Where to start

I was just contemplating where to start my post, and I looked down at my mouse pad on my laptop, and there is a sign of the times. An eye lash, small like one from my lower lids. I don't have many left down there right now. My tear duct surgery I think didn't work. I am feeling really discouraged the past few days. I have been in bed for days now, trying to get strong. Just walking down to the kitchen to get water is a big deal. Sometimes I'll lay in bed till I am out of my mind thirsty and then I'll muster the strength to get some. But back to the damn tear ducts. I am wiping them constantly and as I type my right one needs to be wiped as its getting blurry, of coarse I'll wipe the left one as well. Sure enough, both had big tears in 'em. I see my eye doctor on Tuesday for another follow up. I am going to ask him to tell me if it worked. Its been almost a month now and I'd think I wouldn't have to be wiping my eyes constantly. I have nightmares during my waking day dreams of being that lady that has to have a tissue with me constantly. I don't and can't be that woman. I'm an active girl. I keep holding onto the fact that he told me that 90% of the surgeries work. So...they're still healing! Right? Well see on Tuesday.
I had a good day finally today. I was not sick to my stomach once.
I'm still not eating that much. Which leads me to yesterday. D and I took a walk in our six inches of snow that blanketed our streets. When we were out I had him take a picture of me. When we got home I asked to see it. Holy Shit. I am so fat right now. My once thin face with high check bones is now one round face with absolutely no facial detail. I was so sad for a while. I just keep going back to being thankful that my Onc told me I'd probably gain 20 pounds, and I am glad I spoke to other thin survivors whom told me they gained 20 pounds during treatment. So, I have a rolly polly face right now and its hard to look in the mirror.
Speaking of mirror. I look in the mirror but generally just look in my eyes and notice the wrinkles that are etched under my eyes now (they were not there when I got diagnosed). I think all this wiping away of tears is causing wrinkles!!
I have a new favorite TV show. The secret millionaire. To end on a happy note. This show I would hope is invoking in Americans across the (gotta wipe my eyes again) country to help others in whatever capacity one can. Before Breast Cancer, I thought about volunteering at schools to teach kids to read. But I never followed through because I let it not be a priority. I let Heather and her busy life be a priority. Since I was diagnosed I have had a burning desire and prayer of how I can best help those with cancer, when I am done with my treatment. There are so many ways, and believe me.. I lay in bed thinking of this many hours a day. I have a few good ideas, and I can't wait to start giving back.
If everyone of us helped give back in some way, that truely touched others hearts, it would change America. Canada, France, wherever you live. It would change the world. It would put the love out there and our hearts would have a chance to connect with others in a "real" way. This show makes me cry, but everything, and I mean everything makes me cry right now. OH! I've turned into one of those, criers! It makes me laugh.

Today's the day..

Well...today is 6 of 12! Tomorrow, I can say I only have 5 chemo's left. I can't wait to be done. My eyes the past couple of days have been a constant river of tears. Not tears from emotional outcries, but from the scar tissue that is not allowing them to flow correctly. My right eye is especially puffy, reddish purplish bluish from the checkbone to the lower eyelid. It burns and so I called the eye specialist today. He is only 1 of 8, and is considered the top specialist in state. So, if you know any kids that are going into the medical field tell them to go into the Ophthalmology: Oculoplastics field. Anyways, so he wants me to come in and see him today. I am hoping there is some kind of cream he can give me to help the skin not be so inflammed. Cross your fingers for me.
+++++

I've been weighed in at my doc's office. I am now sitting waiting for him to come in and tell me my counts are good and to send me up to chemo. Folks.. I am in disbelief. My onc told me I'd probably gain 20 pounds from the chemo. The nurse today, said they don't know why woman gain this amount, but just that it happens. I have officially gained a whopping, stunning 16 pounds. Its not like I am laying around eating Bon~Bons.
I am sick about it. SICK!! I can't wait till this is all done, and I can start exercising like a freggin' maniac. 16 pounds. Wow!

Tear Ducts and Nails

This is going to be a gripe session. I am going to start off on the lessor of evils. My nails. They hurt. Each session they get darker and darker and the cuticles get more and more swollen and I am hoping that they can hang in there and not fall out. It sucks, and it hurts and I am getting sick of it.
The other crazy thing is that my eyes have been tearing constantly for about a couple of weeks. Luckily I mentioned this to my Onc and luckily he knows that this is not a good thing, and luckily he referred me to a eye specialist. I saw him today, and indeed my particular chemo, Taxotere that I am on causes a weird thing in the tear ducts. For some reason it accumilates in the tear ducts more than anywhere else in the body and causes an inflammation in the tear ducts (no wonder my eyes have been hurting and burning~the chemo is in my tears). Left untreated, it would cause scar tissue that would form on the tear ducts, and I'd have to get tear duct replacement surgery, a glass tear duct. But, luckily all the luckies that were mentioned above happened, and I have tear duct surgery on Nov. 25 to open the tear ducts wider so that the tears can get through them.
I am sick of feeling gross. My stomach always hurts, kindof like having the flu but with a little pain that goes all the way up to my mouth. My throat hurts because I have a sores in it, and my mouth feels like there is cotton stuffed into it and my tonuge is almost entirely numb now. I get bloody noses constantly and I am really really sick of this.
Water used to taste like poison, now it just doesn't have any taste, except it hurts to swollow cold water because of the sore in my throat. It hurts to type today because of my fingers. Luckily the two tastes that have a faint taste still are savvory and sweet.
With the lack of taste you'd think I wouldn't be that excited about Thanksgiving. But I am. My mother in law, Brianna is coming, as she always does to our house and we all pig out for a couple of days. I am really excited. I was going to try to cook on Tuesday the 25th and the morning of the 26th before chemo. But now, I have that surgery and so, I think we'll just be cooking all day on turkey day.
I hope I feel good on thursday, turkey day so that we can make a really yummy feast.