I'm not sure what is going to happen with today, but yesterday! It was summer. Summer on Vashon. I had such a great day. I know some of you might want to hear about my ceremony, and I am happy to share it, but I am waiting on a few more folks to send me the photos!
I needed yesterday really bad. I have been working pretty non-stop 14 hour days it seems and have been enjoying it but needed to force myself to stop answering my phone. It was no problem. I actually liked not doing it.
So again, picture it (for those of you that are Golden Girls fans) Sicily (my case Vashon) the summer of 2009, beautiful sunny day, riding the ferry over with the Puget Sound glistening so that I had to wear sunglasses. Mmm...lovely!
I thought a lot yesterday. I reflected a lot yesterday. I felt free yesterday. Free from so much that I have been holding on to. The ritual/ceremony really allowed me (as ritual does) to physically, mentally, spiritually, and ethericallly let go of Fear. Phew! When its gone, I realize how much free space in and around my soul was about it. Even though I tried desperately hard to not hold on to it.
Anyways, I got to the island and raced over to my friends house and laid by their pool. I was so healed by it. It was one of those pools that has a real waterfall that is forcefully rolling over rocks/boulders, with all the real noise effects. I sat out and visited and laid in the sun, nude. I am a total nudist. I don't get much opportunity for this unless I am with my hippy friends. I felt for the first time, okay that I had my surgery, okay that I was still over weight, and mostly beautiful. One thing that has been difficult this past year, since surgery is not having anyone close to me look or touch or just acknowledge that "it" the breast is still beautiful.
Then there was a concert at one of my favorite beaches on island, so I got dressed and met my other good friend Peggles down there. She just had a little girl, Mirette. I met them down there, to a rock band, that was not to our liking. So, we took a stroll and I listened to her. What a wonderful change. I had no big health drama to talk about. Ahhhh!!! Startin' to live again. The rock band got old quick, and we were thirsty so we walked up the giant hill, and I mean giant to our cars. What happened next was GREAT!! It didn't bother me at all, and I wouldn't have stopped once but did for Peggles. She just had a ceasarean and she needed to. I didn't. Again, what a change!
As we drove she asked me if it was hard to be around little ones right now because I want one so badly. I told her it has been in the past year, but I'm over that now. Or today I am. Sometimes its hard, but there is no reason to not keep my heart open to this, and in this past year I learned how to cry, pretty much at a drop of the hat. Not that I would cry like a baby, over a baby, but I might cry a bit. Someday.
Speaking of, to back track. Friday I went and had the ultra sound of my stomach. Because of that spotting, I've spent the past week getting my hopes up, and out of the present moment, which is lethal! The good news is that I have started sweating again, and I do feel my ovaries getting warm and there was unexplained spotting.
So, I go get on the table and this very nice tech lady says to me during the examination, "Well, it looks really pretty in there, really clean. You won't be having a period in the next month." I broke into tears. Big TEARS. Tons of tears. Tears that rode home with me, past the call to my Dad-even though he cheered me up a bit, and then, I had to bring myself back to the present moment.
After she said the comment, I said, "What? What does clean and pretty mean?" She probably would have totally phrased her whole initial comment differently if she hadn't assumed that I had had the kind of breast cancer that they induce premature menopause on purpose as that type of breast cancer feeds on estrogen. But mine doesn't. And I am in this limbo state solely because of chemo. And Clean and Pretty means, no lining to slough off. Which equals, no period next month.
So I started to cry, maybe like a baby. BIg tears. I told her I didn't want the radiologist to come in and talk to me more about my "results", I'd heard enough. I will wait to hear from my Oncologist. I took the exit out the side door, so I could continue crying. I was devastated. The ritual and my life has been about processing cancer and every other single factor about it, EXCEPT this pre-menopausal thing. As I am really hoping its just CHEMOPAUSE. The amount of grieving if it doesn't return, I am simply not strong enough emotionally to deal with that, and its premature. It can take a woman over a year to get it back. So, I've got time. And hope is again my friend.
Okay, where was I? On a glistening island full of friends and love. Oh, yes! That is right. SO, Peggles and I went to the island tea shop and drank a cold mango green tea freeze, and visited and visited. We sat next to old friends on island. One of the ladies daughters that I've known since she was 3, graduated yesterday. I asked her how it was for her today. And then I told her one of my favorite stories of them. And we all laughed. How incredibly beautiful to be a mother. What a treasured gift.
We visited for a long while, Mirette was a little princess of sleep and waking to eat. She is only five weeks old. Before we headed down to hear the reaggae band that it seemed that the whole island was going to descend onto the beach for, I called my friend Nate. Old friends just take my heart away.
He met us down there. I watched Peggles migrate to the other mothers and her openness to learning from them was gift for me to witness. I watched lots of young beautiful girls and boys enjoying themselves. I saw two sisters, twins, that I used to massage when they were, maybe 3 or 4. I still hold the images of there tiny little bodies, but asked to find out that they are now 17! WOW!! Community. I love it.
We watched the sun go down, and hiked back up the hill and went to Peg's to eat a late night quiche and caught the late to depart 10:40 ferry home. It was via Southworth so it took almost an hour. I just visited with another old island friend, and loved every minute of it. I cannot wait until I can chop wood, stack wood, make a fire, plant my garden, pull my weeds, and drink tea with my friends as I swat away the island mosquitoes. That day, is just down the road. I can almost see it.
Showing posts with label vashon island. Show all posts
Showing posts with label vashon island. Show all posts
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Where am I, and what am I?
I know, I do. I know now more than ever who and what I am. Its actually a wonderful place I am in or at right now. Not like before, where I stood on the edge of a cliff and new I was going to jump and surrender. Now, its a place of two worlds. Worlds that I love dearly. There is so much Love. There is the "old" Heather, the pre-cancer that is just amazing and I love her so much. And then there is the "cancer" Heather. And I too, Love her so much. Many of my tears come from her. Well, many of them come from this "new" Heather too. I feel like I am in the middle of two worlds, two destinations, and in those places comes the three. The three places, the three selves. Do you guys remember one of my earliest posts when I spoke of how cancer was claiming a prescense (damn it, the chemo stole my brilliant type A, love of spelling) in the room? I forget how it went. But how it goes now, is that cancer is now at Swedish Cancer institute. It lives there. My cancer lives there. It is not with me, it is not in my hands, it is not in my fate, it is not a part of my NEW life, it is on Madison street, in Seattle. Not a part of this life. I told my Onc yesterday that I wanted him to teach my how to do my own breast exam. He began to do so, but then I started to panick. And I realized that if I do monthly checks myself, I am going to freak myself out. I am going to be checking constantly and panicking myself about a lump, because my breasts have lumps. Their dense. So, I told him, I can't. He said, not to worry, that I'll be in there all the time, and he can do it. Great! I'll have him do it. It will be his responsibility. I can let go of all these worries, and just be in the present moment with living. Reclaiming my life, my health, my laughter, my sheer joy for adventure and for love.
So....I am in this place of coming together. How incredible!!
My hair is getting longer and I now can really see a difference if there isn't goop in it. Its fun to smell pretty again. I'm excited to wake up early tomorrow and put on my gardening gloves and pull some weeds. Some city weeds. If I was on Vashon, I'd have to get ready to get in line to catch the ferry. Which is an adventure as well. But, right now, pulling my own weeds is better time spent. Although, visiting with a friend in the ferry line, melts my heart. There are the two worlds again. Being in the city is all about Time and Energy. And being on Island is all about Love. I realize how silly it is that Time and Energy are winning out at this moment. I do recognize this. For the first time in my entire life, I see the value of Time and Energy, and see that it gives my heart a chance to Love myself and mellow myself out. Which grounds me. Which enables and will enable me to put out more love. And the Love I speak of on the island, is Love being received and given, but in small quick doses. But it is deeper, more nourishing. Some day, life will be slower again, and I'll chop my own wood again, and build my own fire, and sit and watch the fire speak to me and tell me stories. Until then, I will enjoy pulling my city weeds.
So....I am in this place of coming together. How incredible!!
My hair is getting longer and I now can really see a difference if there isn't goop in it. Its fun to smell pretty again. I'm excited to wake up early tomorrow and put on my gardening gloves and pull some weeds. Some city weeds. If I was on Vashon, I'd have to get ready to get in line to catch the ferry. Which is an adventure as well. But, right now, pulling my own weeds is better time spent. Although, visiting with a friend in the ferry line, melts my heart. There are the two worlds again. Being in the city is all about Time and Energy. And being on Island is all about Love. I realize how silly it is that Time and Energy are winning out at this moment. I do recognize this. For the first time in my entire life, I see the value of Time and Energy, and see that it gives my heart a chance to Love myself and mellow myself out. Which grounds me. Which enables and will enable me to put out more love. And the Love I speak of on the island, is Love being received and given, but in small quick doses. But it is deeper, more nourishing. Some day, life will be slower again, and I'll chop my own wood again, and build my own fire, and sit and watch the fire speak to me and tell me stories. Until then, I will enjoy pulling my city weeds.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Da island life
I’ve started my house sitting job out on Vashon Island. The house is right above one of my favorite sunset beaches, Lisabuela! There is a Golden Retriever~ Foster, who has officially gotten my heart, and a Gray Congolese Parrot that has a 300 word vocabulary and noises to boot. It freaks me out!
My friend Angela is here and Its been great having someone that wants to walk down the street and hold on to me, or sit next to me on the coach closely and hold my hand. It warms my heart. I have been thinking a lot about how in life we learn lessons and then implement them and then forget them, and then have to re-learn them. This seems to be what happens to me at least. So, with that being said, there is a “Cancer” Heather and a “normal” Heather. Lessons learned throughout cancer that I need to integrate into “normal” Heather so that I do not loose the lessons learned. I’ve worked to hard with some of these life changing newly formed habits.
And one of them that keeps showing me that I need to do this quickly, is not stressing over anything. Everything, will be fine until tomorrow, nothing is going to change the present moment with stressing about anything so I might as well not stress and just be in the present moment stressfree.
Choosing to stress over anything, and I mean anything is 100% worthless way to expel my energy. I learned this lesson as most of you witnessed with whether or not I was going to worry about my cancer. I have no control over it, so I have learned, I will repeat that, I have learned to not go there. In the beginning I had to force myself, and focus on being a little Buddha. But then it got easier, and easier for me.
So, now that I am all done with treatment, and I still have my port in, I just have to not allow myself to question or worry about the fact that my Onc. wants me to keep my port in for a few more months. Yes, it does symbolize the very real fact that my cancer could come back. But do I need to “go” there. No. So, I stop myself from going there. And you know what happens? I am spending less and less time thinking about “cancer” and more time thinking about me.
Which brings me to , “ Hey, I am super stressed out now, and I don’t want to be.” What is there to stress about? Well, I get really overwhelmed easily now about everything. I need to start practicing letting things go. For instance, this week, I brought out a new townhouse listing. In the past, the old Heather would have worked until 11 pm making all the blogs, all the websites, uploading all the photos, creating the words, the marketing, the flyers, ect. And getting it all done in one day.
Impossible! Instead, last night, and this evening, I forced myself to stop working at the descent time of 5:30. I didn’t let myself get down on myself that I wasn’t finishing everything right then and there. Well..for a minute I did. And then I stopped myself, didn’t let myself stress myself out and said to myself, “Its okay if I leave this until tomorrow. You deserve, and you need to take care of yourself.”
Integration. That is what this time alone on Vashon is going to be for me. Last night Ang and I tried going for my first big walk since my last hospital stint. My heart started hearting when we were walking up the gigantic hill. The old Heather would have gotten hard on myself, but the new Heather just had to say, That sucks. I really want to walk up that hill, but I can’t. I need to take care of myself. Basic. Right? Its going to get easier!
My friend Angela is here and Its been great having someone that wants to walk down the street and hold on to me, or sit next to me on the coach closely and hold my hand. It warms my heart. I have been thinking a lot about how in life we learn lessons and then implement them and then forget them, and then have to re-learn them. This seems to be what happens to me at least. So, with that being said, there is a “Cancer” Heather and a “normal” Heather. Lessons learned throughout cancer that I need to integrate into “normal” Heather so that I do not loose the lessons learned. I’ve worked to hard with some of these life changing newly formed habits.
And one of them that keeps showing me that I need to do this quickly, is not stressing over anything. Everything, will be fine until tomorrow, nothing is going to change the present moment with stressing about anything so I might as well not stress and just be in the present moment stressfree.
Choosing to stress over anything, and I mean anything is 100% worthless way to expel my energy. I learned this lesson as most of you witnessed with whether or not I was going to worry about my cancer. I have no control over it, so I have learned, I will repeat that, I have learned to not go there. In the beginning I had to force myself, and focus on being a little Buddha. But then it got easier, and easier for me.
So, now that I am all done with treatment, and I still have my port in, I just have to not allow myself to question or worry about the fact that my Onc. wants me to keep my port in for a few more months. Yes, it does symbolize the very real fact that my cancer could come back. But do I need to “go” there. No. So, I stop myself from going there. And you know what happens? I am spending less and less time thinking about “cancer” and more time thinking about me.
Which brings me to , “ Hey, I am super stressed out now, and I don’t want to be.” What is there to stress about? Well, I get really overwhelmed easily now about everything. I need to start practicing letting things go. For instance, this week, I brought out a new townhouse listing. In the past, the old Heather would have worked until 11 pm making all the blogs, all the websites, uploading all the photos, creating the words, the marketing, the flyers, ect. And getting it all done in one day.
Impossible! Instead, last night, and this evening, I forced myself to stop working at the descent time of 5:30. I didn’t let myself get down on myself that I wasn’t finishing everything right then and there. Well..for a minute I did. And then I stopped myself, didn’t let myself stress myself out and said to myself, “Its okay if I leave this until tomorrow. You deserve, and you need to take care of yourself.”
Integration. That is what this time alone on Vashon is going to be for me. Last night Ang and I tried going for my first big walk since my last hospital stint. My heart started hearting when we were walking up the gigantic hill. The old Heather would have gotten hard on myself, but the new Heather just had to say, That sucks. I really want to walk up that hill, but I can’t. I need to take care of myself. Basic. Right? Its going to get easier!
Monday, April 6, 2009
Emotional Day
I had an incredible day today. The past few days my heart and soul have been touched deeply by the sun. I know, in the Pacific Northwest the sun doesn't come out very much. But on days like today and yesterday, I just can hardly keep a smile off my face. It is quite a different feeling I must say then in the past though. The sun has really touched my soul with HOPE the past few days. Strange and very unique, I must say. Kind of like the tree frog I managed to grab yesterday when I was walking around Fischer Pond on Vashon Island. The whole time I've been going through this hell ride, I just kept visualizing the end of it, would be the same time that the frogs would start their singing. And so yesterday, it was perfect that I saw one and let his little wet body touch me and my heart. The Frog has been a totem for me on this journey.
I had a wonderful day today. I had my 21st radiation appointment at my usual time of 8:15. I have become friends with all the folks in the waiting room with me. One gentlemans last day was today. His wife brought these delicious cookies, and I said what the heck, its 8:15 AM, why not! I congratulated him. And stood to shake his hand, but suddenly it was not enough and what he had gone through, what I had gone through, we embraced. I almost cried.
I went on my way, onto Vashon Island to give a massage. Doing massage is very good for me right now. With the steroid induced mania, massage forces me to focus all that energy and quiet myself down.
THen I went to see my Onc. When I was waiting for my blood work to be called, I saw a young couple, late 20's. The girl didn't have any hair, was in incredible shape, and was super sad. I started talking to her, asked her her age. Only 26, Hodkins. We just looked into each others eyes, after swapping our stories, not going into the roughness, but just acknowleging how rough its been. And she and I just simply cried. I cried for her. She still had 4 chemo's left, and I felt so bad for her. I gave her my number, and I hope that she calls me. Her name was Alanna.
I saw my Onc, and he told me that he couldn't take me off the steroids unless I took that pill, Colihcine. So, I started crying more. And told him I didn't want to go on it, and that I didn't want to go on it for a year, and that I was afraid I'd have to be on it for the rest of my life, and he hugged me. Looked me in the eye, and said would you take it please. So, yes. I took it today. It makes me really, really sad that I am taking this pill now. I wish I could just be done in a few weeks, and not have any lingering side effects. I am crying right now. I just want my body back. I just want Heather back. I miss her, deeply. I miss my joy. I miss my laughter. I miss her. I do.
I had a wonderful day today. I had my 21st radiation appointment at my usual time of 8:15. I have become friends with all the folks in the waiting room with me. One gentlemans last day was today. His wife brought these delicious cookies, and I said what the heck, its 8:15 AM, why not! I congratulated him. And stood to shake his hand, but suddenly it was not enough and what he had gone through, what I had gone through, we embraced. I almost cried.
I went on my way, onto Vashon Island to give a massage. Doing massage is very good for me right now. With the steroid induced mania, massage forces me to focus all that energy and quiet myself down.
THen I went to see my Onc. When I was waiting for my blood work to be called, I saw a young couple, late 20's. The girl didn't have any hair, was in incredible shape, and was super sad. I started talking to her, asked her her age. Only 26, Hodkins. We just looked into each others eyes, after swapping our stories, not going into the roughness, but just acknowleging how rough its been. And she and I just simply cried. I cried for her. She still had 4 chemo's left, and I felt so bad for her. I gave her my number, and I hope that she calls me. Her name was Alanna.
I saw my Onc, and he told me that he couldn't take me off the steroids unless I took that pill, Colihcine. So, I started crying more. And told him I didn't want to go on it, and that I didn't want to go on it for a year, and that I was afraid I'd have to be on it for the rest of my life, and he hugged me. Looked me in the eye, and said would you take it please. So, yes. I took it today. It makes me really, really sad that I am taking this pill now. I wish I could just be done in a few weeks, and not have any lingering side effects. I am crying right now. I just want my body back. I just want Heather back. I miss her, deeply. I miss my joy. I miss my laughter. I miss her. I do.
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