Falls call

What a whirlwind of a summer. I find myself this fall, having random flashbacks of events from last year. Like yesterday, I was speaking with a friend who has taken a role in my life as a Great-Aunt, and we were talking about the West Seattle Junction Halloween party for young kids. And suddenly I was taken back, to hanging out in my office in West Seattle, at Keller Williams with my friend Kristen and her young daughter. I was too sick, too weak to walk around with them., so I just hung out in the office and watched all the youngsters in their adorable costumes. I was so sick. Ugh! I had lost my hair and I was just trying so hard to "do" something that day. Its hard to not cry thinking of that time. I would not want anyone to go through that. Ugh! I got through it. I am and we are stronger than we can ever imagine. Which brings me to the other day at my Acupuncturists office.

As I laid on her table with all the needles in me, the lights were turned off, and I went into the Savahsana mindfulness, and my Spirit said to me, "Hi, Soldier. There you are. You can relax now. You are safe. Be still." And all I did was weep. But then the needles started hurting so I stopped, LOL. I realized in that moment, that yes, I have had to be a Soldier to get through this. A fierce soldier. A fierce athlete. A fierce everything. Its time to be softer on an energetic level now. But the Soldier keeps fear at bay.

I have been wading through the feelings of fear the past few weeks. Slowly since my ritual, it has begun creeping up and flittering about in my psychic fields. I am safe, in the present moment. That is all we ever know, right? My three month appointment is coming up in a few weeks, but I have been a little panicky so I am going to see my Onc on the 4th instead. There has been a little lump above my scar and he felt it three months ago. But I have felt it again, and it freaks me out. I need him to just do a biopsy of it, so I can let go of any fear around it. Its one thing for him to say its scar tissue, and yes I did just have a free and clear Mammo and MRI, but still...there's no problem with double checking, or for that matter triple checking.

Where the fear also comes from is my initial doc missed my lump. She dismissed it as just a cyst, or whatever it was she thought because she never told me. She simply hesitated over it, and kept going and then said I was good to go. She was the first lesson I learned in that Doctors are just people, practicing medicine. And it is up to us to be our own advocates and I want the lump/scar tissue biopsied, end of story.

I honestly 100% believe the acupuncturist is going to get my moon to come back. My ovaries felt really warm for the past few days, and I just have a good feeling about it. She told me to eat lots of meat, and to stay stress free. Of coarse the Cancer ND's tell me stay away from meat. And my Onc tells me, no red meat, but to eat anything else...except sugar.

Which brings me to my newest thought about this NO sugar diet. Okay...so..if cancer feeds on sugar because it runs faster than anything else in the body. So when you have a sugar spike it jumps on that and has a feeding frenzy like a shark to a nice bloody tuna head. But....that shark had to be in the water in the FIRST PLACE. Just having the bloody tuna head does not cause the shark to suddenly be made and plopped into the ocean.
You are following me right? Eating Sugar does NOT cause Cancer to begin. If I have cancer still after all that chemo and radiation then I still have cancer, in its microscopic form. And the sugar will just cause the cancer to speed up, but not create it in the first place.

So....that is my newest thought.

Sleeping alot

I have been going to sleep around 8:30 for a while now. Last night, the Amazing Race was on, and I fell asleep watching it. I have just been exhausted. I slept pretty well last night, woke up around 2:30, drank some water, and then fell back to sleep until 6 AM. I woke up with tons of energy, so I made a beef stew. Today is absolutely gorgeous and I am wishing my blister wasn't having such a hard time healing. I think now that I am lowering the steroid dosage, that my WBC count is getting lower, possibly. I just don't understand if it was high why it got so infected. As, I have had neosporin on it constantly with clean bandages. I wish the rollerblading blister was healed, so I could go bladding again today. Yesterday, I took my first 2 mile walk down to the beach and back. There is a huge hill that I walked briskly up, but had to stop a couple of times and catch my breath. It felt so good to walk up a hill, to feel my heart beating, and to feel the strength in my legs. My leg muscles were actually a little sore, not noticeable, but just a little, "hey, were here," feeling.
I am beginning to have fleeting moments of feeling my athlete in my rise again, and she dreams about the day I can go for a run again. She thinks of just running down the block and then doing lunges home. : )


****

I took another 2 mile walk today down to the beach, but this time I didn't have to stop to catch my breath. Its amazing how sore my tibialis anterior's were! Ouch!! My body is waking up and being sore!

Pride in the aisle

Now, that Heather (old and new) are trickling back, I get bursts of her. This was a beautiful experience, so here it goes:

Super Bowl Sunday. Grocery store is packed because I walk in around 1. I have lost so much weight that I am now fitting in my old stylie clothes that I love. At one point D, asked me to try on my favorite woolen jacket and I told him no way. It was just another one of those symbolic things for me, I have/had lots of them. I didn't want to contaminate my favorite jacket with any chemo memories. Like when I was a kid, I had my favorite pair of jeans. I was convinced, that if I wore those jeans I would never get into trouble at school (I was a little, just a wee bit tasmanian devilish, or should I say hyperactive). So, again, for those of you that watched the Golden Girls.......

Picture it, Sicily, 19...

I was standing there, wearing my new jeans, wearing my favorite jacket, standing tall in my favorite cowgirl boots (that they too weren't aloud to come out of the closet the past 8 months), holding a dripping package of meat in my bare hands. This chemo brain mixed with the mayhem at the store, I forgot to grab a plastic bag to put it in. Of coarse the line was hellish long and the longer I held this meat in my bare hands, the more it warmed up and began to drip.
As I stood there an old feeling came across me, and I had to welcome her back. Pride, worked its way from the earth all the way to my head. Christening every square inch of my body, and as it traveled upwards, I felt how it affected me in different ways. I suddenly stood taller, I felt taller, I felt pretty, I felt grounded, I felt self-assured, and.... I felt the blood dripping in my hands. Now couldn't Pride had waited till I didn't have a chuck roast dripping in my hands? I laughed out loud at how ridiculously funny this was, and I was so happy to be feeling Pride again. It was beautiful. I haven't felt vanity arise in me yet, not like that. I just can't wait until I have hair, heck even a few more eyelashes, to look in the mirror and see my beauty again.

Yesterday, was the most amazing day I have had since I was diagnosed, June 2, 2008. I woke up feeling incredible, and I actually had the energy to give four massages. I started at 11:30 and got home just in time for LOST. What a gift it is to be a healer in this life. My favorite parts of doing a massage, is meeting people in their world, getting them to a place of relaxation whether that is talking to them until they are blue in the face, or not talking, but then the end. Everyone is quiet and I just rock them as if they are my babies. I love them as if they are my babies and they are the most special, special beings in the world. I thank their spirits and channel all the love that exists in this world into them. Now, how could any day be better than that. What a gift this craft is.

Bored out of my mind...

Today has been totally uneventful. Even my blood pressure is low because I am so relaxed. Its hard to say how I feel because I am not doing anything. My bathroom is about four steps from my bed, when I get back here I can feel my heart thumping. But other than that, that's the amount of movement I have. Maybe when D gets here for dinner, we can take a short stroll. My highlights are ordering food every four or five hours. I have had 3 meals here so far, and I must say I miss egg and toast, and all the variations of it I've come up with.
D came earlier for a few hours and is going to come back. I am so bored. I have a great view out my window. I could probably go home today, but am going to take my Onc's recommendation and stay the night. I feel guilty that I am not going to do my open house tomorrow, I found someone else to do it. I just have to let go and not worry about anything. I am still not "connected" to the fact that my heart has tons of water around it and that I am in the hospital.
My nose is totally raw inside and it hurts. It feels like I just had chemo the other day. I think its because my counts are low and my body can't heal itself right now. Which makes me want to get out of this sicko place sooner than later. I have bouts of feeling nauseous today.
The good news is that I think my nails may not fall off. Well just have to see. They all have a good amount of new growth and I am hoping that the parts that have come up from the nail bed just get pushed further to the end and I just clip it off and I get to keep the nail on. Oh! I am bored out of my mind. Just when I start feeling like I "need" to do something, guilt rushes over me that I am in here laying around, and then I have to check in with my heart and than I realize I need to just be and do nothing. MOre than anything that is why its good that I am here. I have a hard time sitting around doing nothing when I am home.

Upside to technology

Wow! Swedish rocks! That's Swedish hospital for those of you that are out of towners. I just picked up the phone and ordered a huge meal. All I've eaten today was an egg on toast (of coarse.haha) and then I went to do the Bone scan. Which turned up AWESOME!!! Of coarse!! But back to the meal. So I went right after that to see my Onc and he was not so happy about what was happening. He said when I asked him how often this happens, and he said, "once in a career." So I am pretty sad about this. I have a considerable amount of water around my heart. So, they wheeled me on over to the main hospital and I sat here in my scrubbies and had tons of tests, and watched the clock click...for six hours before I saw the Cardiologist. I was begging for food. And finally I was given the okay.

It seems that when I first started talking to the cardiologist he wanted to do the tap right away, tonight he said. But then I asked if I'd be knocked out, and what the procedure is. He said no, i'd be awake, given a mild sedative so perhaps I wouldn't remember it. But I would need to lean forward so they could stick my lining of my heart sack with this needle and aspirate it. Well, from the look of horror I think he started back paddling and soon he story changed to just giving me an anti-inflammatory drug for a week and seeing how I respond. What it seems to me, is that what he said is that there is no way to find out if this is from a viral infection, if its from the taxotere, and then the other that my Onc has ruled out from cancer. So, its possible to find out by testing the fluid they pull out of its viral, but also this might not be able to come to a conclusion.

I'd rather not do the needle thing. It sounds traumatic.

So I just ate this huge meal, and then the nurse came in and said, "eat some more." I guess the med's their about to give me can mess up my stomach. So they want lots of food in there like you would IBproferan. I am going to sleep here tonight and wait for my Onc to get me out of here tomorrow morning.
Luckily D brought me my computer. He doesn't like hospitals at all, and was pretty squirmish until he left. I have become immune to this whole thing.

I feel sad and shocked and overwhelmed about this whole thing though. I almost start to cry and then I don't. Our house closed today in the midst of all this. I have been pretty stressed out with it. The buyers lender was a nightmare and so it was not a smooth closing.

So, I guess I get to go home and if I have any sudden light headedness, more pain in my chest, ect..then I am to call him again. I want to get out of here. The smells and cleaners remind me of getting chemo and make me sick.
I am off to watch TV and listen to my roomate snore. I wish this wasn't true, but I like hospital food. I know its gross. But I do love it

***

I just read this and I know it is all over the place and may not make sense. Its just how I feel right now.

15 down, 1 to GO

Today was another wonderful day. I jammed as much as I could in a few hours before I had to go to chemo. I wasn't looking forward to it at all, knowing full well that I will be ill for the next few days. The degree of illness is always a new adventure with each chemo. Last chemo, though I had three wonderful days, I was really really sick right after my session. Lets cross our fingers. The other thing that is never constant, and has no rhyme or reason are my blood counts. My friend Tamara asked me what does it mean to have low counts? Her question made me realize that I may not have explained this. Before each session I have to have my port accessed and they stick a huge freakin' needle into the middle of the port, which doesn't hurt at all. Once they've done that they draw blood and check for my White Blood Cell, Platletts,and another one. I forget right now. So far, all my cancellations have been due to my WBC's being too low. Although for the past month my Plateletts have been very low. Today they were really low, but not low enough to cancel.
Anyhoo, so the blood counts are off of that test. Today for some reason they were 4,800 which is good for right now. Last week they were 3,600. A normal person not going through chemo is around 7-10,000. When they cancel my sessions my counts have been in the low 2,000's.
So, I am done with chemo number 15, and only have one left. I am so excited. I have officially gained 29 pounds. I just stood on the scale, in sheer disbelief. It really did take me a few seconds for me to realize that that was right. I stood there getting my numbers wrong. I just can't believe it. I have been eating super good the past month, and not super good in a bad way. Super good in a egg and toast for breakfast, a sandwhich with a fruit for lunch, bake potato and veggie for dinner. Maybe some chicken, on a few days. But that's it. It must be tons of extra water in my body right now.
I haven't said this because I have been hoping and am still hoping that its just some weird infection that isn't causing phlegm in my lungs. But for exactly a month, when I lay on my side my lungs hurt. And I mean hurt. They hurt so bad that I have to cough and cough. It happens when I sleep, but mostly when I wake up in the morning. All the usual sicky things are not happening to me. Today, after four weeks of me telling my Onc this, and me not coming up with a cold, he ordered me to have a CT scan of my upper chest and abdomen. Last night they hurt so bad (I'm a side sleeper) that it woke me up over and over. He thinks its very strange and says that its almost zero percent that I'd develop cancer in my lungs while I am getting such high doses of chemo. Nevertheless, its a scary thing that is happening and on friday I am getting the scan. We'll see what's going on and at least I can sleep with painful lungs knowing that there isn't anything in there that is hurting them. Maybe its just a strange side effect from the chemo, or the sheer weight of 30 new pounds squishing my little lungs. Which seems to be the culprit, I bet!

What a difference

I hate to say it so early in the day, so I'll knock on some virtual wood, but today is a good day. I feel good, and my little hummingbird is waking from hibernation. She isn't buzzing yet, but at least the tears I cried yesterday just because I never thought I'd feel her again, are not needing to be shed again today. I woke up and ate some breakfast. I even had the energy to make it myself, and then I drove to my realty office and did a bunch of work.
I am home now just about to eat a potato and some broccoli for lunch. I have to be careful eating too much of the same thing because then I get sick of it and it makes me want to puke. I've been eating lots of broccoli and brussel sprouts lately, and potatoes but I am beginning to not like them. I think today will be the last day to eat them.
I am wearing my new clothes. Ones that aren't tight around the mid-section, arms, or legs. I feel pretty. A feeling I haven't really allowed myself to indulge in the past few months. Its funny how my inner spirit feels one way and then I look in the mirror, and see a totally different person. I guess this is how my Nana might feel.

Off to chemo

Well...today number three. Tomorrow, I can say, "Just two more!" I have been pretty weak all week. I went grocery shopping, stopped by my office, and got really sick just being out. My eyes are still flowing with tears. I am getting really sick of it. And starting to worry that the surgery didn't "take". I worry about snowboarding for instance. With gloves on, goggles on, and the cold weather, it would be very difficult to wipe my eyes so I can see to snow board!
I am afraid my counts are super low again, and he might cancel my chemo today. But maybe not, it seems I am always wrong about these things. Food is all together gross right now. The idea of eating just makes me sick to my stomach. I usually wake up starving and have what I am going to make for breakfast fixed up in my mind before I get out of bed. The past few days, I can't eat until around 10 and then its a small amount before I start getting sick. Right now I have eggs boiling, that sounds good for lunch.
D is taking me to chemo today. I will post a picture later if I feel up to it. I want pic's of the last three with me getting the chemo and me holding up my fingers. The count down is on!!

****
Chemo did get cancelled. I am back in bed now. My blood counts are so low that he said if they get any lower I could end up in the hospital. So...now I will be done January 7th. I am so bummed. I begged, I mean begged him to give it to me. Will see if this week ends up being a good week. Last break I had was such a disappointment that I am not getting my hopes up.

Tear Ducts and Nails

This is going to be a gripe session. I am going to start off on the lessor of evils. My nails. They hurt. Each session they get darker and darker and the cuticles get more and more swollen and I am hoping that they can hang in there and not fall out. It sucks, and it hurts and I am getting sick of it.
The other crazy thing is that my eyes have been tearing constantly for about a couple of weeks. Luckily I mentioned this to my Onc and luckily he knows that this is not a good thing, and luckily he referred me to a eye specialist. I saw him today, and indeed my particular chemo, Taxotere that I am on causes a weird thing in the tear ducts. For some reason it accumilates in the tear ducts more than anywhere else in the body and causes an inflammation in the tear ducts (no wonder my eyes have been hurting and burning~the chemo is in my tears). Left untreated, it would cause scar tissue that would form on the tear ducts, and I'd have to get tear duct replacement surgery, a glass tear duct. But, luckily all the luckies that were mentioned above happened, and I have tear duct surgery on Nov. 25 to open the tear ducts wider so that the tears can get through them.
I am sick of feeling gross. My stomach always hurts, kindof like having the flu but with a little pain that goes all the way up to my mouth. My throat hurts because I have a sores in it, and my mouth feels like there is cotton stuffed into it and my tonuge is almost entirely numb now. I get bloody noses constantly and I am really really sick of this.
Water used to taste like poison, now it just doesn't have any taste, except it hurts to swollow cold water because of the sore in my throat. It hurts to type today because of my fingers. Luckily the two tastes that have a faint taste still are savvory and sweet.
With the lack of taste you'd think I wouldn't be that excited about Thanksgiving. But I am. My mother in law, Brianna is coming, as she always does to our house and we all pig out for a couple of days. I am really excited. I was going to try to cook on Tuesday the 25th and the morning of the 26th before chemo. But now, I have that surgery and so, I think we'll just be cooking all day on turkey day.
I hope I feel good on thursday, turkey day so that we can make a really yummy feast.

Sores

I am not a doctor, but this whole thing make me think I know just enough to make me lethal to myself. Haha. But seriously, I think that I don't have a sore throat from a cold but from a real life sore. It hasn't gotten better in over two weeks, and has even gotten worse. Drinking water (still tastes like poison) absolutely brings a grimace to my face. It hurts so bad. My doctor said I don't have an infection in my sinus and that its just a sore caused my the chemo. So..that made me think today after I could barely swollow water and thought, hey! Maybe its a sore. It hurts to breath because the sore in my throat gets aggravated. So...maybe I have a cold because my counts are too low or maybe I have a real life sore because my counts are too low and the chemo is attacking my mucusy areas. Oh! fun. I just hope that it heals this week now that I have a week off.

Feeling Icky

Today was a good day. I went grocery shopping and layed around most of the day. I made zucchini muffins. My first baking experiment with agave nectar. They turned out incredible and very tasty. Didn't miss the sugar at all and they didn't have a weird taste to them, like using Stevia. As the day progressed I started turning bright red again, my cheeks are burning in fact. And I feel like I have the flu. Hopefully tomorrow is a good day. My mother in law came down for the day and it was nice to have someone around giving my love pats.

Weekend gone where?

This weekend I worked doing massage and real estate all day long and into night. Old little worker bee Heather came out for a little dance. It felt so good to spend my time the way I did. Sure a camping trip sounds heavenly, but while I feel good I thought I should be working. I am so bummed that Wed is just around the corner. I sure hope this Taxorete is easy on me, as everyone seems to say it will be. AC was really really rough the first time and the second. But each treatment got easier and easier on me. I wonder if it was just that my body was so pure that it took doses of toxic shit to get into me and pollute or kill off everything in me? Maybe now, my body is just full of toxins and so its like no big deal when it gets a new dose of AC. So... I am hoping that is the way it is with this next chemo drug. Although it could totally skip the first one being sucky, that would be okay with me.
I am nervous about the steroids, since I have to start taking mega doses of them. I am afraid that I am going to get fat. Sure D says he doesn't care, but he sure does notice when I get big. I mean, its impossible for him to not notice. I am just really sensitive right now. Its hard to tell someone they look pretty still when I am bald, fat, and red as a beat.
I have been eating lots of fresh fruit and salads and veggies. My body has suddenly been "needing" all that. This makes me happy because for a while there all I wanted was comfort food. Three months is a long time. I am really nervous about this next set.

Word to all. Please call me and cheer me up if you notice that I am having a hard time in the next few months. I am worried that I won't have any good days and that it will be like a horrible run on sentence of pain and icky feelings. If this is the case, I'll need some good jokes told to me on a regular basis.

The only skirt that fits

I've ballooned up again. Its all water weight, I hope. My skin hurts, and I have no clothes that fit. The only thing I can get on my over my hips is a skirt that I put on over my head. I have been so hungry and I have to eat. The steroids make me. They send out this crazy hunger in me that paralyzes all will and I succumb as quickly as I'd imagine a tiny tot with a cookie in front of his/her face. In seconds. My friend Kristen today said, "its sounds just like when I was pregnant."
I didn't sleep again last night. I woke up at 1, at 3, at 5, and then at 6:30, each time just starving and I had to eat. Luckily my sister made lots of little meals for me, so I just would pop a little stuffed red pepper in the oven and eat it up before it was fully warmed. Or yogurt, or a peach...you get the idea. This morning I brought myself out to a nice breakfast, alone. On the drive there, I was so hungry. I didn't stop for a quick pastry, even though my mind was telling me that if this little french restaurant was packed and I had to wait I might go insane with food cravings. Like my mouth would start watering, the corners of my mouth would start to pucker, and I might eat the food off of a sweet little lovebirds table next to me. But I resisted, and luckily there wasn't much of a wait. I tried to disappear within the pages of the book that every girl in America has read, the one you know that everyone carries with them, Love, Eat, and Pray. I do like the book and her travels are fun, especially since she is almost obsessed with food as I am. That brings me an idea, I should read some real "foody" books right now. In fact, if any of you know of one please give me the title. Anyways, so life is about feeding the steroid rage as wendy my sis, and D call it. I hope its gone tomorrow. I have eaten and eaten and honestly this afternoon I am not as starved as I was yesterday. I am feeling much better today. In fact I just woke up from a nap. My body doesn't ache, I can see, and lord I AM MORE THAN HALF WAY FINISHED...with hell. I just have one more AC and then its Taxol baby.

Not sleeping

My sis and I grew up sharing a room. I was the neat freak and she was the one with the apple under her bed. Needless to say, one day I got the almighty Roll Of Duck Tape and made a line down the middle of our room. That way my weeble wobbly's and fischer price guys could be set up in constant play and I didn't have to worry about cleaning her side of the room. Last night or I guess still tonight, I slept in the same bed with her. I love her so much. This snuggly brought back childhood memories and a comfort that is only shared with a sister. I have been up off and on since 1 am. The first round, I ate a cup of Plain LF Nancys yogurt and now, a bowl of kick ass buffalo chili my fridn Nic brought by earlier in the week. Its so good. I am not sure if I'll be able to get myself to fall asleep again. The steroid induced weight gain came on again yesterday. My doc, (tink by the way) said its usual and I am okay. Even the very not talked about because I was afraid of talking about "crazy" things on her that the 6th day I loose my mind for about 45 minutes. I have to force myself to lay down and not to think because my mind starts racing faster than my other mind and I fragment. No worries with that, just a lovely side effect of the chemo and steroid use together. Both just working their way out of my sysytem. I am crossing my fingers that it doessn't happen this time again.
Over all this chemo was better than the other two. Yesterday was a bad day. I hope today isn't a bad day. My joints really really hurt and I had to take an ativan just to be able to handle the persistant *reaking pain last night. I'm supposed to take those every night, and I do, but I took it a little early. They are supposed to help me sleep. But they don't. As you can see. I watched the stand up to cancer thing yesterday. My sis and I held hands and she cried. I couldn't cry anymore. You know, the tears would have been "poor me" tears and my sis was doing enough of those for me that it made me feel good and empowered. Damn cancer. Wears that Fuck cancer hat. My little noggin is cold. I wear it around the house. Haven't been bold enough to wear it on the streets of West Seattle. I think kids hear that word enough. They don't need to see a bald lady wearing it on her head.

A bright Sunny Day

Seattle weather. The word that I could use to describe it in a positive light would be gloomy. What was with the almost tornado that hovered over Lake Washington the other day. Seattle? Despite this, I started feeling like my little Tigger self yesterday and D had to slow the little hummingbird down a few times. I get so excited now that I am feeling good that I get overwhelmed and start talking at lightening speed about things. If you could imagine. My life is kindof like my tongue.
People say that you can check out someone's tongue and see how healthy/unhealthy they are and I am starting to be a believer in that. When I do chemo, my life shuts down and so does my taste buds. They happen about the same day. Shit, even my eyes become blurry and I cannot see the TV or read for days. Can you imagine anything worse? I feel like crap, everything hurts, your mind is numb, you can't think, you can't remember where the toothpaste is and water starts tasting like poison? Awesome time! I mean, give me more.
I am laughing and I am joking, because I have exactly one week to do so. Laughing and joking is going to help me through this and you all get to remind me that I will soon feel better and the hell I went/going through is passing. So yes, the grey skies of the PNW are just like my taste buds.
But the good thing, is that I am drinking some delicious vanilla roobios tea right now and it finally tastes the way its supposed to and my heart feels like exploding with love again. What happens to the joy during chemo? What happens to my spirit? Where does it go? It feels like a grey cloud is injected into my port (my skin actually turns an ashen/grey colour during the chemo injection) and for a week "Heather" disappears. I have no control over that, nor do I have the energy to try to go and find her. She just goes away, far away and I feel like I am left with a shell of who I am. What animal do I transcend into? Let me think. A snail, with no shell. A...leaf that is at the end stage of rotting on the forest floor in early March? Yes, a leaf in March. That is what I feel like.
So today, is a good day. The little kid in me wants to sing lots of songs and happy songs at that. I want to look at all the blades of grass outside as if its the first time ever and ask "Why" a lot. I feel reborn and happy I have one FULL week of bliss ahead of me. One of my favorite bands is playing at Bumbershoot Saturday night, Band of Horses and I am looking forward to having the energy to trawl around like a salmon in the sea of people all day and night this Saturday with D. It will be fun.

My Belly's so Full!!!

First of all I have to explain my body's amazing ability yesterday to gain at least, and this is not an exaggeration of at least seven to ten pounds in one day. I woke up with my Dad and my husband all not wanting to say, "Holy shit! You got huge." But it was inevitable. I was. I was so sad all day yesterday. Nothing I put on fit. Nothing. Not even my blouses, they all were so tight in the back that finally I just put on a wife beater and sweats and tried to welcome that my very loose baggy sweat pants were now tight on me everywhere. I went to bed not feeling that great, and an incredible thing happened all night long. I went pee, over and over and over and over. I lost all that weight in one night from urinating. I have no idea if this is from the steroids or the chemo, or what. But I can tell you when I woke up this morning I was back to normal and even D noticed. Very strange.
Today has been spent sleeping and eating. I am what I would say, almost back to normal. This chemo session was totally different, like night and day from the first one. It wasn't as severe and I can say that I just drove for the first time up to get some Pho and I could do it without any strain. As I sat there eating the soup my very bald head started sweating and I got so uncomfortable I had to get it to go. Nowadays I can't eat big portions and it helps to lay down in between shoveling the food in the mouth. There is absolutely nothing sexy or attractive to having cancer and trying to get back to normal after my sessions. My stomach is a raging 18 wheeler truck that can't watch my normal "Food Channels" as I cannot handle the intense food cravings I get for anything I see on the TV. Although I can only eat small portions right now, I can eat lots of them. I just have to lay on the floor in between as if I am making a snow angel in the carpet and relax in between the stuffings.
I realize that I have only ten more days until my next session, and that makes me sick to think about. My sister is coming up for the next one. My Dad was an angel for this past session. He got me everything I was hungry for, including a blackberry pie that once he got it here I couldn't eat. THis post is all about food and the interesting thing is is that that is all that I can think about. Believe it or not, maybe its because I can't taste anything that isn't salty or sweet. Water is the most disgusting thing to drink right now. Even with two packets of emergencies in a 12 oz glass it still tastes like plastic. I have these cravings and they are usually not satisfied because the food doesn't taste the way its supposed to.

Raspberries

Yesterday, I got a pint of fresh local organic raspberries. I had read everywhere that I wasn't supposed to eat raw fruit and veggies and my doctor said that was balony. At least right now while my WB's are good. He told me to eat whatever I was hungry for. I asked him about one of my favorite, raspberries and he said sure. So, I am rinsing everything and have been enjoying eating whatever that I want. Until yesterday that is. I ate about 1/4 of the pint and gave up because they just didn't taste that great. In fact they were tasteless, they smelled good. I left them out on the counter for D to eat. Sure enough, he came around and ate them and said they were the best berries he'd had all summer. What? I didn't think, I mean would you, that my taste buds were gone? My tongue did feel coarser and yes, I got mouth sores the very first day (even with impeccable mouth rinsing after I ate-every single time~my skin basically just came off the first day, I know gross, but this blog is in detail) but I still have always been able to taste everything. I just couldn't believe it. The next thing that I noticed was our water. We just got a new fridge and D and I drank from it yesterday, as the water was filtered really well and tasted excellent. Well today, that was yesterday now, I can't drink water anymore. It suddenly tasted like plastic, so that is why I really wanted to go get those 10G jugs of freshly filtered water yesterday. I got home with that water, same thing. Some chemo patients say they have a metal taste in their mouths, and I am familiar with this taste due to the scans and injections with them. And this is why I was taken by surprise yesterday. I don't have that taste in my mouth. Yes, I am in a lot of pain in my mouth~and it doesn't really bother me because its the least of body symptoms right now, usually a little sore in my mouth would kill me, and last night they did keep me up a bit, but generally not a big deal. BUT plastic, tasteless fresh raspberries, plastic water. Luckily we have a lot of fresh mint here around the house so I put it in the water. D tasted it a few times for me throughout the day, as even with a huge sprig of mint in my glasses, the water still tasted lifeless.
I wanted to share my thoughts on losing my hair. For those of you that remember me pre-cancer I had gotten my hair so long, and just were I wanted it, finally. I was really, really sad to lose my hair. If you haven't read the hair posts, you may want to go back and recap, as I am not going to again. So, my hair is now in a pixie cut, and it took me a week of feeling the symbolism of losing everything in my life right now, to get over it. I love it now. All this week, I keep running my fingers through my hair, just waiting for the day that clumps start coming out. I kind of tug on my little short strips of hair between my fingers to see if they are coming out any easier, and to my delight they are holding firm. I am ready for my hair to come out though.
As ready as one can be. I am sure the emotional response to having a bald head will be deflating and sad, or maybe it won't be. There is absolutely no way for me to know how I will feel and what feelings will be evoked from the ritual shaving. Or from the looks I will get, you know the young precious kids that can't help but say something. My mom was a very large lady, and I got used to those remarks or the insensitivity of people "trying" to say or do the right thing my entire life. So, maybe I will be okay and used to it. There is also no way of saying this for me other than just bluntly, and those of you that know me, know I am NOT an ego maniac, but I know that I was blessed with a beautiful face and body in this life. I have never personally had anyone discriminate against me because of the way I look. Ever. If anything, my life is much easier because of my looks, and I have always known that. So, this will be my challenge that I am wanting to experience, and am actually excited for the growth. There may be days, that I write in this blog about how hard it is not having hair. And you all will have to understand, that I will be processing this growth as a person. So, this I am looking forward to.
I do not want to wear a damn wig. The wig is for everyone else. I HAVE CANCER. I am undergoing a debilitating treatment and everything in my life is gone, except for the love of my family and friends~which on a side note is incredible. The love that grows between a husband and wife through the trails of life-and living together is absolutely a great reason to sleep with one person for the rest of your life. So, yes, we all know I have cancer, and the wig is for everyone else. It is a costume that I am unwilling to act the part. I love more than life itself going to festivals and dressing up in various costumes and morphing into aspects of my spirit that I can explore. I am unwilling, thank god I've been in counseling since the age of 5~smirking again, to not wear a fucking wig. I am going to embrace this and I am going to go bald. I am going to have sunscreen, don't worry to all of you that are my mom's out there, and wear hats, pretty scarffs, and I am going to rock my electric blue wig if D and I go out on the town. For fun. I won't wear my blue eyelashes, because they say I can't, I might get an eye infection. But, I will have fun, or not and that is okay.

Quick before I change!

I am wide awake. Full of various chemo anxietities and a new burning sensation, heart burn! I thought I'd write know, just in case in the morning I feel like crap again. I think I feel like Heather, at least I do right now. The waves are intense. The pain is horrible. I am not wanting to mince words and i am sure you're all glad I am not. It hurts down to my core. Last night I asked G, if she could feel me shaking. She wrapped her arms around my stomach and said, No. But then I placed her hands on my leg and then she could feel it. It is like the booster shot, is taking grab of my femur, tibia, and ulna bones and just shaking them. The shake goes up into my stomach were it circles around my sacrum and radiates out and around my hip bones. Incredible uncomfortable. For the Julie, that commented the other day, child birth is a breeze after chemo, thank you for saying that. I can, and will get through this.
Yesterday, I had a bit of a cry with G and D outside, on our new beautiful patio. I just cried and cried. Not so much Why me? But How Me? What could I have done differently? Why not a coach potatoe? Why not, okay, yes, there was some Why Me, mixed in there. I just don't want to be spending my summer doing this. Treatment for six months, it is so wrong. Soooo, I cried, they listened, and they pulled me out of the mud and gave me a pep talk, both of them. One would let me get down, the other would pick me up, and then they would change. Tomorrow D, is heading up north to get all of our staging furniture for the house. His Dad, Roger and brother Kale will help him move all the stuff down here, and then spend the day setting up the house! Thanks you guys!! We wouldn't be able to have gotten this all together if it wasn't for you.
I will have two babysitters. I cannot be left alone yet. My day yesterday, but mainly my brain is simply not working. Or at least it wasn't about 3 hours ago. Now, 1 am, here you are and my brain is working and there is a hunger that is unquenchable. The steroids they give you for anti-nausea are, "Eat NOW!! You ARE HUNGRY!! ORR...Your Going TO VOMIT." So, I eat. Usually the egg and toast, with Wildwood Aioli sauce, but right now I am sipping on some very bland, delicious I might ad, veggie soup. All the veggies are from my friend Dave's Organic farm, in Eugene. The difference between fresh produce and store bought is huge!!
So, in a few hours my friend, Maryam from work, is coming over to watch me in the morning, as G has to leave back to Toronto. And then my other Tamara, is coming from 12-5. Then my old time friend Ann Leda an Acupuncturist is making a house call to me to give me a very needed treatment. The other day, my also very old friend Lyn Solander, gave me a massage I think the day before Chemo. It is all a blur now, as I am a wreck. A very tired wreck. If I go back into bed, I will just lay there, tossing and turning and THINKING! This sucks. Off to check email. Read the paper. Who knows. Hopefully I'll be a easy baby to watch tomorrow guys. I am not getting that much sleep, about three hours worth. Maybe I'll just sleep right through.

Meds and more meds

My very nice Oncology nurse said to me the other day, " Heather, you just have to let go of the alnertavive way in you go while you are doing this chemo. You need to stay up on the meds, you need to take them." I have found this to be true. No waiting, to see how badly I need them, because badly is going to come, and it is going to come rolling at m like a frieght train, a black one at that. I have med's that I have to take that make me unable to drive, to keep my nausea down, and that make it very hard for me to type and to read, or even watch TV. My eyes are pretty blury. This is a close second to the overall jest of not feeling well and achy. I am hoping today is a better day. We will just have to see. Everyday, I have walked with Gen down to the beach,sat and watched the ferries leave Vashon Island and then walk back up the hill.
Yesterday, I had to water a cedar tree, on my own accord. There was nothing I could do. I tired to get deep into the tree, but I am on so many med's right now, and drinking so much water (tons and tons) that if I did get caught, I would have first of all looked ill and very believable and secondly my excuse would have worked. If none of those worked, I am a girl. : )
As we sat yesterday, on one of our walks. One walk we drove down to Alki. We took a break on one of the benches and talked about coping. I am ready to come back to the copying side of life again. Copying, as in letting, and allowing myself to believe, and fall into what we as humans do. We use our various stretched out, enlightening, purpose filled, you got my picture reasons why and how life is so hard and how we get through it. I am ready to fall back into this. However much, getting a life threatening disease took this from me for almost two months. More acutely just being faces with my own mortality on such a deep and devastating level. I think its fair to start trusting in "things" again. We all have them. It is what makes us get up on the right side of the bed. Taking another med, so that I can get some sleep and deal with the nausea. I have to wake up, eat my new favorite bland meal of egg on toasted toast, and go back to sleep. Or is that, lay in bed and wait for the medicine to put me to sleep. This is all so foreign!

Long Walks and Steaks

My sis is here and we went for a six mile walk from my house, here in West Seattle down to Alki and back up the hill to home.  She kept stopping, and here I am going to have her type in what she thinks of that walk.

Wendy says, "It sucks walking with you. Especially going up all the hills.  You have breast cancer and your in better shape than I'm in, without breast cancer."  I loved that!  We had a great time.  My Dad had to go in today to see if he needed Angioplasty.  I think that is how you spell it.  I asked him last night if he was okay, and he said, "Sure.  I just wish I had time to have two more steaks."  For those of you that do not know my Dad, he could (he'd be uncomfortable) but he could have them in one seating.  This made me mad, which is my usual response to his indifference to his health.  But this time, he couldn't blow off my fury because I have something in common, and I won't let him get off this easy anymore.  I felt that this is a good thing to bring up in my blog because we all do things that we know we shouldn't be doing for our health. 

Not often in a child's life, do kids get to teach their parents lessons.  Occasionally that does happen, and oh, do I love it when it does.  My little chest feathers get in a furl over it!  Last night when he made the steak comment I said, "Dad, I have the same thing going on right now. I love to eat sugar, and I can't anymore.  Sugar is the Devil for Cancer.  I totally understand how it is to want something you know you shouldn't be having.  And it sucks.  But Dad, I have to stop myself. I have to have the strength to stop myself.  I have to stop having ALL forms of sugar."  

So, I know how he feels and I have more compassion for everyone that needs to be exercising regularly but doesn't.  But if WE want to live, we, as in all you, have to start putting the right fuel into our bodies and start working out daily.  Even if it is a walk.  It is much easier and funnier I will add, to have a delicious little cookie or whatever.  But I just can't anymore.  And Dad, you need to stop eating red meat!  

Onto another note.  I am getting my hair wacked short tomorrow.  This time tomorrow I will have had a short do for two hours.  Not looking forward to having short/bald hair for a year.  I am increasingly becoming more and more emotional or controlling or whatever you want to call it.  My fertility shots are boosting my estrogen levels sky freaking high so that they can harvest the eggs.  The Doc warned us of this, but I didn't think it would happen.  I still don't notice it happening, but poor D keeps saying, "Relax."  I guess it is happening.