of feeling all my emotions of being done. I am going to let myself drink tea, sit on the coach, read my book, talk

Battle All done, photos!!

2009-04-22T09:53:00.001-07:00

Click on the photos and it will pop up big so you can read my captions.

Teenage Love

2009-04-20T16:56:00.001-07:00

I finally gave in and started reading the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer. Life has come to a halt, and I can do nothing but read them. I feel like a teenager in Love again. Teen angst. I love it. I am devouring it. And I find myself walking around the house to D, saying "Bloodsuckers, come and make me immortal!!" Oh, I want to be bitten and live the life of a vampire too! I love the

Where am I?

2009-04-19T06:57:00.000-07:00

I feel lost, but I also feel like I know right where "Heather" is. Sortof. Since Thursday I have been at the AMTA WA ST massage convention. I've been learning lots of new modalities and refreshing on others, like TMJ and Intra Oral work. Lots of fun. Sortof.All the learning is great. But what I notice when I am around complete strangers is my anger. Not that I am angry with anyone, or that

Art and Science

2009-04-14T12:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, was the long awaited to my Cardiologist day. Frankly, I am scared, in pain, dosed up on steroids, and not feeling that confident with everyone shooting in the dark at what's going on with me. My cardio said yesterday, "Well, this is where art and science come together." Oh, great! Basically, he doesn't know what is going on with me, and he is not in favor of me being on the

Snow again??

2009-04-12T19:38:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it, but it is supposed to snow in Seattle again tomorrow. I called my sis and told her she cannot come now. I have been too worried about her, and I just can't handle the idea of her driving over the pass through snow to see me. Its not worth it. She can come in a few weeks.My lungs and heart are still hurting, a little. I am totally annoyed. That pill Colihchine (or however

Unbelievable

2009-04-11T14:03:00.000-07:00

Thursday came and I was feeling awesome. Dreaming of starting to run again, heck even just take a walk on Monday. I was going to give myself through the weekend. My Onc. asked me how I was and I was awesome. I was. I'm taking all the med's they want me to. So, he reduced my steroids to 10 mg. in morning and 5 at night. Well, by mid-morning my chest and left lung were starting to hurt/burn/

Sis is coming

2009-04-09T09:51:00.000-07:00

YIIIIIPPPPPPEEEEEE!!!!! I talked Wendy, my sister into coming up on Monday and Tuesday. Because of the steroids, I cannot control my mind starting to panic, so I told her to drive 60 MPH in the slow lane, as she has a baby on board and I feel super protective of my unborn Nephew. Yep! Thats what she is having. Dude, if you're reading this, please don't call him Collin! Its a nerd name!

A List

2009-04-08T05:22:00.000-07:00

I feel like I need to make a list of all the things that are going on with my mind, body, soul, life, and whatever else. May not make sense, will not be in order, may be a list, may be a long run on sentence. Its a free for all....radiationblessed, not in pain, 21 down so far, after today 22 down, just a little red, blessed again, thank god something has been easy for me so far, not tired at

Spring Strawberries

2009-04-07T14:54:00.000-07:00

I feel so good and incredible today, I could scream. When I was a little kid growing up on the Oregon Coast, we didn't get to the city very much. I still remember one day, in our gigantically long and wide white pontiac as we were heading on the 26 into the city, my Mom stuck her head out the window and screamed, "I love you, Portland!!" Well, today, I feel that. I want to say, " Hello, Life.

Emotional Day

2009-04-06T20:13:00.000-07:00

I had an incredible day today. The past few days my heart and soul have been touched deeply by the sun. I know, in the Pacific Northwest the sun doesn't come out very much. But on days like today and yesterday, I just can hardly keep a smile off my face. It is quite a different feeling I must say then in the past though. The sun has really touched my soul with HOPE the past few days.