The tender blossom

Again, I can't believe almost a week has gone by. My intentions are to write, but my priority right now is work. For all those months of laying around, I knew that this day would come, and because of that I am joyful for having a mind, a body, and a heart that innately likes to hum like a hummingbird. I have for the moment, allowed myself to work 10-13 hour days right now. My massage biz is slammed, and my real estate business is the busiest it has ever been. I can't complain about sales being made, with all the doom and gloom of the market around.
May was insane. I finished treatment, I've started coming to life, I've started to see my check bones again, my energy is starting to come back, i'm still on some meds~but we'll cross our fingers that my body is healing as it should, the list goes on and on. My heart is still wide open, and I cry a lot, but at appropriate times now : )
But come June, I have a few weekends off. That I am not compromising for anything. My survivor party/ritual will be the first weekend in June. I am really excited to stand in a circle of all the crucial people that have gotten me through this. It has taken a village to help me, to support me, and I want to look into all of my loved ones eyes and thank them. I am hoping for a lot of tears here. Which is perfect because its going to take place right on a beach, so their tears and mine, and all this icky stuff I've been through can flow to the ocean!
I'm excited to have 3 days off in a row, and hang out and play games with my family. No one knows it yet, and I dont have to worry about it, because my Dad doesn't read this~he can't handle it, and the few that do~shhhh don't say anything, Okay, I'm not going to say. But, I have some tricks and games up my sleeve, and its going to be fun.
So June is going to be more relaxing. I am hoping that this last taper off the steroids is healing to my body. I feel nervous to start running again, so I am going to listen to that nervousness and wait. My goal is June 1st. I've already started doing yoga and lifting some weights around the house, doing lunges, but nothing too much.
My mind is okay.
I learned some interesting cancer knowledge from my Aunt Barbara and my friend Shirley~both breast cancer survivors. They said that that tumor marker test, doc's don't worry about anything unless the number goes above 38. Now this is after treatment, the way they monitor if the doc's should look into doing scans, ect. It is not 100% accurate, and so its just one of the few tools they have.
Okay, so 38 and above sends off the red alert. But remember my number at diagnosis? It was 28. Now 8.8. So what my question to my Onc is going to be when I see him next on June 10, is if I was only a 28, that means that my cancer was really caught pretty damn early? And yes, I will add the word damn. Like hot damn! Like I can't freakin' believe it. This knowledge, if he reassures me that yes, it was caught very early, has and will until he answers my question, and then will continue to ride with me, will flick off my shoulder any demons that would like to harass me on a regular basis of the survivor question, "will I get it back."
The answer in the past without this info, would be a hope not, because I am a realist. I see the potential. But if this is true, then the answer will be hell no. The chances of a nothing cancer, living after the hell I just put my body through, is impossible in my mind.
On a happier note, I've always wanted to learn how to fly fish. And I am going to hear soon, if I got accepted into a Survivor Fly Fishing retreat at the Sun Mountain lodge soon. So lets all cross our fingers right this second for me, okay! Done! I'm sure I'll get in. I can't wait to wear the big hip boots, and be in the middle of the river, hopefully not falling down, learning to act like a fly.

Up and in a panic

Today, I realized that I am dealing with the steroids a bit better. I think its because I made peace with them, and peace with taking them. Maybe? I tried going to sleep without a pill tonight, and can't. I slept for a few hours, but my dreams are horrible and full of panic ridden events, so I just took a pill and decided to get out of bed until it kicks in. No reason to lay there thinking about the worlds problems.
I have enjoyed the past few days of being done with my treatments. Immensly. Body stuff that is still going on is the tightness in my chest. Not sure if its lungs or heart, or both. The burn/feel tight when I take in a deep breath and I wouldn't be surprised if I had another attack. I saw my Vedic Astrologer today, Dennis Flaherty. He is truely one of the most insightful people I have ever met. Dead on. Last March, before I found the lump he told me that come the beginning of June my life would come to a screaching halt. I didn't know what he meant, and I surely didn't think it would in such a drastic way. But true to his words, just like always, I was diagnosed June 2. He said he wasn't worried at all, and that my period would come back. I will have kids of my own. Just in a few years. He said until November I have heavy eclipses in something, I can't remember, so health stuff may still be an issue until then. I need to go back and listen to the CD, but he said lots of great things to me. I like to see him once a year and get my tune up. I wish I had listened to him more over the past few years. Everything, and I mean everything he has ever said to me has been right on. In the moment, I didn't want to hear some of the stuff he was saying. Too bad. But lessons learned, I guess.
Time is approaching for my friend Ang and my house sit on Vashon. I just commited to a month long one 10 June-15 July out on Vashon as well. D is always saying how he'd like it if we lived in seperate houses, and if he had a freer marriage, so here we go. For me, I am taking it so that I can use it for restorative time for myself after all this hard stuff I've gone through. I am very much looking for joining back to the old self with the new self. I just can't wait to have that extra personal power once they are united. So very grateful still for all that I have gone through. This summer will be very reflective, and full of gardening. Even though I will be on Vashon I will need to come to my house in West Seattle a lot since I've gone a little over board with the garden. I just can't help myself. So far, and that is the word here, so far, as I do intend to get cuc's, carrots, beans, broccoli, basil, cilantro, tomatoes, and potatoes in still. But so far I have, parsley, chives, red kale, dinosaur kale, peas, violets (I love eating edible flowers in my salads), calendula (again for salads), all kinds of salad greens, spinach, fennel, and cauliflower, oh! and bok choy and nastursiums (for salads again). I can't wait. I am so excited.
I get to have a summer this year. I am not going to miss out on it at ALL! Phew, last summer. Well, I can't bring myself to start reading all that I went through yet, but that sucked. I am exhausted and the pill is kicking in so I am out of here.

Teeth gritting breathing

I woke up Friday morning at 1:30 from a bad dream. And realized I couldn't breathe and that I was in scary pain. I tried to lay there for an hour and the pain only got worse and worse. I will back up that Thursday I popped my head into my Onc's office without notice right after my radiation appointment to tell him something terrible was wrong with me and I didn't want to wait until Friday to get the echho, like I had set up with my Cardio over the phone on Wednesday. I got a chest X-ray, and eccho cardio gram, and a CT scan of just the chest that day, (yeah, I din't have to drink the contrast this time because the didn't need to see my stomach guts, just my chest) and all these tests just showed a small to moderate level of water in the linings around lungs and heart. Nothing like last time and nothing to be causing me to feel with such severe pain.
Well I woke up D at 2:30 finally and said through gritting teeth and very very shallow breath I may need him to bring me to the emergency room. I stood up and walked out to try to watch TV, I was in severe pain, much much worse than last time. So, I remembered in the back of my head My Onc. saying that I can call him at home anytime of day or night, and so I did. For the first time, if this gives you any clue of how much pain and fear I was in. My heart hurt. It felt for days, but tonight 25% worse that my heart had a charlie horse in it. I was in so much pain that I couldn't be freaked out, but I was scared and I knew this when my Onc answered the phone.
In his groggy its 2:40ish voice, Hello. I said this is Heather Bakstad. And he said, hello kiddo. This made me start to cry. I said, I am in so much pain. I started to get tears but it hurt worse to cry so I stopped. I said something is terribly wrong. I through gritting teach and shallow talk and breath said, Doc I can't breath. I am in so much pain. What do I do?
He called the ER ahead, and D and on got dressed to go. I couldn't even bend over to put on my shoes as the pain in my chest was just exploding.
We got to the ER at 3 and did the run around with people that knew nothing of all the things that I've gone through. Luckily My Onc called ahead and spoke with the ER doc that was going to be dealing with me. We waited and waited, I did another CT scan but an angio one to look for clots. They had to give me less IV contrast because because I had just had one the day before. D left afterwards, he had guys showing up at your house to do some work and he needed to be there. And frankly, I was exhausted, he was exhausted, and I knew at this point I was getting admitted. And lord knows how long that would take.
So, he left I feel in and out of sleep. I started sleeping thanks to the pain med they gave me, Delotted. The first dose took the edge off but not the pain. So on an empty stomach I had another dose around 8. The problem was was that I do not do good on pain med's allergic to most. This one works and I needed it as teh pain was going up to between 7-8. 6 is tolerable. I called my onc at a 10.
So, I started puking and puking for hours. I puked and got a headache until 3 in the afternoon. Luckily the steroids started doing the work, or was it the delotted taking away the pain, not sure. But the pain in my chest is gone and I just spent the rest of the day healing from the pain meds. Ick.
The strange thing that happened is just before we left to come to the ER I took 3 advil, as this is what my cardio wanted me to do the past few days. Which never took even the edge off of the pain (down to an 8) I was experiencing. But this time, maybe because I was in such a new level of pain, it did. My the first hour past being in the ER, I was able to stop the teeth breathing and the shallow talk. I still couldn't take in normal breaths, but not scary, am I going to die breaths.
So more good news, now for sure I've done every test known to man, and I have no blood clots.
The cuplrit was the excercise.
Its been months, and my Onc an my Cariod's said it was okay to start my excersice regime. A few weeks ago I started walking a few miles, then I started with ittzy bitzy 5 lb weights lifting. Never making myself sore, just saying hello to the muscles again. And so, like the 3 of us agreed on, I could start running slowly. So I did. AND IM PRETTY INTUNE WITH MY BODY. It felt great, I stopped when I got out of breath, just like before cancer. You got to work yourself up into being able to exercise, it doesn't feel good to anyone when getting started.
So, I felt great, during, and afterwards. TUesday night came with a venegance, and its only gotten worse. Well, so if there isn't water in my linings that is causing this pain, and also, why this time is it hurting so much worse?
Its because of the lack of water to cushion, and my exercising made those organs, and linings, and such rub against one another and caused extreme inflammation. Because the initial diagnosis inflammation had not gone away, it tricked Me, it tricked My Onc, and it tricked my Cardio's. : (
SO, I am in the hosptial again. WIll leave Sunday monring if everything goes good. I am getting mega doses of predisone again, 140 mg every 8 hours. I had to take a sleeping pill and I got to sleep at least 5 hours last night.

Drinking Tea

Life is so good and busy again and I am so happy about that that there is no feelings of being "stressed". I am simply enjoying feeling my body awaken and my mind awaken. Each day I think, " I am back!" But then I fall asleep at 8:30 (except on LOST nights..) and I mean fall asleep. It isn't even possible to put toothpicks in the ol' eyelids, to keep up open. There is an exhaustion that hits me in the evenings and I have been able to sleep until 6 or 7 the past couple of days. I do wake up and panic about various life stuff, but I have been able to calm myself down and enter dream land again. Oh, right I as saying, so then I wake up the next morning and start my day and feel even better. I am remembering how much energy I actually had and I think it will take some time to have my body fully back. Sun-Tuesday I walked 2.3 miles each day and took the day off yesterday because I worked all day!! Those days in bed are encouraging me to "do" lots!! But don't worry, those days in bed taught me my "take time and care of Heather" limits so I know them, well...at least a little bit more.
My mind is healing still and each day it is healing more as well. Massage there isn't that much to think about. Though, I am one of those weirdo's simply remembers every body ailment, or family member once I put my hands on them. This has been challenged a bit. But with real estate its all mind. So, I just write more notes to myself and really I am healing it it feels each day that I challenge it. Tuesday was a really good mind day at real estate and I felt so good about myself at the end of the day.
I am becoming attuned to the idea and fact that I am less weepy, who knows if its from the steroids lessening, if my hormones are all out of whack with this whole chemopause thing, or if I am emersing myself so diligently and busily into lifes work and I don't have the time to think about myself as much.
I believe the later is the truth and cause. My new challenge is to take the mornings to myself. Challenge in not a bad way, like I have to challenge myself to do it to make the time. But challenge in that I want my mornings to remain sacred and I want this time to not go away, so I need to allow and give myself this at least 6 days a week. Until noon. I am also not booking massage after 5:30 so I get home at 7:30. I am not letting myself be as busy as I once was. This is very healthy for me.
D decided, I think, to not go to Hawaii by himself. Who knows..but now we are talking about going to Tulum, Mexico.
The only thing is that we don't know when I am going to start radiation yet, and so don't know when I am going to be done. Then there are the weeks of needing to heal and rest before we hop on a plane to go anywhere. So May it sortof looks like and thats rainy season in Tulum, so maybe the south of France, with the trips to Paris of coarse.
I saw my Onc yesterday for the first time in two weeks. I have now gained 4 pounds since leaving the hospital 154.8. I am bummed, but not too sad. I know I'll lose it. I see him next week and also see the radiology oncologist and together they will decide when I can start my rads. I have really bad acne right now and he said its from the steroids. He said my hot flashes were from the steroids and I had to correct him twice until he heard me. And what he heard me say was, "No. I had the hot flashes go away for a few months, but the last month they came back. Before you put me on steroids they were back and bad." He finally heard outside of the box of "normal" folks and "usual" cases and suggested I take remifemin. I don't like taking stuff, but I read about it its Black Cohosh. I'll talk to the herbalist on Vashon first.

Twilight Zone

I am really tired today. I had an open house for a listing, so I just went and sat and talked to the few people that came by. I am home now and am laying on the coach watching TV and researching things on the net. Lets see...so many things that I haven't written about in a while that I will now.
First of all body stuff. Nails. I have on every finger about half the nail. They are doing much better, kind of drying up. They don't stink as bad, and (those of you that are queazy pass over this sentence) the pus is almost gone in most of the fingers. My body is still pretty swollen. I don't have a scale here at the house, but I can tell I've lost a lot of the water weight. My chin you can now see. Before it was just a round rolly polly face. Its still round, but I can see my cheeckbones ever so slightly again. My legs are still swollen and get more if I do anything. There seems to be a lot of similarities with getting chemo and being pregnant.
I had a really weird experience today. Keiko was leaving this morning so I drove her, like I have 100 times to the airport. Living in West Seattle, its easier just to take Roxbury to the 509. But..my mind is not working the way it used to. Granted, I haven't gone to the airport in a while, but still. What would normally take 17 minutes or so, took almost an hour. I kept taking wrong exits and got lost and my freakin' navigation system that kicks ass, suddenly went bazerck. It kept having us head north instead of south. And...she missed her flight. Very bizarre.
I did have really bad chemo brain in the beginning, and I have noticed that I am not dealing with stress in the way I would normally do, and there are things that I am just slower on. And I have wondered if my brain had been effected, and after todays twilight zone airport adventure, makes me worry a little. Maybe I am just overwhelmed right now and thinking is hard. I don't know. All I know is that I KNOW how to get to the airport and I simply couldn't remember. Weird.
I am still in awe of all that Keiko did for me while she was here. I am too weak right now to feel sad or to miss too terribly my old energetic self. But to watch her run around my house, and run back and forth to the hardware store getting me stuff to fix up my house was very inspiring. I have that to look forward to. To the day when I can multi-task and get a bazillion things done. Keiko if you're reading this thank you. I feel so warm and cuddly in my house. We left the bed and furniture where you moved it, and I love everything!!!

Gearing up

I feel good today, phew! Yesterday, I remembered how my whole life I used to go up any kind of stair. I always, always skipped one and lept to the one above. It was always a fun little thing I did. I can't even remember the last time I had the energy to do that. There is no way I could do that now. I get out of breath simply making the bed now. I sit down, afterwards and feel my heart just thumping away. I only have three more weeks, and after wednesday, only two more treatments left. I can't wait. I am in a little time bubble now, and will be done with it soon. I can't wait. I spoke with a fellow survivor today, and she told me that she worked out the whole time she did radiation. I really liked that she told me that because I've heard so many daunting stories lately of how hard other's rads have been.
I am going to try to go to the gym everyday before my radiation, and then go to the appointment and then go home and go to sleep. Or maybe I won't be really tired, and I'll be okay. I'll just have to wait and see. But regardless, I can't wait to start working out again. At this point just being on a treadmill and walking will be a work out. My back will be happy about that.
Tomorrow is D's birthday and I am hoping to drive to the store to get his cake ingrediants. It is really snowy here, and in West Seattle the streets are really bad. D told me I'm not allowed to drive today, but its pretty sunny and the streets look like they are drying up. And I have a cake to make!! He loves carrot cake so that is what it'll be.
I love baking!!

What I miss

I miss having hair. My mother in law left a couple magazines that show all the hippest wares and do's of the season. I haven't looked at one of those magazines since the waiting room the day of my initial biopsy. Way back in May. Well. I haven't wanted to dress up in any of my fun clothes. When we were getting ready to put our house on the market, I packed away all my products for my hair and all shampoos of various scents and claims of what they do for my hair. I miss my hair. Right now, I sortof miss dressing up. But the fact is is that I have gained so much weight, I cannot fit into any of my fun clothes. And I refuse to go buy a new chemo wardrobe.
I knew I wasn't going to be allowed to get a pedicure or manicure during treatment (because of the high risk of getting an infection) and so I went and got my last french pedi and manicure in June. I have not touched my toes in months. They still look cute. Luckily they haven't gone through what my fingernails are going through. But I miss the indulgence and the self-loving of getting a pedicure. I see getting them as one of the few things I do for just myself. I miss that.
****
My eyes are healing from the surgery. My reddish right eye is healing. It isn't red anymore, and the skin is now coming off like it a sunburn would. They still weep a little. The doctor said it will take a while for them to totally start working correctly again. But it is already 90% better. The surgery was lightening like fast. I was in and out of the hospital within an hour and 1/2. No pain, just groggy from the surgery.

I can't wait till I feel better. I am so sick of this. Another chemo friend, that just finished wrote and said how i am feeling is how she felt. The week after her last chemo she felt like she had the flu too. I wish I didn't have that darn break now, because it wasn't a break. I never got to feel like Tigger.

Doubled edged sword

Chemo got cancelled today!!! I am thrilled, my counts were too low again. That's the not good news, that they are low and that I had to put off the chemo. But, I am so happy. I actually started to cry when my Onc told me that. I was, and am so happy. I get to have a good turkey day, and I get to have a whole week of feeling good. I really need this right now because I feel like these chemo's are getting harder and harder on my body. I am getting weaker and weaker.

Yippee!! Have a good turkey day.

Today's the day..

Well...today is 6 of 12! Tomorrow, I can say I only have 5 chemo's left. I can't wait to be done. My eyes the past couple of days have been a constant river of tears. Not tears from emotional outcries, but from the scar tissue that is not allowing them to flow correctly. My right eye is especially puffy, reddish purplish bluish from the checkbone to the lower eyelid. It burns and so I called the eye specialist today. He is only 1 of 8, and is considered the top specialist in state. So, if you know any kids that are going into the medical field tell them to go into the Ophthalmology: Oculoplastics field. Anyways, so he wants me to come in and see him today. I am hoping there is some kind of cream he can give me to help the skin not be so inflammed. Cross your fingers for me.
+++++

I've been weighed in at my doc's office. I am now sitting waiting for him to come in and tell me my counts are good and to send me up to chemo. Folks.. I am in disbelief. My onc told me I'd probably gain 20 pounds from the chemo. The nurse today, said they don't know why woman gain this amount, but just that it happens. I have officially gained a whopping, stunning 16 pounds. Its not like I am laying around eating Bon~Bons.
I am sick about it. SICK!! I can't wait till this is all done, and I can start exercising like a freggin' maniac. 16 pounds. Wow!

So Good

I am so thankful for this past week of feeling good again. I really have felt totally like myself for only about four days, but those days have been wonderful. Today I think was the best yet. Did I mention how much I have always loved my ability to mulit-task at a high level? I mean I love it. Today, my mind was working full swing and I was able to think way in the future about all the little things I got to plan for and to execute. The difference now is that I don't let any of it stress me out. For that lesson alone, I am thankful. I still run into friends that don't know I have cancer and its so insane to relive those early days of how it felt to share my news. Now when I share the news, there is strength in the telling and not a feeling of morbidity. I guess there is still that sense of who the hell really knows but not on such a deep level. I am an optimist but I cannot totally believe in a 100% cure since it was and is still so incredibly shocking that I "got" it in the first place. I sure as hell hope and send positive energy out there but at the end of the day none of us really knows when our time is and will be.
I just get to live with that heightened awareness for the rest of my life. I think that is a good thing. I think.

Everywhere I look

I see my little half inch sized hair all over the place. I am afraid to have my head shaved because if I got a knick, I could get an infection. Yesterday I didn't write here, I felt too good, and got myself busy. Before I had this riotous break seriously didn't know if I could make it through 4 or 5 months of this hell. I really didn't know. I can't say how thankful I am for the blessing of having a break and getting to have ten wonderful Heather days back. I see that at the end of the tunnel, the little light that I will indeed have a good life again. It was impossible for me to really see this. I just felt irreversibly changed, for the better, and sadly for the worst. The worst because I didn't know if I was going to make it, and I still don't. But at least I am happy (that is today) about not knowing.
My hand is still infected, but my Oncologist decided it was time to take me off the IV antibiotics. I am just taking the oral gut wrenchers now. Yesterday our sawd got layed, and it is impossible for me to sit back and tell people what to do. I like to show people. I got my hands in the dirt, got pricked a few times by our cedar fence that was going up at the same time, and got my hands dirty some more. I was told yesterday that this is a NO, No, and you'd think honestly that I had just learned my lesson. I have to always wear gloves. But that sucks. For instance last night D and I thought that we needed to water the lawn. D went outside and said, " Hey, I need some help. Can you grab the hose and untangle it." Am I supposed to say, " I can't. I have to run upstairs, and grab my gloves out on the deck. Just wait a minute." By the time this would've happened the lawn could have been watered already. This wasn't the hummingbirds choice, nor Tiggers so, I grabbed the filthy hose and tried to untangle it.
This lesson, this cellulitis lesson, hopefully made me think about not grabbing that hose. I am a slow learner on these types of things and I have a feeling I will have to get it again, to prove to myself that I need to NOT DO anything that puts me in contact with dirt. I mean, maybe it was just a fluke that I got it....

New Day

Well, my hand is still hurting but not nearly as bad as it has been. I can type with discomfort today. I realized through this whole pain thing for almost one week now, that I would not be able to handle life if I had constant debilitating pain, for the rest of my life. I even have more respect today for my mom, that she was able to endure nine years of it. I also realized that I highly doubt I will be able to do chemo tomorrow. The swelling has gone down, but I still have a swelling like I did the first day. I have a goose egg size bump on my thumb and you still can't see my tendons in my hand. I leave for the hospital in a bit to get another round of IV antibiotics.
Yesterday, hundreds of plants were put into the ground at our house. We now have a fully landscaped, beautiful yard. Today, the fence is starting to get built and D is less stressed. Getting cancer in the middle to end of a remodel I think ranks high with one of the less opportune times to get "it".
I have been thinking and..At the end of the day, we came into this world on our own with the help of our mothers. And at the end, when we die, we go to a place all our own. And in this journey, not that D isn't there in the way he can be, and not that family and friends aren't there, because I am getting lots of support, but in the end, in the end, I am the one laying in bed alone with my body, my pain, my sorrow, my grief, my shock, my joy, my fervour for life, that no one in the entire world can touch. That is the loneliness of this journey. And it is the Magick. It encompasses all that is. It is a very high spiritual place. I can, and do at times cry because this place is hard. But in this place of hardness, I believe I am growing to be a stronger woman and someday a better mom. One day, I will be able to give to my little tigers more and from more of a compassionate place because I know how much we are on our own, and how it is to need comfort, when comfort still doesn't take away the pain, or the sadness.

Almost ready to JUMP!!

I feel the past week or so that I have been on the edge of a giant mountain, with my toes curled around the edges of the earth. I have been looking down and noticing how far down it is, so far that I cannot see the bottom. I see giant boulders that I may strike and I don't let myself spend too much time thinking how much it will hurt when I hit them as I tumble into the abyss. I see clumps of grass that I am hoping to land in and that is my journey I am faced with with starting chemotherapy today. Hard to believe.
I think back on the first week or two that I was diagnosed and I have moved on from that numb place of shock. I am able to believe that I have cancer, but somehow my mind has made it just what IS now, instead of the big bad monster that word con notates. It helps me when I want to relate to the bigness that cancer is is if I think of a dear friend, or my sister having it. Many emotions than arise, but if I bring it back to me, I am just going through the motions.
I have absolutely no idea how today will be. Down to the simplest unknown of how they will access my port. I wonder if my skin will make a popping noise as its accessed or maybe not. I wonder if the chemo will come in one of those cylinders that the radiation for my various scans came in. Or will it be a simple IV. I don't know if I will be ravenous coming out of the treatment or if I will have the 'metal' taste in my mouth that everyone mentions.
I ate a big breakfast today, and am filling in this morning at my real esate business since the secretary is out of town. I thought it would be better, however crazy it is, that I work here today until around 1, instead of sitting at home worrying. Well, it doesn't really help. I am at the office, still worrying, because Cancer is Always WITH ME. It is all consuming. Some of you that don't understand this will think, "jes, move on think of something else." I am sure there are those of you out there. This is the first time in my life that it is impossible for me to seperate myself from my disease. Maybe it is because I have never had a disease before. Maybe like a woman that has not had a child before. She thinks she will act in a way for this particular event or if this or that happened. But then, she becomes a mom and finds that she acts totally different. And then there are the mom's that get to have a few kids. And again, she finds herself doing something she never thought she would.

So, today, at 2:20 I check in for my first chemo. Something I never thought I would do. Funny, the day I got diagnosed, as D and I drove to the hospital I told him, " Okay, I am going to treat this totally alternatively, this is my body and I don't want you to tell me that you think that I shouldn't be doing what I am going to do. I am going to drink mothers milk (as this in Europe has been effective for treating many cancers), and I am going to treat myself alternatively." He was so sweet, to agree with this request. By the time I left the doctor's office, I realized that my cancer if treated JUST alternatively would very much be sealing my envelope of death. So, here I go. Into a zone that I never thought in a million years I would be entering and I am nervous, excited to start killing the cancer that is floating in my body, and anxious. I am almost ready to jump! Almost.

Workin' Girl

I have been putting my head together to think of ways that I can work, but that will not tax me. Of coarse, the work horse that I am, I have found myself some work already. I am going to fill in at my Real Estate desk when the secretary needs to leave for this or that. I have started booking massages, which I am excited to do. But for those of you that are clients, I spoke with my surgeon's nurse today about the reality of getting lymphadema. No one knows if I will get it or not, and that is something I will live with for the rest of my life. The things you have to be careful to not do are repetitious stuff. Massage is foreful and repetitious, so who know's. I am going to do a few a week to start out and watch my arm and under my armpit like a hawk.

Degrees of Vulnerability

My entire life has been spent being a go-getter.  I am an empowered women that was taught by my Nana and my parents that anything I want I can get.  Anything I can imagine, I can do.  With that being said, I hope you all understand how incredibly hard it is for me to walk around in a meditative existence right now.  I am slow, I am blurry, I have no control over my destiny, I have had the floor that I believed with my whole heart, body, and soul to be one that I created out of visualization and magick, vanish with one sentence, "Heather, you have cancer."  I feel like I am a kid again, playing a game of dodge ball in PE and some dumb boy threw the ball as hard as he could at my stomach.  I wasn't fast enough to catch it, and I am down on the floor with the wind knocked out of me.  

But this time, instead of getting up on my own for my own self-respect, I have to ask for help. This is the hardest thing, today.  Or should I say this morning, since I am getting my hair whacked soon and that will then be the hardest.  I have to ask D to pull the clothes out of the dryer and carry them.  I have to ask him to make the bed.  The simple motion of taking our heavy blankets and doing that fluid motion to get them to lay flat is not even possible.  I can't open a jar of pickles, or do a push-up.  Not that I did many of those regularly anyways.  

To look on the bright side, I have the luxury to be vulnerable right now.  I have an incredible husband, sister, Dad, and mother and father in-laws that are an incredible support group for me.  Not to mention all of my friends, so thank you everyone.  If I didn't have anyone and I spent my life so far doing everything on my own and not having the knowing that I can stop and ask for help,  I wouldn't be able to feel what it feels to be vulnerable. 

I hate, I mean I hate answering the question, "What can I do for you?"  The little athlete in me that can and does do everything on her own, now needs to say, "If you made us a meal that would be helpful."  This happens daily to us, and I feel so embarrassed with my reply.  I know it allows people to help, and that is great.  But that means that I am not going to be cooking all the meals each and everyday.  It means that I have to ask for help, sit back, and open my heart to receive. This is hard for me.  But this is the medicine my heart and soul has needed.  I think we as women spend so much time, some of us since we were kids with our younger siblings, giving and nurturing.  We forget about ourselves.  We power through life and in doing so we don't get a chance to be nurtured.  So here's a perfect opportunity to do about ten years worth of counseling, in an expedited year.  I wonder what I will be talking to my therapist about when I am done with this?  I will finally get to tell her I understand now what she was trying to get me to see.  

Heather, it is okay to be loved and to be open and to be vulnerable.  You are still the strong women you were before.  Now, you are stronger.  You have felt the people around you pick you up and carry your weight.  

My vase is deeper now.  I will have more to give back!  So watch for me!  Public speaking, here I come.  

Triple Negative

I am scared today.  There are a few different kinds of breast cancer, and the kind I have is called Triple Negative.  They don't know what it feeds on and because of this they don't have anything other than chemo to treat it with.  I am scared that mine won't respond to the chemo.  I am afraid that it will come back.  If it does come back, which my TN have the highest 2 year recurrence rate, chemo probably won't work.  See, the other cancer's can be scary too.  Her2Nu grows/feeds off of the growth hormone, which makes it a faster grower, than Triple Negative.  But the Doc's have found that a adjuvant therapy of Herceptin works to keep that hormone level low.  Or if you have a positive tumor for either Estrogen or Progesterone than they'll give you some other drug to keep those levels down.  You would steer clear from foods that have a lot of Estrogen in them, ect.  

But I don't have anything like that.  Its chemo, Baby!  And that is it.  I am scared.  I don't want to keep telling D how scared I am because he is scared.  He has to shut down a little because its just to much.  It is too much to live in the future and to worry right now.  I just keep hearing my Oncologist say two things, #1, " We just know your cancer is bad, real bad." #2, "That's bullshit, and cancer is curable."  So, they are the opposites sides of the bar and I feel helpless.  *ucking helpless.  I am scared, I could cry, but D just walked by.  I need to stay in the present moment and just whistle along, D's whistling right now, and let go.  There is absolutely nothing I can do, so back to what Dad says, "Worrying isn't going to change a thing."  Or my friend Sarah writes in a song, "Why worry, when you can pray."  Worry?  Because I could die from this.  I could.  

I think the shock is wearing off.  I am in the angry stage right now.  A stage that I won't be in when I am logging off of this site.  Anger is not good.  Okay, its past. A deep breath took it away.  I am so sad.  The roller coaster is a hard one.  Self-indulgence is cruel, yet necessary right now.   

Washing my hair

I feel awesome today!  I missed the fireworks as I couldn't keep my head looking skyward for longer than a minute or so.  I was bummed, to say the least.  But today!  Watch out!  I have cleaned the stove, washed the cabinets, done the dishes, swept the floor, took a shower (even shaved my legs) and I noticed that under my right arm its a little numb.  That will come back, as nerves take a while to heal sometimes, but no big deal.  I put on my favorite white jeans and a white t-shirt and I am feeling summery!  D is sitting next to me on the coach watching a documentary on records.  This is actually quite interesting, these collector's keep talking about that they hoard all these records because they're into the music, but they have millions of records. Its about collecting, this film is hysterical.

D is still in his robe and I can't wait to go attack the city!  I want to go cut my roses and bring them in, but I want to talk to my Oncologist.  Should I not cut roses anymore?  What if I get stuck and my arm gets lymphadema?  How long after surgery should I wait to cut those roses?  If I was a careful person I would go cut them.  But I am not.  I am again, like a tornado or Tigger.  Did I mention I did all that housecleaning in a matter of minutes?  I am quick.  That is how I prune my roses.  So I always get pricked.  

The sky is shining and I am feeling good.  I am going to try to not think about my breast cancer today.  If I do, I will move on and pass it by today.  I need a break.  Tonight we are going to Vashon to watch this comedy thing.  We both need to laugh. 

Thinking all day about this

I want this blog to touch peoples hearts, to bring awareness, and to keep my loved ones in touch with my journey.  That being said, my earlier post today was one that I did not write but I found on another survivor's blog.  It is negative.  It is intense, and it may very well make many of you that do not belong to this club think that I am heading in a wrong direction with my healing.  I chose to post this, first and foremost because it is how I feel.  I have had many things said to me on this short time on my journey that hurt because people care and want to ask things.  But the questions are so insensitive.  So I posted this to help protect me from questions that are NOT needed nor helpful.  To be helpful to you all that are in my daily life wether it be in person or in email. 

Everything is uncomfortable.  My life is on hold, and I get to watch from a distant room everyone living their lives, fretting over all of their goals being met or not.  I can feel peoples fears now more than ever.  And it causes these uncomfortable questions from pouring out of their mouths.

I know I will be okay, wether I make it through this or I find myself coming into this world as a new little being with new parents, I will be OKAY.  Life is beautiful.  I am blessed to have such a wonder filled adventurous life so far.  I have LIVED and LOVED deeply.  I am not scared about my journey or how hard it will be because I have so much love and support around me. Although this changes from second to second.  Yes, to answer many of these questions, I am scared, so badly that I have to force myself probably 40 times a day to not think about it, otherwise it becomes debilitating. 

I felt like it was important to add this post because as of about two weeks ago I got SICK of hearing everyone TELL me I am going to be okay (just as sure of themselves as if before I got cancer, if I had asked if they thought I had cancer, they'd all say NO; well guess what, that was wrong), especially if I kept a good attitude.  Attitude has nothing to do with this.  And it has everything to do with this.  I guess I posted this to help protect me when and IF I get really ill from Chemo and people ask me questions that hurt and I don't have the energy to nicely respond.  This sounds so melodramatic, and I've resisted saying this but, I am going to be fighting for my life.  And it is insulting to me to have everyone tells me I am going to be okay.  Like I shouldn't go through this horrific experience of treatment and just trust blindly that I will be Okay.  

No one knows if I am going to be okay.  That is why I have to do Chemo and Radiation, for a long time.  No one knows 100%.  But what feels good is when people ask me, "what can I do?"  or any uplifting, " Your a fighter, you have strength."  Oh!  I just thought of a good one.  It's kind of like if your little son/daughter was about to play a game of baseball.  You wouldn't say, "You are going to do Okay."  You'd say ( or at least I would say), " Go get 'em tiger!  You have a slammin' swing."  Or, "You can catch every fly ball." 

Just being real with me.  Imagine you puking in a toilet bowl and what would you want someone to say to you?  I would like someone to say, "Here is a warm cloth to wipe your face with."  So, that is why I posted someone else's thoughts as they are how I feel at times.  I just want to help you all be kind and thoughtful with your comments or questions or concerns as I KNOW you WANT TO BE.  I mean really, if you haven't had someone with cancer in your life, how do you know what to say?  I sure didn't when my friend Jody was going through this with her mom.  I sure wish and regret I was there more for her.  I love you Jodster!!