This just happened, and its kind of funny...kind of. So I thought I'd share it.
I am sitting here in my comfy chair, drinking my homemade chai (fresh tumeric root, ginger root, tons of cardamon, cinnamon sticks, and black tea) and I ran my hand through my hair. Its soft I thought. So soft. Then I found myself saying out loud, "Are you kidding? I did chemo. I lost all my hair. I did 11 chemo. Then I did 33 radiations? Seriously? I did that?"
Showing posts with label HAIR. Show all posts
Showing posts with label HAIR. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Battle Wounds
September was a whirlwind and October is already half way over. Each day is filled with times of reclaiming Heather. Reclaiming her and integrating Heather. The new and old.
Like today, I took a five mile walk, as yesterday I went for a run and lifted weights so I was trying to be gentle on my knees. Strangely, my knees had a hard time for the first time ever, in my whole life. I realized that running everyday is not good and that I need to be slow with the running again. So, I'm trying to do every other day. On my walk, I noticed the fall leaves and the spiders living in their new spun homes. As I walked my brain had a flashback of last Autumn. How the very bald head seemed to find every unseen spider web and how happy I was this year to be blissfully in lala hair zone and not know about all the spider webs getting caught in my SUPER curly hair. The longer it gets the curls just get curlier. The phrase "chemo curls" seems to have been coined due to my hair! I am absolutely loving having hair. Each day, I bound into the shower to wet it, no need for shampoo yet, and rinse out the day befores product, and then put more on it. I love the smell and the ritual. My eyelashes are not fully in and that is starting to drive me nuts.
The other thing that I realized today as my friend felt my port stitches (the stitches we removed the other day), is that its a little rough. She mentioned that there is vitamin E, and whatever else stuff. I intterupted her and told her that I don't want to use anything. The hippie girl in me knows about all that stuff. I told her, that with all this cancer stuff I just don't want to use anything alternative. Not that Vitamin E is alternative. But I just DON'T want to use anything. The scar is what it is. Its rough. Its my battle wound. It helps as I run my fingers across it, to remind me that yes, indeed what I have gone through is and was real. It was rough. It will heal. It will move on. It will be whole again. Forever changed. Forever different. But it will be smooth again. And I don't want to pretend or take away anything from it. That is where my medicine went into my heart and healed me. I want it to be a reminder. For that delicious day that I am full of health and living the life that I get to live. That. One. Day. In. The. Future.
I had a dinner party at my house tonight. I made soup, Made a plum cobbler. I am eating sugar. Some would say, The Devil. I am not going to go without everything just out of fear. If eating plum cobbler, or drinking wine, or having a cookie makes cancer come back and kill me Some Day...then...it does. Who knows. We all are going to have to die. Some Day. Some. Day.
Life is full of those thoughts lately. That someday. There is a ton of sadness. I am full of sadness. Less tears. More just integrating right now. I am not as manic. I am sleeping. I am loving, EVERYONE deeply around me. Its interesting seeing who can take it in. Who cannot. How those that can't make me want to give more or to totally remove myself. Knowing full well, that in the end, it and none of really matters. Because of that some day. Those that are in my life now, will be..until they are not. Pretty simple.
I need to start writing my book. I am hoping for a respite soon. Loving deeply. Feeling deeply. Heart wide open. Loving myself a TON. Loving feeling alive. And loving those spider webs.
Like today, I took a five mile walk, as yesterday I went for a run and lifted weights so I was trying to be gentle on my knees. Strangely, my knees had a hard time for the first time ever, in my whole life. I realized that running everyday is not good and that I need to be slow with the running again. So, I'm trying to do every other day. On my walk, I noticed the fall leaves and the spiders living in their new spun homes. As I walked my brain had a flashback of last Autumn. How the very bald head seemed to find every unseen spider web and how happy I was this year to be blissfully in lala hair zone and not know about all the spider webs getting caught in my SUPER curly hair. The longer it gets the curls just get curlier. The phrase "chemo curls" seems to have been coined due to my hair! I am absolutely loving having hair. Each day, I bound into the shower to wet it, no need for shampoo yet, and rinse out the day befores product, and then put more on it. I love the smell and the ritual. My eyelashes are not fully in and that is starting to drive me nuts.
The other thing that I realized today as my friend felt my port stitches (the stitches we removed the other day), is that its a little rough. She mentioned that there is vitamin E, and whatever else stuff. I intterupted her and told her that I don't want to use anything. The hippie girl in me knows about all that stuff. I told her, that with all this cancer stuff I just don't want to use anything alternative. Not that Vitamin E is alternative. But I just DON'T want to use anything. The scar is what it is. Its rough. Its my battle wound. It helps as I run my fingers across it, to remind me that yes, indeed what I have gone through is and was real. It was rough. It will heal. It will move on. It will be whole again. Forever changed. Forever different. But it will be smooth again. And I don't want to pretend or take away anything from it. That is where my medicine went into my heart and healed me. I want it to be a reminder. For that delicious day that I am full of health and living the life that I get to live. That. One. Day. In. The. Future.
I had a dinner party at my house tonight. I made soup, Made a plum cobbler. I am eating sugar. Some would say, The Devil. I am not going to go without everything just out of fear. If eating plum cobbler, or drinking wine, or having a cookie makes cancer come back and kill me Some Day...then...it does. Who knows. We all are going to have to die. Some Day. Some. Day.
Life is full of those thoughts lately. That someday. There is a ton of sadness. I am full of sadness. Less tears. More just integrating right now. I am not as manic. I am sleeping. I am loving, EVERYONE deeply around me. Its interesting seeing who can take it in. Who cannot. How those that can't make me want to give more or to totally remove myself. Knowing full well, that in the end, it and none of really matters. Because of that some day. Those that are in my life now, will be..until they are not. Pretty simple.
I need to start writing my book. I am hoping for a respite soon. Loving deeply. Feeling deeply. Heart wide open. Loving myself a TON. Loving feeling alive. And loving those spider webs.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Exploding Love
I have always been a high energy girl! Like those of you know that have read this blog from the get-go, I never crawled and at 7 months I just got up and started running, and screaming of coarse! I'm still really vocal, and still full of energy. But not like the past few months. I'm not sleeping very well at all. I toss and turn and finally get out of bed in the middle of the morning. Thank God for my new addiction, FaceBook. I would described myself, and did to my Onc the other day as maniacally enjoying life. He said, " how about taking sleeping pills a few nights a week." I balked at that idea, but honestly its starting to sound appealing. I told him that I am taking 1/2 a one every few weeks just to get one night of solid sleep. He said he doesn't think I can keep going at the pace that I am, without sleep. That makes sense. No one could go for very long, even if they were a coach potato with the amount of sleep I am getting.
What wakes me is my little hummingbird just whirling inside of my chest and I find myself wanting to jump up and down on my bed with sheer delight! YOU GUYS!! I AM BACK, AND I'M FEELING AWESOME!!! This is possibly one of the most exciting times in my life. When I was married, I shut out all but a select few of my girl friends, and this summer being as my friend Emily always sings to me over the years when I am single, "free and single, she likes to mingle, she lovveess the part-y liiiffeee." Its true. Cancer, forced me to open my heart to all of my friends again, and now that i am all done, and single, they are all still rallied around me and I don't have a spare moment without one of them loving me up! So I get to love back, and be loved, and I couldn't be happier.
I find myself driving down the road and I start crying (a manic sign....who knows-maybe its a coming to life sign) because I am simply exploding with love.
I have not called (because I've been having too much fun) Dr. K's office to get my tumor marker numbers. They are of coarse good, other wise he would've called me. I have it in my to do on Monday, so that I can keep track of my numbers.
I told Dr. K that he should not refer anymore patients to the dip whit cardiologists I had been seeing. I told him my new one rocked, he agreed. He asked my what about her I liked, and I made him laugh out loud when I said, " You know, all the cardio's I had seen were just guessing, and telling me they were guessing. With her, even if she didn't know what to do, and even if she is guessing, she didn't tell me that. She allowed me to feel safe, and that I was in competent hands."
Which leads me into the thought I've (one of many-one reason I don't sleep) been having. There was a study done years ago, with children with cancer. The study did a visualization with the kids while they were getting their chemo that Pack-men were eating up their cancer. And then every night their parents would lead them through the same visualization. The kids that had this done, survived 50% more than the other kids.
Which made me think about how dip-whit cardio, who will not be mentioned kept telling me he had no idea how to treat me, and "this is where art and medicine come together", and a slew of ridiculous stuff. He freaked me out. He made me not be able to trust my body. I tried really hard. But honestly I felt like I was a walking time bomb.
Visualization is an awesome thing. And I just live my life like that. I always have. I think it started with sports. The night before a game, I'd visualize me playing, ect..It works. It does. Its time for me to start having faith in something again. This is kind of one of the hardest things for me right now. I am a deeply spiritual person. But this foundation of mine got shattered. I still believe everything I did, before cancer. But now, I also see that possibly all the faith and visualization in the world, still doesn't change one's Karmic path, or ones whatever. However, we as humans use words to make it okay to go through tough times.
The other hard thing is vanity. It was NOT hard losing my hair. When I did, I was in the beginning of a race, and I knew what was a head. I knew I had to let go of everything. But now, that I am done. Now, that I am starting to run again, and exercise, and laugh, and feel awesome, I want my long hair back. I am actually loving that its growing. But at the sametime, hating how short it is. And it is SUPER, SUPER curly. Its those chemo curls!
I'll leave you all with an exploding love for life, and go out there and do something fantastic just for you, today!
What wakes me is my little hummingbird just whirling inside of my chest and I find myself wanting to jump up and down on my bed with sheer delight! YOU GUYS!! I AM BACK, AND I'M FEELING AWESOME!!! This is possibly one of the most exciting times in my life. When I was married, I shut out all but a select few of my girl friends, and this summer being as my friend Emily always sings to me over the years when I am single, "free and single, she likes to mingle, she lovveess the part-y liiiffeee." Its true. Cancer, forced me to open my heart to all of my friends again, and now that i am all done, and single, they are all still rallied around me and I don't have a spare moment without one of them loving me up! So I get to love back, and be loved, and I couldn't be happier.
I find myself driving down the road and I start crying (a manic sign....who knows-maybe its a coming to life sign) because I am simply exploding with love.
I have not called (because I've been having too much fun) Dr. K's office to get my tumor marker numbers. They are of coarse good, other wise he would've called me. I have it in my to do on Monday, so that I can keep track of my numbers.
I told Dr. K that he should not refer anymore patients to the dip whit cardiologists I had been seeing. I told him my new one rocked, he agreed. He asked my what about her I liked, and I made him laugh out loud when I said, " You know, all the cardio's I had seen were just guessing, and telling me they were guessing. With her, even if she didn't know what to do, and even if she is guessing, she didn't tell me that. She allowed me to feel safe, and that I was in competent hands."
Which leads me into the thought I've (one of many-one reason I don't sleep) been having. There was a study done years ago, with children with cancer. The study did a visualization with the kids while they were getting their chemo that Pack-men were eating up their cancer. And then every night their parents would lead them through the same visualization. The kids that had this done, survived 50% more than the other kids.
Which made me think about how dip-whit cardio, who will not be mentioned kept telling me he had no idea how to treat me, and "this is where art and medicine come together", and a slew of ridiculous stuff. He freaked me out. He made me not be able to trust my body. I tried really hard. But honestly I felt like I was a walking time bomb.
Visualization is an awesome thing. And I just live my life like that. I always have. I think it started with sports. The night before a game, I'd visualize me playing, ect..It works. It does. Its time for me to start having faith in something again. This is kind of one of the hardest things for me right now. I am a deeply spiritual person. But this foundation of mine got shattered. I still believe everything I did, before cancer. But now, I also see that possibly all the faith and visualization in the world, still doesn't change one's Karmic path, or ones whatever. However, we as humans use words to make it okay to go through tough times.
The other hard thing is vanity. It was NOT hard losing my hair. When I did, I was in the beginning of a race, and I knew what was a head. I knew I had to let go of everything. But now, that I am done. Now, that I am starting to run again, and exercise, and laugh, and feel awesome, I want my long hair back. I am actually loving that its growing. But at the sametime, hating how short it is. And it is SUPER, SUPER curly. Its those chemo curls!
I'll leave you all with an exploding love for life, and go out there and do something fantastic just for you, today!
Saturday, July 18, 2009
My List of Happinesses
The little things that I am enjoying are:
1. Putting yummy stuff that smells delicious and sexy in my hair
2. Driving down the road and feeling the wind blow through my hair
3. Getting out of the shower and running my fingers through my wet hair
4. HAIR, HAIR, Hair
5. Enjoying that my hair didn't grow back in my under arms! Yes!
6. I just got my eyebrows waxed for the first time in a year
7. painting my finger nails, they are almost all grown back
8. Feeling healthy and strong
9. Amped on my innate strength and hummingbird self coming to life
10. tasting water again
11. tasting all foods, including pepper again!
12. putting smell good senses on my body
13. caring about how my hair looks : )
14. feeling vanity in my eyes when I look at myself in the mirror
15. seeing my cheeckbones
16. seeing my stomach muscles, barely, but I see them
17. fitting into almost all my old clothes
18. shaving my legs
The list goes on and on.
Some weird things that I have noticed is that this past week only, and just twice I get this chemo taste in my mouth. Its disgusting and makes me shiver. I also saw a husband of a wife who was getting chemo at the same time as me, and I almost got sick. I shook all over, ick!
I'm off to the island to lay in the sun and visit with friends, its the Strawberry Festival. Should be good times.
1. Putting yummy stuff that smells delicious and sexy in my hair
2. Driving down the road and feeling the wind blow through my hair
3. Getting out of the shower and running my fingers through my wet hair
4. HAIR, HAIR, Hair
5. Enjoying that my hair didn't grow back in my under arms! Yes!
6. I just got my eyebrows waxed for the first time in a year
7. painting my finger nails, they are almost all grown back
8. Feeling healthy and strong
9. Amped on my innate strength and hummingbird self coming to life
10. tasting water again
11. tasting all foods, including pepper again!
12. putting smell good senses on my body
13. caring about how my hair looks : )
14. feeling vanity in my eyes when I look at myself in the mirror
15. seeing my cheeckbones
16. seeing my stomach muscles, barely, but I see them
17. fitting into almost all my old clothes
18. shaving my legs
The list goes on and on.
Some weird things that I have noticed is that this past week only, and just twice I get this chemo taste in my mouth. Its disgusting and makes me shiver. I also saw a husband of a wife who was getting chemo at the same time as me, and I almost got sick. I shook all over, ick!
I'm off to the island to lay in the sun and visit with friends, its the Strawberry Festival. Should be good times.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Start Living
So much has happened since I wrote last. I wanted to write after my ceremony, but wanted to wait to get the pictures to upload here. But, I'm still waiting on those from a few other friends.
Where to start? I'll start from now and work my way back.
I've been selling a few homes this week, and its exhausting. I need a vacation desperately. I have been doing lots of massages, but this month I have kept my weekends free. This is nice. I feel good. I feel like a rooobbboottttt right now. I am so tired that its hard to think. I need to drink tea and wake up a bit.
Wednesday was a fun day. I went to all my doctors in a row. My eye doc, said that my left eye will continue to heal and he thinks will get better. I ordered some amazing eye lash stuff that has been proven to help eyelashes grow. I have been waiting on this one, but now that they are coming in so incredibly slow, and I want to use mascara, I thought I'd give this a whirl.
Then I went to see my Cardiologist, and he said no more steroids! Yippeee!! I was thrilled. And if everything goes good, I can stop taking all the other anti-inflammatories. I skipped happily over to my Oncologist, who was very behind that day. I waited for a long while to see him, and got in and spoke just for a few minutes. Everything is good. He said that tumor marker tests generally are all over the map. He doesn't want me to be alarmed if this one goes up to 14, that doesn't mean anything he said. The only thing he would be concerned about is if my tests steadily went higher and higher. And no, he won't wait to do extra testing if my marker ever reaches the 20's. Even though they usually don't worry until over 38, since mine was (and anything below 38, is considered cancer free) but since mine was diagnosed at 28, his antennas will go into high alert he said. So there you have that. Good to know. I am not afraid of that happening at this point. He graduated me from every month, to every two. I get to see him again in August. I told him about the whole kind of bleeding thing, and he ordered an ultra sound for today. He said that there could be a lot of blood up there and because of hormones it can't come down. If this is the case then he may want to give me hormones to trick my body into getting back to normal. I of coarse, hate this idea.
What is next on the list of taking care of Heather things, is for me to call my ND and start the cleansing process. I think this will kick my body into gear, naturally.
So, that was wednesday. The rest of the days are spent working. One of my massage clients said that she thinks I dove into work because I was trying to prove something to myself. That is highly possible. I also think that I've been laying around for so long, that once I didn't have to, I went crazy. Its all or nothing baby! I have taken the weekends off. And last weekend was my ceremony. I will talk about that later. Another post. It was perfect. Perfect. Perfect.
Where to start? I'll start from now and work my way back.
I've been selling a few homes this week, and its exhausting. I need a vacation desperately. I have been doing lots of massages, but this month I have kept my weekends free. This is nice. I feel good. I feel like a rooobbboottttt right now. I am so tired that its hard to think. I need to drink tea and wake up a bit.
Wednesday was a fun day. I went to all my doctors in a row. My eye doc, said that my left eye will continue to heal and he thinks will get better. I ordered some amazing eye lash stuff that has been proven to help eyelashes grow. I have been waiting on this one, but now that they are coming in so incredibly slow, and I want to use mascara, I thought I'd give this a whirl.
Then I went to see my Cardiologist, and he said no more steroids! Yippeee!! I was thrilled. And if everything goes good, I can stop taking all the other anti-inflammatories. I skipped happily over to my Oncologist, who was very behind that day. I waited for a long while to see him, and got in and spoke just for a few minutes. Everything is good. He said that tumor marker tests generally are all over the map. He doesn't want me to be alarmed if this one goes up to 14, that doesn't mean anything he said. The only thing he would be concerned about is if my tests steadily went higher and higher. And no, he won't wait to do extra testing if my marker ever reaches the 20's. Even though they usually don't worry until over 38, since mine was (and anything below 38, is considered cancer free) but since mine was diagnosed at 28, his antennas will go into high alert he said. So there you have that. Good to know. I am not afraid of that happening at this point. He graduated me from every month, to every two. I get to see him again in August. I told him about the whole kind of bleeding thing, and he ordered an ultra sound for today. He said that there could be a lot of blood up there and because of hormones it can't come down. If this is the case then he may want to give me hormones to trick my body into getting back to normal. I of coarse, hate this idea.
What is next on the list of taking care of Heather things, is for me to call my ND and start the cleansing process. I think this will kick my body into gear, naturally.
So, that was wednesday. The rest of the days are spent working. One of my massage clients said that she thinks I dove into work because I was trying to prove something to myself. That is highly possible. I also think that I've been laying around for so long, that once I didn't have to, I went crazy. Its all or nothing baby! I have taken the weekends off. And last weekend was my ceremony. I will talk about that later. Another post. It was perfect. Perfect. Perfect.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Summer is just around the corner
This year, I get to have a summer. I am one of those girls that absolutely loves to go to the beach, lay out in a bikini and lay in the sun. I love to sit out on my deck and read, watching the sun set, or as it will be in a little longer, the sun rise. The roses from the pixies and roses picture (down below) are just starting to bloom the past few days. I remember that picture. My sister drove up to Seattle from Eugene to hold my hand because that was the day I was brave enough to cut my hair from shoulders length to the pixie cut. I needed support. She took a good pic of me. Vanity is starting to trickle back in waves of fierceness. I am really sick of my pudgy cheeks and want desperately to see my cheekbones again. I think I've lost tons of weight the past few weeks, now that the steroids are lessened.
Yesterday I took my longest walk that I've been able to take in a long while, I need to get in my car and actually drive it to see how many miles it is. It took me a few hours, I'm guessing 8 miles. I'm not sore at all today, and I want to do it all over again. Especially since I can't sleep and I could leave right now. But I am going to force myself to take it easy today, because yesterday on the walk my lungs, both of them were kind of burning towards the end of the walk. They felt fine after my walk, and even right now okay to breath in deeply. I am sure I am fine. I am so sick of this leash I have around me, that I've been forced to have around me. Okay, a more positive spin, I sure am thankful that I've learned to slow down a bit and listen to my body. I actually don't know if I learned to slow down, but I sure did learn the listen to my body bit.
I am getting very excited for my party this weekend, and to be around all my family and friends. I can't wait to hold my sisters hand, and kick her butt at some board game.
Yesterday I took my longest walk that I've been able to take in a long while, I need to get in my car and actually drive it to see how many miles it is. It took me a few hours, I'm guessing 8 miles. I'm not sore at all today, and I want to do it all over again. Especially since I can't sleep and I could leave right now. But I am going to force myself to take it easy today, because yesterday on the walk my lungs, both of them were kind of burning towards the end of the walk. They felt fine after my walk, and even right now okay to breath in deeply. I am sure I am fine. I am so sick of this leash I have around me, that I've been forced to have around me. Okay, a more positive spin, I sure am thankful that I've learned to slow down a bit and listen to my body. I actually don't know if I learned to slow down, but I sure did learn the listen to my body bit.
I am getting very excited for my party this weekend, and to be around all my family and friends. I can't wait to hold my sisters hand, and kick her butt at some board game.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Shaving again
I am so excited to report, that I am needing to shave on a weekly basis. Soon, my leg hair will need daily shaving. Do you know what this means?? The hair on my head is also growing, rapidly I must say. When your hair is as short as mine every little bit helps. The clown do that I had is starting to fill in, around the crown of my head. I am not as worried about having thin hair on top of my head. It will fill in, it just may take a bit. I enjoyed getting out of the shower this morning, and spiking my hair up all over my head. I took a picture of myself to post here, but my face is so puffy right now, that I look horrible and I don't' want to post it. I can't wait until the puffiness is gone and I can see my check bones once again.
I am off to do a little real estate and then massages this afternoon. I'm feeling great, my voice is not back yet.
I am off to do a little real estate and then massages this afternoon. I'm feeling great, my voice is not back yet.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
I think I'm better
You know, when my Onc told me to get the utlra sound for my heart because he was concerned something else more sinister might be happening I told him, "I don't feel like there is water around my heart." The little hippie girl in me that like to believe I can just check in with myself and know what's going on has been teased mercifully since I got diagnosed with cancer. I had no idea I had cancer, and I had no idea I had two liters and a pint of agua in my chest cavity.
Today, I get to go see my Onc and get another chest xray and I am excited. I do not know if its possible, but I feel like I've lost 30 pounds in the past few weeks. I have slowly been ballooning up more and more, and know that I am done with the chemo for almost a month, and had the procedure to let me heart start working properly again, my body is just flushing out all the water weight I gained. It was so hard each week getting on the scale, sometimes in a week gaining 10 pounds. I wasn't eating any different than I normally would when I was on the last chemo drug, Taxotere. Now, the AC totally different story! Do you guys remember the every two hour wake up and eat steroid induced insomnia I as having. That was horrible. If I was a wealthy woman, and could have had paid a friend to stop her life to come and live with me during this time I would have. To wake up all those hours and be able to talk to someone, to make me food. : )
So today is chest x-ray day. They can't really ever tell me exactly how much water is in there, but last nights sleep was the best so far. I don't think I can remember waking up feeling my lungs hurt when I rolled on to either side. Yesterday was my best day, so far in months and months. I am really emotional and am crying a lot and that is just the way it is. I am not judging myself, the cancer took that one away. If I am in my office and something touches me, or if someone tells me something and it touches my heart I cry. I cry because life is so freakin' precious and people and their stories and my story just makes me cry like a four year old who doesn't yet know that sometimes in an adults life its not okay to cry. I am sure life will callous this gift cancer gave me, but until then, I like I did yesterday, start crying when my broker gave me a hug as I was leaving the office yesterday and cry myself to the car. Life is tough.
Back to the doc's I am also really really excited to get on the scale. If you guys remember the topping weight was an unbelievable 173.2 and I left the hospital at 155, and I am feeling like mmm...lets see maybe 147 now. I can't wait to see. I started out at 138, and am excited to get back there. What I am even more excited about it being 138, but being fit. Seeing my leg muscles again, and being able to twirl around like the tasmanian devil "doing" things.
The other thing that I've seriously started contemplating is borrowing my friend Leighs hair extensions. She's battled and now WON. (and she's just a wee bit older than ) throat and tongue cancer for 5 years. Well, she bought herself some very expensive hair extensions and I am over looking like I have cancer. Now that I am nearing the end of my treatment I want to look pretty again. She said I need to have a little more hair so they can put them on, and I am really excited about this. In fact, I've just for sure decided, I am going to do it. The lesson of going bald and learning how be different in this world was a very valuable thing for me. I got my feelings hurt on a regular basis. And then I learned that especially with the kids that just cannot help them selves from running over like in the grocery store and looking at me with a quadruple take for me just to say to them, "I know I look kind of funny without any hair." That always cracks a smile on their curiosity and they go off running in the direction of their parents. Maybe I learned how to deal with it, and maybe I just got used to it....NOT!!
Today, I get to go see my Onc and get another chest xray and I am excited. I do not know if its possible, but I feel like I've lost 30 pounds in the past few weeks. I have slowly been ballooning up more and more, and know that I am done with the chemo for almost a month, and had the procedure to let me heart start working properly again, my body is just flushing out all the water weight I gained. It was so hard each week getting on the scale, sometimes in a week gaining 10 pounds. I wasn't eating any different than I normally would when I was on the last chemo drug, Taxotere. Now, the AC totally different story! Do you guys remember the every two hour wake up and eat steroid induced insomnia I as having. That was horrible. If I was a wealthy woman, and could have had paid a friend to stop her life to come and live with me during this time I would have. To wake up all those hours and be able to talk to someone, to make me food. : )
So today is chest x-ray day. They can't really ever tell me exactly how much water is in there, but last nights sleep was the best so far. I don't think I can remember waking up feeling my lungs hurt when I rolled on to either side. Yesterday was my best day, so far in months and months. I am really emotional and am crying a lot and that is just the way it is. I am not judging myself, the cancer took that one away. If I am in my office and something touches me, or if someone tells me something and it touches my heart I cry. I cry because life is so freakin' precious and people and their stories and my story just makes me cry like a four year old who doesn't yet know that sometimes in an adults life its not okay to cry. I am sure life will callous this gift cancer gave me, but until then, I like I did yesterday, start crying when my broker gave me a hug as I was leaving the office yesterday and cry myself to the car. Life is tough.
Back to the doc's I am also really really excited to get on the scale. If you guys remember the topping weight was an unbelievable 173.2 and I left the hospital at 155, and I am feeling like mmm...lets see maybe 147 now. I can't wait to see. I started out at 138, and am excited to get back there. What I am even more excited about it being 138, but being fit. Seeing my leg muscles again, and being able to twirl around like the tasmanian devil "doing" things.
The other thing that I've seriously started contemplating is borrowing my friend Leighs hair extensions. She's battled and now WON. (and she's just a wee bit older than ) throat and tongue cancer for 5 years. Well, she bought herself some very expensive hair extensions and I am over looking like I have cancer. Now that I am nearing the end of my treatment I want to look pretty again. She said I need to have a little more hair so they can put them on, and I am really excited about this. In fact, I've just for sure decided, I am going to do it. The lesson of going bald and learning how be different in this world was a very valuable thing for me. I got my feelings hurt on a regular basis. And then I learned that especially with the kids that just cannot help them selves from running over like in the grocery store and looking at me with a quadruple take for me just to say to them, "I know I look kind of funny without any hair." That always cracks a smile on their curiosity and they go off running in the direction of their parents. Maybe I learned how to deal with it, and maybe I just got used to it....NOT!!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
The clown do
Since I've been home from the hospital I haven't had internet access. We still haven't had those guys come by and hook it up for us. Life with one channel, is such a bore!! For a short re-cap of the past few days. Monday was hellashish. I had a really really bad reaction to the Indocin, the heart anti-inflammatory. I woke up with a really upset stomach, a headache that almost popped my head off, and I almost threw up all day. In the afternoon I called my Onc, and he switched me to Cylebrax(sp). I took that Monday night, and then all night long, an even worse headache that woke me up several times. To the point that I started to panic I was going to have a stroke like my mom did.
I got a call from my cardiologist, Dr. Lewis at 8 am! Can I tell you these specialized doctors are so passionate about what they do! Anyways, he took me off of that and just put me on Advil. With the directions to take advil for a day, and then try the cylebrax again. But I haven't done that. Tuesday was my birthday, and I didn't want to get sick. And today, I have a broker's open for my condo listing and a bunch of other realty stuff, so I'll take it tonight. I mean, think about it. Would you want to "try" one more time a pill that made you really sick. NO! Its a no-brainer. In fact, I am not going to. I have an appointment with my cardiologist tomorrow afternoon, and I'll tell him, but I don't think he's going to slap me on the wrist.
The reason being, is that I think this whole liquid around my heart is a waiting game. They are still trying to see if I am getting worse or better. TOmorrow they'll give me another eccho and hopefully they'll be able to see if I have more water or not.
Honestly, its very hard to tell. I feel good, thanks to just being on Advil. But to walk any short distance is hard. Impossible to walk, even with a garbage bag outside to drop in the garbage can. Carrying anything, and walking makes me pant and my heart leap out of my chest. My legs are still very swollen. So, I don't feel like I am getting any better.
Yesterday, I had a great day. I went out to Vashon, had lunch, and visited with my friend Peggy. She is 6 months pregnant, has the same b-day as me, and we've known each other since I was 17. Its amazing to know someone that long. Then I went and got a massage from my ex- boyfriend of 6 yrs mom, Lyn. It was so nice to have someone touch me. Softly. It was wonderful. Then I went home. Starting feeling sick, took an anti-nausea med and waited a bit to feel good. Then D and I went to have sushi. My Onc. said no sushi for me. So I stuck to cooked classics of Soft Shell crab and a veggie roll. My stomach couldn't handle the deep fried crab or the wasabi, so dinner wasn't that great. I feel like a drug addict chasing my last "good" high with my food the past few months. Not being able to taste, and the texture being all messed up because of my mouth being numb and full of cotton sucks. I think of food I want, I try it and it tastes nothing like what it should. I am always askind D, how does that taste?
Well, now I am 34. Its 2009. And I can't wait to be done with all this crap. I can't wait to have a week when I feel so good, that I can run a zillion miles a minute and think clearly and feel good. No lingering sickness in my stomach!
My nails are all gross and I have them bandaged up because they look so gross. They are cut way back because they're dead.
Oh, the title of this post. Here's a funny. You know how clowns hair is. Thick all the way around the sides and the back? Well, that is how my hair is. My head looks like I have some serious widows peaks going on!! I have clowns head!! I hope my hair grows back and I don't have bald spots for the rest of my life!!
I got a call from my cardiologist, Dr. Lewis at 8 am! Can I tell you these specialized doctors are so passionate about what they do! Anyways, he took me off of that and just put me on Advil. With the directions to take advil for a day, and then try the cylebrax again. But I haven't done that. Tuesday was my birthday, and I didn't want to get sick. And today, I have a broker's open for my condo listing and a bunch of other realty stuff, so I'll take it tonight. I mean, think about it. Would you want to "try" one more time a pill that made you really sick. NO! Its a no-brainer. In fact, I am not going to. I have an appointment with my cardiologist tomorrow afternoon, and I'll tell him, but I don't think he's going to slap me on the wrist.
The reason being, is that I think this whole liquid around my heart is a waiting game. They are still trying to see if I am getting worse or better. TOmorrow they'll give me another eccho and hopefully they'll be able to see if I have more water or not.
Honestly, its very hard to tell. I feel good, thanks to just being on Advil. But to walk any short distance is hard. Impossible to walk, even with a garbage bag outside to drop in the garbage can. Carrying anything, and walking makes me pant and my heart leap out of my chest. My legs are still very swollen. So, I don't feel like I am getting any better.
Yesterday, I had a great day. I went out to Vashon, had lunch, and visited with my friend Peggy. She is 6 months pregnant, has the same b-day as me, and we've known each other since I was 17. Its amazing to know someone that long. Then I went and got a massage from my ex- boyfriend of 6 yrs mom, Lyn. It was so nice to have someone touch me. Softly. It was wonderful. Then I went home. Starting feeling sick, took an anti-nausea med and waited a bit to feel good. Then D and I went to have sushi. My Onc. said no sushi for me. So I stuck to cooked classics of Soft Shell crab and a veggie roll. My stomach couldn't handle the deep fried crab or the wasabi, so dinner wasn't that great. I feel like a drug addict chasing my last "good" high with my food the past few months. Not being able to taste, and the texture being all messed up because of my mouth being numb and full of cotton sucks. I think of food I want, I try it and it tastes nothing like what it should. I am always askind D, how does that taste?
Well, now I am 34. Its 2009. And I can't wait to be done with all this crap. I can't wait to have a week when I feel so good, that I can run a zillion miles a minute and think clearly and feel good. No lingering sickness in my stomach!
My nails are all gross and I have them bandaged up because they look so gross. They are cut way back because they're dead.
Oh, the title of this post. Here's a funny. You know how clowns hair is. Thick all the way around the sides and the back? Well, that is how my hair is. My head looks like I have some serious widows peaks going on!! I have clowns head!! I hope my hair grows back and I don't have bald spots for the rest of my life!!
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Little soft spikes
I am up and was looking at my blog and forgot to say, "HOW FANTASTICALLY AWESOMELY OUT OF THIS WORLD EXCITING THAT MY HAIR IS GROWING BACK, THAT IT WASN'T FALLING OUT AGAIN." Check out that ridiculously fun photo of me with hair and two fingers up!!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Picking up the leaves
Today was a big day, and this will be a long post. Where to start?
I was on the island today and during the massage I was giving I felt my athlete in me. Doing massage, I always have felt her. As, occasionally I (unbeknownst to my clients~now you guys know) I put myself into a yoga posture to stretch as I am doing massage moves. What happened to me when I got diagnosed was that my life imploded. I let go of everything as everything, and I mean everything fell apart and to the side. All that I had ever thought I'd known, disintegrated. Even my athlete. Although I have called on her during my treatment, I haven't connected with her yet.
I think I have to start with yesterday before I go further. Yesterday, as I watched Ellen Degeneres ( I am now a TV holic that loves, and I mean loves all these TV shows, so funny to me) so as I watched her, I got up as I was feeling well enough to do exercises for the first time since I was diagnosed, in a serious way. Every commercial I did lunges, squats, calf raises, tricep dips, and crunches. I felt great doing it and but I didn't say hi to my athlete. I just did the exercises.
Fast forward to today, my calf's were a little sore and I felt supported by my body, by my athlete. Back again, during the massage, I looked in the mirror as I was doing a massage stroke, and said hi to her. And in that moment, I realized how far from her I was. I checked in with myself, and there was the base emotion of anger. But when I looked closer, I was angry that she, the athlete had forsaken me. I mean hell, I have exercised religiously my whole life. She let me down. She let me have cancer. She, oh, the tears started. Not heavy, as I was working, and this all happened in a matter of probably two minutes. But it was deep. I realized that I had to forgive her. I had to forgive my athlete/my body for giving up. For not fighting off that fucking cancer. And in this forgiveness, of really myself, I had to recognize on a deep level that she wasn't at fault. But that I had been pissed and disappointed in her efforts. I had been let down and that we needed to come back together. I needed to forgive her. So, during that massage I welcomed myself back to my athlete/my body.
I told her that I am ready to do those yoga postures again, and to feel my body again, and to risk loving my body again. Risk, thinking and ultimately believing that if I love my body by exercising I will live a longer healthier life.
I was ready to feel again. So, through the few eyelashes I have the tears got heavy, and I wiped them away and I was whole. I went for a three mile walk today around the Burton Loop. There is a flat stretch along the way, and my athlete in me said, "Why don't you run that half mile, Heather." So I did. I felt my lungs rise and fill with air, and felt my body get warm again. I was in touch with my breath. I was and am, alive. I caught the cancer as early as I could. My life is in the hands of what I agreed to as I entered this body. I am learning from all of this. I am growing and learning to love myself in a deeper way. And that is all I can say.
I am ready to start doing yoga again, and start feeling my body again. I am no longer afraid of her. I am no longer angry with her. And I am no longer disappointed in her.
I was on the island today and during the massage I was giving I felt my athlete in me. Doing massage, I always have felt her. As, occasionally I (unbeknownst to my clients~now you guys know) I put myself into a yoga posture to stretch as I am doing massage moves. What happened to me when I got diagnosed was that my life imploded. I let go of everything as everything, and I mean everything fell apart and to the side. All that I had ever thought I'd known, disintegrated. Even my athlete. Although I have called on her during my treatment, I haven't connected with her yet.
I think I have to start with yesterday before I go further. Yesterday, as I watched Ellen Degeneres ( I am now a TV holic that loves, and I mean loves all these TV shows, so funny to me) so as I watched her, I got up as I was feeling well enough to do exercises for the first time since I was diagnosed, in a serious way. Every commercial I did lunges, squats, calf raises, tricep dips, and crunches. I felt great doing it and but I didn't say hi to my athlete. I just did the exercises.
Fast forward to today, my calf's were a little sore and I felt supported by my body, by my athlete. Back again, during the massage, I looked in the mirror as I was doing a massage stroke, and said hi to her. And in that moment, I realized how far from her I was. I checked in with myself, and there was the base emotion of anger. But when I looked closer, I was angry that she, the athlete had forsaken me. I mean hell, I have exercised religiously my whole life. She let me down. She let me have cancer. She, oh, the tears started. Not heavy, as I was working, and this all happened in a matter of probably two minutes. But it was deep. I realized that I had to forgive her. I had to forgive my athlete/my body for giving up. For not fighting off that fucking cancer. And in this forgiveness, of really myself, I had to recognize on a deep level that she wasn't at fault. But that I had been pissed and disappointed in her efforts. I had been let down and that we needed to come back together. I needed to forgive her. So, during that massage I welcomed myself back to my athlete/my body.
I told her that I am ready to do those yoga postures again, and to feel my body again, and to risk loving my body again. Risk, thinking and ultimately believing that if I love my body by exercising I will live a longer healthier life.
I was ready to feel again. So, through the few eyelashes I have the tears got heavy, and I wiped them away and I was whole. I went for a three mile walk today around the Burton Loop. There is a flat stretch along the way, and my athlete in me said, "Why don't you run that half mile, Heather." So I did. I felt my lungs rise and fill with air, and felt my body get warm again. I was in touch with my breath. I was and am, alive. I caught the cancer as early as I could. My life is in the hands of what I agreed to as I entered this body. I am learning from all of this. I am growing and learning to love myself in a deeper way. And that is all I can say.
I am ready to start doing yoga again, and start feeling my body again. I am no longer afraid of her. I am no longer angry with her. And I am no longer disappointed in her.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Few I'm so hot..
These hot flashes are intense. I sleep with a thin sheet on. If the sheet goes above my shoulders for some reason it triggers a hot flash and then they all come off. Same with clothing. I wear tank tops under everything right now, so if I get too hot I just take the top layer off. My head gets sweaty all the time. It is amazing but when you have hair on your head you have no idea what your little scalp goes through in a day. I have gotten very intimate with the chemistry of my scalp!! My nose and throat symptoms came back this week, and am not sure if these are precursors to low blood counts. But I won't be surprised if my Onc says no to chemo today.
Yesterday was my first big day of real estate since I was diagnosed. I now have the energy and the full spirit to go gangbusters again with bells on. I am and have always been a firm believer that you must be passionate about what you do and love what you do . If you don't then its not worth it. And I love what I do again, so I had a great time yesterday.
Will keep you posted on whether or not I get to do chemo today. I hope so, because then I will only have 8 more weeks left!!
Yesterday was my first big day of real estate since I was diagnosed. I now have the energy and the full spirit to go gangbusters again with bells on. I am and have always been a firm believer that you must be passionate about what you do and love what you do . If you don't then its not worth it. And I love what I do again, so I had a great time yesterday.
Will keep you posted on whether or not I get to do chemo today. I hope so, because then I will only have 8 more weeks left!!
Monday, September 15, 2008
Missing my hair
I have really been missing having hair the past few days. Looking in the mirror to my bald little head is something that I am not sure I will ever get used to. Going out in public is always a big deal. Kids cannot help their curiosities. They stare and stare and last week, I sweetly looked at the boy that was in front of me in the grocery store and said, "I know, I don't have any hair. I look kind of different, uh?" Is it that adults stare, looking at how healthy I look, but knowing and letting it register that I have cancer? I mean, besides losing my hair I look the picture of health.
I have been feeling like the picture of health lately, too. Wednesday is coming too soon. I wish it weren't. Simple things I used to take for granted like washing all my floors in a matter of minutes because I am a swirling dervish. When I am sick for the week after chemo, I can't do that. Nor do I even want to spend my bit of energy I do have on cleaning the floor as fast as the tasmanian devil. Its funny how the accomplishments I used to make in a day, accomplishments that used to really matter to me, just vanish and all I can do is get through the day. And that is a huge accomplishment.
I have been feeling like the picture of health lately, too. Wednesday is coming too soon. I wish it weren't. Simple things I used to take for granted like washing all my floors in a matter of minutes because I am a swirling dervish. When I am sick for the week after chemo, I can't do that. Nor do I even want to spend my bit of energy I do have on cleaning the floor as fast as the tasmanian devil. Its funny how the accomplishments I used to make in a day, accomplishments that used to really matter to me, just vanish and all I can do is get through the day. And that is a huge accomplishment.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
The week of friends
This week friends have brought by a lot of food, and thank you all for that. I honestly haven't been cooking the healthiest possible in the past month, and with the food made with love from you guys, I can just pull it out and it makes life so much easier. I am back to Heather. In fact, D and I are going for a bike ride in a few moments. We are going to try shaving my head today. I have about ten little hairs that are still growing, and so they stand straight up in the air and they are driving me nuts.
I don't have any new major thought provoking ideas to share with you all. It doesn't change. I just have to get through this. Each day, many times through the day, I have to give myself a pep talk and know that I can and will make it through this. I have to give myself these pep talks because its so rough to do what I am doing. Its so disgusting. I say that I would never do it again, but then I think life is worth it. And maybe I would. I just have to say right now that I never would do it again because I can't imagine doing it more than I already need to. In fact, remember when I asked my doctor for the four more treatments of Taxol, because of the 27% increase in survivial rate? Well, right now, and in fact this very second I am listening to myself and my mind, heart, body, and soul now doesn't want to do the extra month. I can't imagine doing it to myself. I could be done with chemo in two months instead of three more. Its going to be each week now (after my last AC, next wed). What if I don't get days of feeling good in between. I know these weeks of feeling good and feeling the joy in my spirit rise again is the ONLY thing that gets me through this. This bike ride I get to go on. The one that I will need to wear a little hat because the wind rustling through the almost bare scalp will be cold. So, can I handle weekly Taxol for three months. No, I know I can't. But then, I know I will. The athlete in me knows I will. I just have to get on my game face, and I am scared. I am so scared, and so sad, and so devestated, and so tired of not feeling good. I am tired of crying and waiting to live life again. I am so pissed.
I don't have any new major thought provoking ideas to share with you all. It doesn't change. I just have to get through this. Each day, many times through the day, I have to give myself a pep talk and know that I can and will make it through this. I have to give myself these pep talks because its so rough to do what I am doing. Its so disgusting. I say that I would never do it again, but then I think life is worth it. And maybe I would. I just have to say right now that I never would do it again because I can't imagine doing it more than I already need to. In fact, remember when I asked my doctor for the four more treatments of Taxol, because of the 27% increase in survivial rate? Well, right now, and in fact this very second I am listening to myself and my mind, heart, body, and soul now doesn't want to do the extra month. I can't imagine doing it to myself. I could be done with chemo in two months instead of three more. Its going to be each week now (after my last AC, next wed). What if I don't get days of feeling good in between. I know these weeks of feeling good and feeling the joy in my spirit rise again is the ONLY thing that gets me through this. This bike ride I get to go on. The one that I will need to wear a little hat because the wind rustling through the almost bare scalp will be cold. So, can I handle weekly Taxol for three months. No, I know I can't. But then, I know I will. The athlete in me knows I will. I just have to get on my game face, and I am scared. I am so scared, and so sad, and so devestated, and so tired of not feeling good. I am tired of crying and waiting to live life again. I am so pissed.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Not sleeping
My sis and I grew up sharing a room. I was the neat freak and she was the one with the apple under her bed. Needless to say, one day I got the almighty Roll Of Duck Tape and made a line down the middle of our room. That way my weeble wobbly's and fischer price guys could be set up in constant play and I didn't have to worry about cleaning her side of the room. Last night or I guess still tonight, I slept in the same bed with her. I love her so much. This snuggly brought back childhood memories and a comfort that is only shared with a sister. I have been up off and on since 1 am. The first round, I ate a cup of Plain LF Nancys yogurt and now, a bowl of kick ass buffalo chili my fridn Nic brought by earlier in the week. Its so good. I am not sure if I'll be able to get myself to fall asleep again. The steroid induced weight gain came on again yesterday. My doc, (tink by the way) said its usual and I am okay. Even the very not talked about because I was afraid of talking about "crazy" things on her that the 6th day I loose my mind for about 45 minutes. I have to force myself to lay down and not to think because my mind starts racing faster than my other mind and I fragment. No worries with that, just a lovely side effect of the chemo and steroid use together. Both just working their way out of my sysytem. I am crossing my fingers that it doessn't happen this time again.
Over all this chemo was better than the other two. Yesterday was a bad day. I hope today isn't a bad day. My joints really really hurt and I had to take an ativan just to be able to handle the persistant *reaking pain last night. I'm supposed to take those every night, and I do, but I took it a little early. They are supposed to help me sleep. But they don't. As you can see. I watched the stand up to cancer thing yesterday. My sis and I held hands and she cried. I couldn't cry anymore. You know, the tears would have been "poor me" tears and my sis was doing enough of those for me that it made me feel good and empowered. Damn cancer. Wears that Fuck cancer hat. My little noggin is cold. I wear it around the house. Haven't been bold enough to wear it on the streets of West Seattle. I think kids hear that word enough. They don't need to see a bald lady wearing it on her head.
Over all this chemo was better than the other two. Yesterday was a bad day. I hope today isn't a bad day. My joints really really hurt and I had to take an ativan just to be able to handle the persistant *reaking pain last night. I'm supposed to take those every night, and I do, but I took it a little early. They are supposed to help me sleep. But they don't. As you can see. I watched the stand up to cancer thing yesterday. My sis and I held hands and she cried. I couldn't cry anymore. You know, the tears would have been "poor me" tears and my sis was doing enough of those for me that it made me feel good and empowered. Damn cancer. Wears that Fuck cancer hat. My little noggin is cold. I wear it around the house. Haven't been bold enough to wear it on the streets of West Seattle. I think kids hear that word enough. They don't need to see a bald lady wearing it on her head.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
The Lint Roller..
It works just as good as the blue painter's tape, if you're wondering! Maybe a little easier since its is on a roller. I am now down to a few strands, here and there, with a bit of fuzz. I look bald. Bald enough that I am getting those infamous looks. Yesterday I was at the store getting my med's and a group of teenage girls were alerted by one of the girls and suddenly they all looked up at me. I wanted to say, "Hey, I have cancer." But instead, I just took it in. Remember, I am trying to learn from this whole experience, as it is my choice to parade around bare. I must admit that I was hurt by it. Hurt enough that I couldn't write about it yesterday and I took the day to process it.
The house is set to go on the market tomorrow. All the last minute doings are almost wrapped up. We get to fill out the Form 17, the disclosure and such. It will be an interesting week with me doing chemo and needing to be ushered into the car so that people can, by appointment view the home. Luckily my Dad is coming for the week and I am excited to get this done. My thumb started hurting me again today, just a little. I am afraid that it hasn't healed enough to do the chemo as scheduled, so I will call my Doctor tomorrow and talk to him. Not much else. I am ready for my journey to begin again. I am scared.
The house is set to go on the market tomorrow. All the last minute doings are almost wrapped up. We get to fill out the Form 17, the disclosure and such. It will be an interesting week with me doing chemo and needing to be ushered into the car so that people can, by appointment view the home. Luckily my Dad is coming for the week and I am excited to get this done. My thumb started hurting me again today, just a little. I am afraid that it hasn't healed enough to do the chemo as scheduled, so I will call my Doctor tomorrow and talk to him. Not much else. I am ready for my journey to begin again. I am scared.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Hot Seattle Day
Today was incredible in Seattle. Perfect weather. If I didn't have cancer, I would have taken a plunge into the Sound. I had to call my doctor today and get an extension of the antibiotic. My hand is not 100% cured yet. But it doesn't hurt to move my thumb around, just when I push on it.
This weekend I managed to clean our 3400 SQFT house, all by myself. D worked on getting all the odds and ends completed around the house. The photographer came yesterday as did many other subs and now we are all set to go on the market, on Monday. Very exciting. Life has luckily been busy so that chemo day, Wednesday comes quickly. Hair is still limply holding on. I might roll a lint roller over it. I have no desire to risk shaving my head. I can't get another infection right now.
This weekend I managed to clean our 3400 SQFT house, all by myself. D worked on getting all the odds and ends completed around the house. The photographer came yesterday as did many other subs and now we are all set to go on the market, on Monday. Very exciting. Life has luckily been busy so that chemo day, Wednesday comes quickly. Hair is still limply holding on. I might roll a lint roller over it. I have no desire to risk shaving my head. I can't get another infection right now.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Painter's Tape
Last night I was laying in bed and telling D how much my stubble hurts my head. Not hurt as in cellulitis hurt, but like when someone rakes their stubble across your tender little face, or for guys maybe when your gal doesn't shave her legs. My hair has limply been hanging on just by its follicles this past week. My friend Nic told me yesterday that she thought the reason it was bothering me was that the hair is out of the follicle and poking the nerve endings. That makes sense to me.
Needless to say, I've been fantasizing about shaving my head or getting it waxed. I've even thought of using Duct tape to pull it out. Shaving and waxing I am scared to do because they both pull the first layer of skin off, and I don't want an infection. So, like I was saying, last night I was laying in bed and told D how uncomfortable it is to lay my head against a pillow. He said, "Why don't you use duct tape." That is all I needed.
Never in my life would I EVER have thought that I would find myself in the bathroom with my husband pulling my hair off my head (now that is not out, it is off because its literally just hanging in there for dear life at this moment), with blue painter's tape. Yes, we pulled it off like you'd do to an old sweater with all its little annoying balls of pitted yard. The tape worked! I now look like a dog with severe mange. I have bald spots all over and at this moment can feel the air's circulation through my house against my head more than I could yesterday. Any ideas on how to get the rest out??
Needless to say, I've been fantasizing about shaving my head or getting it waxed. I've even thought of using Duct tape to pull it out. Shaving and waxing I am scared to do because they both pull the first layer of skin off, and I don't want an infection. So, like I was saying, last night I was laying in bed and told D how uncomfortable it is to lay my head against a pillow. He said, "Why don't you use duct tape." That is all I needed.
Never in my life would I EVER have thought that I would find myself in the bathroom with my husband pulling my hair off my head (now that is not out, it is off because its literally just hanging in there for dear life at this moment), with blue painter's tape. Yes, we pulled it off like you'd do to an old sweater with all its little annoying balls of pitted yard. The tape worked! I now look like a dog with severe mange. I have bald spots all over and at this moment can feel the air's circulation through my house against my head more than I could yesterday. Any ideas on how to get the rest out??
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Radiating Sun
I feel like the radiating sun today because I am full of thankfulness for this time. The time to be "Heather" again, and I haven't gotten this luxury since I was diagnosed on June 2. The past few months have been filled with every emotion under the stars while I tried to grasp the actuality that I was living with Breast Cancer, and of coarse the Fertility stuff. Then it was my first chemo treatment and then dealing with the repercussions of it. Now, today, yippee!! I have no worries, I am in treatment, I am out of pain, I have my mind back and solely to myself. I get to think about having cancer now every other moment instead of every second. Sure, my little stubbles of hair are falling out all over the place but that's fun. I actually am TOTALLY loving rocking the short hair do! Its fun.
I am pretty sure when I see my doctor tomorrow he is going to continue the IV antibiotics. My hand is still pretty swollen. But, I have been wrong about most things concerning my body lately so, who really knows.
I am pretty sure when I see my doctor tomorrow he is going to continue the IV antibiotics. My hand is still pretty swollen. But, I have been wrong about most things concerning my body lately so, who really knows.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Cellulitis
This painful infection is slowly going away. What is crazy is that it all started, we think, from a teeny tiny little scratch the size of a needle head on my right pinky finger. My immune system is pretty lacking right now and due to the 3 nodes they took out of me, diseases like staph don't get filtered through my system as well as they once did. The doctor said that this may be something that I have to watch for for the rest of my life in my right arm. We'll have to see about that.
Now that I can type again, I will back pedal a bit. So, the little doctor that I am. I was 100% certain that I had simply done too many massages and I had developed a bad case of tendonitis in my thumb, that was Monday. On Monday, D suggested I cancel my massages and relax, and go to the doctors. I said no, and did the massages. Tuesday, I woke up and my hand was pounding out of my heart and I couldn't move my hand it was swollen so badly. I iced and iced, and it didn't help the inflammation at all. It just got worse. I called my doctor and told them. They said that they thought it was an infection. I told them I wanted to wait to see them for my scheduled chemo the next day, wednesday. Tuesday night came, and by then my hand was sending shooting nerve pains up into my shoulder and it was so bad I couldn't breath regularly. D suggested for me to take vicodin and I thought for the first time in my life, " Brillant idea." I really needed them. I took them every 2 hours, just a half tab. I am so freaked out by all the news there is about all these people getting addicted, so I use them sparingly. I ended up in the middle of the night realizing that 1/2 tab wasn't enough, the pain seemed to like 2 Advil too. So, that has been my diet for the past few days.
I was disappointed to find out that my chemo got cancelled because of this. I had family in town to help me out for this session, and now I am stuck with pulling through this one on my own. A few friends will come over and help watch me during the day, so that D can do the last minute touches on the house. Starting on Wed, I have been going to the hospital everyday and getting IV antibiotics. Today, I went thinking it was my last day. I thought this because last night the pain diminished and I stopped taking the pain med. The swelling went down enough to not put me in the hospital over the weekend, thank god. But, not enough for my doctor, so I got 3 days added of the IV antibiotic- sat, sun, and monday.
On Monday, we'll be at the hospital, (if I end up getting to do chemo) for close to 8 hours. I have a port test in the morning because since day 1, of it being used, I get a burning sensation whenever they put anything in me there. They say that shouldn't be happening. I think its alright, my intuition (however, it seems that that's been off with everything regarding this cancer crap) think that, but who knows. I am a very sensitive person, and so maybe I can feel inside my arteries? Who knows? After that test, I will get my IV antibiotic and then, possible chemo. I hope so. Its hard to get geared up for a possibility.
D, shaved my head last night. WIll get the pics up probably tomorrow. It looks good, as good as a mangy dog can look. My little bald head has hair and spots of no hair. I can't wait till its all gone and just a smooth little head.
Now that I can type again, I will back pedal a bit. So, the little doctor that I am. I was 100% certain that I had simply done too many massages and I had developed a bad case of tendonitis in my thumb, that was Monday. On Monday, D suggested I cancel my massages and relax, and go to the doctors. I said no, and did the massages. Tuesday, I woke up and my hand was pounding out of my heart and I couldn't move my hand it was swollen so badly. I iced and iced, and it didn't help the inflammation at all. It just got worse. I called my doctor and told them. They said that they thought it was an infection. I told them I wanted to wait to see them for my scheduled chemo the next day, wednesday. Tuesday night came, and by then my hand was sending shooting nerve pains up into my shoulder and it was so bad I couldn't breath regularly. D suggested for me to take vicodin and I thought for the first time in my life, " Brillant idea." I really needed them. I took them every 2 hours, just a half tab. I am so freaked out by all the news there is about all these people getting addicted, so I use them sparingly. I ended up in the middle of the night realizing that 1/2 tab wasn't enough, the pain seemed to like 2 Advil too. So, that has been my diet for the past few days.
I was disappointed to find out that my chemo got cancelled because of this. I had family in town to help me out for this session, and now I am stuck with pulling through this one on my own. A few friends will come over and help watch me during the day, so that D can do the last minute touches on the house. Starting on Wed, I have been going to the hospital everyday and getting IV antibiotics. Today, I went thinking it was my last day. I thought this because last night the pain diminished and I stopped taking the pain med. The swelling went down enough to not put me in the hospital over the weekend, thank god. But, not enough for my doctor, so I got 3 days added of the IV antibiotic- sat, sun, and monday.
On Monday, we'll be at the hospital, (if I end up getting to do chemo) for close to 8 hours. I have a port test in the morning because since day 1, of it being used, I get a burning sensation whenever they put anything in me there. They say that shouldn't be happening. I think its alright, my intuition (however, it seems that that's been off with everything regarding this cancer crap) think that, but who knows. I am a very sensitive person, and so maybe I can feel inside my arteries? Who knows? After that test, I will get my IV antibiotic and then, possible chemo. I hope so. Its hard to get geared up for a possibility.
D, shaved my head last night. WIll get the pics up probably tomorrow. It looks good, as good as a mangy dog can look. My little bald head has hair and spots of no hair. I can't wait till its all gone and just a smooth little head.
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