white, grey, or black

In a world where there are definitive ways of acting, speaking, spelling, being, thinking, ect., ect.. there are basic ways and answers. Customs. There is always an answer. And it is my job to find the answer. There is something not right with my body, and the fact that the on-call Cardiologist and my Oncologist have totally differing plans of action, and reasons of why and what has/is/ and possibly will happen to me are totally, couldn't be the farthest from one another.
If I was not born a fighter, a seeker, I might want to crumple up in a pool on the beach somewhere, or climb into a cave. But what happens to me is my spirit stands really tall, and I want to scream like a really loud lumber jack that I am not going to fall down to this disease, I am not going to fall down to all these side effects. Before cancer I was an extremely healthy young woman and I am going to go back to that standard of health. I will not take a med for an entire year that they have absolutely no idea why it works, but that it does, and cross our fingers that does the trick. And I am not going to take a med for that long that they do not know why I have this pericarditis, pleural effusion, inflammation, whatever they want to call it.
I want to agree with my Onc. but there are parts of what the cardio said resonates as well.
What I do know, is that I am going in to see my Onc armed with questions on Thursday. I want to see other specialists, I want them to see me, and read my histories, and all together we can figure this out together. Not anyone of them is a God, and I cannot get upset that they are trying in the specialty fields to figure this out, its all a puzzle. I am just not going to sit around and get better, and watch my ankles and lower body swell again, and not have this fixed. I want to and deserve to go back to my resonate healthy brilliance. That is right. So, I am not going on that med blindly. If I do go on it, it will be because that is the obvious thing to do.
Folks, remember this. It is our responsibility to do the right thing for ourselves. No matter how sick we are, no matter how young we are, no matter what. Our bodies are exactly that. Our's. And noone knows our bodies better than ourselves. At what point do we put a blind fold over our eyes, and trust someone to walk us across a busy Interstate freeway? We never would. So why is it, that in medicine we feel the need to do just this. To put our hands and our lives in professionals doctors hands and stop making decisions. GGGRRRRR.....I am pissed. I am pissed and so sick of this stuff. Its all encompasing. It vibrates into every action in my life right now. I am sick of hearing other people that are sick not stand up for themselves and want to blame doc's for trying. I am sick of people not calling their fear what it is. It is a basic fear of not wanting to die. Or in my simple case, having heart problems in the years to come. But, its my job, mine alone, to seek out and find MY ANSWERS with the help of my doctors. Bless all of them. They are just trying. As I am.