I am list maker, and here will be a simple list of my To Do's that I need to do for me. I am listing them here, because they will be out of the hat...
1. Call Cancer Talky-Talk Therapist~ make appointment
2. Call Fred Hutch and find out their post-cancer cleansing routine
3. Talk to my Onc about who and where he recommends I go to do the cleansing routine
4. Call my Cancer ND and ask what their routine is for cleansing
5. Call my old ND and ask her who she saw when she was done with chemo
******
Okay, the list is made. The list I've been putting off. Its time to stop holding my breath. I've been asked a few times if this blog is going to have an ending. I've put a lot of thought into that, and this is what has come to me, in a story form of coarse.
A few months ago, I would tell people, "Wow! I am back! I am seriously back to Heather! I feel great!!" But in reality, a week later, I would feel even better, and more whole. Three months later, I can tell you that I "100% feel like Heather, now." But really, do I? I am coming to realize just how hard this was for me. I got done with treatment, left my husband when I was healthy enough, and then had a summer of reconnecting with the Heather I have always known. Seeing all my friends and loved ones. There was an intense celebration, at the end of the finish line.
Like my friend said to me the other day, that has run 6 Iron Man's, he explained to me how he felt at the end of one. As he was running the last two miles, the sheer energy from the crowds was enough to catapult him to the finish line, at which point he collapsed into the arms of the two volunteers.
I think its my athlete in me that keeps comparing what I just went through to some sport, but there are so many similarities. I got to the end of the finish line, had a party, and now, I need to heal. I need to let my muscles and my mind, come back to a non-fatigued, state.
And so, this process, this ending, this last chapter of my journey to health, well...I'm still on it. Its just as much a part of it as any other part so far.
I do feel great. But there are times in my Hummingbird self, that are blue. That are sad. I lost a lot. Mmmm... A better way to look at that I think is, I surrendered a lot. It was a choice. Yes, I like that much better. So readers, I will be writing for a while longer.
I am contemplating turning this blog into a book, as is. Many of you have requested just this. I poo-poo'd the idea. But am starting to see it.
Off for a run. I get to go for a run! Yipppee!!
Showing posts with label swedish cancer institute. Show all posts
Showing posts with label swedish cancer institute. Show all posts
Monday, November 2, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
My Surgeon
I honestly, was totally annoyed that I had to go see Dr. C, my surgeon before he took my port out. I just wanted to make the removal date, and just go get it out. But no, no procedure without the preliminary appointment.
As I sat in the lobby, I realized that I had not been there since the beginning. For an entire year really. This time I was alone, and I quickly became attuned to the fact that the two women in the lobby were alone as well. A business woman in her attire, down to the leather briefcase, making phone call after phone call. Literally cancelling everything in her life, to make her surgery "fit" into her life. I grabbed a tissue as I could not help but cry streams of tears. For her, for me, for every single woman. That hears the words, Yes. You do have cancer. And your life is now DONE. You must stop EVERYTHING, and go to surgery, NOW. The shadow of a woman, whose life was shattered, and making phone calls crucified me today.
Then, the other woman trying to make sense of directions for what lot she needed to park in the day of her surgery, and me remembering how confused and overwhelmed I was with those same darn instructions.
Luckily, they called me into a room right then. As I was quickly deterorating (fuck! I still can't spell...damn chemo)!!! I told them how sad I was getting, and the nurse replied that this morning was very hard for her too!
Then entered one of my favorite people of this whole year, Dr. Clarfeld my surgeon. We gave each other a hug, and I was reminded of what a sweet and caring professional he is. He asked me how this years been, and I simply just broke down. I started crying, and crying, and crying. Those tears have not been on the surface lately. He told me as I grabbed the tissue, we have lots where those came from. I couldn’t believe I was crying. Well, I could. What am I saying. I just didn’t think I’d cry in there.
I thanked him for setting the stage for this year for me. And reminded him that when he walked into surgery, before I was zonked out, he announced and asked,” Ready to be cured?” This past year, I was able to go back to this “cured” mind frame, and find a small piece of belief and comfort in the idea, that I was indeed “cured” already. And that the hell I was enduring with chemo, was strictly a preventative measure. He told me, “well, I can’t say that to everyone.” I love him. I truly do.
I quickly understood the importance of the pre-port removal visit. It’s a huge deal to get it removed and we talked a lot about my feelings with it. This type of medicine is so profound. Doctors who actually take the time to ask important questions, who have the time to listen, and to take time to really care for their patients. I am so lucky I found my Rock Star Team!
Before he I left, I had another breast exam, he said I was great. He also told me that I needed to get a Mammogram before the removal. Defiantly I responded, “It didn’t show my cancer in the first place, the only thing that saved my life was getting the ultrasound. I want one of those.” He explained, that he understood where I was coming from but finally helped me to understand why its important for a young woman to get one. He said that I should also get a Breast MRI, but that the Mammo will show any calcifications that wouldn’t show up in the MRI, so that they know what’s what.
He told me I had to get this done before my removal. Just in case. Yes, of coarse there is always the just in case. Does one allow the just in case to reside on the shoulders? Keeping constant check? Hell no.
As I pondered this decision, I looked up, in the room of a breast cancer surgeon, was a picture of a woman breast feeding her child. I thought that shouldn’t be up on the fucking wall. Most woman with breast cancer, get it later in life. After they’ve been blessed with this experience. But there are young woman like me, who possibly are having this life time dream of mine, ripped from my grasp and so..I started to cry more.
Enough said with that. There have been times as of late, that my moon comes for a minute. Seriously just a minute. Am I ovulating? Who knows? My doc’s have no clue. My fingers are still crossed.
As I sat in the lobby, I realized that I had not been there since the beginning. For an entire year really. This time I was alone, and I quickly became attuned to the fact that the two women in the lobby were alone as well. A business woman in her attire, down to the leather briefcase, making phone call after phone call. Literally cancelling everything in her life, to make her surgery "fit" into her life. I grabbed a tissue as I could not help but cry streams of tears. For her, for me, for every single woman. That hears the words, Yes. You do have cancer. And your life is now DONE. You must stop EVERYTHING, and go to surgery, NOW. The shadow of a woman, whose life was shattered, and making phone calls crucified me today.
Then, the other woman trying to make sense of directions for what lot she needed to park in the day of her surgery, and me remembering how confused and overwhelmed I was with those same darn instructions.
Luckily, they called me into a room right then. As I was quickly deterorating (fuck! I still can't spell...damn chemo)!!! I told them how sad I was getting, and the nurse replied that this morning was very hard for her too!
Then entered one of my favorite people of this whole year, Dr. Clarfeld my surgeon. We gave each other a hug, and I was reminded of what a sweet and caring professional he is. He asked me how this years been, and I simply just broke down. I started crying, and crying, and crying. Those tears have not been on the surface lately. He told me as I grabbed the tissue, we have lots where those came from. I couldn’t believe I was crying. Well, I could. What am I saying. I just didn’t think I’d cry in there.
I thanked him for setting the stage for this year for me. And reminded him that when he walked into surgery, before I was zonked out, he announced and asked,” Ready to be cured?” This past year, I was able to go back to this “cured” mind frame, and find a small piece of belief and comfort in the idea, that I was indeed “cured” already. And that the hell I was enduring with chemo, was strictly a preventative measure. He told me, “well, I can’t say that to everyone.” I love him. I truly do.
I quickly understood the importance of the pre-port removal visit. It’s a huge deal to get it removed and we talked a lot about my feelings with it. This type of medicine is so profound. Doctors who actually take the time to ask important questions, who have the time to listen, and to take time to really care for their patients. I am so lucky I found my Rock Star Team!
Before he I left, I had another breast exam, he said I was great. He also told me that I needed to get a Mammogram before the removal. Defiantly I responded, “It didn’t show my cancer in the first place, the only thing that saved my life was getting the ultrasound. I want one of those.” He explained, that he understood where I was coming from but finally helped me to understand why its important for a young woman to get one. He said that I should also get a Breast MRI, but that the Mammo will show any calcifications that wouldn’t show up in the MRI, so that they know what’s what.
He told me I had to get this done before my removal. Just in case. Yes, of coarse there is always the just in case. Does one allow the just in case to reside on the shoulders? Keeping constant check? Hell no.
As I pondered this decision, I looked up, in the room of a breast cancer surgeon, was a picture of a woman breast feeding her child. I thought that shouldn’t be up on the fucking wall. Most woman with breast cancer, get it later in life. After they’ve been blessed with this experience. But there are young woman like me, who possibly are having this life time dream of mine, ripped from my grasp and so..I started to cry more.
Enough said with that. There have been times as of late, that my moon comes for a minute. Seriously just a minute. Am I ovulating? Who knows? My doc’s have no clue. My fingers are still crossed.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Where am I, and what am I?
I know, I do. I know now more than ever who and what I am. Its actually a wonderful place I am in or at right now. Not like before, where I stood on the edge of a cliff and new I was going to jump and surrender. Now, its a place of two worlds. Worlds that I love dearly. There is so much Love. There is the "old" Heather, the pre-cancer that is just amazing and I love her so much. And then there is the "cancer" Heather. And I too, Love her so much. Many of my tears come from her. Well, many of them come from this "new" Heather too. I feel like I am in the middle of two worlds, two destinations, and in those places comes the three. The three places, the three selves. Do you guys remember one of my earliest posts when I spoke of how cancer was claiming a prescense (damn it, the chemo stole my brilliant type A, love of spelling) in the room? I forget how it went. But how it goes now, is that cancer is now at Swedish Cancer institute. It lives there. My cancer lives there. It is not with me, it is not in my hands, it is not in my fate, it is not a part of my NEW life, it is on Madison street, in Seattle. Not a part of this life. I told my Onc yesterday that I wanted him to teach my how to do my own breast exam. He began to do so, but then I started to panick. And I realized that if I do monthly checks myself, I am going to freak myself out. I am going to be checking constantly and panicking myself about a lump, because my breasts have lumps. Their dense. So, I told him, I can't. He said, not to worry, that I'll be in there all the time, and he can do it. Great! I'll have him do it. It will be his responsibility. I can let go of all these worries, and just be in the present moment with living. Reclaiming my life, my health, my laughter, my sheer joy for adventure and for love.
So....I am in this place of coming together. How incredible!!
My hair is getting longer and I now can really see a difference if there isn't goop in it. Its fun to smell pretty again. I'm excited to wake up early tomorrow and put on my gardening gloves and pull some weeds. Some city weeds. If I was on Vashon, I'd have to get ready to get in line to catch the ferry. Which is an adventure as well. But, right now, pulling my own weeds is better time spent. Although, visiting with a friend in the ferry line, melts my heart. There are the two worlds again. Being in the city is all about Time and Energy. And being on Island is all about Love. I realize how silly it is that Time and Energy are winning out at this moment. I do recognize this. For the first time in my entire life, I see the value of Time and Energy, and see that it gives my heart a chance to Love myself and mellow myself out. Which grounds me. Which enables and will enable me to put out more love. And the Love I speak of on the island, is Love being received and given, but in small quick doses. But it is deeper, more nourishing. Some day, life will be slower again, and I'll chop my own wood again, and build my own fire, and sit and watch the fire speak to me and tell me stories. Until then, I will enjoy pulling my city weeds.
So....I am in this place of coming together. How incredible!!
My hair is getting longer and I now can really see a difference if there isn't goop in it. Its fun to smell pretty again. I'm excited to wake up early tomorrow and put on my gardening gloves and pull some weeds. Some city weeds. If I was on Vashon, I'd have to get ready to get in line to catch the ferry. Which is an adventure as well. But, right now, pulling my own weeds is better time spent. Although, visiting with a friend in the ferry line, melts my heart. There are the two worlds again. Being in the city is all about Time and Energy. And being on Island is all about Love. I realize how silly it is that Time and Energy are winning out at this moment. I do recognize this. For the first time in my entire life, I see the value of Time and Energy, and see that it gives my heart a chance to Love myself and mellow myself out. Which grounds me. Which enables and will enable me to put out more love. And the Love I speak of on the island, is Love being received and given, but in small quick doses. But it is deeper, more nourishing. Some day, life will be slower again, and I'll chop my own wood again, and build my own fire, and sit and watch the fire speak to me and tell me stories. Until then, I will enjoy pulling my city weeds.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Couldn't smile wider
Today is a good day. I never heard from my Onc, so I guess that is good news. I guess he is not concerned. I feel even better about not hearing from him, because today I saw my radiation oncologist and he isn't concerned about it either. He said that the radiation treatment will not cause me to get another effusion, and I will be fine!!! I will go in tomorrow at 8:30 AM and do my planning session. This will have the CT scan and the little tattoo marks for the computer radiation equipment so it will know where to zing me. I am thrilled. When he told me this good news, and that I wouldn't be delayed any longer I couldn't wipe the grin off my face!!
I just got back from a nice walk down to the beach and the waves are pretty big, because its stormy here in Seattle. I managed to fit my walk in between down pours! My hair is growing back with force now. I just wish my eye brows and lashes were! I feel good but still swollen from the waist down. Hopefully it corrects itself. If its still around by next week I am calling my Onc again.
I just got back from a nice walk down to the beach and the waves are pretty big, because its stormy here in Seattle. I managed to fit my walk in between down pours! My hair is growing back with force now. I just wish my eye brows and lashes were! I feel good but still swollen from the waist down. Hopefully it corrects itself. If its still around by next week I am calling my Onc again.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Free at last
Free and better. I get to get discharged later this morning. I am thrilled. I am better. AFter yesterdays procedure, with them really sucking that lung dry it hurt. I was in a fair bit of pain. There is still a little water in my right lung, and a strange thing happened last night around 6. My heart started hurting like it had been when I take in a deep breath only. Not walking around.
I asked my Onc this morning if all the water could come back, and he said he doesn't know. Its a wait and see thing. The tests also came back inconclusive as to wether it was viral or caused by the taxotere. But all along, both the cardiologists and the two different Onc's said that this would probably be the case.
BUT THE GOOD NEWS!!! I'VE LOST 18 POUNDS!!! I now only weigh 155, and am so thrilled. I started out at 138, and can't wait to get there again. I have a feeling it will be in no time, since I haven't even started working out yet.
I asked my Onc this morning if all the water could come back, and he said he doesn't know. Its a wait and see thing. The tests also came back inconclusive as to wether it was viral or caused by the taxotere. But all along, both the cardiologists and the two different Onc's said that this would probably be the case.
BUT THE GOOD NEWS!!! I'VE LOST 18 POUNDS!!! I now only weigh 155, and am so thrilled. I started out at 138, and can't wait to get there again. I have a feeling it will be in no time, since I haven't even started working out yet.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Chemo Today
I had my chemo appointment early today and because of this I got to see many new faces. There were two young girls around my age. One older, and one younger. I wanted to walk up to them and ask, " What kind of cancer do you have?" And ask them about their story. I usually do this if I am by myself. But D was with me and so I didn't. The other reason I didn't is that I couldn't stop crying in there. It started when they were putting in my port. I was so overwhelmed with sadness for everyone in there today. I was sad for them that they were going through this and that we were all in there doing this on Christmas eve instead of out doing Christmassy things. LIke baking cookies, or simple merriment with family. D said he too was feeling really sad in there today.
This is the first chemo that once I was done with my treatment I could barely walk out of exhaustion to the car. Luckily D parked directly outside the Swedish Cancer Institute and so I was okay to walk to the truck.
But once I got home at one, I fell asleep. This sleep was an intensely deep barely could move a bone sleep. I just woke up, three hours later and feel good. When I was in getting my port the nurse in there looked at my fingernail that was coming off. As I was showing it to her, I squeezed it a bit and tons of puss came out from under the nail bed. My doc said just to soak my fingernails, all ten of them in epson salts twice a day for ten minutes. I am going to give it a whirl. At the present moment it doesn't hurt really at all, which i am very thankful for.
I think I feel good enough to try to make a desert for Christmas right now. But then again, I haven't stood up. Well see. I am so exhausted its hard to get excited that I only have two more left, but trust me, I am thrilled!!
Merry Christmas you guys. May this holiday great you with a kind and gentle kiss and hug from a healing wind, may your spirits feel the true spirit of giving and the healing that this act gives your heart, may with this returning of light fill your mind with the fact that all things change and are cyclical and may it remind us all that we are stronger than we ever knew possible, and lastly may you walk tall with the knowing that if you are battling something in life that you are the miracle and the light of the New year where every possibility resides. Blessings.
This is the first chemo that once I was done with my treatment I could barely walk out of exhaustion to the car. Luckily D parked directly outside the Swedish Cancer Institute and so I was okay to walk to the truck.
But once I got home at one, I fell asleep. This sleep was an intensely deep barely could move a bone sleep. I just woke up, three hours later and feel good. When I was in getting my port the nurse in there looked at my fingernail that was coming off. As I was showing it to her, I squeezed it a bit and tons of puss came out from under the nail bed. My doc said just to soak my fingernails, all ten of them in epson salts twice a day for ten minutes. I am going to give it a whirl. At the present moment it doesn't hurt really at all, which i am very thankful for.
I think I feel good enough to try to make a desert for Christmas right now. But then again, I haven't stood up. Well see. I am so exhausted its hard to get excited that I only have two more left, but trust me, I am thrilled!!
Merry Christmas you guys. May this holiday great you with a kind and gentle kiss and hug from a healing wind, may your spirits feel the true spirit of giving and the healing that this act gives your heart, may with this returning of light fill your mind with the fact that all things change and are cyclical and may it remind us all that we are stronger than we ever knew possible, and lastly may you walk tall with the knowing that if you are battling something in life that you are the miracle and the light of the New year where every possibility resides. Blessings.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Almost ready to JUMP!!
I feel the past week or so that I have been on the edge of a giant mountain, with my toes curled around the edges of the earth. I have been looking down and noticing how far down it is, so far that I cannot see the bottom. I see giant boulders that I may strike and I don't let myself spend too much time thinking how much it will hurt when I hit them as I tumble into the abyss. I see clumps of grass that I am hoping to land in and that is my journey I am faced with with starting chemotherapy today. Hard to believe.
I think back on the first week or two that I was diagnosed and I have moved on from that numb place of shock. I am able to believe that I have cancer, but somehow my mind has made it just what IS now, instead of the big bad monster that word con notates. It helps me when I want to relate to the bigness that cancer is is if I think of a dear friend, or my sister having it. Many emotions than arise, but if I bring it back to me, I am just going through the motions.
I have absolutely no idea how today will be. Down to the simplest unknown of how they will access my port. I wonder if my skin will make a popping noise as its accessed or maybe not. I wonder if the chemo will come in one of those cylinders that the radiation for my various scans came in. Or will it be a simple IV. I don't know if I will be ravenous coming out of the treatment or if I will have the 'metal' taste in my mouth that everyone mentions.
I ate a big breakfast today, and am filling in this morning at my real esate business since the secretary is out of town. I thought it would be better, however crazy it is, that I work here today until around 1, instead of sitting at home worrying. Well, it doesn't really help. I am at the office, still worrying, because Cancer is Always WITH ME. It is all consuming. Some of you that don't understand this will think, "jes, move on think of something else." I am sure there are those of you out there. This is the first time in my life that it is impossible for me to seperate myself from my disease. Maybe it is because I have never had a disease before. Maybe like a woman that has not had a child before. She thinks she will act in a way for this particular event or if this or that happened. But then, she becomes a mom and finds that she acts totally different. And then there are the mom's that get to have a few kids. And again, she finds herself doing something she never thought she would.
So, today, at 2:20 I check in for my first chemo. Something I never thought I would do. Funny, the day I got diagnosed, as D and I drove to the hospital I told him, " Okay, I am going to treat this totally alternatively, this is my body and I don't want you to tell me that you think that I shouldn't be doing what I am going to do. I am going to drink mothers milk (as this in Europe has been effective for treating many cancers), and I am going to treat myself alternatively." He was so sweet, to agree with this request. By the time I left the doctor's office, I realized that my cancer if treated JUST alternatively would very much be sealing my envelope of death. So, here I go. Into a zone that I never thought in a million years I would be entering and I am nervous, excited to start killing the cancer that is floating in my body, and anxious. I am almost ready to jump! Almost.
I think back on the first week or two that I was diagnosed and I have moved on from that numb place of shock. I am able to believe that I have cancer, but somehow my mind has made it just what IS now, instead of the big bad monster that word con notates. It helps me when I want to relate to the bigness that cancer is is if I think of a dear friend, or my sister having it. Many emotions than arise, but if I bring it back to me, I am just going through the motions.
I have absolutely no idea how today will be. Down to the simplest unknown of how they will access my port. I wonder if my skin will make a popping noise as its accessed or maybe not. I wonder if the chemo will come in one of those cylinders that the radiation for my various scans came in. Or will it be a simple IV. I don't know if I will be ravenous coming out of the treatment or if I will have the 'metal' taste in my mouth that everyone mentions.
I ate a big breakfast today, and am filling in this morning at my real esate business since the secretary is out of town. I thought it would be better, however crazy it is, that I work here today until around 1, instead of sitting at home worrying. Well, it doesn't really help. I am at the office, still worrying, because Cancer is Always WITH ME. It is all consuming. Some of you that don't understand this will think, "jes, move on think of something else." I am sure there are those of you out there. This is the first time in my life that it is impossible for me to seperate myself from my disease. Maybe it is because I have never had a disease before. Maybe like a woman that has not had a child before. She thinks she will act in a way for this particular event or if this or that happened. But then, she becomes a mom and finds that she acts totally different. And then there are the mom's that get to have a few kids. And again, she finds herself doing something she never thought she would.
So, today, at 2:20 I check in for my first chemo. Something I never thought I would do. Funny, the day I got diagnosed, as D and I drove to the hospital I told him, " Okay, I am going to treat this totally alternatively, this is my body and I don't want you to tell me that you think that I shouldn't be doing what I am going to do. I am going to drink mothers milk (as this in Europe has been effective for treating many cancers), and I am going to treat myself alternatively." He was so sweet, to agree with this request. By the time I left the doctor's office, I realized that my cancer if treated JUST alternatively would very much be sealing my envelope of death. So, here I go. Into a zone that I never thought in a million years I would be entering and I am nervous, excited to start killing the cancer that is floating in my body, and anxious. I am almost ready to jump! Almost.
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