Wow! What a weekend

I'm not sure what is going to happen with today, but yesterday! It was summer. Summer on Vashon. I had such a great day. I know some of you might want to hear about my ceremony, and I am happy to share it, but I am waiting on a few more folks to send me the photos!
I needed yesterday really bad. I have been working pretty non-stop 14 hour days it seems and have been enjoying it but needed to force myself to stop answering my phone. It was no problem. I actually liked not doing it.
So again, picture it (for those of you that are Golden Girls fans) Sicily (my case Vashon) the summer of 2009, beautiful sunny day, riding the ferry over with the Puget Sound glistening so that I had to wear sunglasses. Mmm...lovely!
I thought a lot yesterday. I reflected a lot yesterday. I felt free yesterday. Free from so much that I have been holding on to. The ritual/ceremony really allowed me (as ritual does) to physically, mentally, spiritually, and ethericallly let go of Fear. Phew! When its gone, I realize how much free space in and around my soul was about it. Even though I tried desperately hard to not hold on to it.
Anyways, I got to the island and raced over to my friends house and laid by their pool. I was so healed by it. It was one of those pools that has a real waterfall that is forcefully rolling over rocks/boulders, with all the real noise effects. I sat out and visited and laid in the sun, nude. I am a total nudist. I don't get much opportunity for this unless I am with my hippy friends. I felt for the first time, okay that I had my surgery, okay that I was still over weight, and mostly beautiful. One thing that has been difficult this past year, since surgery is not having anyone close to me look or touch or just acknowledge that "it" the breast is still beautiful.
Then there was a concert at one of my favorite beaches on island, so I got dressed and met my other good friend Peggles down there. She just had a little girl, Mirette. I met them down there, to a rock band, that was not to our liking. So, we took a stroll and I listened to her. What a wonderful change. I had no big health drama to talk about. Ahhhh!!! Startin' to live again. The rock band got old quick, and we were thirsty so we walked up the giant hill, and I mean giant to our cars. What happened next was GREAT!! It didn't bother me at all, and I wouldn't have stopped once but did for Peggles. She just had a ceasarean and she needed to. I didn't. Again, what a change!
As we drove she asked me if it was hard to be around little ones right now because I want one so badly. I told her it has been in the past year, but I'm over that now. Or today I am. Sometimes its hard, but there is no reason to not keep my heart open to this, and in this past year I learned how to cry, pretty much at a drop of the hat. Not that I would cry like a baby, over a baby, but I might cry a bit. Someday.
Speaking of, to back track. Friday I went and had the ultra sound of my stomach. Because of that spotting, I've spent the past week getting my hopes up, and out of the present moment, which is lethal! The good news is that I have started sweating again, and I do feel my ovaries getting warm and there was unexplained spotting.
So, I go get on the table and this very nice tech lady says to me during the examination, "Well, it looks really pretty in there, really clean. You won't be having a period in the next month." I broke into tears. Big TEARS. Tons of tears. Tears that rode home with me, past the call to my Dad-even though he cheered me up a bit, and then, I had to bring myself back to the present moment.
After she said the comment, I said, "What? What does clean and pretty mean?" She probably would have totally phrased her whole initial comment differently if she hadn't assumed that I had had the kind of breast cancer that they induce premature menopause on purpose as that type of breast cancer feeds on estrogen. But mine doesn't. And I am in this limbo state solely because of chemo. And Clean and Pretty means, no lining to slough off. Which equals, no period next month.
So I started to cry, maybe like a baby. BIg tears. I told her I didn't want the radiologist to come in and talk to me more about my "results", I'd heard enough. I will wait to hear from my Oncologist. I took the exit out the side door, so I could continue crying. I was devastated. The ritual and my life has been about processing cancer and every other single factor about it, EXCEPT this pre-menopausal thing. As I am really hoping its just CHEMOPAUSE. The amount of grieving if it doesn't return, I am simply not strong enough emotionally to deal with that, and its premature. It can take a woman over a year to get it back. So, I've got time. And hope is again my friend.
Okay, where was I? On a glistening island full of friends and love. Oh, yes! That is right. SO, Peggles and I went to the island tea shop and drank a cold mango green tea freeze, and visited and visited. We sat next to old friends on island. One of the ladies daughters that I've known since she was 3, graduated yesterday. I asked her how it was for her today. And then I told her one of my favorite stories of them. And we all laughed. How incredibly beautiful to be a mother. What a treasured gift.
We visited for a long while, Mirette was a little princess of sleep and waking to eat. She is only five weeks old. Before we headed down to hear the reaggae band that it seemed that the whole island was going to descend onto the beach for, I called my friend Nate. Old friends just take my heart away.
He met us down there. I watched Peggles migrate to the other mothers and her openness to learning from them was gift for me to witness. I watched lots of young beautiful girls and boys enjoying themselves. I saw two sisters, twins, that I used to massage when they were, maybe 3 or 4. I still hold the images of there tiny little bodies, but asked to find out that they are now 17! WOW!! Community. I love it.
We watched the sun go down, and hiked back up the hill and went to Peg's to eat a late night quiche and caught the late to depart 10:40 ferry home. It was via Southworth so it took almost an hour. I just visited with another old island friend, and loved every minute of it. I cannot wait until I can chop wood, stack wood, make a fire, plant my garden, pull my weeds, and drink tea with my friends as I swat away the island mosquitoes. That day, is just down the road. I can almost see it.