Okay, I have put off blogging this past week simply because I don't want to think. I don't want to think about what's ahead, and I sit here not wanting to write, but realize at the same time that I only have three hours longer until I no longer have the luxury to put off not thinking. Its now almost 7 AM and my eye appointment is at 9:30 and then radiation #1 starts at 10:30. I have #33 total.
To put how I am feeling in a quick word, petrified fits how I feel. I am freaking out. There are so many unknowns. Things to expect, like being tired. Like supposedly the effects aren't immediate and they happen weeks into treatment. Who knows. I have no idea how my body is going to react to RADIATION. I have been dealing with this for months, since June, and you'd think that I couldn't have any more moments of truely being in and feeling "shock" but I am . I am in shock still. I cannot believe I am about to have my chest radiated. I cannot believe I had breast cancer in my tiny little boob. In my 33 year old boob. ME!! Hard to wrap my brain around.
THen there is the saddness, and I may just cry during my treatment. I have no idea.
Luckily work has kept me busy, and I went to bed wanting to jump rope for hours. I am incredibly anxious. I don't do good with burns. Ugh!!
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I must make a FANTASTIC correction! I have heard varying answers so finally asked my Onc the other day. I asked him, "so, I get to start counting the beginning of my year when I am all through with treatment?" And he said, "no, you start counting your year the day of diagnosis." I said, "that doesn't make any sense, why start before treatment?" He said, "that's just the way we do it."
For those of you confused about the relativity of this conversation, let me explain. As a stage 1 Triple NEgative I have a 1 in 6 chance that my cancer will have reoccurance in the next three years. After three years my chances dramatically drop. So, of coarse I have been excited for many reasons of coarse, but for this reason excited to be done with treatment. But I was wrong. I have already started this countdown, on June 2, 2008. So this June, I will have one year down!! And just two more to go, to be able to look further in my life than just the next three years!!
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2 comments:
hooray for being so close to one year! that's great news...I totally didn't know that's the way they count it. I'm glad you're starting rads today because that means after today...there are only 32! You did chemo one day at a time, lady, and you did it...through so much, you DID it. And you'll do this too. No matter what. You'll get through it. One. at. a. time....and then they will be done.
I like the way your Onc counts.
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