Faith

I'm down in one of my favorite little towns in California, St. Helena. Today I met up with an old friend, an old friend that we have a deep spiritual understanding together. I would say, my closest friends and I share a deep connection in this way. He was telling me about a shoulder injury he has and that he is heading to Brazil to see a spiritual surgeon, or he'll have surgery in the states.

I looked him in the eye and said, "You are going to need to have real surgery."

He and I looking deeply into each others eyes, and he responded by saying, "I don't know why you are saying that. I am not even going to hear that. I am not going to take that reality on. I am not sure if you are saying that, Heather because Western medicine worked for you, and you chose to go that route."

I started telling him more of my story, and I'll skip most of what I said otherwise this post could be a book in and of itself.

But the jest of it, with lots of tears, was this:

" I lost my faith." To get to where I am now, to go through what I went through, I had to let go of it all. How was it, that I..ME..and again, I got cancer in the first place? I remember blogging about this, but one conversation that occurred frequently was this...some loving caring person (because they always meant well)would say, "You will be fine, Heather. You will make it through this." And I would get really angry inside, and say as loving as I could back, "I will be until I am not." And then they would say, "I believe that you create and bring to you whatever you believe. So be careful what you say." And I would say, " I never thought I was going to get cancer, and I did."

You see, this conversation is on FAITH. Faith in lord knows what. Those of you that are Christian could be upset I just used your lords name in vain. Or whatever religion. Whatever religion you are, any walk of life, in any part of this miraculous planet, we all on this planet are just trying to make sense of what happens in life, and to us. Through faith.

We pray, we meditate, we fast, we walk, we run, we do all these things to help us get through. Because life is hard, and life is challenging, and life sometimes simply does not make sense.

It is easier to put your faith out there, and allow yourself to believe that "some great entity's" will, will be done. For your own good.

I am a deeply spiritual person. And this was one of the hardest things for me, and still is. I realized that Faith, is Control. Control in the idea that we do make our own reality. That we are our own magicians. That we can pray to a deity/God and through our faith, "Let go, and Let God." But this is a form of control, as I see it.

I feel like all the praying, all the seeking is our minds just trying to make sense of all of this life stuff, in reality we have nothing to figure out. Life just is.

For me, I chose to surrender into the unknown. Surrender and in the surrendering I learned to love myself deeper. It all boiled down to that. Surrendering and Loving. In the present moment, that is all I had. I believe it is all we ever really have. The hippie in me years ago, used to say its either Fear or Love. But it really is, just Love.

I have a bumper sticker on my car that sums it all up for me, Love Wins. It does, and through this Love, I will come back to having Faith. Because I do deeply believe I am my own magician. And that I do create my reality. But I do also now believe, that sometimes, stuff just happens. And it doesn't make any sense, and no one can tell you why, or how, or even IF at the end of a long struggle, it'll all be worth it.

There is a sadness in this harshness. I cried a lot today, and have over this many times. Faith is what I have stood behind for years. A mask of faith, full archetypal images, and mysticism...but a mask all the same.

Contemplating Sources

I have enjoyed the soul searching of various forms of therapy since I was five. I love looking at myself, in deep ways. I highly suggest for you Survivors out there, to find a top notch Cancer specializing therapist. I find Janet Abrams is a huge source for me. She understands all the medications, all the emotional ups and downs, the fear, the joy, she can hear everything I say, and get it.
What I talked to her about last time is the walking on eggshells around myself that I have been feeling. How I find myself unable to cope with multi-tasking and dealing with life all at the same time since I got cancer. My plate feels full, and I long to be back in the game of life. Don't get me wrong, before cancer, my Dad said regularly to me, "There is no need to stress over it Heather, stressing over it will not change the outcome." Wise words, that I knew would sink in later in life. Like a lot later. Like, as an old lady...a lady in my 60's. A wink, and a hug to those of you at this glorious age ( I now wish, and hope I make it to that age).
So, I got cancer. And lived in the present moment, and got finally what my Dad said. I had to know live my life like that. Do not stress over anything. What will be, will be. I am not a God believer. So, to me, trusting that God will would be done. And even if I was a believer in The One Way, I would not believe God's will would be to have my immune system, that dreaded day be overtaken by cancer.
Okay...so where was I? Oh, yes...back in the present moment. So, here I am presently filled with the now known understanding and fully integrated new way of living of living in the present and taking life as it may. And find myself struggling over how to be done with cancer, how to get a divorce and move gracefully through it, how to be single, how to buy a car, how to do it all on my own, how to run a successful real estate business, and how to run a successful massage practice. There is a lot of juggling that takes place. My massage practice is in peoples homes. So I drive around all day, and in between appointments I am seeing my real estate clients, and or talking to them on the phone. Real estate on its on is incredibly stress provoking. And then I find myself working until 10 or 11 at night again, and look at myself and say, "Now Heather, this is not taking care of yourself." I get that, really I do now.
Besides cancer, besides my health, I am still Heather. And Heather, loves to work. Heather, loves to work and be busy, and I love everyone so much. What more is there than a life of service. Well, that is until I get to be a Mom, and serve them (a blessed day indeed).
I'm straying again. In therapy I looked at my stress and why is it, that when I see a simple text message or get a call, or hear my sister mention something, or how at any moment I find myself not being able to deal? I literally, have freak out inside, and start the process of calming myself back down. ( I have learned how to do this, at least).
I kept picking up my phone during the therapy session, unbeknownst to me, whenever I said the word, STRESS. And finally, I said Why is it that I keep picking this thing up? And then, I had my Ahhh-Hhhaaaa moment. My mind went back to that day, to that phone call. To those words.
Heather, you do have cancer. You need to come down here right now.
Oh, right. And then, I had everything go wrong, and then more during my treatment.
All the worst case scenarios were MY LIFE. For the first time in my life.
I have grown, in the past year and a half, to expect the worst. That the worst case scenario is what very well may happen, and I have been living with that. I have been living on Eggshells since June 2, 2008. That is along time.
Oh. Right. That is the root.
Now that I recognize this, I can heal it.

A rat race in my head

I have so much going on in my head, in my heart, in my body, in my mind, in my everything. I am enjoying it all immensely. I enjoy it all so much, that I get overwhelmed and then I cry. I need to start writing here more often again, because I need to process stuff.
Today was an all day doctor visit day. I saw my Cardiologist and he thankfully has started the steroid taper, tomorrow I go from 20 mg to only 10, for a week. And then to 5 mg's the following thursday. I am excited to start this process. Nervous that I will have another reoccurence, but hoping that doesn't happen. He said he wanted me to wait to start excercising until Monday. I told him that I am finally feeling better. Its taken almost two months to regain my body energy from the last attack. Pretty incredible really. I kept thinking I was all better, or back to normal, but weeks later, I can tell you that I feel totally different than I did a few weeks ago, and am totally ready to start exercising. I want to start going to boot camp, but he said wait a bit longer. At least until Monday, so that I can if I do have pain in my chest, know what caused it.
Then I went and saw my cancer therapist, and talked body stuff. Good.
Then I gave a massage.
Then I went and had my yearly eye exam. Got the eyes dilated, and didn't bring with me a pair of sunglasses so drove around with those instant unfold plastic wrap mock sunglasses. Funny.
Then...I went to see my Oncologist and waited in the lobby for an hour to get in, and got my first Tumor marker test, and another chest x-ray. I am of coarse nervous, about the whole base line thing. I am nervous and afraid that my cancer will come back some day. You know, I am so young. I am only 34, so what if it does? That's the base fear, right? I can try to be in the present moment, and do that well. I really do. I found myself asking Kaplan all my questions, and then looked at him, and said, "Really, does any of this matter? REally? What I really want to say to you is, will my cancer ever come back, and will we catch it early, and will I live?" That is the core of it all. I am scared. I want to cry. And I do cry. I have a long life a head of me, and I just don't want to ever go through this again.
My body is starting to come alive again. For the first time since chemo, I have had to start bathing everyday because underarms are starting to say, Hey! We are here!! Not in an offensive way, but soon, I am sure I will need deoderant again. Kaplan said he they don't know why the body does all these strange things, but thumbs up that my body is starting to work again.
My house sit ends tomorrow, thank God!! Phew! I can't wait to be home and to dig my hands into my garden. This miserable spring is not helping my veggies grow. I desperately want to do a fast, and cleanse my body in a super serious way. But need to not do that. I know this. I need to wait to till I'm off all these drugs. Which is the same answer I got when I asked K when I can get my port out. I need to wait to get off the steroids. They inhibit healing.
I'll get my tumor marker tomorrow. Supposedly it will be my baseline. What if its high already? I was just a stage 1, so I calm myself down and tell myself my chances are super low. But then again, my chances were super low initially and I got it. Shit happens.
Which brings me to the obvious that we only grow in hard times. I've been thinking of this idea, and am not sure I agree to it yet. I have grown deeply in and with love, so not sure if I agree to this. I of coarse have never grown as deeply as I have this year. I was telling my cancer therapist today, that I need to bring my old self up to par with my new self, and I told her I was afraid I might forget all that I learned. She said that was impossible. I think she's right. How lucky am I that I got to learn all that I learned this year, at the age of 33 and 34? I am serious!

Laying in bed with my new world

As I am coming to the end of my miserable chemo treatment so many things rush through my mind. Like I remember when I hadn't started chemo yet, and I was listening to a select few women and their chemo stories. I luckily told myself to stop comparing my possible journey with theirs. Luckily I did that. Because this has been hell. I will never mince words with that. From the cellulitis to the weeks in bed because I had to be in bed because I've been so sick, there is no playing nice guy with my experience. The depth of pain and agony I've gone through has stripped away any old part of me that wasn't compassionate. I have such a renewed, almost child like innocence of wanting to help and be there for women who are fighting for their lives. That is what I have been doing the past six months.
If I hadn't done this, I would have surely died as being a Triple Negative and the aggressiveness of this particular breast cancer is tenacious. So yes, I have been fighting to live and that is what has made this worth it. Would I do it again. Probably not. I have been dreaming of the day of just being in Maui with friends and giggling on the beach. Its been a long time, since I have felt like truely giggling. Laughing. I laugh now a days, but its always with a twinge of disgust of sickness that is lingering.
The depth of sadness is outrageous. I have had to push aside the sadness on many levels just to be able to deal. Knowing full well that it will need to be brought into the center of the room when I am done with all this treatment. I think that is why I cry so often throughout the day. Because I simply cannot address its complete source and depth and so I have spurts of it slide down my checks. I opened a book that my friend Deena brought me the other day called, the victoria secrets catalog never stops coming and other lessons I learned from breast cancer. I devoured it in a day, and cried and bawled the whole time. There are so many cancer books out there, but to read a book with similar views as I have hit my heart, with a powerful punch.
Since the beginning of all this, and my main reason I've been blogging is to help me post treatment and heal myself by writing a book. My book, I want it to be deep. I want it to have funny things in it like, 1. make sure your accupuncturist cleans your skin before sticking a needle in your arm-so that you don't get cellulitis. A list of things to watch for. A list of cures and a list of things I liked to eat. By far, the most palatable meal is egg on toast. Luckily chemo never made me sick of it. Now when I am all done, who knows.
I am still numb. I know I only have a few weeks of not feeling good left, and perhaps just one more week. But I can't quite think of all the things in the book because I'm still getting through it.
One thing I've learned is that even in the loneliness of being with oneself in one's agony, its easier to pick up the phone and cry to someone and allow someone to see my vulnerability than pretend I can take care of it alone. Its hard being a woman and needing to receive, actually being forced to accept food, accept a book, accept a hug, accept tender words, accept a hat, accept anything without giving something back. I have learned through this acceptance to love myself deeper and to open myself up to love in such a profound way. I have more limits now. Where as before I'd lived my life for others, I now have spent six months thinking of basically myself. And that is a good thing now. Whereas before, I would've cringed with the though and I would have never said it out loud.

Picking up the leaves

Today was a big day, and this will be a long post. Where to start?

I was on the island today and during the massage I was giving I felt my athlete in me. Doing massage, I always have felt her. As, occasionally I (unbeknownst to my clients~now you guys know) I put myself into a yoga posture to stretch as I am doing massage moves. What happened to me when I got diagnosed was that my life imploded. I let go of everything as everything, and I mean everything fell apart and to the side. All that I had ever thought I'd known, disintegrated. Even my athlete. Although I have called on her during my treatment, I haven't connected with her yet.

I think I have to start with yesterday before I go further. Yesterday, as I watched Ellen Degeneres ( I am now a TV holic that loves, and I mean loves all these TV shows, so funny to me) so as I watched her, I got up as I was feeling well enough to do exercises for the first time since I was diagnosed, in a serious way. Every commercial I did lunges, squats, calf raises, tricep dips, and crunches. I felt great doing it and but I didn't say hi to my athlete. I just did the exercises.

Fast forward to today, my calf's were a little sore and I felt supported by my body, by my athlete. Back again, during the massage, I looked in the mirror as I was doing a massage stroke, and said hi to her. And in that moment, I realized how far from her I was. I checked in with myself, and there was the base emotion of anger. But when I looked closer, I was angry that she, the athlete had forsaken me. I mean hell, I have exercised religiously my whole life. She let me down. She let me have cancer. She, oh, the tears started. Not heavy, as I was working, and this all happened in a matter of probably two minutes. But it was deep. I realized that I had to forgive her. I had to forgive my athlete/my body for giving up. For not fighting off that fucking cancer. And in this forgiveness, of really myself, I had to recognize on a deep level that she wasn't at fault. But that I had been pissed and disappointed in her efforts. I had been let down and that we needed to come back together. I needed to forgive her. So, during that massage I welcomed myself back to my athlete/my body.

I told her that I am ready to do those yoga postures again, and to feel my body again, and to risk loving my body again. Risk, thinking and ultimately believing that if I love my body by exercising I will live a longer healthier life.

I was ready to feel again. So, through the few eyelashes I have the tears got heavy, and I wiped them away and I was whole. I went for a three mile walk today around the Burton Loop. There is a flat stretch along the way, and my athlete in me said, "Why don't you run that half mile, Heather." So I did. I felt my lungs rise and fill with air, and felt my body get warm again. I was in touch with my breath. I was and am, alive. I caught the cancer as early as I could. My life is in the hands of what I agreed to as I entered this body. I am learning from all of this. I am growing and learning to love myself in a deeper way. And that is all I can say.

I am ready to start doing yoga again, and start feeling my body again. I am no longer afraid of her. I am no longer angry with her. And I am no longer disappointed in her.

Choices

Today, D and I went to our friends child's first birthday party. It was a lot of fun. Everyone there had kids and I couldn't help but notice. The days of being in this situation and having it absolutely KILL me are long gone. Today I just got to notice it and thank god that I am not a mom with breast cancer. I did have fleeting moments of being pissed that I have cancer and that I am dealing with this. I wish I could have chimed in with the other mom's bitching that I haven't slept and how hard being a parent is. Instead, I got to sit back and reflect on how much I will cherish those anguished moments. Life is forever changed and being forced my nature to step my child bearing years aside is yet another lesson I get to learn right now.
As I was at the party I also got to reflect on choices and how we each get to make them all day everyday. I get to decide each day how I am going to react to things and wether or not I am going to empowered or be victimized. I of coarse, having a mother that taught the victim thing very well now how that choice isn't me. You can see the victimized a mile away. The whoa is me, people. I mean people, wake up. Live YOUR life. Dare to ask for what you deserve. Dare to believe that you are the magician in your life. Dare to trust that people are there. Cancer has really taught me this even more. I mean, I have had to dare to ask people for a helping hand. To ask for meals to be delivered the Mondays after chemo. The hard part after asking, is RECEIVING. That is hard and for most woman even harder. So, today these are the little (big) lessons I get to reflect on and cherish. When I am all better, this Heather is going to be a stronger Heather. I will not sit back and take no for an answer with the things in my heart that are dear to me. If no is the answer, then I need to move on and make it so that Yes is my answer. Yes, because life is too short to be wasting time on brick walls. Life is too precious.

Raspberries

Yesterday, I got a pint of fresh local organic raspberries. I had read everywhere that I wasn't supposed to eat raw fruit and veggies and my doctor said that was balony. At least right now while my WB's are good. He told me to eat whatever I was hungry for. I asked him about one of my favorite, raspberries and he said sure. So, I am rinsing everything and have been enjoying eating whatever that I want. Until yesterday that is. I ate about 1/4 of the pint and gave up because they just didn't taste that great. In fact they were tasteless, they smelled good. I left them out on the counter for D to eat. Sure enough, he came around and ate them and said they were the best berries he'd had all summer. What? I didn't think, I mean would you, that my taste buds were gone? My tongue did feel coarser and yes, I got mouth sores the very first day (even with impeccable mouth rinsing after I ate-every single time~my skin basically just came off the first day, I know gross, but this blog is in detail) but I still have always been able to taste everything. I just couldn't believe it. The next thing that I noticed was our water. We just got a new fridge and D and I drank from it yesterday, as the water was filtered really well and tasted excellent. Well today, that was yesterday now, I can't drink water anymore. It suddenly tasted like plastic, so that is why I really wanted to go get those 10G jugs of freshly filtered water yesterday. I got home with that water, same thing. Some chemo patients say they have a metal taste in their mouths, and I am familiar with this taste due to the scans and injections with them. And this is why I was taken by surprise yesterday. I don't have that taste in my mouth. Yes, I am in a lot of pain in my mouth~and it doesn't really bother me because its the least of body symptoms right now, usually a little sore in my mouth would kill me, and last night they did keep me up a bit, but generally not a big deal. BUT plastic, tasteless fresh raspberries, plastic water. Luckily we have a lot of fresh mint here around the house so I put it in the water. D tasted it a few times for me throughout the day, as even with a huge sprig of mint in my glasses, the water still tasted lifeless.
I wanted to share my thoughts on losing my hair. For those of you that remember me pre-cancer I had gotten my hair so long, and just were I wanted it, finally. I was really, really sad to lose my hair. If you haven't read the hair posts, you may want to go back and recap, as I am not going to again. So, my hair is now in a pixie cut, and it took me a week of feeling the symbolism of losing everything in my life right now, to get over it. I love it now. All this week, I keep running my fingers through my hair, just waiting for the day that clumps start coming out. I kind of tug on my little short strips of hair between my fingers to see if they are coming out any easier, and to my delight they are holding firm. I am ready for my hair to come out though.
As ready as one can be. I am sure the emotional response to having a bald head will be deflating and sad, or maybe it won't be. There is absolutely no way for me to know how I will feel and what feelings will be evoked from the ritual shaving. Or from the looks I will get, you know the young precious kids that can't help but say something. My mom was a very large lady, and I got used to those remarks or the insensitivity of people "trying" to say or do the right thing my entire life. So, maybe I will be okay and used to it. There is also no way of saying this for me other than just bluntly, and those of you that know me, know I am NOT an ego maniac, but I know that I was blessed with a beautiful face and body in this life. I have never personally had anyone discriminate against me because of the way I look. Ever. If anything, my life is much easier because of my looks, and I have always known that. So, this will be my challenge that I am wanting to experience, and am actually excited for the growth. There may be days, that I write in this blog about how hard it is not having hair. And you all will have to understand, that I will be processing this growth as a person. So, this I am looking forward to.
I do not want to wear a damn wig. The wig is for everyone else. I HAVE CANCER. I am undergoing a debilitating treatment and everything in my life is gone, except for the love of my family and friends~which on a side note is incredible. The love that grows between a husband and wife through the trails of life-and living together is absolutely a great reason to sleep with one person for the rest of your life. So, yes, we all know I have cancer, and the wig is for everyone else. It is a costume that I am unwilling to act the part. I love more than life itself going to festivals and dressing up in various costumes and morphing into aspects of my spirit that I can explore. I am unwilling, thank god I've been in counseling since the age of 5~smirking again, to not wear a fucking wig. I am going to embrace this and I am going to go bald. I am going to have sunscreen, don't worry to all of you that are my mom's out there, and wear hats, pretty scarffs, and I am going to rock my electric blue wig if D and I go out on the town. For fun. I won't wear my blue eyelashes, because they say I can't, I might get an eye infection. But, I will have fun, or not and that is okay.

Where have the hummingbirds gone?

My hair is cut and I'm not okay with it.  Please don't tell me its okay.  It is not.  It isn't about the hair and it is not about how people will perceive me.  I could careless if I am beautiful or not.  My body is what it is.  End of story on that.  I am pissed because this isn't the hair cut I wanted. I didn't want to have short hair.  I wanted to have long hair.  This may seem ridiculous to some. D hit the nail on the head when he said, "It just isn't the hair cut you wanted."  For me the sadness is because I have so many things being taken from me right now.  I do not have a choice.  

The west seattle street fair is this weekend.  Walking around up there is horrible.  I remember last year, how I felt at this little street fair.  I know that my usual little hummingbird self is happy and cheerful.  I just don't feel that way.  I feel like my spirit was crushed.  And THIS is what I am sad about.  I feel broken.  I don't feel sorry for myself.  I don't wish something was different.  I don't wish anything.  That is the problem.  I don't feel empowered.  I just feel blah.  I feel like my eternal fountain of happiness and cheer and ability to see the bright side of any situation as stopped flowing.  I worry that it won't come back.  I worry that D can feel this gloominess and I wonder if he will stop being attracted to me.  Not because of my hair, but because the spirit of the woman he married has changed. Has it changed forever, who knows.  I am scared of the depths of sadness and shock I am in.  

It could be a torrential downpour outside and that would be fine.  Even that is horrible.  I used to love summer.  I need to pull my head out of the self-deprecating, but its hard.  Because there is no normal to go back to.  Normal doesn't exist anymore.  Normal life is gone.  I am in a transition, but one that just realized I am in transition.  My little car light just flashed, need oil.  I still need to go to the store and get the oil (chemo) and then put it in and then hopefully that is all the car needed and I can start racing around town again.  

Family

When I hung the phone up with the first lady that called to tell me I have breast cancer and that I needed to come to the Breast Center right away, I hung up and called my Dad.  I told him that I knew nothing more than that I have Breast Cancer (do you capitalize this or not?  To me its EVERYTHING right now, and seems like it has earned its right to be so)  and could he call the family and tell them, and call my best friend that I grew up with Jody; her mom fought a long and serious battle with this evil disease, I knew she'd totally understand.  

The hard part with all of this is that my older sister, by nine years found a lump in her breast the week I went to my first Doc.  Her Doc's said that it had calicified, whatever that means.  Which makes this whole thing a bit scarier because my Nana got diagnosed in her late fifties.  We have learned this could be genetic, something I had only heard of and thought was for people on the news.   She went to the MAYO clinic and because my Nana is one heck of a good fighter it didn't come back.  Now didn't I just say that Jody's mom was a Scraper too? Its funny how we as a society believe if someone beats someone or something that they were the best.  With this Disease there are no "best" there is no such thing as someone who "won" their battle because they fought a good fight.  It comes down to chance, and how this silent killer is going to be in ones body.  Okay Heather, remember your young.  This is going to be alright.  Right?  Everyone keeps saying that to me.  Everyone.  I will be alright.  My new Mantra.  A young Survivor I spoke with on the phone this week told me a Mantra for her, This IS Manageable.  

I knew what she meant this week.  As I have had the most toxic stuff pushed through my body.  It has taken me two days to get over those PET/CT scans goodies.  Yesterday for my MRI I got a new kind of liquid contrast based with Gadolinium.  The bottle said it was FDA approved but if you have kidney problems I should tell them.  I was so elated when I left that MRI place.  Finally the sortof good news, that it wasn't in my bones, but may be in my lymph nodes under my arm sank in.  I was done with my Scans!!  Yippee!  Last night the three of us (my younger sister is in town), drove up to the Alaska Junction to have dinner.  I still do not have an appetite but D keeps reminding me that I still have to choke down some food.  Jokingly reminding me that he has seen me eat some big meals, and knows that I love to eat.  So we drove up to the Junction and it was packed.

We parked behind my office.  The office that I used to kick butt in as a Realtor and just last month sold 4 homes.  I felt a sense of something had been taken from me.  I had to let go of three upcoming listings this week as I just new the stress was immediately not going to work.  I love everyone in my office.  It was a little sad.  Oh, here comes that pity party again.  I have to remember my mom here.  A very religious woman, she'd just caste that devil out of here.  So, I will just caste those bad thoughts out of here.  Or was there that 80's commercial of, " I'm going to wash this, mmmm right out of my"  now this isn't a singalong you guys.  Dinner.  We walk up to have Sushi, my sis loves it.  By the time we walked just 4 blocks I was spent.  There was a line, and just four chairs in the waiting area that were full.  How do you ask someone to get up because I need to sit down.  Would I look convincing?  I am just 33 and look from the outside world healthy as could be.  My stomach started to feel a bit nauseous and the lady said it was going to be a half hour wait, we could write down our cell number and she'd call us.  

Usually this would be fun.  I could stroll around looking at the shops.  I usually find my eyes and heart wanting to go past this really cute kids clothing store, but not today.  I told D and my sis that I had to go home.  Let's just get something to go.  D walked back and got the car as we got Mexican to go for them.  I wasn't going to eat.  

No matter how old we are those sibling " I want what you have" passes through me still at times.  And dinner last night was one of those times.  I got what she had ordered and we drove home.  I feel closer to "normal" at home.  I am not around a ton of city people that are healthy all running around with their heads full of their to-do lists.  We tried to watch the newest Will Farrell flick, boring.  I instead wrote down my list of questions for my Oncologist.  I get to meet with him this morning at eleven.  This meeting is what woke me up early today.  I have a huge whirling Monarch butterfly family in there.  So many questions.  

One is that it seems like all these little glow potions have really sucked the soul from me the past days.  Is this normal?  Or since my body is so pure (like the word pure, I struggle for about 30 seconds trying to remember how to spell it) is this all going to affect me a huge way.  Not that I want him to treat me not aggressively because we need to.  I have at least 50 more years on this planet.  But maybe I will need more anit-nausea medicine.  Medicine I would never had agreed with.  Guys I think the flu shot is bad.  One of those things that is the pharmaceutical companies way of getting their pocket books into America.  So..when I say I don't take anything, that means nothing.  

My sis is sleeping on the coach.  She is really worried about her breasts too.  This sis is only a year and seven days younger.  My Dad says when we are around each other we become one person.  We talk on the phone at least once a day, usually more.  Yesterday before she came up here, she went to see her Doc about her breasts.  She graduates from nursing school next Friday.  I still don't know if I can drive all the way down to Eugene.  I don't want to miss it for anything in the world.  But right now, I can't imagine driving down there.  She said she doesn't want me down there if I don't feel good.  I think I will though, no more chemicals for a while.  She's decided to get a Mammogram and an UltraSound just to make sure everything looks good.  I feel bad for her.  She is so young and I know she is scared for herself.  My poor Dad had to face the possibility of my older Sis and I having it in one week.  I think a little too much for him to bare.  He has always said that one of the worst thing that could happen in life is if one of his kids went before him, "Parents shouldn't have to bury their young."   Dad, you won't need to.  Don't worry.  

Good thing he raised a little athlete.  This is where I plug sports, for all of those that think that playing sports is dumb, I will prove to you how more than a little game they all are.  One of the core strengths I am pulling from right now is my athlete in me.  I am SUPER competitive.  I can't even make myself play a game of freakin' dominos with D without being pissed if I lose.  So with this Cancer that I have, I have had to go this athlete that resides deep in me.  I've had to call her to action.  I acutally for the first time in my life have a true battle ahead of me.  The Docs and all of you are on my team.  But I am the leader, K. I'm laughing right now.  I'm not trying to be egocentric, this is just how I've made it in my head. And thanks D for being so nurturing in this way as to let me tell you I need to change the plans. I am now, for the first time in my life.  THE CENTER of it ALL.  I have to have it be that way.  If I am talking on the phone and need to get off, now I get off.  I just say I have to go.  If I need to leave the restaurant because I don't feel good, we leave.  

My mother in law came two nights ago.  I HAD to FORCE myself to relax.  She was here to help me (the night of the PET/CT's).  I kept going into the kitchen and trying to help her.  She gently said, "I'm trying to help."  I realized I needed to let go.  She can find the plastic wrap, she can find a glass for water for me to drink.  She made me an amazing bowl of potato salad, I can't wait to eat.  I think its time for me to take time for myself.  Luckily I am not a single mom who has to put food on the table.  For those of you that are out there, I shed a tear for you and how hard this is.  Is there a place in this amazing city, that people going through treatment like this single mom can have dinner and groceries brought to her at no charge?  I don't believe in handouts.  In fact I don't want to help anyone that can help themselves, as I see it I am just causing them to be further victimized.  But I do believe in helping people that can't help themselves and that are trying to be better/healthier Americans.

My little sis is gently doing some cute Zzz's on the coach.  How is it that we love so deeply.  What is it like to have a child?  This is something that all of you know has been a bit of a despair in my life.  I want them so badly, and waiting has been sucking my life from me.  Luckily, D was wanting to wait a few more years.  D, Thank YOU!!  But now, for the first time in my life, I can't imagine going through this with kids.  Mainly because of the unknown's at this time.  I can take space from friends and family but kids are always there just in that Present state of being being precious.  Just looking up at you with all the love that ever existed in the world, just beaming that love at you, yes..even when they are kicking and screaming, it shines through.  Shining through because they feel safe enough to kick and scream and develop into their little selves before your eyes.  What a gift this will be someday.  But that day now, is further from today than I'd hoped a month ago.  

I was offered by friends Lisa and Jack to bring their baby by for a play date, during my treatment.  This was the one thing that I knew I'd be calling to ask for.  With them here of coarse, but that sounds fantastic!!